"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Za Za Zoo & The Butterfly Effect..

Isn't it amazing how one person can affect you. I was thinking about that tonight as I was trying to sleep, but couldn't. I should have, for my own benefit & my job, taken an ambien -- but I hate to medicate myself. Instead, I sat .. I thought .. I lay down .. I thought and then I got up to write here.

Hooray for blogs!

Have you ever met someone that the moment you look in their eyes your whole body just reacts? You feel shy, intriqued, excited.. It's like this one person just captures you and draws you in .. making you want to know more and more about them and just wanting to touch them, hold them...

It's a really rare feeling for me, but it's happened lately. I can't even narrow it down to one particular thing - if anything at all - it's just like a gut reaction to them and woah boy, if they smile -- it's all over. The whole body just melts and suddenly nothing else exists.

It's a nice feeling, although a little scarey at the same time. Or perhaps I am just a bit insecure. Well, yeah, I know I am... I am definitely insecure, but there is another (and much deeper) story to all of that.

So, screw the insecurities .. nothing is gained by being afraid and regardless of the outcome, I am sure it will be worth the exploration. At the very least, I've probably made an awesome friend -- at the most, my future.

So that's the Za Za Zoo .. what about the butterfly effect? I'm sure I'm not the only person that finds motivation in meeting someone that you feel good about. It's awesome.. it motivates you.. it's like that extra little 'umpf!' to make you want to do certain things and excel.

You look forward to their calls or seeing them -- so your day is filled with anticipation and excitement and those little things you know you should do (like not smoking, or being more active for yourself) seem to be more worthwhile... it's actually healthy in a way to like someone...

It's not making me sleep, just yet, but there is always ambien for that - when I choose to take it and not be a stubborn dumbass..

Tonight made me put into perspective my insecurities. I guess no one has impacted me enough to make me realize it -- but tonight I have. It's funny how one comment or question can get your mind going. I'm a little bit analytical anyway, so what do you expect?

I wasn't even going to touch on it, indepth, in this post -- but fuck it! While it's on my mind, let me get it off... so here goes:

Not that I exactly find myself attractive (I don't tend to be pulled towards guys like me), but I can't say I think I am unattractive either.. it's just that when I think someone is beautiful -- it makes me feel a little uncomfortable about how I appear to them. I guess it's that "Why do THEY like ME?!" mentality.. cause in my mind they are "Holy Fuck!" and I'm "Errr okay."

And yes, I KNOW, it is all about perception.. yada yada yada .. but perception isn't helping me when this beautiful guy is undressed beside me and I barely even want to take a shoe off!

I know what it is though, because a year ago I didn't feel that way about myself and while I know what it is -- it's not only hard to face it for myself, but it's that much harder to share with someone else..

However, the more I type, the more it seems like I am going to share it with any person who happens across my blog and that is a REALLY big thing for me. I can count on less than one hand the people that know, because it's not something I like to speak about. It's painful.. in an emotional way (well physical, too, but I'll touch on that in a moment) -- I also am a bit nervous, because I really should have told them myself (which I've decided I will now) and not be taking the chance of them seeing it here, prior to my saying it.

I need to, though.... may be it'll help me sleep....

There's this beautiful little thing that I've inherited (or so the doctors say) called neuralgic amyotrophy .. cute name, huh? I don't know if you'd call it a disorder, a disease, or a malfunction of the nervous system, but whatever you call it -- it's a bad ass mutha fucka.

How does it work, you ask? Well -- you don't see it coming, but when it does its a physical pain that I can't compare to anything else. May be if I was a women I could compare it to child birth, but I am not, so I can't... but it's a pain that makes you want to go out and beat on random people if that helps explain it.

So pain is pain, you gain a tolerance to it - or at least you'd really like to with this one - but after the pain is done is when it really gets you...

Imagine going to put two dishes in your cabinets and you can't, because you don't have the strength to lift them. Nothing like suddenly being a weak ass.

Neuralgic Amyotrophy causes your nervous system to collapse.. simply break down... and when it does your muscle tissues pretty much eat away at themselves. So not only are you weaker, but you've lost actual muscle and in some cases to the point where you can feel small 'holes' in your body where the muscle is entirely gone.

You body is pretty nifty, though, because other mucles will eventually take over for the ones that are gone -- but when you see yourself get smaller and suddenly your weak in ways that are pathetic .. it can really pack an emotional wallop on your ass.

There is no cure for it.. doctors barely understand it. It seems they just recently realized that there are two types of people who have it. It used to be diagnosed by symptoms, plus the fact that people who had it seemed to be facialy disfigured. What they realize now, is that there is another class of people (me included, it seems) who have it, without the disfigurement.


It only effects one side of your body though. Those differ between people who have it. On me, its my left side. From my neck down to my shoudler and left arm and chest, mostly... although the pain seems to have spread to my left and right uppder body. Needless to say, making me look like a wet spider monkey.

It's not constant, it comes and goes at any time. They (they always seem to know the answers to everything. God love they) say it's brought on by serious illness or extreme stress. So that would make sense that it started up shortly after my boyfriend died. I am happy to say, it stopped a couple months ago.

It really isn't a new thing, though, it just has a name now... I had this start when I was 11 years old. Doctors never had any answer for it and since I used to race dirt bikes, attributed it to a dirt bike accident. I guess my parents should have really pushed for the biopsy -- instead they just put me through tests where the doctors would stick these big ass cylinder like (and not exactly sharp electricaly charged) needles into my muscles and wiggle them around .. to see if my muscles reacted.

I don't really know if my muscles did react, I do know that my ass reacted -- you want to discuss pain? I was an 11 year old about to kick some serious ass after the third one of those tests and that was the end of those... lol ... bastards. Let me stick that shit into the doctor and see how quick he is to give the test again.

EMG.. I think it was called, I don't remember.

It was never given a proper diagnoses -- and it simply went away by the time I was 13. So while it left me kinda smaller, it really wasn't a thought on my mind. Here I was now 26/27, working out every day .. I should have known when I wasn't getting big like everyone else, but hell, I'm a little guy and I was still getting biggER and kinda ripped. So I thought all was good -- tricky, slick neurological fucker.

So that is it, that's my insecurity -- that's what I realized as I pondered it over. I feel like I'm at the mercy of something that I cannot control (capricorns love their control) and never know when it'll hit me ... and I see how it changed my body and how much it makes me unhappy when I look at myself .. and I guess I'm afraid that will carry over to whoever else is looking at me....

Stupid probably... but I guess it just takes time to become secure that it won't.

I think I've rambled enough... now I can go anticipate some more... what can I say, I'm excited.

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