You lifted my soul and then you let it go

Often times I write about things that are sad, deep, or simply intense. Perhaps it seems as if I am not happy -- and perhaps I am not. Yet, I am blessed and I realize those blessings and embrace them with the anticipation and wide eyes of a child..

Perhaps I seem bi-polar... my posts would lead someone to think that way. However, they are often just a case-by-case, emotional rambling of what is on my mind..or in my heart at any given moment. Not always lasting, but with as much meaning as if they were a daily part of my life.

Mike was my inspiration for starting a blog. I was taken by his and by the reactions and interest of others into what he had to say. It's like reality tv .... in a way. I am happy to see Mike and I talk again -- not much -- but time to time. Despite what happened with us, I do like him ... it doesn't change.

That is me.

I am a guarantee to the people in my life. I am here and I always will be until I am no longer alive. I do not remove myself from the people who impact my heart, my mind, my life....or my soul. Instead I hold on .. and continue to hold through heartbreak, pain, and whatever sorrow may come. Life isn't fair -- I know that -- and I accept it while I despise it.

Once again I am here.... awake much later than I should be on a work night... and while the evening ended nicely - I am sad.

Maybe it isn't really sadness .. it's an emptiness. I am empty... lonely... I feel like there is no one there to hold my hand, to ask me how my day went, or to lend me their ear. I feel alone and it hurts me so deeply.

I've never strived to have the things in my life that others did. I didn't strive for the awesome career, to be the most popular, or to have the most 'toys' -- in all my life, for as long as I can remember, I've strived to be loved ... and to have someone to share all the things inside of me with. I've strived for someone who would accept me, even as defective as I am.

I have never found that. Even in the seven years I was with my deceased boyfriend -- I never really found that.

...and that... that is all I have ever wanted.

So as the people who pull at my heart and who give me joy slowly distance from me.. as hopeful relationships turn into nightmares... I am left with nothing but the reality of being alone.

I have friends.. I have people who care, but that doesn't fill the void. It is nice.. but not quite enough.

Maybe if you read my blog long enough -- something will change. Maybe I will be happy for longer than an hour, a day, or a week. Maybe... just maybe the one thing I have always longed for will happen.

Maybe I will learn to love myself more and not through the eyes or lips of a stranger...

Maybe, just maybe, I will realize that I am more than the rumors, the lies, and the deceit that spread like a virus when my back is turned...

Maybe someone will see into my eyes, into my soul, and they will realize who I am -- what I am -- and what truly matters.

Maybe in that moment I will be whole again.... until then, another song, another tear, another night without sleep... and another daybreak with a fake smile waiting -- as if I have no cares in the world.... just maybe.

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I dont expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself, that my dreams will come true.
Being use to trouble I anticipate it, but all the same I hate it. Wouldn't you?
Time and time again I say that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
but every time it matters all my words desert me, so anyone can hurt me

and they do

Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well maybe not that fine... but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
but that's no consolation here and now.

... where am I going to?

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