When everything falls apart...

Today I learned of additional bad news, just something more to pull my world apart. I am at the end of my rope, I am worn, beat, defeated. I feel like I am being strangled.

I have been neurotic over the loss of my boyfriend. In some ways, losing him has had a more profound effect on me than my past boyfriend. For some reason, his walking out on me and turning his back had caused more pain than my boyfriends death in the car accident.

I guess because I finally loved someone, who really loved me back. I had a sense of complete satisfaction and happiness; I've never had that before.

Now there is something else. A new adversary, inside my body, that is causing me pain. I am scared, lonely and my emotions are upside down.

I have been fighting for my boyfriend back. I've done things that I never would have thought to do before. I have been like a stalker, trying at every turn to be involved and to stall what I saw as a threat to my chances with him. I have seen everyone as a threat to us, since he went away and now I can longer fight.

I want him to hold me. I want to cry. I need to let out all the fears I've been holding. I let it go for so long, what's inside of me, that now I am even more afraid. I guess I didn't want to believe.

I look horrible, busted and weathered. My eyes are dark. I haven't slept in the past 21 days more than a few hours a night. I need rest right now, it is a must, if I want to keep things as good as I can.

I also need to stop smoking, but I cannot foresee that happening right now. I have nothing to counter the stress. Not my boyfriend, nothing. My friends I love, but it is not the same. It is not enough right now.

I need to be held.

My mind is racing with all the worse case scenarios. Something else that is not like me; I am the optimistic one. Not today, not now. I wonder if something bad happens who will take care of the people I need to take care of? What will they do?

I feel sick inside. I can't fight anymore.

I just want to be held and made to feel secure.