"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I hate McDonalds, but love Monopoly.

Okay, so I enjoy a good gamble. Men, slots, Ebay and things like McDonalds Monopoly game.

I travel all over for work, so I have plenty of time to attack some unhealthy food at MissDonalds.


So.. here's the deal.... if you have Boardwalk or Virginia avenue hit a man up and we'll split profits.

I tell you this, so you can eat more of the nasty shit and I can just help us share some money.

Think of all the hookers you could buy with half of a hundred grand!?!

Monday, September 08, 2008


I'm glad that your smile is just an image in my mind

I'm not sure it was ever meant for me

And I'm glad I'll no longer look in your eyes, for I'm afraid of what they might see.

And I'm glad that we won't talk any more, our conversations never went very well.

And you won't be the one, I'm so eager to see, when I've good news to tell.

Your hand won't be the one I hold, through the bad times and the good.

Your chance is gone to do the little things, that I've always wished you would.

Like asking how my day went, or lending me your ear. Kissing me softly, on the cheek, as you pull me near.

You don't have the chance to offer back what your actions have left out.

I see beyond the words that defined what I thought we were once all about.

So the conversations I absorbed, which always went so well

Were words to you and nothing more, but a poet could not parallel the conviction and feelings you so profoundly portrayed

And I believed, not knowing that, the script changed day by day.

Monday, September 01, 2008

Has God abandoned us?

Today my old-new-boyfriend made a comment about the existence of God. He questioned the truth behind the saying that God does not give us more than we are able to handle, because he is experiencing things that he feels are beyond his own capacity.

It reminded me of an experience I had when I was eight years old and which I probably have not remembered in over twenty years. I was outside playing at a chapel in front of my grandmother's house when I decided to wander off and walk behind some old houses. Below those houses were the roof of sheds belonging to the homes below and I walked on those sheds until my foot broke through and I found myself looking down, helpless, at how far the drop was below.

Then something strange happened: there was nothing. I remember clearly looking down and being afraid I would fall all the way through and be hurt and then I remember sitting on the grass some feet from that shed. In between I remember nothing.

I would put that aside and say that I cannot remember what happened because I was so young; if I could say that I never had any other experiences like that as I got older. There have been a few, not many, but a few which has made me view things quite differently.

Therefore, I believe that we are not given anything which we cannot handle, but I also feel that sometimes our ability to 'handle' what is given does not mean on our own. Perhaps there are times when being able to handle what has come our way requires a little bit more. Could it be that it requires us to humble ourselves, sacrifice ourselves or come together with someone else to tackle the obstacle. Couldn't that be possible?

I do not have enough faith to be an atheist, but I do have enough personal knowledge to know when the hand of God has been shown. For whatever the reason or purpose, for whatever the greater goal, I know that when the time calls for it we can be greater than our normal self.

We've been given the greatest gifts. Free will, the ability to quickly adapt, the inner knowledge of right/wrong and compassion. I am sure that I'm leaving some other excellent examples out, but those are the ones which strike home to me.

I know he can and will conquer the obstacles that lay ahead and I know that when the time comes and the purpose is right, I'll be there to help him with the ones that I've been brought into his life to assist with.

I've been given the free will to love unconditionally and the compassion to know when that time is right.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What is the nature of man?

"I do not understand what I do... It is no longer I myself who do it, but it is the sin living in me.... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do --- this I keep on doing..... I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me... I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin. I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." -- From a letter written by Saint Paul to the church in Rome, A.D. 57

Who am I to sit and spill my stories to an unseen audience? To weave tales of happiness, sadness, despair and loathing into stories and parables. To tell the lie that I have learned my lessons, but to continue doing the things I have done that I know I should no longer do.

I have been silent a long time, because I was caught up in traveling for work and dating someone that I met while doing so. A fascinating person, whos imperfections I found beautiful in a way that perfection could not match. Giving my heart, and myself, freely although I know that it is often with a cost not readily seen at the start.

I stayed on the same road with them, despite their wandering off. I returned to their side and followed them, in as much as a small puppy would do to someone that stopped to pet it. However, as is my experience, after their season was done for me - I returned to our place alone.

There is so much I could write and say, but I don't think I am ready yet. It would be great personal therapy to vent and try to understand -- but I guess the truth is, I've been down that same road before and I should have known better. So who am I to complain, cry or seek validation in the acceptance and sympathy of others?

Why is it that love never wins? That truth does not prevail? Why is it that you can give your heart so freely to another person and they can take of that, but they cannot correct the wrongs they've done? Or how can someone hurt the person that loves them, knowing the entire time that is what they are doing? Empty words so easily slip from the lips of others; love is such an easy word, for many, to speak.

I guess to some people it is easier to ignore the wrongs they've done and move on. That way they don't have to face them, their accuser, or correct them. I guess two people, working together, to a common goal - sharing a common love - to have something special is only in fairy tales. Or perhaps, there was really no love at all.

I think we should stop filling youth with the imagination of utopian love, happily ever after and fairy tales where good defeats evil and the nasty dragon is slayed. Then again, perhaps I am just old and bitter. Having loved people and sacrificed myself for them, time and again, to always be the one standing alone when everything is said and done.

Perhaps the true nature of man is the darkness in their hearts. The sin we keep locked up inside, while we put on our show for everyone else to see. Perhaps it is more fun to lie, cheat and be deceitful to the people around you who love you. Everything that is taboo offers more excitement, does it not? Everything you should not do, becomes that much more exciting to do.

I was proud of myself to have reached a point in my life where I was genuine. I love with all of me, I am loyal to a fault and I give of myself to those I care for before ever considering myself. Without expecting in return for anything more than the respect and love that ought be part of the relationship. Then again, perhaps that pride is the same exact darkness in my heart that makes me the same as the person who cheats, lies or hurts others.

I want to understand the true nature of man. I want to believe that genuine people do exist. People who cherish and value love and commitment and relationship. People who know how to correct their wrongs, better themselves and help better the people they are with.

Otherwise, what do we have? When our word is no longer a bond, when love is no longer something deep, special and unbreakable -- what are we left with?

Is the nature of man truly dark? I will always hope it is not.

Sunday, May 04, 2008


Fag Bitch

Ass Fucker

Faggot Pretentious

Liar Slave

It's really no fun doing a post like this after the Dixie Chicks and their freedom of speech shit. What ever happened to the Dixie Chicks? Are they even around anymore? So much for that freedom of speech, if not.

I'm just bored. Sitting here smoking and thinking about the boyfriend or somewhat boyfriend, cause that's become his new title. I've gone past the yield sign and now I'm standing at that annoying four-way stop being pissed off.

I am all about options; I love the options man. I just don't like being in the position that I'm in. How do you make a decision when you can't come to a conclusion; even when you have more than enough facts to make the walk.

It's that love bug.. I'm tellin you. That shit is hardcore. I get up, I get knocked down, I get up again and BAM!!! right back into it....

I'm just a sucker for a sexy guy with those sad eyes and a good line.

So, now I am bored and I miss the fucker. Being single has some good points to it, but nothing beats someone that knows you, has your back and that you know is going to be there for you when the lights come on.

Ya know?

Are you tall enough to ride this ride?

I've been away for some time now. Work has kept me traveling here and there and nowhere you'd really want to be. Unless you're into rednecks from BFE and there is nothing wrong with it if you are.

The knee has healed, thanks in part to my boyfriend and anal sex, but I still don't have the full kneeling action restored. I wonder if that puts my gay card in question?

Poor kitty, it's hard to change your spots. God knows I've tried and I've done very well at it, if I say so myself. My risque bar days are pretty much behind me, even though I do enjoy to go out for a drink now and then to terrorize the scene. My mouth certainly hasn't changed any nor my 'fuck it and fuck you' attitude. My depth has come closer to the surface, though and that creates a lot of change.

It also makes me more easily hurt, but if you've been reading my blog for any length of time you already know I am easy to hurt. I still give my heart totally to the person I am interested in and I still take a beating (no, not literally) before giving up and moving on.

I've always been that way; I believe loving with everything inside of you is the only way to love. I am just amazed that my heart hasn't become hard yet. Or that I haven't learned to sense the difference between someone's 'representative' and their true self.

I guess I still fall for the sales pitch. Who doesn't though, right? Even when the voices in our head are whispering no we continue to say yes. Can't blame us... everyone is seeking the person who completes us.

So where does this leave me? I am doing okay, the job keeps me busy and I am involved with someone who I am trying to believe in. Trying to make sure they can provide what the sales pitch offers.

We will see where it goes.... until then, I am alive and well.

Just a piece

I've been out on the scene since 15... You've seen me on knees in the alley and you've tasted him on my tongue. I liked the attention and I lived to always throw a curve.

I never gave a fuck; where was the next trick to make a show out of? Who would be next? Just a tool to entertain me and in turn entertain you.

You hated to like me, but you lived vicariously through me. I was everything you wanted to be - too afraid to let loose. Too worried about what people would think to say fuck it.

I've learned a lot; I learned that the more I tried to give a fuck the less reason people gave me. The more I wanted to conform, the more disgusted you made me. It amazes me how the 'gay spotlight' works... just don't give a fuck and do what you want. Take some dude outside, throw him up on a car and suck his dick outside the club. Let 'em watch... it's the spotlight.

But don't try to change your ways. Don't grow up. Don't want more. More is the illusion.

It's just part of the drama...