Recently I took the time to journey back the almost seven years of my blog. To see how I had grown and how I had not. Revisited heart break, confusion, happiness and anger. I read and watched the cycles repeat, as they often do.
Several months ago I grew weary of placing my life, my thoughts in the public forum. I do that enough on FaceBook, but it wasn't that which took away my lust for writing here - it was what I saw when I went back through time.
Little had changed.
Happiness was replaced with more sorrow, love turned to bitterness and I had become complacent in my own chaos. My goals lost their luster and my eyes their shine.
I saw in the past a keen awareness of what needed change, but change I did not make. I guess it is true that your own advice is the hardest to take.
I watched my sense of self unfold over broken relationships and bad habits, self destructive habits, took the place of someone's fiegned 'love.'
A friend asked me recently if my last relationship really scarred me as much as it seemed. I said 'absolutely not!" The answer, however, was a resounding "Yes."
Time is such an invaluable gift. We have no knowlege of how long we get to hold onto it, or if we will have the foresight to know before it is lost. I had given up a lot of time and now I am older. Not a curse, or a damnation, but a complication at the least. I had focused everything: myself, time, emotion, finances and every ounce of forgiveness into what became like a black hole. Sucking in everything it could, releasing nothing back.
Yet, still, love is an emotion stronger than hurt - at least for a time - and mine never given without being true and so I continued. And continued. And continued.
When there was too little left to protect me, I let go and in letting go your heart screams out for what it had found comfort in. You see, your heart doesn't always realize or see the negative in someone or a situation. It knows no better and it caused me incredible pain, because I had sent away what it had held so dear.
My mind, first happy in it's decision to protect my heart was left confused and shaken... because the heart, that didn't know better, broke more than it had before.
Even my body, that had felt strong began to question and asked, "Who will be there when I am weak, sick or unsure? Who now?"
Everything. Everything had fallen apart in doubt, because the heart, that did not know any better, hurt more than it ever did.
My heart, unfortunately, never knows any better. So it continues to hurt, to search, to seek what it lost.
My mind continues to seek distractions and ways to deceive the heart.
My body stays quiet and timid. Unsure of itself and of it's place.
You see, this is my journey. My life lesson, if you will. It is the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me; nothing material - no matter how much I enjoyed or longed for it - mattered as much. It has always been my heart that has driven.
And as I stand in the crowd, or with friends, feeling alone I ask myself, "How long can a heart that loves as much, despite how broken, survive?"
Then I think of my mother, whose broken heart could no longer stand against the pain, the hurt and I hope "long enough to be made whole again."
Thursday, June 09, 2011
It's almost seven
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