"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Monday, October 23, 2006

Silence isn't always golden

I have a good twenty post that I have written about my current situation, but I keep them saved as drafts. It's funny, how even when someone no longer is interested in you it can be difficult for you to do anything that might make them unhappy.

So they sit as drafts, for now.

It's been seventeen days, but why am I counting? I know there is no magic number and why do I feel so helpless?

I've had my share of short-lived relationships and I've walked away from them without any hesitation. I like them go, no big deal. So why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I so reluctant to let it go.

Funny story, the guy I was dating was dating the guy I dated before I met him... before he met me. Well that's not what makes it so funny, but it was interesting. I walked away from that without any issue.

I try to justify and understand not only myself, but him. We had this discussion once before regarding his ex-boyfriend. Everyone wants and needs closure, they need to understand when someone who they think loves them suddenly stops.

Maybe it was how we met, that makes me not want to let go. How I wanted him for so long and chance happened to allow me the opportunity and the opportunity became a relationship.

Perhaps it was how different he was from everyone else, his protective nature, how we laughed and saw humor in things that others probably wouldn't.

Or maybe it was just because he made me feel complete, cared for, loved. Not for anything other than who I am.

He doesn't understand that I still, or why I still, hurt. He doesn't seem to get the fact that I worry about him and wonder about him. He's on my mind all the time in one way or another.

If I had done something wrong, I wish he'd have simply told me. Anything would be more than nothing. Telling someone it isn't them and that you just don't want a relationship -- after telling them that is all you wanted is nothing short of a mindfuck.

As hurt as I am and as much as he does things that I know he is aware hurts me even more I cannot find it inside myself to be angry.

He acts like he hates me and I don't even know what I did. It was sudden, unexpected and nothing was pointing to anything being wrong. Nothing that would send out a red flag.

One minute he loves me, the next he is gone. So there's my confusion, stress and the reason why I don't sleep at night.

He started staying at my house so he could hold me and help me sleep. It was a sweet gesture and it turned into four months of feeling complete. Now my bed is empty and in such a sudden way... that I lay awake at night simply wondering... alone. I reach for him sometimes in the morning still, but nothing is there.

Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I should learn to just say 'fuck it" and move on, but what does that say? People can think I am stupid, they can think I am needy. I really don't care.

I know who and what I am. I know that I was genuinely happy for the first time in ten years by this one person.

And I know he's turned away.

Physical damage will heal. Scars will lessen, pain will go away. Damage to the heart, even when you've overcome it, lasts for ever.

But, I'm not angry. Love is a constant, when it's real, even when the relationship is long gone.


  1. Hey,i dont know where to start with this but I will try.I dont want to tell you that im sorry that you have to go through this because I'm sure you dont want my pitty.And I cant tell you that I know how you feel because I dont,but i can say that it sucks.Look I guess what I'm tryin to tell you is i hope that everything works out for you. Really I wish i didnt find this blog cause i didnt want to know how much you cared for him.But now I'm hooked and I read everyday and I know way more then I wanted to.I once had the biggest crush on you and then you just stoped talkin to me I was so mad but i got over it and now i can say I wish you nothing but the best. On that note peace out J

  2. A guy I've recently started dating told me about his ex Evil-Kevin (I'm to-be-determined-Kevin at this time) ... "Rule #1: If we do end up somewhere down the road as a couple, living together, just know that if I come home to find a note from you taped to the bedroom door that merely says BYE, I will hunt you down and kill you."

    That's how his last ex (of a pretty long time) opted to say goodbye.

    Men suck sometimes (and not in the good way).