It's a little bit funny...

Okay nice weather rocks. I figured I would take a moment to put a new spin on the blog, inbetween doing laundry and trying to catch up on much neglected housework.

Things are good -- for the most part. It also seems that warmer weather brings with it a lot of people who are spawning, as I like to call it. Suddenly there are phone calls from long lost friends, ex's, etc. I'm a sentimental kind of person, so it's nice to hear a familiar voice or receive an email from someone who I haven't spoken to in forever.

So, I am happy. Even with the possible closing of my store (which means unemployed Jason) and the new financial obligations I've taken on... I am still happy, content, and even a bit excited as to how things will play out. Change has always excited me.

Change and a journey.

Speaking of journeys, I received an interesting email about my blog. The intent was nice, I am sure. I guess my writing comes across depressing. I know it can appear that way, but it is nothing more than passing thoughts, mental ramblings, or my way of looking at a situation from various points of view.

I don't tend to be very deep in person. I save that for a select few people, but when I write .. I pull a lot from what is deeper inside. I tend to ask questions that I already have my answer to. I just write to release. It's not as deep as it may appear to the person(s) who take it as a literal representation of my thoughts and feelings.

So, to set the record straight...

No, I am not sad or depressed. Lonely? Sometimes, but not often. I am certainly not pressed for any one in my life at the moment. The days of wanting someone, because they are 'someone' is well over. I'll be content allowing what happens to happen on its own. Each person an opportunity and each person a possibility, but without expectations or desires.

I've always been pretty self-maintaining. Perhaps that is why I am here, 34 years later, after all the things I've experienced. I do not break, not internally at least.

Well that is all for now... until something interesting comes along or I am on a drunken emotional rant. However, I don't go out much lately -- so drunk is a rare thing. Damnit.

Although, the offer to goto "Gay Bingo" might be some good entertainment.

Meus deus, meus vires, meus saviour

Sono stanco solo tu , mio dio , avere dato me forza verso conquistare e tuo famoso io apprezzamento nonostante potere e raggiungimento Ÿ raggiungere libero tu.

But..you liked me at 3:00am when you were drunk?!

I was perfect, beautiful, amazing and you were intoxicated.

Your hands slowly covered me. Your eyes filled with excitement. Your kiss deep and passionate.

My name escaped you. That's alright, I didn't make an effort to remember yours. You had to take my number, it was important for us to talk again. I already knew the truth, so what point in taking yours?

I tell myself time and time again that perhaps this one is different. Perhaps you are more. So I take another drink and for the next few hours I am yours.

Night turns to day and I awake.. silently making my way out the door. As I walk to my car I can't help but smile. I know, all too well, that you are not different...

Now it's funny, almost a game. I won't be disappointed when the phone call doesn't come - I've already anticipated the outcome.

I'm sure I will see you out again. We will exchange the 'do I know you?" look and I'll simply nod. Another notch, another conquest... what do you call them now?

It may be better this way. There is no wasted time, no one to hurt. Years won't be wasted in realizing we are not right for each other.

That is better, isn't it?

You've paid your dues...

So many secrets and lies are hidden behind loving eyes, encouraging words and kind smiles.

How many tears fall when no one else is around?

When you try to be strong and in control while in the presence of others - yet inside you are suffering. Afraid. Alone.

How many chains bind you? When will you find, within yourself, the power to be free?


Not in a pill, a drink, a cigarette. Not in the acceptance of a friend, a stranger, a lover...

I know too well the pain you feel. The part we play while in public to not be vulnerable. The hurt we endure with hope for something better. Hopes that are set high .. knowing we are likely to lose.

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

Learn to appreciate what is lost - as much as you appreciate what you gain.

Everything with a purpose... even when we fail to realize or accept it.

Now I'm standing here...

In five days it will be three years since my boyfriend died in the car accident. While my life has progressed with few moments of hesitation since I came to terms with the accident -- current situations renew it, daily, in my life.

It's a strange feeling, but like everything I feel, it ebs and flows. Sometimes being upsetting and other times being nothing more than a passing thought.

I can't say that I believe in coincidence. I think our lives bring to us, for whatever the reason, crossroads that determine our next available paths - for better or worse. The final destination ultimately known (by God) but our free will at work.. shaping our destiny.

Wow... kinda reminds me of the old HabitTrails and hamsters... those were the simple days. When having a hamster to tourment was fun and being the first in your neighborhood to own MJ's Thriller on a 45 was the best thing to happen in your life.

I wonder where the lesson was for me. If I'll ever know it, learn from it, or if I already have. I guess I will never know. Or may be it is already a part of the secrets I keep burried inside of me... the secrets that I am waiting to tell, when I find someone to share them with. Someone to trust and believe in.

I am still, as always, drained. So exhausted. Mental, emotional, and physical. This job is sucking the life right out of me. Poetic justice, perhaps. It is a shame that only now I understand my boyfriend a bit better. Yet, he was still a shady bastard. Just a shady bastard I have a better understanding for at the moment.

The amazing power of love...

I have that itch... not to be confused with that itch that comes from a good trick at 3:00am in a stairwell by an abandoned building... but that itch to get away. To travel. To be somewhere other than here or there. Of course, now I am playing the part of responsible adult .. grrrr! damn the adult-ness.

Oh well, I am content. Maybe not satisfied, but that's not part of my personality anyway. I am always looking for something more exciting than the last adventure. Something to thrill me.

It just never does.

What a joke...

Okay so perhaps it has been awhile since I had anything really fun, exciting, and uplifting to write about. Don't get me wrong, I am not jaded or bitter. Even if I was I'd never let anyone know. I just prefer to 'keep it real' and I tend to write things in a way that is more like random thoughts being rambled off... sometimes good, sometimes sad, sometimes alarming .. sometimes making people wonder if I should be medicated. Ya know, all of that.

So today was a bad day. It was my 'day off' that never turns into a day off. Once again, I find myself at work dealing with issues, getting nasty phone calls from corporate and being made to feel like I should be on careerbuilders.com looking for a new job. Ya know, throw me into a store (no training on any level mind you) that is already fucked up and tell me to turn it around with no money to spend.

Well okay.. so I've spent some of their money on turning it around. It desperately needed it and everything I do improves the place. Complaints are down, sales are up... but that's not enough.

Today it is all about tokens. We had 20,000 in the store as of last month and today we have only 2,837 left. So like 16,000 tokens which equals $4,000.00 (at retail value) is missing.

I looked in my ass.. they weren't there. I haven't checked the asses of my other employees yet, but I am debating it. I even looked in my dryer and I couldn't find them there either. So I'm at a loss.

I know it looks bad. I am upset about it, too. I can't explain it and I had no idea they were gone -- even though I do know we always seem to be searching and trying to get tokens together for sale on busy Saturdays. However, that has been sorta par for the course since I arrived so I didn't put much added thought into it.

I've fired most of the poison employees and only have a few more to get rid of. I am ontop of my management staff, am re-training (yet again) my line employees, working on marketing partnerships to increase business and trying to think of a legal way to slander the rat (Chuck E.) to pull their customers into my park.... and now I have to worry about my job security over 16,000 missing tokens which is obviously an inhouse theft issue.

I need to find better employees but I am not in the best place for that. Not that where I am is exactly bad, but the mentality kinda is. Oh well... I'll figure it out somehow.

I'd much rather be in San Juan, under a palm tree drinking a margarita, while I figure it out -- but I guess that will need to wait for a bit.

Do you know what it feels like..?

So, I am driving to the bank and I hear a woman on the radio (105.1 wava) hardly able to speak. Afraid and crying. Asking 'how do you die with courage?' and saying she is afraid that God abandoned her.

A neurological disorder is causing her to waste away and her mother, now dead, is no longer there to help her. She's by herself, with no one able to care... wasting away.

And my heart aches for her. This stranger. Nothing more than a voice breaking the silence of my ride. An ability, a motion, a thought... all taken for granted.

I think back to my own fears and my own neurological issues - knowing the same can happen, but being thankful that I've been blessed enough that it hasn't. Not yet.

My mind races... what can I do? How can I help a stranger? I'm not in the position to help -- I have my own mother that relies on me and I can barely handle the weight of that.

My heart, however, doesn't let go of the emotions her voice caused me and my mind replays her voice.

I think about the 'fat girl' that everyone makes fun of. Who is laughed at and made fun of at her expense. Sometimes aware, but often not, that she is being used as a joke. I watch her laugh or shrug off the comments she's aware of -- and I wonder how often she cries when alone.

What about 'Jackie?' The homeless woman who stands outside of the nightclub, asking for someone to help her. While countless drunken idiots who, with nothing nice to say, could simply ignore her -- yet they are abrasive, combative, and demeaning.

Where does she go as they walk off with their next trick. To snort their drugs, drink their alcohol, and fuck without concern for the woman standing helpless on the corner.

Without compassion, we are nothing.

.... that should be a t-shirt for New Yorkers.

In other news, I went ahead and did it. I decided to get the Cooper. Not that any of you (whoever 'you' are) knew that I wanted one, but I did. Below is the little beast that will be terrorizing neighborhoods near you soon.

1.5 Million Lawsuit? Please...

Okay, so just when I think my life is boring something comes along and has to shake it up again and remind me that I am Jason.

Today I was served with a 1.5 Mil lawsuit from an incident back in August of 05.

1.5 Million... um, hold on let me check my savings account... Oops! $19.95 .. I hope they want to settle for that.

So back in August around 10:30pm I was leaving my house to go visit Rebecca for a cup of coffee. As I was at the end of my road, begining to pull out onto the main road, I heard this little lawn mower sound and noticed a scooter (which wasn't there before) coming over the hill. I slammed on my breaks (not even making it off my street and onto the main road) and he, having seen me, got scared and slammed on his breaks too. This caused him to flip over the handle bars and skid down the street a bit.

I was in a panick. Cars were stopping, I called 911 (several times), called my friend who was a block away waiting on me to come, and it was pure chaos. The police came, EMTs, the works. However, the man (who appeared drunk) declined any medical service (he only had some minor cuts) and after the police talked to everyone .. the 'accident' was considered no fault and we all went on our way.

About two weeks went by and I got a letter from an attorney retained by the scooter driver demanding my insurance information. I called and told him (the attorney) 'fuck you,' I am not turning over my insurance information to someone when there was no fault involved. Go raise someone elses' premium jackass.

Now, almost a year later, I receive court papers for a trial by jury in the amount of 1.5m because..

"Defendant operated his vehicle in a negligent and careless manner by entering the intersection when it was not safe to do so then stopping in the intersection. Which caused the plaintiff to abruptly stop his vehicle to avoid the collision causing the plaintiff to fly over the handlebars of his scooter in a projectile motion."

Umm, okay, the intersection isn't on my street jackass. I am so disgusted.. it's jackasses like this which cause everyone to have insane insurance premiums and who fuck the system. More research indicates he lives in a low-income neighborhood in a 70,000.00 house... so yeah, I am sure he'd love to get some free money.

Oh well... go ahead and underestimate who you attempt to sue with incorrect claims and bullshit. I plan on riding this out... this is one time I am determined to NOT be taken advantage of by some fuck.

Grrrr!

Strong inside?

Where are the days of living life with reckless abandon?

Every morning a new adventure and every night another journey to take.

Perhaps it is time to pay my dues...

Or did I just take too much?


I got exactly what I asked for...

Now alone.

I have changed my mind.

How would you like me to compensate you...?

I have felt so detached from everything lately! I had my cell phone stolen from work a week (?) ago [of course not as bad as having your car stolen..] and been without my cable modem service for about as long.

While not having my cell phone has created a peaceful silence ... the lack of contact with friends has not been as pleasant.

Things at work have gone from horribly stressful to being a bit more tolerable. I've been able to hire on some of the old management staff and am in the process (as of this Friday) of removing over 20 of my employees who are nothing more than a poison to my goals.

Inch by inch the park is coming together, straightening up, and taking on a more attractive look. Games are 80% operational (a huge improvement) and complaints are way down... while sales begin to rise again.

Part of me wants to sit back and feel proud of the minor accomplishment and the approval from corporate... but I am afraid that one moment of feeling proud will result in a sudden downfall of what little accomplishments I've been able to create thus far.

I seem to live and sleep work now - something very new to me. Not that I am lazy or am not interested in working, but going from almost two years of not having to work and then suddenly having to bust my ass seven days a week for sixteen + hour days... it can fuck with you.

My house is a wreck, I look older - worn, I haven't done laundry in weeks....

I think about where I was and what I was working on. The websites, the expectations, the people who knew I had something coming - who now will not see anything arrive. I toss around the ideas of putting the sites online that I had begun work on, but then I can't say my heart is with them anymore.

I'm not sure where my heart is at anymore. As grounded as I feel right now -- I feel just a little lost. A little overwhelmed and unsure.

I've lost interest in meeting people. No desire for someone in my life at the moment other than friends and family. Luckily my roommate provides me with a nice amount of platonic physical affection - it counters any feeling of lonliness I may have, when I have the time to feel lonely.

It's 5:00am ... I've been online researching and emailing about things for work. I need to sleep, so I can get up in 4 hours ... get a haircut, run to the bank, and back into work to complete paperwork that I've neglected for the week. I am not a paper pusher -- I am more creative based.

Damn the paperwork.

What I wouldn't give right now for a warm sun, a nice breeze, and a palm tree...

However, I'll settle for seeing people walk through my doors... their eyes wide and excited with parents in tow. It's amazing how life flows... it may seem that you are thrown about without any true direction or control...

but I've realized that it is not about control or even direction .. guidance is silent and surprising.

I've always wanted to touch the lives of people ... to leave a lasting mark. Now I do it daily with children and their parents. It was never how I saw that want, but it's being fulfilled all the same.

I like the taste of you... better.

It's almost 4am and I am not tired. Well, no, I am tired - just not in a physical sense. I think part of me is craving human contact. I get tons of human contact, mostly unwanted by ghetto fucking kids and their parents, at work -- but I need substance human contact.

It's funny.. I'm never satisfied. I bitch when my phone rings every five minutes from a different person trying to hang out or hook up, I bitch when I go out and meet people, and then I turn around and bitch that I have no contact with anyone since this job.

Okay, fine. Maybe I am not easy to satisfy. Hell, I thought I was. I am pretty damn simple after all.

I will say that I am starting to miss the traveling and nightly going out. I am begining to get that 'trapped' feeling again - which is not good - cause then I start looking for a way out or someplace to go... something to break the routine. I hate routines.

Dogs, cats, fish, and mormons have routines. I need variety and excitement.

So while I can sometimes enjoy someone strapping a collar to my neck and taking me for a walk -- I need to fly. Somewhere that has palm trees is preferred.

That's all for now -- this wasted a good three minutes. I needed something to do. I will write more when something exciting happens. ;)

Can you handle the ride? I can...

My life has been such an amazing journey. I feel peace in knowing that I have experienced it, have lived, that I've let go of the wheel and taken the ride for all it could be worth. Love, pain, happiness, loss, richness, destituteness, fears and having been fearless. To have touched the stars and fallen beneath the earth.

And yet while I ride out the journey.. while I experience the lows and highs of what life has given me and what I have taken hold of and brought from it .. I am always motivated and excited about the rebirth and the next experiences that are waiting for me.

There is no satisfaction in standing still, unless it is to catch your breath and begin to run again.

So now I look at the new journey ahead of me. The new job, the older projects on hold, and where I will end up next. Together, single, rich, poor ... here or somewhere new... it will be fun to explore.

The pages are now blank and the journey has begun again.

The mysterious Art...

Who is Art? 5'6 is sexy.

Nobody's perfect...

It's amazing what surprises life will bring you...

Last Wednesday I received a telephone call from the place where my last boyfriend was General Manager. It seems that since his death the store had taken a turn for the worse and the sales were not doing very well. The president of the company called me in to give her my 'opinions' and 'suggestions' for making the store successful again... and so I went. The place holds special meaning for me anyway.

The store was in bad shape. Obviously poor General Managers after my boyfriend. Nothing that cannot be corrected.

So we talked and talked... then she turns to the stores current district manager and says "Meet the new General Manager" and offered me a job.. at a rather impressive salary which was shocking.

So, I took it. It matters to me. Even though it is somewhat surreal and a little morbid that my dead boyfriend was GM there -- I took it to make it the way he had it. To see it bringing in 400-600k a year net profits again.

Thus the work began and I am happy to say in only one week sales are over last years. It's simple. The place isn't rocket science. It's established, profitable, and easy to work with.

This past Friday I met with the president again at another one of the stores.
We talked, went over new food samples, and just discussed where the stores had been in the formation of the company to where they are now. The company expanded too quick, acquired too much debt, and is now in a state where it needs to sell of the stores. So the stores are being sold to individuals, who are making out on the awesome concept and the fact that they are already established.

Then the next shocker hit me... she offered me to buy John's (my dead boyfriends) store. 700K financed by the company over a six year period, the other 300k down.

...yeah ummm there goes that because I think I have $93.89 in my bank account at the moment.

Potential buyers were in today... some jackass from New Jersey. I hope he hated it - I want that store fuckers.

Better me than some yahoo from NJ that knows nothing about it. Oh well.... everything for a reason. So I wonder where the reason is in all this?

I will keep going with it, to see what happens, working seven days a week to see the store succeed. The people that knew my boyfriend just stare.... I think they feel the same way I do. It's like he's walking around there again (we look a lot alike) -- it's strange and yet comforting at the same time.

The only true success in life are the positive impacts left on those you meet. Not money, not material things.. there is an impact left there and I will hopefully see to it that it remains.

I am going to tell you about date rape...

I cannot count the number of times I've heard people say, in reference to a girl who was date raped, that she 'deserved it' because of how she dressed or behaved.

I cannot count the number of times that I've said the same thing.

What you don't hear a lot about are the guys who are raped. Straight, bi, gay .. doesn't matter. You just rarely ever hear about it. Easy answer.. male pride. How many guys want to say "some dude raped me."

I would never want to, but I have.

I wonder if the chances of being hit by lightening twice reflect at all upon the chances of being raped twice? Or maybe I just 'ask' for it.

I remember the first time vividly. I was in my early twenties spending a few weeks at my parents condo in Ocean City, Maryland. As I always do in OC, I was sitting on the boardwalk at about 2:00am on a Saturday night. That's the best time to watch the hot, fucked up dudes walking back from the bars and acting stupid (sexy).

I was sitting there, smoking and minding my own business - lost in a sea of hotness - when a short, muscular, shirtless guy in basketball shorts approached me and asked for a cigarette.

He was obviously drunk, around my own age and beyond hot. As I was giving him a cigarette I looked down and woah! The dude was standing there with a hardon pressing out the leg of his shorts. So now we have me (gay and bored) talking to a built, ripped up, hot, hard straight guy....

So, of course, the talking begins. Ask him where he was, what he was up to, and what was up with the hardon. The questions inquiring minds wanna know at 2:00am in OC.

According to his story -- his girlfriend didn't want to fuck, he did, and she tossed him out of the hotel. He was drunk, horney, and bored. We had a little in common.

Somehow the conversation ended up with him wanting to come back to my condo for a blowjob and off we went.

To make a long story short - midway thru the blowjob he decided he wanted to fuck me. I don't get fucked, just for the record. I said "Nah, that's not my thing." and he said "I wasn't asking you." After that he grabbed me, flipped me onto the couch, held me down, undressed me, and rammed his dick into my ass. His thick, huge, non lubed, non condomed dick into my ass.

Kept my head pushed down into a pillow to muffle sound and pounded away.

I fought for a bit and then just went limp. I relaxed wanting it to end and end quickly. I just lay there motionless, lifeless.

He cam (in my ass) got up, went to the refrigerator took some food and ate. While I slowly rolled to one side of the couch to begin to get up. After he ate, he came back and after patting me on the back (I guess I'm a tropper ..or maybe that is what he does to his bitchs) laid on the couch and fell asleep.

I could tell you all the things that ran through my mind, but it would take way too much time. I was afraid for my step-mother and step-sister -- what if I pissed him off or what if he simply came back, found them, and decided to do the same thing?

After what seemed like hours of deliberating I telephone two bartender friends of mine from Delaware who were big gym guys to come and remove him. I will always be grateful to both of them for their speed and determination in getting to the condo and literally picking him up and throwing him out.

It was also interesting later in that night (they decided to stay with me incase he returned) seeing the straight guy raper on the boardwalk with a group of his friends. The looks were priceless when my one friend yelled "You tell them you raped my boys ass last night faggot?"

Anyway... it was an experience I survived with little anquish. No STDs came from it, the pain went away, and I was able to place the experience away in my mind. No big deal, I guess.

Fast forward to now... this month...

Once again I hang with 90% straight guys. Most of my friends are straight and there are always those few straight dudes who are a little 'freaky.' I know a couple like that. Every now and then they want to fool around and hey ... I'm down for it. Might as well get some action somewhere.

But what do you call it when a straight dude you fool around with decides he is going to fuck you when you pass out drunk one night?

....date rape? rape? to some queen somewhere, "omg gurl that's sooooo hot!?'

No is no. The ability to not say yes is no.

Most importantly, I understand how it feels to be a girl and to hear people say "she deserved it."

The enjoyment of casual friendships..

Today, while recovering from my night out with Mike, I couldn't help but smile and enjoy a moment of that warm fuzzy feeling.

You see, I've never been one to remain friends with someone that I've dated and not had it work out. I am not saying that is the best (or most mature) mentality to take, but usually if something doesn't work out there is often a 'bad' reason attached to it. So why make that a part of my life?

Mike is the first exception to that rule and the one that has made me re-evaluate my stance on X's as friends.

Even better is the enjoyment of a casual friendship. You call when something strikes you to call, you see each other when the urge arises, and there are really no expectations or obligations. If you don't talk for a week or a month - it's cool.

Yet, should you need to vent.. have a problem.. need some help -- you know they are there to have your back.

Nice, very nice.

;)

When I was young the fairy tales sounded so good..

Now that I am older I understand what fairy tales mean... those dreams that fill your head as you listen to the stories with happy endings.. they are just that, 'tales.'

There is no knight in shining armor, happy endings are a fleeting moment, and you cannot always be what it is you want to be. These are just stories...

It will always rain more than the sun shines...

...but isn't that why we learn to appreciate the sun?

I've learned to appreciate the sun even when it doesn't shine. I've also learned to appreciate the pain that life brings, because it makes every moment of happiness - no matter how fleeting - just that much more special.

I've learned to accept myself, my defects, and to love myself for who I am - regardless of what others may say about me.

In the end, the only thing we have is ourselves. There is nothing more important than what is in your heart - everything else will come and go -- but what is inside of you will last throughout eternity.

I've read through many of my posts here. At my excitement at meeting different people and my sorrow when those people did not turn out as expected. I am starting to learn to embrace the emptiness and loneliness of this journey. To understand each person brings with them a lesson, be it good or bad, and that those moments hold the prospect for happiness tomorrow.

My experiences with ThunderCat turned out to be one of those lessons. I thought I was a friend, I thought this person had an interest in me (they were the ones that portrayed it that way) ... and even when I learned they didn't -- I was happy with the friendship and therefore, I continued to give.

Now I know that I was convienence, I was an ATM Machine, I was anything but a friend.

One more person to vote off the Island, I guess. ;)

Am I hurt? No...

Angry? Not anymore...

Disappointed? I've let that go....

This journey is a mystery and I love that mystery. I love the challenges, the chaos, the laughter and the tears that it brings. I hold fast to the fact that God gives me these hurdles and each of them has a necessary place in my life. They are all blessings, even if the blessing is disquised.

So the next time my sun is clouded over and the rain begins to fall - I will outstretch my hands and tilt my head back to take the rain in. To feel it fall against my body and to taste it, because the sun will shine again.

All I want for Christmas...

Wow Thanksgiving is already over. Another year has almost come and gone -- crazy isn't it? I leave for Europe in just twelve days and when I get back it will only be seven days until Christmas. The year is just zipping by....

My Europe trip will be fun, I am sure, even if it isn't exactly what I had wanted it to be. There will be no romantic dinner in Italy, a shy smile, a note passed, and the sharing of thoughts and feelings for a possible future. It's okay, however, I will enjoy myself either way and the company I am taking will prove to be enjoyable - I've no doubt.

Sometimes after the drama of things calm down and I'm level headed again -- I sit back and smile. I don't break under pressure and disappointment. That strength, that I often don't think I have, yet always surfaces when I need it the most is what keeps me going.

So I was thinking ... what do I want for Christmas. I have beautiful friends, a family that while a bit out there is tolerable and means well .... I'll cook a ton of food, put up a big tree and decorate it with my mother and best friend Becca.

The only thing I'd like to see is someone beneath the tree waiting on me. I don't even mean that in the terms of a boyfriend. I mean it in a more intimate and cozy way -- someone happy to see me, that I can lay against and just enjoy the moment... to open a present with... to laugh. I'd love to see Cjames under my tree -- that would be the most beautiful present.

I am planning to make a surprise trip out to SLC to see him soon. If anyone has captured my heart in a manner that is everlasting - it is him. Such a special, special, extra special, special guy. ;)

Oh well .. it'll all come together. I am somewhat content at the moment. The site is coming alone (one of them) and it won't be long before we're pressing forward and launching...

Woohoo...

I'll keep ya alls posted

Jason

Life Should Taste As Good As Jason..

And I can say that. I've tasted myself. Not quite as addictive as say a hostess hoho, devildog, or twinkie.. but still not too bad, either.

Not that I would dare to eat any of those things right now. I am starting to see results from being back in the gym again -- woohoo! -- and the last thing I wanna do is fuck that up. I need to get something more out of my $25.00 a month than just the enjoyment of the lockerroom.

The adult sites are moving quickly along. We should be done and online soon. I am still torn with it, but I have no choice but to push forward and do it now. Too much time and money invested at this point to back out. Moreso, too much pressure from the 'awaiting' public - which really boils down to .... too many people that know me, know I am doing this. I won't accept failure.

I'm just a modern day Robin Hood. Everything to a good end.

I am hoping that this manifests itself into what I need so that I can get outta here. I want away from Maryland. Hell, I really want away from the states as a whole. I'd like to spend some time living in Europe. A few countries are on my possible list, London being one of the dominate ones. I think London would suit my personality and my desire for things to be 'happening' all the time around me (ie: chaos) -- while providing places for peaceful times also.

Plus I wanna cash in on this lucrative pound/sterling ......

It's only two weeks (and a day or so) before ThunderCat and I goto Europe. Ahh.... I won't want to leave again, I already know that. Christmas shopping in Prague will be beautiful and another short hop over to Rome for an incredible caffe frida (sp) and a romantic stroll through beautiful piazzas and to touch things that have stood since Christ himself. Such an amazing city, full of life and passion.

But for now... here I sit in an office working away... everything is temporary and most everything is possible. Just how far are you willing to go to achieve those dreams is the question.. how much are you willing to sacrifice... how bad do you want it?

I want it more than Martha Stewart wants to conquer the world -- and that's a lot.

I know you've been waiting..

but haven't we all been..? Waiting for something special, something different, something that makes our body vibrate to it's core -- something that makes us alive? I know you've been waiting and so have I.


A little excitement -- oh when it rains it pours. Something new, something old. Desire turned to lust, lust into depth... depth into emptiness and then the cycle begins again.

Give me the chaos.. I want to move in it, I want to feel it inside of me.
Make me scream.. time has stopped.



What am I? What was that? I cannot hear you --- it doesn't matter now. I'm out of control... I'm going all the way... I love this, give it to me.. don't be selfish with it.. you know I'll get what I want when all is said and done. I always do.

Shhhh.. don't speak. I can get your name tomorrow. I'll leave my number for you. Don't ruin the moment.

Watch out.. cause here I come.