Well, we talk on yahoo now and then. Just random chit-chat with an innuendo thrown in from time to time. Why not? He's a good guy, good to talk to.
Tonight I saw him online and had to IM him. This time it was more fun, because he and I had something (someone) in common and I wanted to mention that. Moreso, I wanted to mention a comment he made when he saw the other guy and myself out at Secrets ("Now that's a video I'd want to see."). Flattery is always so nice...
Anyway, a few clicks into the IM and he's telling me to "swing by and suck me off..." -- In a way that is a little degrading, but I understand his position. He's not looking for a relationship, just an on call fuck buddy and I am sure there is many a gay man ready to take that role.
However, I am not one of them. I explained to him that our 'mutual friend' is someone that I'm interested in and because of that (I wouldn't have driven there at 2am anyway) I can't do that.
It's just how I am. The moment I know that a person I'm interested in is someone I want to be with.... I can't hookup with other people. It just doesn't feel right to me. I don't care if they are Mr. USA - What I want is the person I'm into, no one else.
So, very nicely, I tell him -- that I simply can't. I want this other dude. I want him for a boyfriend, I want him intimately, I want him for as long as possible. I also explained a little bit of how I feel it's wrong to hook up with other people, when you're trying to build something with someone else.
Granted.. nothing official has been said. It hasn't been put into words or even discussed for that matter. Yet, I just feel like it's going in that direction and that's enough for me to focus 100% on it. I know he likes me and I fucking adore him. So no piece of dick, or quick fling is worth it to me. Those things can't compete with the feelings he gives me.
Plus, trust me, kissing him ... holding him... or being intimate with him is more than enough to satisfy. He's got the total package deal going on.
Anyway... my point to all this. I thought of this 'other' guy as a semi-friend. We've talked, we've made plans to hang out and shoot pool, yada yada.... it just wasn't always about sex.
Well, I think I've been corrected.
The moment I told him I couldn't hook up, because there is someone that I am interested in that was it. No more IMs, nothing. Moments later he simply logged off.
You know what.. GOOD! What the fuck. I am not your friggin cum dumpster, faggot. Go out, do your thing and make random hookups. I am trying to build something meaningful that could last a lifetime. I am not interested in your cheap sex. Shit, I got my hand.
Even more importantly, I got someone that I am talking to .. hanging out with .. and being intimate with who is fucking GOLD. A diamond. He's awesome, he's rare and he's worth a hell of a lot more than what you can provide me in the 5 minutes before you bust a nut.
I'm happy I had that little IM conversation - it's food for thought and it seperates the chaff
I don't want random hookups... the walk of shame. I don't want to give myself to someone that simply sees me as an object to fulfill their needs. I want someone I can grow with, experience life with, cry, laugh.... someone I know I can be sad around and see their face and feel better.
What I want is what I already am working on... that's enough for me.