"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Monday, August 08, 2005

NightMares & The Super Natural...

I have always had strange dreams. I can recall dreams from about the time I was five years old. It really isn't that difficult, since my minds seems to be rather redundant and repeat the same things over. Kinda like me, if you were ever to speak to me.

While it may seem odd to people who know me, because of my crazy past of searching and trying different belief systems, I do not believe in dream interpretation. No person or book is going to be able to tell me what my mind is rambling off. If you believe in it.. rather than paying $19.95 for that book or $10.00 for a palm reading -- simply call me. I'll be happy to take your money and put it to better use.

I got this idea while driving around today (driving is my personal time) that I'd take a moment and talk about some of my dreams. It may humor, frighten, or leave you wondering --- but what the fuck. It's not like I control what my mind spits out.

I don't come from a religious family. We never went to church, although I think we tried it on a couple holidays as a passing fade. Kinda like StarBucks coffee. However, my dreams (even as a child) have always been somewhat religious.

The dream I remember most started around the time I was five. It may have been sooner, I'm not sure. I have an interesting memory of those early years. I think my most distant memory was being in my crib - in one of those little one piece kid outfits wanting to move and being unable to. It's amazing I can remember that experience (and the feeling associated with it) probably 30 years ago and yet can barely remember what I ate for breakfast. However, that's just a side comment. Back to the dream....

So the five year old dream: It was always the same. A black room, square. No windows or doors. In the center suspended was an american flag. I never saw myself in the dream, as in a third person sense, I was just there as I would be anywhere else. Out of nowhere would run this little red devil looking guy and he'd set the flag on fire. No emotional response from me, I'm just watching all this. Then there would be Jesus (okay don't laugh) and he'd tell me that he needed me to help him put the fire out. So BOOM I would suddenly have this bucket of salt water (gotta love dreams) and run over.. douse the fire and wake up.

This dream was almost nightly, as far as I can remember, for probably a year or so. What makes me curious about it is my age and the symbolisms. I know where Jesus came from, because he looked the same as he did in a painting that hung in my grandmother's house. As for the flag, salt water, and little red devil guy - I'm clueless.

As I got older, the dreams changed slightly, but kept a religious under-tone. When I was twelve-ish and in my dirt bike racing days I began to have dreams that the little devil guy was on a dirt bike racing through my neighborhood trying to find me. So I'd always be running and hiding someplace to avoid him. He never did find me. I was slick, even in my dreams. ;)

All the nightmares I had though lead to my mother telling me, when I was young, something that would come in handy many years later. She said that when I had a bad dream to wake myself up. It didn't make much sense then, but around the time I was seventeen it started to.

How the fuck do you wake yourself up when you're dreaming? Crazy bitch. Well that's kinda what I thought when she first said it. Minus the bitch comment, I don't think I knew that word then.

As I got older, my dreams got more intense. My dreams are 80% of the reason I have a hard time watching supernatural horror movies. They freak me out. Like NightMare on Elm Street - can't watch it. You'll see why in a moment and my dream experiences came before the movie ever existed.

So while I had those dreams I've already mentioned, I also had nice ones too and the simple falling and other types. It wasn't always freaky religious stuff, just so ya know.

At around seventeen my 'bad' dreams took on a new focus. Now they weren't so much 'bad' or 'religious' as they were just creepy and frightening. The first time it happened is the most vivid one.. so I'll tell you that story:

I was dreaming of nothing special. Just going places, traveling around. I began to have a lot of dreams about traveling. No idea where -- just places. At some point, I woke up and was hungry. So I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I was kinda dazed, which I attributed to just waking up, but when I got into the hallway what I saw began to worry me.

The nightlite in the hallway which should have been on my left, was now on my right. Everything I was looking at was reversed of where it should have been. While I stood there trying to analyze the situation and figure out why I was so dazed from just waking up -- it struck me. I was NOT awake yet.

Now if you have never experienced that - you're not going to fully understand the impact. I was horrified, shaking. I thought I was dead. How coud I be fully conscious, standing there in my hallway able to rationalize everything - if I wasn't awake.

I screamed and no sound came out. I knew I was screaming, I could feel the stress of it, but nothing. I tried what my mother had told me so long ago and was fighting to open my eyes - the problem was they were already opened. At least to my mind.

I was crying, I was upset .. I had no idea what to do. I mean, come on, I am fucking awake and thinking but I'm not. I pulled it together after what felt like a long time of being crazed and walked into the kitchen. I tried to pick up the phone, but couldn't. It wasn't like my hand went to it or thru it - It was more like I didn't have any hands to touch it with.

So.. a little more curious than afraid now (no point in being afraid if you can't do anything about the situation - might as well ride it out) I went to the front door.

This is where the experience became dream like again - the door opened and as I walked outside suddenly all the other doors to the complex opened and out came the people who lived there. They were all grabbing their throats and gasping for air. Falling to the ground. This was it - I was spooked as a mutha fucker and with every once of energy I had forcefully willed myself awake. Then I was.

Sitting up in bed, shaken .. disturbed. According to the clock, I was asleep for less than 15 minutes. It had felt like hours.

I never had a dream like that again (nor do I want to) but I can say that for well over two years I had many where I was lucid and conscious, yet not awake.

If you've ever heard of an OOBE and thought it was a joke. I will tell you, it certainly is not. I do not know exactly what they are, what causes them, where you are when you're in them or what meaning they have -- but I will say that I've had my share and experienced things that will forever impact my core beliefs.

There is a distinct difference between dreaming, lucid dreaming and an OOBE.

As I got older the dreams got less interesting. Some strange shit here and there.. some strange traveling.. nothing of note. Not until my last boyfriend.

I don't know if it was the stress of the relationship, the lack of trust I had in him or what. Yet for the seven years we were together, I must have had a nightmare about him at least twice a month.

Shortly after his death, I had one experience that I cannot classify. Maybe it was a lucid dream - maybe an OOBE. It wasn't exactly bad, just interesting.

I dream about him every now and then, although now they are not the nightmares they were when he was alive. Just random memories (for the most part) that my mind shoots out.

Nightmares have stopped. I haven't had one in well over a year.

I could write pages and pages about these things, but I think my post has gotten too long as it is. So, I'll stop it with one last dream story -- one last experience that again has impacted my belief system and made me wonder about how we're all connected...

My best friend and dirt bike riding partner (back in the day) was Lori Duckworth. Talk about a tomboy. Anyway, her family was definitely a bit hardcore redneck - but they were always very good to me. Even though I was obviously a hardcore homo back then. Odd friendships.

Anyway.. years after our friendship when I was in my late twenties, I had a dream about her. It was Lori, her mother, and me standing on a train platform. Her mom was waiting for the train to come and had TONS of luggage. When the train, a really old steam locomotive, pulled in her mother turned to me and said take good care of Lori. This caused me to begin crying .. and I hugged her, said okay, and cried hysterically as she got on the train and it pulled away.

A few days later, and curious about Lori due to the dream -- I gave her a call. We talked briefly, just catching up and then I asked the big question: "Hows your mom?"

The bomb dropped -- "She died a week ago from problems caused by smoking."

1 comment:

  1. Well my mind was trying to figure out some freaky ass shit then. Go figure. ;)