"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Monday, October 22, 2007

When I think of the world today...

I have learned that we are more powerful than we think.

That we can overcome pain, loss and emptiness.

I have learned that sometimes walking through hell is our only way to reach Heaven.

I have learned to have faith, even in the face of complete destruction.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Well now, that was a dick that I was surprised to be impressed by!

If you're a regular reader and haven't caught on by now - despite my being a little neurotic at times, I am also incredibly sentimental and emotional. Don't let the emotional rumor get out too much, thanks.

With all this free time on my hands to be temporarily crippled, I started wondering what happened to people I went to school with. Picking a few names of people that impacted my school years - the fag haters, studs, hos, closeted curious bisexuals - I began searching myspace and other avenues to see what has become of them.

Not surprising, but many of the sexy in highschool guys are now far from being sexy. See what cocky gets you?

What really shocked me was to find that a rather plain guy I went to school with is now a rather well known pornstar gone mainstream actor. Talk about a shock, eh? Not that I should talk, I've done my share of things - not to that level - all the same damn .. it'd been nice to know where he was going back then.

Shameless plug: Jason Schnuit. Google that one if you want to get a look at the name going from porno to popular. Might as well check now when you'll get a chance to see his package. I don't know what vitamins this boy took, but yea, he is packing a small stable. Props to you Jason - you've become sexy and you got a big dick.

Of course, it's not all about package. Unless you're just looking for a quick trick in the back of an alley, a car, a train, a church, a habitat for humanity home..... whew..... sorry I was having flashbacks.

So while I am pimping the fact that he has become sexy and his parents can be proud that he is rather well endowed -- the real purpose is to say "Good job!"

There are few things more rewarding to me than to see someone I know, or have known, be successful and achieve their mark.

Of course a nice dick doesn't hurt either. Mines still bigger, damnit!

Things we take for granted

I guess you, or I at least, don't take the time to think about how meaningful the things we are able to do on a daily basis are. We fail to see the luxury of walking, talking, running. The amazing blessing of sight or the conscious shifting effects of smell. Unless you live in a nasty city or a farm, then I don't think it's really all that conscious shifting.

Since breaking my kneecap, I've come to appreciate the ability to walk. How effortless it was to move, to run and how nice it is to be able to go wherever, whenever.

I've come quite a way. I can move without crutches now. I am still not really bending my knee - only because it's so huge and feels so tight that I am afraid when I bend it my kneecap is going to shoot out my leg like one of those flying UFO toys -- but I am walking.

I made the mistake of reading comments on the Internet from people that have had knee surgery like mine. Of course, for every five negative comments there was only one positive. Refreshing, right?

Continued pain when kneeling from the screw and wire (that might mess up the sex life just a little), knee giving out on you when walking, limited range of motion, people having surgery a year or so later to remove the screw and wire because of pain, etc.


I am being positive here, though. I want full recovery. I won't mind a little bit of a gangsta lean, since that seems to be the in thing at the moment, but don't want to accept less than normal results.

While I am not a muscular person, I have always liked my legs since they managed to be muscular for some reason. Now... the brokenknee leg has lost all muscle tone. It's ugly. So I figured I would try doing some minor leg lifts to get some strength going again.

Then I found out it seems our brain shuts off connection to parts of our bodies that we don't use for awhile. This could explain stupid people. Either way, it's been depressing and a little painful (physically) as I try to change that and get my leg to raise and lower as much as possible.

I go back to work on Monday (( thank God! )) ... so I am hoping with all the travel that will be involved that this upcoming week provides some level of results.

I want to be 'normal' again!


Tuesday, October 16, 2007


What's new and exciting in my life? Not a whole hell of a lot.

It had gotten hectic for a bit, which is why I stopped blogging as much. Plus, I had run out of the energy to type about the events that were taking place. I had to live them once; typing about them was just too much.

It still fascinates me to think that people tune-in to read about my life or my strange thoughts. This has got to be one of the higher forms of flattery.

Even I'll take a moment sometimes to re-read posts I had made before. Trying to identify my more neurotic ways so that I can correct and avoid them in the future. Seems relationships are my kryptonite.

I was doing good with that. I had focused entirely on my 'career' and setting up home in Orlando. That's when I learned a new lesson, that I should have known by now, never move or transfer anywhere without first going to check it and the people out. Lesson noted.

So with my incredible 'career' put on hold and my life in Orlando shaken up a bit, thanks to two worthless pieces of flesh, I started the 'Shit! I need to find a job super fast' job search.

Didn't work out. Damn Orlando and its' over-saturated job market.

However, I was receiving rather nice job offers back in Maryland. Go figure. Wasn't the whole point to this that I didn't want to live in Maryland to begin with? Thought so. I guess you can't tell ?destiny? to go screw itself and I took the next Auto-Train back to Maryland.

* Side note: Now if you've never traveled by train you need to. Regardless if you kick back in coach class or get a sleeper (sleepers are fun) the train is still a kick ass way to meet new people and have new experiences. It's a shame I couldn't videotape a few of those new experiences. Bottom line - travel by train at some point. It can be adventurous or romantic.

So I'm back in Maryland. Checking out the job offers (I should have never stopped making porno - life was more exciting and more simple with porno) and hanging with friends I hadn't seen in the seven months I had been gone. Wasn't too bad. While I honestly do not like Maryland as a place to live, it does have some charm.

Then BAM! on a drunken walk back to a friends apartment I got the idea that I was a Ninja and as a Ninja should be able to jump down some stairs crouching tiger, hidden dragon style.

I am NOT a Ninja.

So another lesson learned and I am in the process of nursing back a broken kneecap and getting myself able to walk again.

Yet for all of the bullshit and things that have taken place I guess there was something to come of it. I've had a lot of time to think and re-evaluate areas of myself, reconnect with people that I've misssed talking to and a new job offer which begins at the end of this month. More fitting to my passions and with a good enough salary to get me quickly back together.

I guess good things can come out of annoying situations. So, there's the update on my life. I figured it was time to put some substance in rather than just rambling off thoughts.

Inject me..... with java

I'm bored
Entertain me
Tell me where I belong at
How do I have to act to be like that
What do I have to say to be respected like that

I'm not going to play that
I don't want to be one of the pretty people
Another version of someone else
Cast from your mold
To be the toy you like

Not here to please you
Not trying to be you

Got my own way
My own thing

There's no life in being the same.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Wake me up

I've had time to sit and think. To evaluate and re-evaluate my thoughts.

I've had time to explore inward.

I've had time to open my eyes

You can go through life pretending to not notice, to not see, the pain and suffering of others. You can close your eyes and turn your head. You can close your heart and forget . You can place your hand into your pocket and ignore the damage you've done.

You can go through life pretending to be blind... or you can challenge, change and manipulate destiny.

What's it going to be?