Can I have my fucking results now, please?!

I have never gone to a clinic before. Knock on wood, I've never had the need to go. In 33 years I've never had an STD and those super-mutant crabs I got from the sleeping sofa in Rehobeth don't count!

Today was different. I had decided last night that I would go this morning (which turned to be afternoon... snooze.. snooze... unplug.) to the Chase-Brexton clinic in Baltimore and get an HIV/STD test done. I had a test done 4 months ago, because of something else, and can count on less than one hand how many people I've been with since then. Yet, since there is someone (can't imagine who that could be!) that I am seriously interested in, intimately, I decide testing is fair - considerate - responsbile.

And hell, I'm a fucking FCR kinda guy!

I would have gone to see my regular doctor, but he's in WhiteMarsh. Not only is that a 30 minute drive, but he's also a prick. A PPO prostitute, if you ask me. No matter what you call for, you have to drive in -- pay your co-pay -- THEN they'll discuss it, prescribe it, or tell you it's nothing to worry about. Screw that whore - which reminds me, I'll have to post the viagra story sometime. It could be why he's a prick.

So I figure clinic! It's close (10 mins as opposed to 30), it's confidential, it's quick and CityCafe is next door so I can get a latte after my test! Rock on.

Well, I arrive and the problems start immediately. I cannot get into their super secure medical facility. I stand at the automatic door, which won't open and welcome me in. I pace back and forth. I wave at the little electronic eye. I even push the door a little bit. Nothing happens.

Then I see it... the buzzer. I also notice the camera and can only imagine how much fun they had watching me stand there like a complete idiot. I push the buzzer and immediately the door opens (yep they were watching!).

So up I climb to the third floor. In hindsight, they really should have posted warnings about what you'd encounter on the third floor. However, considering the enjoyment they probably got out of watching me on camera -- I can see why they don't.

When I walked into the testing reception area I stopped. In front of me was a small sea of freakiness. A woman yelling to no one about what somebody put into her water bottle, a man who I think was playing with himself, a couple of kids who needed to be on ridilin, and a couple other gay dudes. Let me just say, that while I know I shouldn't be shocked, I am. Tell me why are these gay dudes going to cruise me in the midst of HIV/STD testing?

So I went to the reception counter to sign in. Ahhh.. the cute little smiles on their faces confirmed the camera theory. Then I am given the forms to fill out. I know all doctors offices have forms. What I didn't know was that clinics have those forms, plus these forms, plus two other forms, and a few additional forms. I now may need to see my doctor for carpel tunnel.

Then the wait begins. What I thought would be quick, was not quick. I was assigned the number of 19. fiften minutes... twenty minutes... thirty minutes... how long does it take to swab a mouth or prick an arm?

When I did finally get called, brushed the cobwebs off, and walk back for my first test -- the people were nice enough. I got asked my entire lifetime sexual history, which resulted in a good amount of jokes and laughter, then I got to swab my gums for the 20 minute speedy HIV test.

It'd be cool if they made the swab bubblegum flavored.

I was all happy thinking I was on my way to being outta there, when I was told to go wait in the hallway to have my blood drawn for the other STD tests.

five minutes... ten minutes... fifteen minutes... twen -- ooh wait, it was my turn to go in and talk with nurse #2.

Once again I recapped my sexual history. Explained why I was there and had a qtip shoved down my throat. Pissed in a cup and had some really nice, but ready to go home, woman take my blood.

Okay.. made it past that point. So back to waiting I went, this time it was only five minutes and I was ready to see my HIV results. This is what really got to me. Instead of calling me into the room and just telling me poz/neg - it was done sorta gameshow style:

I walked in and there on the table were three HIV test swabs. All facing backwards. She asked me for my little confidentiality card and found the swab which was mine. Then she told me to take my swab, turn it around and I could see my results. I was waiting for Bob Barker to come out and tell me what I might win. He didn't though, so I turned the swab and saw the little line. Negative!

I'll leave out how I raced to get out of there .. happy to be free of the clinic.

What I did find interesting, during my conversations with the nurses, was that they have an HIV morning after type of cocktail. Did you know that if you had sex with someone and was afraid you'd been exposed to HIV you could go there and get that? I didn't. I just found it rather interesting. If it works, it's an awesome idea for people, but I am not sure why they don't make it public knowledge.

Maybe people would not take the risks as serious if they knew. Who knows. I am just happy to be out of there and have it over with.