"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Thursday, March 23, 2006

How would you like me to compensate you...?

I have felt so detached from everything lately! I had my cell phone stolen from work a week (?) ago [of course not as bad as having your car stolen..] and been without my cable modem service for about as long.

While not having my cell phone has created a peaceful silence ... the lack of contact with friends has not been as pleasant.

Things at work have gone from horribly stressful to being a bit more tolerable. I've been able to hire on some of the old management staff and am in the process (as of this Friday) of removing over 20 of my employees who are nothing more than a poison to my goals.

Inch by inch the park is coming together, straightening up, and taking on a more attractive look. Games are 80% operational (a huge improvement) and complaints are way down... while sales begin to rise again.

Part of me wants to sit back and feel proud of the minor accomplishment and the approval from corporate... but I am afraid that one moment of feeling proud will result in a sudden downfall of what little accomplishments I've been able to create thus far.

I seem to live and sleep work now - something very new to me. Not that I am lazy or am not interested in working, but going from almost two years of not having to work and then suddenly having to bust my ass seven days a week for sixteen + hour days... it can fuck with you.

My house is a wreck, I look older - worn, I haven't done laundry in weeks....

I think about where I was and what I was working on. The websites, the expectations, the people who knew I had something coming - who now will not see anything arrive. I toss around the ideas of putting the sites online that I had begun work on, but then I can't say my heart is with them anymore.

I'm not sure where my heart is at anymore. As grounded as I feel right now -- I feel just a little lost. A little overwhelmed and unsure.

I've lost interest in meeting people. No desire for someone in my life at the moment other than friends and family. Luckily my roommate provides me with a nice amount of platonic physical affection - it counters any feeling of lonliness I may have, when I have the time to feel lonely.

It's 5:00am ... I've been online researching and emailing about things for work. I need to sleep, so I can get up in 4 hours ... get a haircut, run to the bank, and back into work to complete paperwork that I've neglected for the week. I am not a paper pusher -- I am more creative based.

Damn the paperwork.

What I wouldn't give right now for a warm sun, a nice breeze, and a palm tree...

However, I'll settle for seeing people walk through my doors... their eyes wide and excited with parents in tow. It's amazing how life flows... it may seem that you are thrown about without any true direction or control...

but I've realized that it is not about control or even direction .. guidance is silent and surprising.

I've always wanted to touch the lives of people ... to leave a lasting mark. Now I do it daily with children and their parents. It was never how I saw that want, but it's being fulfilled all the same.

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