Vintage

What's new and exciting in my life? Not a whole hell of a lot.

It had gotten hectic for a bit, which is why I stopped blogging as much. Plus, I had run out of the energy to type about the events that were taking place. I had to live them once; typing about them was just too much.

It still fascinates me to think that people tune-in to read about my life or my strange thoughts. This has got to be one of the higher forms of flattery.

Even I'll take a moment sometimes to re-read posts I had made before. Trying to identify my more neurotic ways so that I can correct and avoid them in the future. Seems relationships are my kryptonite.

I was doing good with that. I had focused entirely on my 'career' and setting up home in Orlando. That's when I learned a new lesson, that I should have known by now, never move or transfer anywhere without first going to check it and the people out. Lesson noted.

So with my incredible 'career' put on hold and my life in Orlando shaken up a bit, thanks to two worthless pieces of flesh, I started the 'Shit! I need to find a job super fast' job search.

Didn't work out. Damn Orlando and its' over-saturated job market.

However, I was receiving rather nice job offers back in Maryland. Go figure. Wasn't the whole point to this that I didn't want to live in Maryland to begin with? Thought so. I guess you can't tell ?destiny? to go screw itself and I took the next Auto-Train back to Maryland.

* Side note: Now if you've never traveled by train you need to. Regardless if you kick back in coach class or get a sleeper (sleepers are fun) the train is still a kick ass way to meet new people and have new experiences. It's a shame I couldn't videotape a few of those new experiences. Bottom line - travel by train at some point. It can be adventurous or romantic.

So I'm back in Maryland. Checking out the job offers (I should have never stopped making porno - life was more exciting and more simple with porno) and hanging with friends I hadn't seen in the seven months I had been gone. Wasn't too bad. While I honestly do not like Maryland as a place to live, it does have some charm.

Then BAM! on a drunken walk back to a friends apartment I got the idea that I was a Ninja and as a Ninja should be able to jump down some stairs crouching tiger, hidden dragon style.

I am NOT a Ninja.

So another lesson learned and I am in the process of nursing back a broken kneecap and getting myself able to walk again.

Yet for all of the bullshit and things that have taken place I guess there was something to come of it. I've had a lot of time to think and re-evaluate areas of myself, reconnect with people that I've misssed talking to and a new job offer which begins at the end of this month. More fitting to my passions and with a good enough salary to get me quickly back together.

I guess good things can come out of annoying situations. So, there's the update on my life. I figured it was time to put some substance in rather than just rambling off thoughts.

Inject me..... with java

I'm bored

Entertain me

Tell me where I belong at

How do I have to act to be like that

What do I have to say to be respected like that

I'm not going to play that
I don't want to be one of the pretty people
Another version of someone else
Cast from your mold
To be the toy you like

Not here to please you
Not trying to be you

Got my own way
My own thing

There's no life in being the same.

Wake me up

I've had time to sit and think. To evaluate and re-evaluate my thoughts.

I've had time to explore inward.

I've had time to open my eyes

You can go through life pretending to not notice, to not see, the pain and suffering of others. You can close your eyes and turn your head. You can close your heart and forget . You can place your hand into your pocket and ignore the damage you've done.

You can go through life pretending to be blind... or you can challenge, change and manipulate destiny.

What's it going to be?

Another suitcase

So I've purchased my auto-train ticket back to Maryland. I leave on Monday, August 13th at 4:00pm, unless something amazing happens before then. I am not expecting it to and I am not even sure I want it to.

Stay, go home, go to Miami... choices, choices, choices...

And all I wanted was to get away; it wasn't the first time. I can view this as an extended vacation, a vacation would have sufficed, but now six months later it didn't turn out so well. I'll learn, one day, to not leave behind good things and good people in search of something more. Something possibly better.

It's like porno. You watch that same porn, again and again until it just does nothing more for you. You've moved on and now you need a deeper porn to get off to. The same 'ole has become mundane... the thrill is gone.

Come to think of it, sounds like a good number of my relationships too.

I was supposed to goto Miami this month and stay with my friend Nick while I looked at possible job opportunities. He wanted me to move there and honestly Miami is sexy. A lot better than Orlando, but I don't see how it's possible. It just doesn't make sense to take what little money I have left and risk it all on a chance.

What happened to my younger adventurous cravings...

The last place I want to be, for a number of reasons, is Maryland. However there is security in being there with friends and family. Not to mention, a good number of job offers. Job offers -vs- no job offers .. doesn't sound like too hard a choice.

I'll leave Florida, I'm sure of it. Then I'll be in Maryland and sorry that I didn't stay in Florida. It's a catch-22 that I am not sure I can win on any front.

It's nice to find your place in the world. A place where you know you belong.. where you feel it and just know this is where you should be.

I guess I'm still looking for that place.

Change is coming...

It's been six months since I made the journey from Maryland to Orlando. The time has gone by so quickly; it feels like I only left yesterday.

Distance has a funny way of making you forget the things you left behind. I'm sentimental by nature, however and I find myself missing the people and places that I use to know - but it seems to last for only a moment before it's replaced by the action and challenges here.

Something in me moves me, though and it's not just the bullshit I've been dealing with at the new hotel down here. God, I miss my old hotel and the people. I feel an urge for change...a need for movement.

So, I think it's time to pack the bags again and pick another place. Somewhere new, that I've never been. I have two choices in mind, but I'll wait to see what happens (or to land there) before mentioning them.

Creativity is on overdrive -- there is so much I want to do and I know what I need .. I know what to do... now it's just a matter of focus.

Time to fight the insomnia...

Huh? What?

Gabcast! I'm a ninja damnit! #1

Who have you mistaken me for?

Some one easily broken? Lost and bewildered... roaming aimless and empty.

We are all fluid. The most beautiful imperfections ... we devour our environment.

I've wrapped around you, swallowing you... and spit you out.

Perfection tasted so bad, so stale.

Fluid... constantly moving, evolving, devouring... always within reach, but out of touch.

Been quiet for just a little long...

I've taken time away from the bloging while I prepared and executed my move to Florida. Certainly without detailed planning, but I've always been excited by the mystery of what is waiting around the next corner.

So here I am. In sunny Florida with the palm trees. It hasn't been the easiest start, but things have begun to quiet down and I have the chance to begin the plans for the next stage of my move.

I keep busy with work, planning and little trips to Tampa and Miami when I can. A little more networking, some new friendly faces and more palm trees.... I really think I picked Florida because it was the closest destination with palm trees. I'm diggin the palms.

It doesn't hurt that eight out of ten people down here are beautiful either...

I surprise myself a little though -- for how social I can be.. I've kept to myself more than anything else. Reinvention takes time and I have begun a lot of reinventing .... so I have a lot to complete. There is a peace in not knowing a ton of people, like back home and the lonliness that it sometimes brings I can easily chase away.

I'm not getting any younger though, damnit. So I am trying to make the most of my time.

Some prospects of the latino variety -- but I don't want to get focused there. Infactuations and emotions are better set aside for the time. It's easier to just flirt, laugh and disappear ... there will be time for the serious stuff later.

I am waiting to see what 'excitement' gay days will bring. I've already ran into several people from Baltimore - some old friends and I can only imagine who else I will have the pleasure of running into. I am sure the five day event will not go without some interesting story taking place.

There is one person inparticular that I hope I do run into. I've been just a little too quiet, for just a little too long.

Where do we go from here?

Cool Video

Cool lyrics - Gwen Stefani lyrics

Gwen Stefani Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

Fairy Tales Don't Always Have Happy Endings...

Well, I've moved on. A different state, different life. New friends, new memories and while I try to push away the past it still creeps in from time to time.

How can I let go of memories that seem so long ago, but are still recent? How do I let go of expectations and hopes that I held onto so strongly. So afraid to let go... so afraid to move on.

Here I am... a new place. Making new friends, building new memories. Trying to forget, but forced to remember. It's not bad, really. I never wanted to let go in the first place -- I forced myself into a position where letting go seemed the only reasonable solution.

The heart is not reasonable, trust me.

So I've met someone new, I'm hung up on someone old and I've been reuinted with someone from my past. Now I am just confused - a sea of emotions and hesitations. New hopes, new expectations and desires from the past mingled with concerns for the future.

Everything works out in the end, for however it was meant to be. I don't question that, but I do ask myself 'what if' -- because sometimes what if is all you have to hold onto.

Feelings that are true never die..

Walking Away...

I have set into motion the things that need to be done and once again buried secrets inside that I had hoped for a chance to reveal.

Now I wait, for the chance to walk away, while one chapter closes and a new one is begging to begin.

I have learned that nothing is a constant, as much as I'd like to think otherwise and that people, places and things are never quite what they seem. Even though I approach them all with a clear conscious, open heart and child-like anticipation. Never quick to admite that disappointment hurts, but knowing all too well how much it does.

I've left behind anger, desire and pride. Hopefulness is no longer my mantra. What if and what could are no longer thoughts that race through my mind. I have packed away what I can and placed it in storage for now.

There is a sense of freedom in walking away, but that is all.

Nothing surprises me anymore, nothing impresses me... but I never expected it to.

You've been looking, I know...

I know you've been looking... silently waiting to see what I may or may not say -- Curious of what I may need to express.

Despite all things; I cannot bring myself to be the way you are -- because everything I said was true.

As time goes on, you will fade -- but as you grow, you will realize.

The future is only determined by what is in the heart of the person making the choices.

Happy Again..

Things are back in place; I'm happy again.

The humor behind "Anonymous."

If you have something to say, you should be man enough (if that is what you are) to not hide behind 'Anonymous."

So while I do not know who you are, yet, we are both rather curious to find out.

In the interim, let us get a few facts in check:

1) I don't stalk any one nor have I. Have your facts in place before you open your 'mouth.'

2) My blog isn't the entire details of my life, so you have no idea what I have or have not done for the past year.

3) You have no knowledge of our relationship, what it entailed, or what depth it may have had to it - for either of us - so you're not in position to even begin making comments.

4) We're doing pretty damn fine hanging out and riding it along to see where 'we' go from here.

...and five, if you don't like the blog - or if you're simply bitter - don't read it.

The most simple form of truth..

"When you love someone, when you care, you don't run to others to discuss the problems you are having. You don't run to others for an escape. You first go to the person you love, the person you're building something with and you talk to them. Not in hints, not in attitudes, but in complete honesty. You don't find someone else for comfort and then just walk away."

Too Much Time

I never knew all the free time I had to be bored, until being single. My life was busy before and then nice and occupied with him... but now I am just bored.

I don't have the motivation to go out or go anywhere. I simply work, goto the gym to run and then come home. There I sit. Maybe a run to the gas station or a quick trip to see Becca, but when all is said and done.. I'm bored.

The biggest loss in a relationship is the sense of companionship. Someone to call who knows you on a little deeper a level than your friends, someone to see and do things with on that daily basis and someone to cuddle next to at night. Those are what I am missing.

Stay Tuned...

I have decided to stop writing about the present situation between my (x) and I. I am not sure what will become of us, if anything or not, but for now I will remain silent. As hard as silence is for me.

I sincerely appreciate the kind comments that have been left throughout these posts. It has helped.

Stay tuned, because I am sure that at some point I will have news to share. Good or bad. Although I am hoping for the better of the two.

Thanks again.

Silence isn't always golden

I have a good twenty post that I have written about my current situation, but I keep them saved as drafts. It's funny, how even when someone no longer is interested in you it can be difficult for you to do anything that might make them unhappy.

So they sit as drafts, for now.

It's been seventeen days, but why am I counting? I know there is no magic number and why do I feel so helpless?

I've had my share of short-lived relationships and I've walked away from them without any hesitation. I like them go, no big deal. So why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I so reluctant to let it go.

Funny story, the guy I was dating was dating the guy I dated before I met him... before he met me. Well that's not what makes it so funny, but it was interesting. I walked away from that without any issue.

I try to justify and understand not only myself, but him. We had this discussion once before regarding his ex-boyfriend. Everyone wants and needs closure, they need to understand when someone who they think loves them suddenly stops.

Maybe it was how we met, that makes me not want to let go. How I wanted him for so long and chance happened to allow me the opportunity and the opportunity became a relationship.

Perhaps it was how different he was from everyone else, his protective nature, how we laughed and saw humor in things that others probably wouldn't.

Or maybe it was just because he made me feel complete, cared for, loved. Not for anything other than who I am.

He doesn't understand that I still, or why I still, hurt. He doesn't seem to get the fact that I worry about him and wonder about him. He's on my mind all the time in one way or another.

If I had done something wrong, I wish he'd have simply told me. Anything would be more than nothing. Telling someone it isn't them and that you just don't want a relationship -- after telling them that is all you wanted is nothing short of a mindfuck.

As hurt as I am and as much as he does things that I know he is aware hurts me even more I cannot find it inside myself to be angry.

He acts like he hates me and I don't even know what I did. It was sudden, unexpected and nothing was pointing to anything being wrong. Nothing that would send out a red flag.

One minute he loves me, the next he is gone. So there's my confusion, stress and the reason why I don't sleep at night.

He started staying at my house so he could hold me and help me sleep. It was a sweet gesture and it turned into four months of feeling complete. Now my bed is empty and in such a sudden way... that I lay awake at night simply wondering... alone. I reach for him sometimes in the morning still, but nothing is there.

Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I should learn to just say 'fuck it" and move on, but what does that say? People can think I am stupid, they can think I am needy. I really don't care.

I know who and what I am. I know that I was genuinely happy for the first time in ten years by this one person.

And I know he's turned away.

Physical damage will heal. Scars will lessen, pain will go away. Damage to the heart, even when you've overcome it, lasts for ever.

But, I'm not angry. Love is a constant, when it's real, even when the relationship is long gone.

What's in my head...

I didn't write this, but I'm going to post it here until I can find the video. It's amazingly close to the thoughts going through my head right now.

It will be

Whatever it is you're looking for

It will be

Whatever it is you need

It will be better

Even though I know you're not sure

Remember the rain even comes down

In Shangri-La

Look up as it soaks into your skin

And remember who you are and...

Come on home

When the road that you've

Been walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought was

Greener isn't there

You can come on home

If you find the sun don't shine

Through every window

If you find a moonlit night

Still makes you blue

If you find out why you

Feel the way you do

Glance over your shoulder boy

You know I'll be there

I've found in the past you know,

Sometimes life isn't fair so..

Come on home

When the road that you've been

Walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought

Was greener isn't there

You can come on home...

When life isn't fair

Don't go there

You can come on home...

Now I understand...

Somewhere along the way I must have given the wrong impression. At some point he must have doubted how much I cared. His comments always point at little things like that; I didn't show him enough affection.

I think that doubt and lack of affection he needed made him turn off and that resulted in his going away.

If he only knew...

I just want to tackle him and hold him. Of course, he's kinda bigger than me so I might not win on that one, but all the same... I want to hold him. Everything inside tells me it's what we need... a few moments of quiet affection, a reminder.

He says he can't change what his mind and body feels, yet it seems almost like a struggle. One moment I see the same look in his eyes that he had when he was all about me and the next I see it turn cold and distant.

I don't believe, deep inside, that he is happy we're over and I know that he is aware I am not either.

I just wish he'd try, if not for our sake than for mine. I wouldn't even ask it or expect it if I didn't know that the love for me is there. It's been 15 days and it feels like 15 years.

Nothing should ever obligate you to a relationship, but time invested and love should obligate you to try.