When seasons change...

It has been awhile since I've taken the time to really write. I guess it's a combination of things, but most of it was due to being preoccupied. Gladly preoccupied. It seems that preoccupation is slowly fading and I return here to find a peace of mind in rambling.

I have been taught many lessons throughout my life and I am thankful for what they've taught me. I've learned to find happiness in the midst of pain, to love without condition, to fight for my convictions and to never compromise my integrity. There are some things that I am sorry I never learned. The lessons that I skipped past and avoided... because I didn't want to know about how seasons change. I didn't want to learn to say good bye to the people, places and things that I loved or cherished.

Because behind the lying smile, the happy eyes and the sweet words.. behind everything that I am is a truth people don't see. They don't know the emptiness in my heart, the walls I've built to protect myself, my general dislike for people, and how few people I have loved or cared for.

Few, very few.

So when I love someone, when I open my heart and take them in -- when I believe in the words and affection that people weave into a complicated web... I don't want to say good bye; I don't want the seasons to change.

Even after summer has become winter and I find myself standing alone.

I don't want to believe that the conversations I cherished so much were words and nothing more. I don't want to believe the convictions and the feelings were simply words; a script that changed day by day.

Yet time and time again, that is where I am left. Holding onto words, feelings and memories. Pretending I don't see winter coming, pretending I can change what I can't. I never wanted to learn about good bye.

The one with the broken heart and broken pride. The one to feel empty, to feel unimportant, to be unloved.

There was a time when I was losing my faith in people and a time when my faith was renewed, but that changes too. I find my faith in people slipping away. Why must my lifestyle be one so short lived, short sighted... why are people so fast to run and hide? When they should be running to you.

I've made my mistakes, I've played the games and I've learned. I've grown. That was long ago... now everything I do comes from my heart. Every word an absolute truth and guarantee for as long as I can speak it. When I say "I love you" my whole body reacts, it's a truth to the core of me. When I say I care, nothing would take me from you. There is nothing I wouldn't do to see you smile, laugh, to see you happy.

When I love it is with all of me.
When I speak it is the deepest truth in me
When I trust you I sacrifice myself

One person, one heart... that's all I have ever wanted. Unlike so many gay people who run around in the dark, betraying the trust and love given to them, to entertain the pleasures of a simple trick. Perhaps this one will be better than the last, perhaps they'll do something or be something that my boyfriend is not... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

There is nothing admirable in that. Nothing good. We wonder why the opinion of gay people is so bad. When you live your life based upon your sex drive and not your heart, what else can you expect?

They have an arguement, they break up. They get bored, they cheat. They are hurt, they run to find comfort in another.

Instead of running back home, to the person who cares for them, to attempt to fix the holes -- to attempt to grow stronger and to know what it means to love without limits.

I never wanted to learn about good bye.