The most simple form of truth..

"When you love someone, when you care, you don't run to others to discuss the problems you are having. You don't run to others for an escape. You first go to the person you love, the person you're building something with and you talk to them. Not in hints, not in attitudes, but in complete honesty. You don't find someone else for comfort and then just walk away."

Too Much Time

I never knew all the free time I had to be bored, until being single. My life was busy before and then nice and occupied with him... but now I am just bored.

I don't have the motivation to go out or go anywhere. I simply work, goto the gym to run and then come home. There I sit. Maybe a run to the gas station or a quick trip to see Becca, but when all is said and done.. I'm bored.

The biggest loss in a relationship is the sense of companionship. Someone to call who knows you on a little deeper a level than your friends, someone to see and do things with on that daily basis and someone to cuddle next to at night. Those are what I am missing.

Stay Tuned...

I have decided to stop writing about the present situation between my (x) and I. I am not sure what will become of us, if anything or not, but for now I will remain silent. As hard as silence is for me.

I sincerely appreciate the kind comments that have been left throughout these posts. It has helped.

Stay tuned, because I am sure that at some point I will have news to share. Good or bad. Although I am hoping for the better of the two.

Thanks again.

Silence isn't always golden

I have a good twenty post that I have written about my current situation, but I keep them saved as drafts. It's funny, how even when someone no longer is interested in you it can be difficult for you to do anything that might make them unhappy.

So they sit as drafts, for now.

It's been seventeen days, but why am I counting? I know there is no magic number and why do I feel so helpless?

I've had my share of short-lived relationships and I've walked away from them without any hesitation. I like them go, no big deal. So why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I so reluctant to let it go.

Funny story, the guy I was dating was dating the guy I dated before I met him... before he met me. Well that's not what makes it so funny, but it was interesting. I walked away from that without any issue.

I try to justify and understand not only myself, but him. We had this discussion once before regarding his ex-boyfriend. Everyone wants and needs closure, they need to understand when someone who they think loves them suddenly stops.

Maybe it was how we met, that makes me not want to let go. How I wanted him for so long and chance happened to allow me the opportunity and the opportunity became a relationship.

Perhaps it was how different he was from everyone else, his protective nature, how we laughed and saw humor in things that others probably wouldn't.

Or maybe it was just because he made me feel complete, cared for, loved. Not for anything other than who I am.

He doesn't understand that I still, or why I still, hurt. He doesn't seem to get the fact that I worry about him and wonder about him. He's on my mind all the time in one way or another.

If I had done something wrong, I wish he'd have simply told me. Anything would be more than nothing. Telling someone it isn't them and that you just don't want a relationship -- after telling them that is all you wanted is nothing short of a mindfuck.

As hurt as I am and as much as he does things that I know he is aware hurts me even more I cannot find it inside myself to be angry.

He acts like he hates me and I don't even know what I did. It was sudden, unexpected and nothing was pointing to anything being wrong. Nothing that would send out a red flag.

One minute he loves me, the next he is gone. So there's my confusion, stress and the reason why I don't sleep at night.

He started staying at my house so he could hold me and help me sleep. It was a sweet gesture and it turned into four months of feeling complete. Now my bed is empty and in such a sudden way... that I lay awake at night simply wondering... alone. I reach for him sometimes in the morning still, but nothing is there.

Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I should learn to just say 'fuck it" and move on, but what does that say? People can think I am stupid, they can think I am needy. I really don't care.

I know who and what I am. I know that I was genuinely happy for the first time in ten years by this one person.

And I know he's turned away.

Physical damage will heal. Scars will lessen, pain will go away. Damage to the heart, even when you've overcome it, lasts for ever.

But, I'm not angry. Love is a constant, when it's real, even when the relationship is long gone.

What's in my head...

I didn't write this, but I'm going to post it here until I can find the video. It's amazingly close to the thoughts going through my head right now.

It will be

Whatever it is you're looking for

It will be

Whatever it is you need

It will be better

Even though I know you're not sure

Remember the rain even comes down

In Shangri-La

Look up as it soaks into your skin

And remember who you are and...

Come on home

When the road that you've

Been walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought was

Greener isn't there

You can come on home

If you find the sun don't shine

Through every window

If you find a moonlit night

Still makes you blue

If you find out why you

Feel the way you do

Glance over your shoulder boy

You know I'll be there

I've found in the past you know,

Sometimes life isn't fair so..

Come on home

When the road that you've been

Walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought

Was greener isn't there

You can come on home...

When life isn't fair

Don't go there

You can come on home...

Now I understand...

Somewhere along the way I must have given the wrong impression. At some point he must have doubted how much I cared. His comments always point at little things like that; I didn't show him enough affection.

I think that doubt and lack of affection he needed made him turn off and that resulted in his going away.

If he only knew...

I just want to tackle him and hold him. Of course, he's kinda bigger than me so I might not win on that one, but all the same... I want to hold him. Everything inside tells me it's what we need... a few moments of quiet affection, a reminder.

He says he can't change what his mind and body feels, yet it seems almost like a struggle. One moment I see the same look in his eyes that he had when he was all about me and the next I see it turn cold and distant.

I don't believe, deep inside, that he is happy we're over and I know that he is aware I am not either.

I just wish he'd try, if not for our sake than for mine. I wouldn't even ask it or expect it if I didn't know that the love for me is there. It's been 15 days and it feels like 15 years.

Nothing should ever obligate you to a relationship, but time invested and love should obligate you to try.

When everything falls apart...

Today I learned of additional bad news, just something more to pull my world apart. I am at the end of my rope, I am worn, beat, defeated. I feel like I am being strangled.

I have been neurotic over the loss of my boyfriend. In some ways, losing him has had a more profound effect on me than my past boyfriend. For some reason, his walking out on me and turning his back had caused more pain than my boyfriends death in the car accident.

I guess because I finally loved someone, who really loved me back. I had a sense of complete satisfaction and happiness; I've never had that before.

Now there is something else. A new adversary, inside my body, that is causing me pain. I am scared, lonely and my emotions are upside down.

I have been fighting for my boyfriend back. I've done things that I never would have thought to do before. I have been like a stalker, trying at every turn to be involved and to stall what I saw as a threat to my chances with him. I have seen everyone as a threat to us, since he went away and now I can longer fight.

I want him to hold me. I want to cry. I need to let out all the fears I've been holding. I let it go for so long, what's inside of me, that now I am even more afraid. I guess I didn't want to believe.

I look horrible, busted and weathered. My eyes are dark. I haven't slept in the past 21 days more than a few hours a night. I need rest right now, it is a must, if I want to keep things as good as I can.

I also need to stop smoking, but I cannot foresee that happening right now. I have nothing to counter the stress. Not my boyfriend, nothing. My friends I love, but it is not the same. It is not enough right now.

I need to be held.

My mind is racing with all the worse case scenarios. Something else that is not like me; I am the optimistic one. Not today, not now. I wonder if something bad happens who will take care of the people I need to take care of? What will they do?

I feel sick inside. I can't fight anymore.

I just want to be held and made to feel secure.

It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you (part two)

Sitting at home, alone, tonight and bored I began reading through my previous blogs. Starting with 'Happiness Unexpected' which told a cryptic story of how I met my 'boyfriend.' I'll call him my boyfriend, to make it easier (on me..?). Plus, not only do I have no intentions or desires for anyone else, but in my heart he's still my D-Fix.

Reading through those blogs, I had nothing but happy memories hit me. There was so much laughter when we were together, so much fun. It was so adorable the way his eyes would light up, his devilish smile and his way of saying "Nooooooo" -- everything about him was perfect in my eyes, he was free of defects, even though we are all defective in our own ways. It is that which makes us beautiful and allows us to grow. Perfection leaves no room for movement, but all the same, in my eyes he was and is perfect.

I read over those things and the nice things he had said about me, when he blogged as well, and I can't help but wonder if he is doing the same? Is he reading the things he wrote, thinking of the fun we had together and thinking about all the things we said? Does he ever think about me and miss me..? I can't help but wonder.

Even when I expect the opposite, my friends are supportive. Most people tell you to get over someone but I don't hear 'get over him.' I hear 'you two always looked so happy' or I hear 'I've never seen anyone make you as happy as he did.' My friends know me. While it may sound like the 'wrong advice' my friends liked us together -- they liked him for how happy he made me. They tell me to not give up, to give a little space and be a little patient. They are also kind enough to remind me to love myself...

I wonder if what he did was a form of self-defense. Maybe he was afraid of losing me or thought the way I felt was changing? Perhaps he decided to get out before I didn't want him anymore. I know I changed a bit, it wasn't him, it was just all the stress I was dealing with. I felt bad that I couldn't do for him all he did for me. I was afraid about what was happening to my mother and I was mad that my job consumed time that I could be with him. There has never been a moment when I wanted anything more than him.

I know he's been hurt before and I know he's not quick to give himself to anyone. So maybe, just like me, he was a little scared too. Maybe the same fear of losing him, that caused me to become irrational over something he did, because of past experiences ... was the same fear that caused him to break away.

It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I'd trust him with my life. I know he's a good person and I know his words mean something - even when he chooses not to show it. I was just afraid and being a little intoxicated never helps anything.

Sometimes I want to just write about the entire situation, but I don't. I respect his privacy and while the chance of someone reading this knowing him may be slim, i'd still feel wrong. This is like an awful nightmare. A horrible misunderstanding, a gross breakdown in communication. Not at all a reason to throw away the time we spent and the closeness we had.

Yet I do want to write about it. I want to write and hear someone say "hang in there!" I want to hear "if he really loves you, he'll be back," because I don't doubt for one moment that his feelings for me are the way he said. If they weren't, we wouldn't talk at all. I am pretty sure of it and while our conversations are not always the best right now -- we do still have them.

I think the most painful thing, next to not having him here with me, is how he avoids any attempts to see me. It's like hanging with me or seeing me would do something bad... or bad in his mind. That hurts, he wasn't just a boyfriend to me, he was my friend. I respect his thoughts, opinions and the comfort he gave me when things weren't too well.

And right now, I could use that comfort as I get ready to face somethings I am not too comfortable about.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now. I'll post as I'm moved, keeping an update of what happens and for better or worse -- I'll wait.

I'll wait for him and give him time to sort through whatever it is that has caused this. I believe that sometimes you have to experience the pain to reap the reward in the end. If we do make it through this, we'll be stronger for it.

If we don't... I don't know what to say. Everything about us being together was so amazing and such a rare chance -- it made it so special, so different. I don't want to think about what if we don't right now. I'll keep focused on maybe soon he'll put whatever has happened behind us and we'll try again...

At least if we fail then, the pain of an unknown is gone, because we held true to what was said to one another and gave ourselves the chance to see the possible rewards.

Do you know?

How deep is the ocean, how high is the sky?

[written 1:36am, 10-17-06]


How much do I love you..

The greatest act of love is freedom. The ability to give to someone you love the freedom to be away from you. The freedom to think and be without the pressue of your existance, even when it destroys you inside.

Today, through many tears, and tonight while holding them back I did just that. I gave to the person that my heart cries for the complete freedom of being away from me. I could no longer find any other way to show them the totality and true unconditional nature of what I feel for them, but to let them go.

We've all heard the cliche' that if you love something let it go and if it returns to you it was true. I never believed I would be someone to do just that.

Our conversations always went so well and our time together was rarely filled with any tension - but for the last week it had become argument upon argument. While I attempted to pull him back and he pushed away further. Had that routine continued, I know any shred of what we had would have been lost in the mix.

In some ways, I feel better despite the emptiness I can feel welling up inside. I know I will still wake up and reach for him, not finding him there. I know that I'll get lonely or have news I want to share, but I will avoid calling.

Maybe, just maybe, one day soon my phone will ring or there will be a knock on my door and it'll be his voice I hear and his face I see...

and maybe, just maybe, should that happen.... we'll lay on my bed talking, laughing, playing like we use to and I will hold him again and not let go.

Maybe... just maybe.

We're so quick to look away, because it's the easy thing to do...

I spent over an hour writing this blog and lost it due to a 'lost connection' by my Internet service. Disgusted and upset that I won't be able to re-write it with the same words, thoughts and feelings.... I'm giving up. :(

When seasons change...

It has been awhile since I've taken the time to really write. I guess it's a combination of things, but most of it was due to being preoccupied. Gladly preoccupied. It seems that preoccupation is slowly fading and I return here to find a peace of mind in rambling.

I have been taught many lessons throughout my life and I am thankful for what they've taught me. I've learned to find happiness in the midst of pain, to love without condition, to fight for my convictions and to never compromise my integrity. There are some things that I am sorry I never learned. The lessons that I skipped past and avoided... because I didn't want to know about how seasons change. I didn't want to learn to say good bye to the people, places and things that I loved or cherished.

Because behind the lying smile, the happy eyes and the sweet words.. behind everything that I am is a truth people don't see. They don't know the emptiness in my heart, the walls I've built to protect myself, my general dislike for people, and how few people I have loved or cared for.

Few, very few.

So when I love someone, when I open my heart and take them in -- when I believe in the words and affection that people weave into a complicated web... I don't want to say good bye; I don't want the seasons to change.

Even after summer has become winter and I find myself standing alone.

I don't want to believe that the conversations I cherished so much were words and nothing more. I don't want to believe the convictions and the feelings were simply words; a script that changed day by day.

Yet time and time again, that is where I am left. Holding onto words, feelings and memories. Pretending I don't see winter coming, pretending I can change what I can't. I never wanted to learn about good bye.

The one with the broken heart and broken pride. The one to feel empty, to feel unimportant, to be unloved.

There was a time when I was losing my faith in people and a time when my faith was renewed, but that changes too. I find my faith in people slipping away. Why must my lifestyle be one so short lived, short sighted... why are people so fast to run and hide? When they should be running to you.

I've made my mistakes, I've played the games and I've learned. I've grown. That was long ago... now everything I do comes from my heart. Every word an absolute truth and guarantee for as long as I can speak it. When I say "I love you" my whole body reacts, it's a truth to the core of me. When I say I care, nothing would take me from you. There is nothing I wouldn't do to see you smile, laugh, to see you happy.

When I love it is with all of me.
When I speak it is the deepest truth in me
When I trust you I sacrifice myself

One person, one heart... that's all I have ever wanted. Unlike so many gay people who run around in the dark, betraying the trust and love given to them, to entertain the pleasures of a simple trick. Perhaps this one will be better than the last, perhaps they'll do something or be something that my boyfriend is not... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

There is nothing admirable in that. Nothing good. We wonder why the opinion of gay people is so bad. When you live your life based upon your sex drive and not your heart, what else can you expect?

They have an arguement, they break up. They get bored, they cheat. They are hurt, they run to find comfort in another.

Instead of running back home, to the person who cares for them, to attempt to fix the holes -- to attempt to grow stronger and to know what it means to love without limits.

I never wanted to learn about good bye.

Cannot sleep...

Ah, the mind that doesn't stop and be silent.

It's 2:48am and I cannot sleep. The dog, however, who must think he's a person is sleeping peacefully in bed - under the convers with two paws on the outside. Just like a person... cute, but annoying when you can't sleep.

My mind is racing about many things. The largest portion of those thoughts I would never mention here, not the place for it. The remainder, however, work and family... those are open areas for the public arena.

I feel sorta sad inside, a little empty and a bit disappointed. Mixed with shock and the frustration of not being able to sleep. I want to sleep so bad; I am so exhausted.

il cuore causa il dolore.