"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Friday, November 25, 2005

All I want for Christmas...

Wow Thanksgiving is already over. Another year has almost come and gone -- crazy isn't it? I leave for Europe in just twelve days and when I get back it will only be seven days until Christmas. The year is just zipping by....

My Europe trip will be fun, I am sure, even if it isn't exactly what I had wanted it to be. There will be no romantic dinner in Italy, a shy smile, a note passed, and the sharing of thoughts and feelings for a possible future. It's okay, however, I will enjoy myself either way and the company I am taking will prove to be enjoyable - I've no doubt.

Sometimes after the drama of things calm down and I'm level headed again -- I sit back and smile. I don't break under pressure and disappointment. That strength, that I often don't think I have, yet always surfaces when I need it the most is what keeps me going.

So I was thinking ... what do I want for Christmas. I have beautiful friends, a family that while a bit out there is tolerable and means well .... I'll cook a ton of food, put up a big tree and decorate it with my mother and best friend Becca.

The only thing I'd like to see is someone beneath the tree waiting on me. I don't even mean that in the terms of a boyfriend. I mean it in a more intimate and cozy way -- someone happy to see me, that I can lay against and just enjoy the moment... to open a present with... to laugh. I'd love to see Cjames under my tree -- that would be the most beautiful present.

I am planning to make a surprise trip out to SLC to see him soon. If anyone has captured my heart in a manner that is everlasting - it is him. Such a special, special, extra special, special guy. ;)

Oh well .. it'll all come together. I am somewhat content at the moment. The site is coming alone (one of them) and it won't be long before we're pressing forward and launching...


I'll keep ya alls posted


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Life Should Taste As Good As Jason..

And I can say that. I've tasted myself. Not quite as addictive as say a hostess hoho, devildog, or twinkie.. but still not too bad, either.

Not that I would dare to eat any of those things right now. I am starting to see results from being back in the gym again -- woohoo! -- and the last thing I wanna do is fuck that up. I need to get something more out of my $25.00 a month than just the enjoyment of the lockerroom.

The adult sites are moving quickly along. We should be done and online soon. I am still torn with it, but I have no choice but to push forward and do it now. Too much time and money invested at this point to back out. Moreso, too much pressure from the 'awaiting' public - which really boils down to .... too many people that know me, know I am doing this. I won't accept failure.

I'm just a modern day Robin Hood. Everything to a good end.

I am hoping that this manifests itself into what I need so that I can get outta here. I want away from Maryland. Hell, I really want away from the states as a whole. I'd like to spend some time living in Europe. A few countries are on my possible list, London being one of the dominate ones. I think London would suit my personality and my desire for things to be 'happening' all the time around me (ie: chaos) -- while providing places for peaceful times also.

Plus I wanna cash in on this lucrative pound/sterling ......

It's only two weeks (and a day or so) before ThunderCat and I goto Europe. Ahh.... I won't want to leave again, I already know that. Christmas shopping in Prague will be beautiful and another short hop over to Rome for an incredible caffe frida (sp) and a romantic stroll through beautiful piazzas and to touch things that have stood since Christ himself. Such an amazing city, full of life and passion.

But for now... here I sit in an office working away... everything is temporary and most everything is possible. Just how far are you willing to go to achieve those dreams is the question.. how much are you willing to sacrifice... how bad do you want it?

I want it more than Martha Stewart wants to conquer the world -- and that's a lot.

I know you've been waiting..

but haven't we all been..? Waiting for something special, something different, something that makes our body vibrate to it's core -- something that makes us alive? I know you've been waiting and so have I.

A little excitement -- oh when it rains it pours. Something new, something old. Desire turned to lust, lust into depth... depth into emptiness and then the cycle begins again.

Give me the chaos.. I want to move in it, I want to feel it inside of me.
Make me scream.. time has stopped.

What am I? What was that? I cannot hear you --- it doesn't matter now. I'm out of control... I'm going all the way... I love this, give it to me.. don't be selfish with it.. you know I'll get what I want when all is said and done. I always do.

Shhhh.. don't speak. I can get your name tomorrow. I'll leave my number for you. Don't ruin the moment.

Watch out.. cause here I come.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

"The time has come," the Walrus said

"To talk of other things
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings
Calloo-Callay No work today!
We're cabbages and kings"

...and the time has come, I firmly believe, to turn the other way. To say no more, to feel no more, to let them have their way.

And while I wish for other things and slowly move ahead

I fake a smile, a simple nod, I always just pretend

That the sun is warm and bright....

And that is odd, because it is always the middle of the night.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

God? Are you watching this..?

I do not watch TV very often, if at all and I rarely read or listen to the news. I figure if something horrible is happening, someone I know will inform me.

However, now that I am working to support getting the new business online and to help finance my upcoming vacation, I have spent some time reading the news online -- when I've not been in the mood to work. ;)

What stands out to me is all this discord and the suicide bombings, etc. It turns my stomach and breaks my heart at the same time. Innocent lives, people without ties to this hatred and maybe even without political interests dead. Lives ruined, families disrupted.

What makes me sick about it, moreso than just the pointless death, is that these people use God and Religion to cloak themselves. They hide behind God and use him as a scapegoat for their actions.

Do you really think God needs you to accomplish anything?

I really don't care what belief system you adhere to, be it muslim, christian, or jew. God does not need you to kill people out of your own hatred to accomplish his goals.

You're human, like anyone else. You're not pure. You're a vile and evil killer ... your actions are self righteous and claim to speak for God, yet you are nothing more than a manifestation of Satan himself. Leading others astray to help carry out your hatred, your personal goals, and deceiving people as to the nature of God.

Do your thing, however. Take the lives of the innocent, speak for God (as you speak against him), and continue the path you've taken... believe to yourself that you will die a martyr.

It doesn't matter now.....

...in the end we will all be forced to see truth. We will all be judged and held accountable and your heart will be opened and you'll no longer be able to hide.

...in a heartbeat, you'll be able to explain to God how you killed his creations for your own good and how you used him to make it right.

...in a heartbeat, you'll find your place.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

You lifted my soul and then you let it go

Often times I write about things that are sad, deep, or simply intense. Perhaps it seems as if I am not happy -- and perhaps I am not. Yet, I am blessed and I realize those blessings and embrace them with the anticipation and wide eyes of a child..

Perhaps I seem bi-polar... my posts would lead someone to think that way. However, they are often just a case-by-case, emotional rambling of what is on my mind..or in my heart at any given moment. Not always lasting, but with as much meaning as if they were a daily part of my life.

Mike was my inspiration for starting a blog. I was taken by his and by the reactions and interest of others into what he had to say. It's like reality tv .... in a way. I am happy to see Mike and I talk again -- not much -- but time to time. Despite what happened with us, I do like him ... it doesn't change.

That is me.

I am a guarantee to the people in my life. I am here and I always will be until I am no longer alive. I do not remove myself from the people who impact my heart, my mind, my life....or my soul. Instead I hold on .. and continue to hold through heartbreak, pain, and whatever sorrow may come. Life isn't fair -- I know that -- and I accept it while I despise it.

Once again I am here.... awake much later than I should be on a work night... and while the evening ended nicely - I am sad.

Maybe it isn't really sadness .. it's an emptiness. I am empty... lonely... I feel like there is no one there to hold my hand, to ask me how my day went, or to lend me their ear. I feel alone and it hurts me so deeply.

I've never strived to have the things in my life that others did. I didn't strive for the awesome career, to be the most popular, or to have the most 'toys' -- in all my life, for as long as I can remember, I've strived to be loved ... and to have someone to share all the things inside of me with. I've strived for someone who would accept me, even as defective as I am.

I have never found that. Even in the seven years I was with my deceased boyfriend -- I never really found that.

...and that... that is all I have ever wanted.

So as the people who pull at my heart and who give me joy slowly distance from me.. as hopeful relationships turn into nightmares... I am left with nothing but the reality of being alone.

I have friends.. I have people who care, but that doesn't fill the void. It is nice.. but not quite enough.

Maybe if you read my blog long enough -- something will change. Maybe I will be happy for longer than an hour, a day, or a week. Maybe... just maybe the one thing I have always longed for will happen.

Maybe I will learn to love myself more and not through the eyes or lips of a stranger...

Maybe, just maybe, I will realize that I am more than the rumors, the lies, and the deceit that spread like a virus when my back is turned...

Maybe someone will see into my eyes, into my soul, and they will realize who I am -- what I am -- and what truly matters.

Maybe in that moment I will be whole again.... until then, another song, another tear, another night without sleep... and another daybreak with a fake smile waiting -- as if I have no cares in the world.... just maybe.

I dont expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself, that my dreams will come true.
Being use to trouble I anticipate it, but all the same I hate it. Wouldn't you?
Time and time again I say that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
but every time it matters all my words desert me, so anyone can hurt me

and they do

Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well maybe not that fine... but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
but that's no consolation here and now.

... where am I going to?

Monday, November 07, 2005

You wouldn't want to be me..

What a weekend. What a mindfuck. What a painful reality..

..but let me start backwards first and say how nice it was to know that in my 'disappearance' this weekend so many people were concerned with what happened to me. It's nice to know that people do care, even when I often wonder how many really do.

Months worth of emotions and experience was cram packed into one weekend. One weekend that I will certainly not forget -- at least not for quite some time.

I really don't even know where to start -- yet I still want to vent. I want to get it out, because as much as I am trying to not let it bother me, the events that unfolded are still on my mind.

In a nutshell I was lifted very high .. held there for a short period of time .. and dropped. Let go.. released. I fell hard, very hard. As much as I tried to act tuff and pretend that I was cool with it all -- I am devastated, torn, and broken.

So I dragged my broken self away from them ... to bed, alone. Cuddled on the edge of the bed, grasping a pillow and wanting to believe that everything I had just experienced was nothing more than a bad dream....

...in the morning, on the opposite side of the bed, there they were and I realized it was not all a bad dream. When their arm brushed against mine and was quickly moved away, another reminder of reality was given.

It doesn't matter the place they hold in my life. Friendship, lover, date, partner... labels are not important to me. The closeness, however, the closeness was and is. It gave me a peace and a happiness to lay next to them .. holding them or being held. It comforted me to rub their back or their hair....

But they are not "comfortable" -- I know what 'comfortable' means. I guess it's sweet when someone tries to not hurt your feelings by coating 'not so nice' with 'not as bad' wording.

Where were they a year and a half ago? When I may have been 'up to par' --- now I look at myself and I know that I'm currently below par. That will change, but not in time. Not soon enough to capture their interest.

Yet they enjoy me, like me, and I make them feel good and happy. They 'try' but they 'can't.'

They don't discuss their emotions well. I guess they really don't want to be to the point and blatantly hurt my feelings. How can you hurt me, when I am already hurt? When I hurt all the time - until I am with you. Then even you make me hurt. So why worry -- I'll take the pain, I'm a big boy ... just deliver it with total honesty.

I probably shouldn't like them at this point. I should be disgusted and angry. I am a little bit of both, but I still like them. That's my defect, I guess.... if I like you - I like you. It's pretty cut and dry. If I like you in a way that's rare for me, than it takes even more for my emotions to shift and change.

The mixed signals are a mindfuck. The last two days were a mindfuck. I want to know what is really in their mind.. inside of them. I don't know if I ever will...

Friday, November 04, 2005

Silence can be golden...

I haven't written much lately. Not because things haven't been going on, things are always going on, but simply to take a time out and reorganize some thoughts and feelings.

Due to the costs of this new business venture - or renewed business venture - I am back to the 9-5 grind. Not too crazy about it, but I haven't much choice. Between three upcoming trips and the business -- the extra income is a must have.

I made the decision to take TC with me to Prague and Rome. That trip is just about four weeks away and I'm starting to feel the anxiety. I prefer to travel alone, but I like this dude and the look on his face when I offered was ... well it was just a look that you don't easily forget. So I get him alone for eight nights ... on a whirlwind trip between countries. If it makes him happy, awesome. He makes me happy and he doesn't even realize it.

To say I am extreme is probably an understatement. I am sure a couple of my close friends and people I've dated can attest to that. It's part of my personality -- I am not half ass about anything and if I like you .. I wanna do shit.. go places.. have fun.

I also tend to express myself in those ways. Which can sometimes be misunderstood. I can understand that, though. It's easy to question peoples motives for the things they do or give -- we all know that 80%+ people suck.

Well this will have to be my short dose of ramblings for now. I am back at work, business is progessing slowly but surely, I get to go away with someone that is 'kick ass,' and all is well.