When everything falls apart...

Today I learned of additional bad news, just something more to pull my world apart. I am at the end of my rope, I am worn, beat, defeated. I feel like I am being strangled.

I have been neurotic over the loss of my boyfriend. In some ways, losing him has had a more profound effect on me than my past boyfriend. For some reason, his walking out on me and turning his back had caused more pain than my boyfriends death in the car accident.

I guess because I finally loved someone, who really loved me back. I had a sense of complete satisfaction and happiness; I've never had that before.

Now there is something else. A new adversary, inside my body, that is causing me pain. I am scared, lonely and my emotions are upside down.

I have been fighting for my boyfriend back. I've done things that I never would have thought to do before. I have been like a stalker, trying at every turn to be involved and to stall what I saw as a threat to my chances with him. I have seen everyone as a threat to us, since he went away and now I can longer fight.

I want him to hold me. I want to cry. I need to let out all the fears I've been holding. I let it go for so long, what's inside of me, that now I am even more afraid. I guess I didn't want to believe.

I look horrible, busted and weathered. My eyes are dark. I haven't slept in the past 21 days more than a few hours a night. I need rest right now, it is a must, if I want to keep things as good as I can.

I also need to stop smoking, but I cannot foresee that happening right now. I have nothing to counter the stress. Not my boyfriend, nothing. My friends I love, but it is not the same. It is not enough right now.

I need to be held.

My mind is racing with all the worse case scenarios. Something else that is not like me; I am the optimistic one. Not today, not now. I wonder if something bad happens who will take care of the people I need to take care of? What will they do?

I feel sick inside. I can't fight anymore.

I just want to be held and made to feel secure.

It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you (part two)

Sitting at home, alone, tonight and bored I began reading through my previous blogs. Starting with 'Happiness Unexpected' which told a cryptic story of how I met my 'boyfriend.' I'll call him my boyfriend, to make it easier (on me..?). Plus, not only do I have no intentions or desires for anyone else, but in my heart he's still my D-Fix.

Reading through those blogs, I had nothing but happy memories hit me. There was so much laughter when we were together, so much fun. It was so adorable the way his eyes would light up, his devilish smile and his way of saying "Nooooooo" -- everything about him was perfect in my eyes, he was free of defects, even though we are all defective in our own ways. It is that which makes us beautiful and allows us to grow. Perfection leaves no room for movement, but all the same, in my eyes he was and is perfect.

I read over those things and the nice things he had said about me, when he blogged as well, and I can't help but wonder if he is doing the same? Is he reading the things he wrote, thinking of the fun we had together and thinking about all the things we said? Does he ever think about me and miss me..? I can't help but wonder.

Even when I expect the opposite, my friends are supportive. Most people tell you to get over someone but I don't hear 'get over him.' I hear 'you two always looked so happy' or I hear 'I've never seen anyone make you as happy as he did.' My friends know me. While it may sound like the 'wrong advice' my friends liked us together -- they liked him for how happy he made me. They tell me to not give up, to give a little space and be a little patient. They are also kind enough to remind me to love myself...

I wonder if what he did was a form of self-defense. Maybe he was afraid of losing me or thought the way I felt was changing? Perhaps he decided to get out before I didn't want him anymore. I know I changed a bit, it wasn't him, it was just all the stress I was dealing with. I felt bad that I couldn't do for him all he did for me. I was afraid about what was happening to my mother and I was mad that my job consumed time that I could be with him. There has never been a moment when I wanted anything more than him.

I know he's been hurt before and I know he's not quick to give himself to anyone. So maybe, just like me, he was a little scared too. Maybe the same fear of losing him, that caused me to become irrational over something he did, because of past experiences ... was the same fear that caused him to break away.

It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I'd trust him with my life. I know he's a good person and I know his words mean something - even when he chooses not to show it. I was just afraid and being a little intoxicated never helps anything.

Sometimes I want to just write about the entire situation, but I don't. I respect his privacy and while the chance of someone reading this knowing him may be slim, i'd still feel wrong. This is like an awful nightmare. A horrible misunderstanding, a gross breakdown in communication. Not at all a reason to throw away the time we spent and the closeness we had.

Yet I do want to write about it. I want to write and hear someone say "hang in there!" I want to hear "if he really loves you, he'll be back," because I don't doubt for one moment that his feelings for me are the way he said. If they weren't, we wouldn't talk at all. I am pretty sure of it and while our conversations are not always the best right now -- we do still have them.

I think the most painful thing, next to not having him here with me, is how he avoids any attempts to see me. It's like hanging with me or seeing me would do something bad... or bad in his mind. That hurts, he wasn't just a boyfriend to me, he was my friend. I respect his thoughts, opinions and the comfort he gave me when things weren't too well.

And right now, I could use that comfort as I get ready to face somethings I am not too comfortable about.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now. I'll post as I'm moved, keeping an update of what happens and for better or worse -- I'll wait.

I'll wait for him and give him time to sort through whatever it is that has caused this. I believe that sometimes you have to experience the pain to reap the reward in the end. If we do make it through this, we'll be stronger for it.

If we don't... I don't know what to say. Everything about us being together was so amazing and such a rare chance -- it made it so special, so different. I don't want to think about what if we don't right now. I'll keep focused on maybe soon he'll put whatever has happened behind us and we'll try again...

At least if we fail then, the pain of an unknown is gone, because we held true to what was said to one another and gave ourselves the chance to see the possible rewards.

Do you know?

How deep is the ocean, how high is the sky?

[written 1:36am, 10-17-06]


How much do I love you..

The greatest act of love is freedom. The ability to give to someone you love the freedom to be away from you. The freedom to think and be without the pressue of your existance, even when it destroys you inside.

Today, through many tears, and tonight while holding them back I did just that. I gave to the person that my heart cries for the complete freedom of being away from me. I could no longer find any other way to show them the totality and true unconditional nature of what I feel for them, but to let them go.

We've all heard the cliche' that if you love something let it go and if it returns to you it was true. I never believed I would be someone to do just that.

Our conversations always went so well and our time together was rarely filled with any tension - but for the last week it had become argument upon argument. While I attempted to pull him back and he pushed away further. Had that routine continued, I know any shred of what we had would have been lost in the mix.

In some ways, I feel better despite the emptiness I can feel welling up inside. I know I will still wake up and reach for him, not finding him there. I know that I'll get lonely or have news I want to share, but I will avoid calling.

Maybe, just maybe, one day soon my phone will ring or there will be a knock on my door and it'll be his voice I hear and his face I see...

and maybe, just maybe, should that happen.... we'll lay on my bed talking, laughing, playing like we use to and I will hold him again and not let go.

Maybe... just maybe.

We're so quick to look away, because it's the easy thing to do...

I spent over an hour writing this blog and lost it due to a 'lost connection' by my Internet service. Disgusted and upset that I won't be able to re-write it with the same words, thoughts and feelings.... I'm giving up. :(

When seasons change...

It has been awhile since I've taken the time to really write. I guess it's a combination of things, but most of it was due to being preoccupied. Gladly preoccupied. It seems that preoccupation is slowly fading and I return here to find a peace of mind in rambling.

I have been taught many lessons throughout my life and I am thankful for what they've taught me. I've learned to find happiness in the midst of pain, to love without condition, to fight for my convictions and to never compromise my integrity. There are some things that I am sorry I never learned. The lessons that I skipped past and avoided... because I didn't want to know about how seasons change. I didn't want to learn to say good bye to the people, places and things that I loved or cherished.

Because behind the lying smile, the happy eyes and the sweet words.. behind everything that I am is a truth people don't see. They don't know the emptiness in my heart, the walls I've built to protect myself, my general dislike for people, and how few people I have loved or cared for.

Few, very few.

So when I love someone, when I open my heart and take them in -- when I believe in the words and affection that people weave into a complicated web... I don't want to say good bye; I don't want the seasons to change.

Even after summer has become winter and I find myself standing alone.

I don't want to believe that the conversations I cherished so much were words and nothing more. I don't want to believe the convictions and the feelings were simply words; a script that changed day by day.

Yet time and time again, that is where I am left. Holding onto words, feelings and memories. Pretending I don't see winter coming, pretending I can change what I can't. I never wanted to learn about good bye.

The one with the broken heart and broken pride. The one to feel empty, to feel unimportant, to be unloved.

There was a time when I was losing my faith in people and a time when my faith was renewed, but that changes too. I find my faith in people slipping away. Why must my lifestyle be one so short lived, short sighted... why are people so fast to run and hide? When they should be running to you.

I've made my mistakes, I've played the games and I've learned. I've grown. That was long ago... now everything I do comes from my heart. Every word an absolute truth and guarantee for as long as I can speak it. When I say "I love you" my whole body reacts, it's a truth to the core of me. When I say I care, nothing would take me from you. There is nothing I wouldn't do to see you smile, laugh, to see you happy.

When I love it is with all of me.
When I speak it is the deepest truth in me
When I trust you I sacrifice myself

One person, one heart... that's all I have ever wanted. Unlike so many gay people who run around in the dark, betraying the trust and love given to them, to entertain the pleasures of a simple trick. Perhaps this one will be better than the last, perhaps they'll do something or be something that my boyfriend is not... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

There is nothing admirable in that. Nothing good. We wonder why the opinion of gay people is so bad. When you live your life based upon your sex drive and not your heart, what else can you expect?

They have an arguement, they break up. They get bored, they cheat. They are hurt, they run to find comfort in another.

Instead of running back home, to the person who cares for them, to attempt to fix the holes -- to attempt to grow stronger and to know what it means to love without limits.

I never wanted to learn about good bye.

Cannot sleep...

Ah, the mind that doesn't stop and be silent.

It's 2:48am and I cannot sleep. The dog, however, who must think he's a person is sleeping peacefully in bed - under the convers with two paws on the outside. Just like a person... cute, but annoying when you can't sleep.

My mind is racing about many things. The largest portion of those thoughts I would never mention here, not the place for it. The remainder, however, work and family... those are open areas for the public arena.

I feel sorta sad inside, a little empty and a bit disappointed. Mixed with shock and the frustration of not being able to sleep. I want to sleep so bad; I am so exhausted.

il cuore causa il dolore.

I have a kid...

Okay, perhaps a little furry and big eared for a normal kid, but a kid nonetheless. I was gifted with an adorable, little puppy named Scrappy a few weeks ago. While I first thought his addition to my home was ill-timed, with the sudden loss of my job at Jeepers when the new owners took over, I have come to the conclusion his timing couldn't have been more perfect.

While he does require a lot of attention, affection and 'No! Not on the carpet!" His being here has added to a sense of calm... it's always nice to have something that needs you and is so loving. Not to mention,

Well, not to mention needs to wait... since I just got an annoying phone call.

Will post more later.

Remove the chains of bondage...

I've decided to free my ass via Ebay. You can check out the listing here:

[ I removed the link from this - in hindsight, what I thought was funny and meaningless was probably in bad taste .. and disrespectful to the person I care about and I am left regretting it ]

What every employer should know...

Upload videos at Bolt.

And the meek shall inherit the earth...

Then what shall the self-rigtheous inherit?

Can you hear me now...?

I wonder if the homeless man I gave a dollar to yesterday perhaps is using that dollar to sit at starbucks and check out the internet. In the event that he does, maybe he will stumble across my blog. In that event, likely or not, I'd like to say this to him:

I am expecting to be paid back at the rate of 18.9 percent interest per annum. Thank you.

---

I have a lot of things to say. I always have. God knows I am incredibly verbose. All the same, sometimes I wonder if I will ever have the chance to tell all the people I'd like -- all that I'd like.

I could post it here for them, but I think the chances are rather slim that they would have the chance to read it. I could possibly view it as therapy for myself, but then again that would point to much deeper issues. Those being ones I should address with myself rather than in a blog.

Blogs are nice. It's an easy journal to keep - but what is the point to placing all your personal life onto the web for anyone to read? Sometimes things are better kept inside -- or amoung close friends.

And I can easily understand, how you could easily take my man...

Well really, you can't.

So new update: the transition at work has begun and it will be a lot more shakey than first anticipated. I have to play the role of peacemaker between three separate individuals/companies in an attempt to secure myself, my position, without incident. So far, so good -- but I am weary as I know people tend to play dirty when they have agendas to meet.

I've been known to play dirty, also, but I like to not be that way. It's certainly in me -- just not who I choose to be. Unless thoroughly provoked. Would you like to try?

Things on the dating/boyfriend end are good. No problems there, things flow so smoothly. It is refreshing -- I guess the longer the wait, the sweeter the rewards.

All I do know is I am due for a vacation. A BIG, NICE, RELAXING vacation. I have some ideas for around Christmas. There is someplace I'd love to spend Christmas at this year -- so I am going to work on seeing that to fruition.

RaWr!

It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you.

I cannot recall any recent time that has been as enjoyable as this past week. Even the daily stress of family and work have been over shadowed by the fun, laughs and immediate comfort/closeness I've felt.

It feels like I finally found the missing piece to the puzzle that's me. RaWr!

I'm excited... filled with a lot of anticipation for what is ahead.

This is a very, very good thing. That says enough for now.

The room is non-refundable... barricade the door!

I am probably one of the most holiday oriented people that I know. I love holidays... moreso the ones that involve being close to people I care about. I like that cozy, intimate feeling it brings.

The fourth of July has never been one of those holidays for me. I don't find fireworks to be all that exciting - you see some color bursting in the air once, you've seen it. So I rarely do anything for the 4th.

However, this 4th has left some lasting memories for me. While moments might have been frightening (spiders... bates motel rooms...) the rest were nothing short of endearing, funny and just a sense of comfort/happiness.

It's a bit too late (early!) to go into detail, but I am going to have to... at least the one that tells the story of the picture above. It is too funny not to, but it's going to have to wait until I wake up. :)

Happiness Unexpected...

It's not that I am a negative person, I'm really not. I am just realistic and while I have been blessed with many things that I cannot complain about - one thing has always been elusive: true happiness.

I've come to understand the cycle of my life. It ebs and flows .. one moment peaking, then dropping low and then peaking higher than before. This has always been the way. So, while I do not enjoy it, I have come to expect that every moment of happiness will bring with it a disappointment. Only to be followed again, later, by a deeper level of happiness.

When I was younger, I did not care. So I approached every situation without the thought of any possible disappointments and when they did occur I quickly shrugged them off. I think it is that mentality and my somewhat twisted viewpoint on things (humor..?) that has kept me going so long.

As I got older, I believe I unconsciously built a wall around myself. While I could be fun, outgoing, crazy... you name it... that's as far as you got. If someone good came along, I cut it short. I ended the situation before the situation could disappoint me. It was a crude self defense mechanism at best, but it worked as long as I could avoid the feelings of being lonely.

And I did...

I traveled, I drank, I lost myself in meaningless endevours. Then when the ability to live my 'rock star' lifestyle (as some called it)ended -- I dived into work. Work, work, work. No time for anyone, no time to feel lonely, simply no time.

I came to believe that things I wanted, I wouldn't have. So I stayed content with what I had and what I knew I could easily obtain.

You know, I really hated when people would say "you'll find someone... when you stop looking." I do not like cliches. Plus I never thought I 'looked,' I mean yea maybe I browsed.. but look? NOooooooo. Or so I thought.

Happiness unexpected, what better type could there be? I wasn't looking, I was certainly not expecting... but I think it may have found me, or me it, in a strange - unexpected - way.

Now I can't wait to explore it more, because something inside me says... that there is a lot more happiness ahead, the more I get to know.

I'm really not bad, it just appears that way...

There are times that I question what I do, when I know that I probably shouldn't be doing what I've done...

Yet I prefer to stay true to myself and what I think or feel - even if it could be seen as questionable by others.

In the end, what do 'others' matter? Most certainly the 'others' who are not a part of your life really can't.

You never know what may be, what could be, or what can be gained unless you some times do what you some times shouldn't...

At least my heart and goals are in the right place.

RaWr!

If it smells like faggot, it probably is...

So what is it with people who want to stir up trouble or talk shit for no reason? I really have a hard time understanding that behavior in people. Is it because their own lives are void of anything that they feel starting controversy makes them more exciting?

Or perhaps it is simply jealousy. I would pick jealousy as the top answer.

I can see how that can work in some situations, but not when you do it to me. Nah... cause you say some he said/she said shit to me and my ass is gonna be right up on it to clear things up.

I like to know the truth and talking smack about me is a quick way to fire me up... silly fags.

Okay that's my vent --- since I was party to such a situation a few days ago. Needless to say, I did confront the horse's mouth only to find that the shit talker was - just that - full of shit. I should have expected as much. At least who I confronted took it decently... I feel kinda bad to have even brought it to their attention now.

This is just one of several reasons why I like very few 'gay' people... drama drama drama. Bitch this isn't a stage.

I've built a cage to hide my rage, but it's time to take it down.

Gene mutations associatied with hereditary neuralgic amyotrophy discovered

In a significant advance toward understanding a perplexing and painful neurological disorder, an international team of researchers has discovered gene mutations associated with an inherited chronic pain and weakness syndrome known as hereditary neuralgic amyotrophy (also called HNA). No treatment is known for this disabling condition, which short-circuits a peripheral nerve center called the brachial plexus, a network of over 100,000 nerves, that branches from the spinal cord to supply muscular function and sensation to the shoulders, arms, and hands. HNA may first appear in the childhood or teen years, and lead to recurring episodes of severe, sudden onset pain in the arms and shoulders as well as weakness, loss of sensation, and muscle wasting.

Episodes are often triggered by an infection, an immunization, childbirth, or overworking the arms and shoulders. Nerve inflammation and changes in the blood suggest that problems with the person's immune response are contributing to the episode. The on again/off again course of the condition, and the environmental triggers, are unusual among inherited nerve disorders. An associated aspect of the disorder in some individuals is facial features -- a long, slender face and narrow, close-set eyes slanting upward -- reminiscent of portraits by the early 20th-century Italian painter Modigliani, according to Phillip F. Chance, MD, professor of pediatrics and neurology at the University of Washington in Seattle, whose laboratory first located the gene for this disorder to chromosome 17 in 1996.

Twenty-seven medical scientists at universities in Germany, Belgium, the United States, Finland, and Spain conducted the research to find the specific gene responsible for HNA. The lead authors of the study, which appears in the Sept. 25 edition of Nature Genetics, include Dr. Gregor Kuhlenbaumer of the University of Munster, Dr. Vincent Timmerman of the University of Antwerp, and Dr. Mark C. Hannibal and Dr. Phillip Chance, both from the Division of Genetics and Developmental Medicine at the University of Washington.

By studying several multigenerational families who had several relatives with HNA, the researchers identified mutations in a gene named septin-9 ( known as SEPT9). Cells from a variety of life forms, ranging from yeast to fruit flies to humans, contain septins. Septins form protein filaments that provide the internal scaffolding of cells, and play key roles in the process by which cells divide. Out-of-control septins are implicated in certain abnormal cell divisions that lead to tumor formation, including breast cancer. Cells depleted of SEPT9 often fail to complete normal cell division.

HNA is the first genetic disease found to be caused by a mutation in a gene of the septin family. According to the authors of the SEPT9 gene mutations study, SEPT9 has particular structures that distinguish it from all other septins, but the significance and function of these structures is as yet unknown. Future research on the SEPT9 gene and its mutations may lead to a better understanding of the normal function of the gene and its protein products. Scientists also hope to learn how the mutated gene contributes to the development of specific facial features before birth and is later triggered to produce the nerve disorder, and why the disease goes through exacerbations and remissions. The research on the genetic mutations of SEPT9 was supported by grants from the Deutsche Forschungsgemeinschaft, the Neuropathy Association, the National Institutes of Health, the Veterans Affairs Research Fund, the University of Antwerp, the Fund for Scientific Research, the Interuniversity Attraction Poles program of the Belgian Federal Science Policy Office, and the Medical Foundation Queen Elizabeth

I'd like to get to know ya, so I can show ya...

Okay, now that I am awake (not sure exactly why... I only went to bed four hours ago! Fucking sleeping issues...) I figure I'd take a moment and write a lil something-something. It has been a minute since I wrote anything of interest.

Okay so interest may be a matter of perception, but still...

Nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately and while my ordinary may be rather out there to a lot of people.. it's still monotanous for my ass. I semi-recently started going out again, after having been completely focused on work for a few months. I decided to ease up on that to save on the stress it was causing.

Lots and lots of stress it was causing. However, now that I no longer have a corporate office... the company president has moved back to Texas... we've been taken to court for eviction... and a potential buyer from NYC may be taking us over... I guess positive things may be on the horizon or careerbuilders.com... grrr

My GrandMother recently passed away, but at 98 years old and living in a nursing home with no quality of life -- it was probably a blessing for her. It seems she died in her sleep, so knowing she didn't suffer is comforting.

Friends are the same, guys are the same... nothing exciting to report there. Although I have been informed that I'm a 'club whore.' I won't argue that -- I know (and sometimes I do not know) how I can be when a little intoxicated -- which is usually how you will find me if I am in a gay club. Sober + gay club never works for me .. they irritate me when I am sober.

The club is a far as it goes, though. I might do a little show & tell, or a quick thirty second public display of whoreness... but that's it. Sleeping around hasn't been my thing for a long time - plus it's easier to just go home alone and jack off. At least I don't have to worry about anyone else or make waffles.

Not to say that it wouldn't be nice to have someone to go home with and lay next to while watching some Toon Disney... but I can be patient.

RaWr!