What a weekend. What a mindfuck. What a painful reality..
..but let me start backwards first and say how nice it was to know that in my 'disappearance' this weekend so many people were concerned with what happened to me. It's nice to know that people do care, even when I often wonder how many really do.
Months worth of emotions and experience was cram packed into one weekend. One weekend that I will certainly not forget -- at least not for quite some time.
I really don't even know where to start -- yet I still want to vent. I want to get it out, because as much as I am trying to not let it bother me, the events that unfolded are still on my mind.
In a nutshell I was lifted very high .. held there for a short period of time .. and dropped. Let go.. released. I fell hard, very hard. As much as I tried to act tuff and pretend that I was cool with it all -- I am devastated, torn, and broken.
So I dragged my broken self away from them ... to bed, alone. Cuddled on the edge of the bed, grasping a pillow and wanting to believe that everything I had just experienced was nothing more than a bad dream....
...in the morning, on the opposite side of the bed, there they were and I realized it was not all a bad dream. When their arm brushed against mine and was quickly moved away, another reminder of reality was given.
It doesn't matter the place they hold in my life. Friendship, lover, date, partner... labels are not important to me. The closeness, however, the closeness was and is. It gave me a peace and a happiness to lay next to them .. holding them or being held. It comforted me to rub their back or their hair....
But they are not "comfortable" -- I know what 'comfortable' means. I guess it's sweet when someone tries to not hurt your feelings by coating 'not so nice' with 'not as bad' wording.
Where were they a year and a half ago? When I may have been 'up to par' --- now I look at myself and I know that I'm currently below par. That will change, but not in time. Not soon enough to capture their interest.
Yet they enjoy me, like me, and I make them feel good and happy. They 'try' but they 'can't.'
They don't discuss their emotions well. I guess they really don't want to be to the point and blatantly hurt my feelings. How can you hurt me, when I am already hurt? When I hurt all the time - until I am with you. Then even you make me hurt. So why worry -- I'll take the pain, I'm a big boy ... just deliver it with total honesty.
I probably shouldn't like them at this point. I should be disgusted and angry. I am a little bit of both, but I still like them. That's my defect, I guess.... if I like you - I like you. It's pretty cut and dry. If I like you in a way that's rare for me, than it takes even more for my emotions to shift and change.
The mixed signals are a mindfuck. The last two days were a mindfuck. I want to know what is really in their mind.. inside of them. I don't know if I ever will...
Monday, November 07, 2005
You wouldn't want to be me..
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