Huh? What?

Gabcast! I'm a ninja damnit! #1

Who have you mistaken me for?

Some one easily broken? Lost and bewildered... roaming aimless and empty.

We are all fluid. The most beautiful imperfections ... we devour our environment.

I've wrapped around you, swallowing you... and spit you out.

Perfection tasted so bad, so stale.

Fluid... constantly moving, evolving, devouring... always within reach, but out of touch.

Been quiet for just a little long...

I've taken time away from the bloging while I prepared and executed my move to Florida. Certainly without detailed planning, but I've always been excited by the mystery of what is waiting around the next corner.

So here I am. In sunny Florida with the palm trees. It hasn't been the easiest start, but things have begun to quiet down and I have the chance to begin the plans for the next stage of my move.

I keep busy with work, planning and little trips to Tampa and Miami when I can. A little more networking, some new friendly faces and more palm trees.... I really think I picked Florida because it was the closest destination with palm trees. I'm diggin the palms.

It doesn't hurt that eight out of ten people down here are beautiful either...

I surprise myself a little though -- for how social I can be.. I've kept to myself more than anything else. Reinvention takes time and I have begun a lot of reinventing .... so I have a lot to complete. There is a peace in not knowing a ton of people, like back home and the lonliness that it sometimes brings I can easily chase away.

I'm not getting any younger though, damnit. So I am trying to make the most of my time.

Some prospects of the latino variety -- but I don't want to get focused there. Infactuations and emotions are better set aside for the time. It's easier to just flirt, laugh and disappear ... there will be time for the serious stuff later.

I am waiting to see what 'excitement' gay days will bring. I've already ran into several people from Baltimore - some old friends and I can only imagine who else I will have the pleasure of running into. I am sure the five day event will not go without some interesting story taking place.

There is one person inparticular that I hope I do run into. I've been just a little too quiet, for just a little too long.

Where do we go from here?

Cool Video

Cool lyrics - Gwen Stefani lyrics

Gwen Stefani Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

Fairy Tales Don't Always Have Happy Endings...

Well, I've moved on. A different state, different life. New friends, new memories and while I try to push away the past it still creeps in from time to time.

How can I let go of memories that seem so long ago, but are still recent? How do I let go of expectations and hopes that I held onto so strongly. So afraid to let go... so afraid to move on.

Here I am... a new place. Making new friends, building new memories. Trying to forget, but forced to remember. It's not bad, really. I never wanted to let go in the first place -- I forced myself into a position where letting go seemed the only reasonable solution.

The heart is not reasonable, trust me.

So I've met someone new, I'm hung up on someone old and I've been reuinted with someone from my past. Now I am just confused - a sea of emotions and hesitations. New hopes, new expectations and desires from the past mingled with concerns for the future.

Everything works out in the end, for however it was meant to be. I don't question that, but I do ask myself 'what if' -- because sometimes what if is all you have to hold onto.

Feelings that are true never die..

Walking Away...

I have set into motion the things that need to be done and once again buried secrets inside that I had hoped for a chance to reveal.

Now I wait, for the chance to walk away, while one chapter closes and a new one is begging to begin.

I have learned that nothing is a constant, as much as I'd like to think otherwise and that people, places and things are never quite what they seem. Even though I approach them all with a clear conscious, open heart and child-like anticipation. Never quick to admite that disappointment hurts, but knowing all too well how much it does.

I've left behind anger, desire and pride. Hopefulness is no longer my mantra. What if and what could are no longer thoughts that race through my mind. I have packed away what I can and placed it in storage for now.

There is a sense of freedom in walking away, but that is all.

Nothing surprises me anymore, nothing impresses me... but I never expected it to.

You've been looking, I know...

I know you've been looking... silently waiting to see what I may or may not say -- Curious of what I may need to express.

Despite all things; I cannot bring myself to be the way you are -- because everything I said was true.

As time goes on, you will fade -- but as you grow, you will realize.

The future is only determined by what is in the heart of the person making the choices.

Happy Again..

Things are back in place; I'm happy again.

The humor behind "Anonymous."

If you have something to say, you should be man enough (if that is what you are) to not hide behind 'Anonymous."

So while I do not know who you are, yet, we are both rather curious to find out.

In the interim, let us get a few facts in check:

1) I don't stalk any one nor have I. Have your facts in place before you open your 'mouth.'

2) My blog isn't the entire details of my life, so you have no idea what I have or have not done for the past year.

3) You have no knowledge of our relationship, what it entailed, or what depth it may have had to it - for either of us - so you're not in position to even begin making comments.

4) We're doing pretty damn fine hanging out and riding it along to see where 'we' go from here.

...and five, if you don't like the blog - or if you're simply bitter - don't read it.

The most simple form of truth..

"When you love someone, when you care, you don't run to others to discuss the problems you are having. You don't run to others for an escape. You first go to the person you love, the person you're building something with and you talk to them. Not in hints, not in attitudes, but in complete honesty. You don't find someone else for comfort and then just walk away."

Too Much Time

I never knew all the free time I had to be bored, until being single. My life was busy before and then nice and occupied with him... but now I am just bored.

I don't have the motivation to go out or go anywhere. I simply work, goto the gym to run and then come home. There I sit. Maybe a run to the gas station or a quick trip to see Becca, but when all is said and done.. I'm bored.

The biggest loss in a relationship is the sense of companionship. Someone to call who knows you on a little deeper a level than your friends, someone to see and do things with on that daily basis and someone to cuddle next to at night. Those are what I am missing.

Stay Tuned...

I have decided to stop writing about the present situation between my (x) and I. I am not sure what will become of us, if anything or not, but for now I will remain silent. As hard as silence is for me.

I sincerely appreciate the kind comments that have been left throughout these posts. It has helped.

Stay tuned, because I am sure that at some point I will have news to share. Good or bad. Although I am hoping for the better of the two.

Thanks again.

Silence isn't always golden

I have a good twenty post that I have written about my current situation, but I keep them saved as drafts. It's funny, how even when someone no longer is interested in you it can be difficult for you to do anything that might make them unhappy.

So they sit as drafts, for now.

It's been seventeen days, but why am I counting? I know there is no magic number and why do I feel so helpless?

I've had my share of short-lived relationships and I've walked away from them without any hesitation. I like them go, no big deal. So why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I so reluctant to let it go.

Funny story, the guy I was dating was dating the guy I dated before I met him... before he met me. Well that's not what makes it so funny, but it was interesting. I walked away from that without any issue.

I try to justify and understand not only myself, but him. We had this discussion once before regarding his ex-boyfriend. Everyone wants and needs closure, they need to understand when someone who they think loves them suddenly stops.

Maybe it was how we met, that makes me not want to let go. How I wanted him for so long and chance happened to allow me the opportunity and the opportunity became a relationship.

Perhaps it was how different he was from everyone else, his protective nature, how we laughed and saw humor in things that others probably wouldn't.

Or maybe it was just because he made me feel complete, cared for, loved. Not for anything other than who I am.

He doesn't understand that I still, or why I still, hurt. He doesn't seem to get the fact that I worry about him and wonder about him. He's on my mind all the time in one way or another.

If I had done something wrong, I wish he'd have simply told me. Anything would be more than nothing. Telling someone it isn't them and that you just don't want a relationship -- after telling them that is all you wanted is nothing short of a mindfuck.

As hurt as I am and as much as he does things that I know he is aware hurts me even more I cannot find it inside myself to be angry.

He acts like he hates me and I don't even know what I did. It was sudden, unexpected and nothing was pointing to anything being wrong. Nothing that would send out a red flag.

One minute he loves me, the next he is gone. So there's my confusion, stress and the reason why I don't sleep at night.

He started staying at my house so he could hold me and help me sleep. It was a sweet gesture and it turned into four months of feeling complete. Now my bed is empty and in such a sudden way... that I lay awake at night simply wondering... alone. I reach for him sometimes in the morning still, but nothing is there.

Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I should learn to just say 'fuck it" and move on, but what does that say? People can think I am stupid, they can think I am needy. I really don't care.

I know who and what I am. I know that I was genuinely happy for the first time in ten years by this one person.

And I know he's turned away.

Physical damage will heal. Scars will lessen, pain will go away. Damage to the heart, even when you've overcome it, lasts for ever.

But, I'm not angry. Love is a constant, when it's real, even when the relationship is long gone.

What's in my head...

I didn't write this, but I'm going to post it here until I can find the video. It's amazingly close to the thoughts going through my head right now.

It will be

Whatever it is you're looking for

It will be

Whatever it is you need

It will be better

Even though I know you're not sure

Remember the rain even comes down

In Shangri-La

Look up as it soaks into your skin

And remember who you are and...

Come on home

When the road that you've

Been walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought was

Greener isn't there

You can come on home

If you find the sun don't shine

Through every window

If you find a moonlit night

Still makes you blue

If you find out why you

Feel the way you do

Glance over your shoulder boy

You know I'll be there

I've found in the past you know,

Sometimes life isn't fair so..

Come on home

When the road that you've been

Walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought

Was greener isn't there

You can come on home...

When life isn't fair

Don't go there

You can come on home...

Now I understand...

Somewhere along the way I must have given the wrong impression. At some point he must have doubted how much I cared. His comments always point at little things like that; I didn't show him enough affection.

I think that doubt and lack of affection he needed made him turn off and that resulted in his going away.

If he only knew...

I just want to tackle him and hold him. Of course, he's kinda bigger than me so I might not win on that one, but all the same... I want to hold him. Everything inside tells me it's what we need... a few moments of quiet affection, a reminder.

He says he can't change what his mind and body feels, yet it seems almost like a struggle. One moment I see the same look in his eyes that he had when he was all about me and the next I see it turn cold and distant.

I don't believe, deep inside, that he is happy we're over and I know that he is aware I am not either.

I just wish he'd try, if not for our sake than for mine. I wouldn't even ask it or expect it if I didn't know that the love for me is there. It's been 15 days and it feels like 15 years.

Nothing should ever obligate you to a relationship, but time invested and love should obligate you to try.

When everything falls apart...

Today I learned of additional bad news, just something more to pull my world apart. I am at the end of my rope, I am worn, beat, defeated. I feel like I am being strangled.

I have been neurotic over the loss of my boyfriend. In some ways, losing him has had a more profound effect on me than my past boyfriend. For some reason, his walking out on me and turning his back had caused more pain than my boyfriends death in the car accident.

I guess because I finally loved someone, who really loved me back. I had a sense of complete satisfaction and happiness; I've never had that before.

Now there is something else. A new adversary, inside my body, that is causing me pain. I am scared, lonely and my emotions are upside down.

I have been fighting for my boyfriend back. I've done things that I never would have thought to do before. I have been like a stalker, trying at every turn to be involved and to stall what I saw as a threat to my chances with him. I have seen everyone as a threat to us, since he went away and now I can longer fight.

I want him to hold me. I want to cry. I need to let out all the fears I've been holding. I let it go for so long, what's inside of me, that now I am even more afraid. I guess I didn't want to believe.

I look horrible, busted and weathered. My eyes are dark. I haven't slept in the past 21 days more than a few hours a night. I need rest right now, it is a must, if I want to keep things as good as I can.

I also need to stop smoking, but I cannot foresee that happening right now. I have nothing to counter the stress. Not my boyfriend, nothing. My friends I love, but it is not the same. It is not enough right now.

I need to be held.

My mind is racing with all the worse case scenarios. Something else that is not like me; I am the optimistic one. Not today, not now. I wonder if something bad happens who will take care of the people I need to take care of? What will they do?

I feel sick inside. I can't fight anymore.

I just want to be held and made to feel secure.

It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you (part two)

Sitting at home, alone, tonight and bored I began reading through my previous blogs. Starting with 'Happiness Unexpected' which told a cryptic story of how I met my 'boyfriend.' I'll call him my boyfriend, to make it easier (on me..?). Plus, not only do I have no intentions or desires for anyone else, but in my heart he's still my D-Fix.

Reading through those blogs, I had nothing but happy memories hit me. There was so much laughter when we were together, so much fun. It was so adorable the way his eyes would light up, his devilish smile and his way of saying "Nooooooo" -- everything about him was perfect in my eyes, he was free of defects, even though we are all defective in our own ways. It is that which makes us beautiful and allows us to grow. Perfection leaves no room for movement, but all the same, in my eyes he was and is perfect.

I read over those things and the nice things he had said about me, when he blogged as well, and I can't help but wonder if he is doing the same? Is he reading the things he wrote, thinking of the fun we had together and thinking about all the things we said? Does he ever think about me and miss me..? I can't help but wonder.

Even when I expect the opposite, my friends are supportive. Most people tell you to get over someone but I don't hear 'get over him.' I hear 'you two always looked so happy' or I hear 'I've never seen anyone make you as happy as he did.' My friends know me. While it may sound like the 'wrong advice' my friends liked us together -- they liked him for how happy he made me. They tell me to not give up, to give a little space and be a little patient. They are also kind enough to remind me to love myself...

I wonder if what he did was a form of self-defense. Maybe he was afraid of losing me or thought the way I felt was changing? Perhaps he decided to get out before I didn't want him anymore. I know I changed a bit, it wasn't him, it was just all the stress I was dealing with. I felt bad that I couldn't do for him all he did for me. I was afraid about what was happening to my mother and I was mad that my job consumed time that I could be with him. There has never been a moment when I wanted anything more than him.

I know he's been hurt before and I know he's not quick to give himself to anyone. So maybe, just like me, he was a little scared too. Maybe the same fear of losing him, that caused me to become irrational over something he did, because of past experiences ... was the same fear that caused him to break away.

It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I'd trust him with my life. I know he's a good person and I know his words mean something - even when he chooses not to show it. I was just afraid and being a little intoxicated never helps anything.

Sometimes I want to just write about the entire situation, but I don't. I respect his privacy and while the chance of someone reading this knowing him may be slim, i'd still feel wrong. This is like an awful nightmare. A horrible misunderstanding, a gross breakdown in communication. Not at all a reason to throw away the time we spent and the closeness we had.

Yet I do want to write about it. I want to write and hear someone say "hang in there!" I want to hear "if he really loves you, he'll be back," because I don't doubt for one moment that his feelings for me are the way he said. If they weren't, we wouldn't talk at all. I am pretty sure of it and while our conversations are not always the best right now -- we do still have them.

I think the most painful thing, next to not having him here with me, is how he avoids any attempts to see me. It's like hanging with me or seeing me would do something bad... or bad in his mind. That hurts, he wasn't just a boyfriend to me, he was my friend. I respect his thoughts, opinions and the comfort he gave me when things weren't too well.

And right now, I could use that comfort as I get ready to face somethings I am not too comfortable about.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now. I'll post as I'm moved, keeping an update of what happens and for better or worse -- I'll wait.

I'll wait for him and give him time to sort through whatever it is that has caused this. I believe that sometimes you have to experience the pain to reap the reward in the end. If we do make it through this, we'll be stronger for it.

If we don't... I don't know what to say. Everything about us being together was so amazing and such a rare chance -- it made it so special, so different. I don't want to think about what if we don't right now. I'll keep focused on maybe soon he'll put whatever has happened behind us and we'll try again...

At least if we fail then, the pain of an unknown is gone, because we held true to what was said to one another and gave ourselves the chance to see the possible rewards.

Do you know?

How deep is the ocean, how high is the sky?

[written 1:36am, 10-17-06]


How much do I love you..

The greatest act of love is freedom. The ability to give to someone you love the freedom to be away from you. The freedom to think and be without the pressue of your existance, even when it destroys you inside.

Today, through many tears, and tonight while holding them back I did just that. I gave to the person that my heart cries for the complete freedom of being away from me. I could no longer find any other way to show them the totality and true unconditional nature of what I feel for them, but to let them go.

We've all heard the cliche' that if you love something let it go and if it returns to you it was true. I never believed I would be someone to do just that.

Our conversations always went so well and our time together was rarely filled with any tension - but for the last week it had become argument upon argument. While I attempted to pull him back and he pushed away further. Had that routine continued, I know any shred of what we had would have been lost in the mix.

In some ways, I feel better despite the emptiness I can feel welling up inside. I know I will still wake up and reach for him, not finding him there. I know that I'll get lonely or have news I want to share, but I will avoid calling.

Maybe, just maybe, one day soon my phone will ring or there will be a knock on my door and it'll be his voice I hear and his face I see...

and maybe, just maybe, should that happen.... we'll lay on my bed talking, laughing, playing like we use to and I will hold him again and not let go.

Maybe... just maybe.

We're so quick to look away, because it's the easy thing to do...

I spent over an hour writing this blog and lost it due to a 'lost connection' by my Internet service. Disgusted and upset that I won't be able to re-write it with the same words, thoughts and feelings.... I'm giving up. :(