And I, unaware, that the script changed day by day..

Tonight I went to Central Station. My roommate J. Brian is without a car temporarily and he asked that I pick him up. So off I went to taxi him and have a drink in the process...

I am always amazed by the amount of attention I receive and from the large number of people who seem to attach a 'friendship' with me from the bar. While it may sound as though I am being egotistical, I am really not. It honestly shocks me. I don't see what they see and I never have understood the attention I receive and thrive on.

Regardless if I instigate, humor, or dive into it .. I ride it like a mysterious cloud, never fully grasping it, but going with it to whatever the destination may be.

I also learned tonight that someone I was very interested in for a long time, who is just a friend of mine, was interested in dating me. He never told me that. Then I ended up sleeping with his ex-boyfriend (while they were NOT together, I might add) and that has forever sealed the hidden option of dating.

It is for the better, perhaps.

I ran into ThunderCat, or ThunderKat as he spells it, and was once again reassured that he would not stand me up (again) for our dinner tomorrow/today. It's only a 'business' meeting, but I like his company. I really can't explain that either. I don't know him, but there is something in him that I see.

To say he has 'depth' to him would be much too generic. There is something in his eyes, however, that I find gripping and fascinating. When I'm around him thoughts just begin to rush through my head. Things that I feel the need to tell him. I really can't explain it and my attempt to is not doing it (or me) any justice.

I could sit and listen to him talk for hours and just watch his eyes, his movements. It is strangely soothing. There's a peace hidden in him. Who knows, maybe I'll figure it out or just leave it as me being psychotic and too deep.

So it is now 3:23am and I am sitting at my desk, in intense pain, listening to Madonna's Rain. Sounds somewhat depressing, eh?

Sometimes the pain gets so intense that I feel as if I am going mad. I am so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of a body that is falling apart. When does it stop? How does that lyric go...?

"What good is the strength of the strongest heart, in a body that is falling apart. A serious flaw, I hope you know that. Oh my creator."

That may not be an exact quote, but it does get the point across quite well.

I'll call the neurologist this week. It doesn't do a ton of good. I don't want to be medicated on painkillers. I prefer fixes, not bandaids. I have had enough bandaids in my life.

I think every person has a cross they are meant to carry. An obstacle. Something to strengthen your character -- or perhaps make you more understanding of the cross that others carry.

I like to think of things that way. Regardless if I am right or wrong. It gives a purpose and a focus to something which would otherwise be nothing more than a burden.

I am lonely.

I have good friends, a tolerable family, but I'm lonely. It's okay, I am used to it. I was lonely even when I had my boyfriend. It is just when I had my boyfriend it wasn't an empty type of lonely.

At thirty three I've conquered all of my wants and desires. Trust me, it is not because my list was small. I have just been very motivated, focused, determined to accomplish and have what I wanted. Unfortunately, all those things are nothing compared to one of the two I've yet to hold.

Let me share something...

It will be another full moon soon, perhaps another night with you.
The thought that it may be the last masked by the fading view
Of shadows dancing around where you lay, as if they worship you
Almost enough, but not quite as much, as I honestly do.
You don't see because your eyes are closed, but I watch you as you sleep
Afraid to look away, for tomorrow may be the day, I have only the memories to keep
I breath in the breathe that you release, you are the life that I absorb
You asleep in your seperate peace, me overwhelmed as I adore
All that you are and all that you're not, with this hope that reality can break


...for I am not and will never be in your world when I awake.