Now I'm standing here...

In five days it will be three years since my boyfriend died in the car accident. While my life has progressed with few moments of hesitation since I came to terms with the accident -- current situations renew it, daily, in my life.

It's a strange feeling, but like everything I feel, it ebs and flows. Sometimes being upsetting and other times being nothing more than a passing thought.

I can't say that I believe in coincidence. I think our lives bring to us, for whatever the reason, crossroads that determine our next available paths - for better or worse. The final destination ultimately known (by God) but our free will at work.. shaping our destiny.

Wow... kinda reminds me of the old HabitTrails and hamsters... those were the simple days. When having a hamster to tourment was fun and being the first in your neighborhood to own MJ's Thriller on a 45 was the best thing to happen in your life.

I wonder where the lesson was for me. If I'll ever know it, learn from it, or if I already have. I guess I will never know. Or may be it is already a part of the secrets I keep burried inside of me... the secrets that I am waiting to tell, when I find someone to share them with. Someone to trust and believe in.

I am still, as always, drained. So exhausted. Mental, emotional, and physical. This job is sucking the life right out of me. Poetic justice, perhaps. It is a shame that only now I understand my boyfriend a bit better. Yet, he was still a shady bastard. Just a shady bastard I have a better understanding for at the moment.

The amazing power of love...

I have that itch... not to be confused with that itch that comes from a good trick at 3:00am in a stairwell by an abandoned building... but that itch to get away. To travel. To be somewhere other than here or there. Of course, now I am playing the part of responsible adult .. grrrr! damn the adult-ness.

Oh well, I am content. Maybe not satisfied, but that's not part of my personality anyway. I am always looking for something more exciting than the last adventure. Something to thrill me.

It just never does.