"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The signal is loud & clear, Captain...

I have written and re-written this post about five times now. I'm tired and that's not helping matters, but I wanted to clear my mind while everything is fresh. While my feelings are peaked and my mind is running...

.... while I suck on a Newport to ease my nerves. Someone needs to stop that addiction factory, I swear to God.

Hanging out with N2 always makes my day. So I endured my tiredness (as in the previous post) and managed to stay lucid for our dinner.

Not to be shallow, because that is certainly one thing that I am not. I have to say, though, that while N2 always looks good (that bastard) today he looked absofuckinlutely amazing.

Maybe it was his clothes. The tan skin. Who knows. Whatever it was, he looked like he had just stepped out of a magazine. The dude has got incredible eye appeal (that's far from all, but today it was on turbo - and made me say WOW.).

What's funny is that wow wasn't all I said. I had this feeling from the look on his face when I found him (ok ok he found me.. I am so blind.) that my first thoughts were "Wow. This is a shame."

Part of me thinks writing about this is wrong. However, I do know some people having been following the "sitch" (good slueth work to know there was one, guys.) and I adore Mike, regardless, so I have nothing bad to say. What harm is there then? It's a blog for Christ sake -- that's the point of it.

I won't be verbose about the situation and try to get to the climax quickly. During dinner, which was nice, I had this foreboding feeling. There was something in his eyes that didn't seem right. An uneasiness. It was starting to make me nervous and when I get nervous I laugh. Go figure. So I knew something was up and I knew what it was.

I've been waiting for it to happen for a little bit. Just riding the wave until the final destination. I know part of me was hoping I was incorrect about that destination. Today we arrived and I wasn't. Sadly enough.

On the way out from dinner, N2 wanted to walk me to my car and have a 'talk.' The moment I heard that word (talk) my entire body went numb. So to keep my composure and to attempt to help him (in the event it was difficult) I threw some jokes in and tried to play a little stupid...

....Then my self-defenses kicked in. I really didn't want to hear it from him. I think had I allowed him to say whatever it was he wanted to say ... it would have probably made me emotional. So, to make it easier on both of us, I cut him off and beat him to the punch. "It's alright - I already knew."

I'm afraid that in my doing so I came across cold, uninterested, and without concern. You can't hurt me if I don't care, right? Truth is ... I was none of those things. I was sad and hurt.

I have to (and I do) give him a ton of credit. Chivalry and tact are not dead, not with him. He made a point of trying to ease my esteeme while delivering his message. It was thoughtful, sweet, and meant a lot to me.

Oddly enough, it's not my ego or pride that is hurt or sad. I'm sad because the interest waned with someone incredible. A rare breed. N2 is as incredible inside even more so than outside -- and let me tell ya, that's a lot of incredible.

I also feel defeated a bit. That, I will say, is a selfish and childish feeling for me to have. I do, though. You see, there was someone who told N2 not to date me. I think part of me wanted to prove that person wrong. In the short time we hung out together, I hope I did.

When you truly like someone, unselfishly, what is best for them and will make them happy is what matters. This is one of those cases. Be it me, someone else, or alone -- N2 is an awesome guy and I want him to be happy. When he does find that person they are going to be very lucky. Of course, if they hurt him, I'm gonna break their legs. ;)

So while I'm definitely sad ... I'm happy to have a friend in him. Intimacy is not as important as that. Nothing is changed, just redirected. I adore him just the same.

So after the 'we should just be friends' talk -- I needed some time to get myself together and decided I'd take my jeep to the carwash. It really needed it. I think I was pushing the "jeeps are supposed to be dirty!" threshold. I'm not a big car person - I tend to get one, run it into the ground, and get another one.

Kinda like men, I guess.



  1. Damn...I have been following this from day one (as a reader/stalker of N2) for a while. I am sorry things didn't go as planned but you just ahve to keep your chin up. You will me fine. I too am disappointed (not sure why other than that hopeless romantic that I am) but you seem to be in a good place.

    Thanks for the e-mail btw, and I will still be reading ya so I can rejoice with you when you find true love once again.

  2. Well it wasn't true love -- It was decent person. All the same, it was good for what it was -- everything serves a purpose. It's just figuring out what that purpose is that can be difficult.

    Always nice to see ya here, S! :)