Frozen

-- Originally written on September 9, 2009 and never completed or published.

"For so long you have been walking along the winding path. Through areas which you would have rather avoided, but the journey was necessary and you are hopeful that your destination will be reached soon. As day turns into night, you find yourself approaching a clearing. Before you stands a signpost with roads leading off to the North, East and West. As you try to read the old wooden sign, the words begin to blur and you are unable to focus. The light from your lantern dims and flickers in the night air, almost out of oil and you know it is not safe to be here at night. Unsure, yet determined, you head off to the West...."

I have been thinking about this post for weeks and whenever I sit down to write my mind draws a blank. There are so many thoughts to express that I find it overwhelming and end up just closing the browser and moving onto something else.

I feel frozen. Trapped. As if I am just stuck in one spot spinning my wheels and waiting for the forward momentum which doesn't come.

Lately I have spent a lot of time thinking about religion, creation, God. I have always liked discussing theology, but I believe this new 'obsession' has as much to do with my mother as it does my need for truth. I believe in God, I have no doubt about the existance and purpose of Jesus Christ, but what if we got it all wrong? What if our human interpretations of God have distorted the true message? It is unfortunate that I do not believe the truth I am seeking is something that can be given to me. I do not think there is any 'ask' and be 'answered' to these fundamental questions.

I have many reasons to believe that there is more to us than just this physical reality. I have had my share of experiences that will forever alter my belief system, but those are things I do not share on a regular basis. I am sure that many people share my experiences, but it doesn't make them any more socially acceptable. So I keep them to myself, more questions than answers.

I made it out of Kansas and have moved back to Florida. It is so nice to be back... who can resist sexy palm trees? Florida has always been the one place that makes me feel happy and energized, but this time it doesn't have that feeling. I feel troubled, just as I feel frozen, but I cannot figure out why.  I am happy to have someone special in my life, someone I can love so completely and who makes me feel whole.  Yet, something just doesn't feel right and I am afraid I do not want to know.