"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Monday, July 24, 2006

Can you hear me now...?

I wonder if the homeless man I gave a dollar to yesterday perhaps is using that dollar to sit at starbucks and check out the internet. In the event that he does, maybe he will stumble across my blog. In that event, likely or not, I'd like to say this to him:

I am expecting to be paid back at the rate of 18.9 percent interest per annum. Thank you.


I have a lot of things to say. I always have. God knows I am incredibly verbose. All the same, sometimes I wonder if I will ever have the chance to tell all the people I'd like -- all that I'd like.

I could post it here for them, but I think the chances are rather slim that they would have the chance to read it. I could possibly view it as therapy for myself, but then again that would point to much deeper issues. Those being ones I should address with myself rather than in a blog.

Blogs are nice. It's an easy journal to keep - but what is the point to placing all your personal life onto the web for anyone to read? Sometimes things are better kept inside -- or amoung close friends.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

And I can easily understand, how you could easily take my man...

Well really, you can't.

So new update: the transition at work has begun and it will be a lot more shakey than first anticipated. I have to play the role of peacemaker between three separate individuals/companies in an attempt to secure myself, my position, without incident. So far, so good -- but I am weary as I know people tend to play dirty when they have agendas to meet.

I've been known to play dirty, also, but I like to not be that way. It's certainly in me -- just not who I choose to be. Unless thoroughly provoked. Would you like to try?

Things on the dating/boyfriend end are good. No problems there, things flow so smoothly. It is refreshing -- I guess the longer the wait, the sweeter the rewards.

All I do know is I am due for a vacation. A BIG, NICE, RELAXING vacation. I have some ideas for around Christmas. There is someplace I'd love to spend Christmas at this year -- so I am going to work on seeing that to fruition.


Thursday, July 06, 2006

It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you.

I cannot recall any recent time that has been as enjoyable as this past week. Even the daily stress of family and work have been over shadowed by the fun, laughs and immediate comfort/closeness I've felt.

It feels like I finally found the missing piece to the puzzle that's me. RaWr!

I'm excited... filled with a lot of anticipation for what is ahead.

This is a very, very good thing. That says enough for now.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The room is non-refundable... barricade the door!

I am probably one of the most holiday oriented people that I know. I love holidays... moreso the ones that involve being close to people I care about. I like that cozy, intimate feeling it brings.

The fourth of July has never been one of those holidays for me. I don't find fireworks to be all that exciting - you see some color bursting in the air once, you've seen it. So I rarely do anything for the 4th.

However, this 4th has left some lasting memories for me. While moments might have been frightening (spiders... bates motel rooms...) the rest were nothing short of endearing, funny and just a sense of comfort/happiness.

It's a bit too late (early!) to go into detail, but I am going to have to... at least the one that tells the story of the picture above. It is too funny not to, but it's going to have to wait until I wake up. :)

Monday, July 03, 2006

Happiness Unexpected...

It's not that I am a negative person, I'm really not. I am just realistic and while I have been blessed with many things that I cannot complain about - one thing has always been elusive: true happiness.

I've come to understand the cycle of my life. It ebs and flows .. one moment peaking, then dropping low and then peaking higher than before. This has always been the way. So, while I do not enjoy it, I have come to expect that every moment of happiness will bring with it a disappointment. Only to be followed again, later, by a deeper level of happiness.

When I was younger, I did not care. So I approached every situation without the thought of any possible disappointments and when they did occur I quickly shrugged them off. I think it is that mentality and my somewhat twisted viewpoint on things (humor..?) that has kept me going so long.

As I got older, I believe I unconsciously built a wall around myself. While I could be fun, outgoing, crazy... you name it... that's as far as you got. If someone good came along, I cut it short. I ended the situation before the situation could disappoint me. It was a crude self defense mechanism at best, but it worked as long as I could avoid the feelings of being lonely.

And I did...

I traveled, I drank, I lost myself in meaningless endevours. Then when the ability to live my 'rock star' lifestyle (as some called it)ended -- I dived into work. Work, work, work. No time for anyone, no time to feel lonely, simply no time.

I came to believe that things I wanted, I wouldn't have. So I stayed content with what I had and what I knew I could easily obtain.

You know, I really hated when people would say "you'll find someone... when you stop looking." I do not like cliches. Plus I never thought I 'looked,' I mean yea maybe I browsed.. but look? NOooooooo. Or so I thought.

Happiness unexpected, what better type could there be? I wasn't looking, I was certainly not expecting... but I think it may have found me, or me it, in a strange - unexpected - way.

Now I can't wait to explore it more, because something inside me says... that there is a lot more happiness ahead, the more I get to know.