Wouldn't it be better if I loved you less...?

Sometimes maybe it would be better if you loved me less...

These are my hands but what can they give me
These are my eyes but they cannot see
These are my arms but they don't know tenderness

and I must confess that I am usually drawn to sadness - and lonliness has never been a stranger to me, but love tried to welcome me.. but my soul drew back. Guilty of lust and sin, loved tried to take me in...

These are my lips but they whisper sorrow
This is my voice but it's telling lies

I know how to act, but I don't know happiness and I must confess
instead of spring its always winter and my heart has always been a lonely hunter...

Still love tried to welcome me, but my soul drew back. I was covered with dust and sin...

Love tried to take me in
Love tried to break me.

---

ahh... the joys of music.

Tonight I cried for you again...

I just started back at the gym after a year and a half of insecurities and memories. Tonight I went against my better judgement and met a 'friend' to attend the '80's prom' at the Hippodrome. Tonight I was, once again, in the spotlight amoung faces of people who will never amount to more than kind, but empty, words.

Tonight I cried for you again.

Tonight I faced myself again.

Tonight I looked once more at my fears and my emptiness and for you I cried.

Tonight I've learned that I haven't stopped running.... tonight I learned that I am still angry.

I left myself vulnerable to strangers as I strained to catch my breath and to hold back tears that I felt should no longer be there.

I reach, I grasp, I fight, I manipulate... I claw and scratch to get what I want. I play the games I am so against.

And in the eyes of a friend I saw their acknowlegement of me. My actions. My fears. My petty needs. My false affirmations that keep me alive.

I am sitting here shaking. I am cold and empty. I'm revealed. Naked and vulernable. Empty and alone. Wanting so much to be away from this place, from all these things, from my memories and past.

I swear I know who I am and at the same time I cannot grasp the reality that I live. I run, I travel, I explore.. I dive deeper into everything that disgusts me and I stand on top of it all - in control .. a king.. a lie.

My beliefs escape me. My truths blended into falsehoods that I can barely discern. Lost in this dream that I've created.

So I light another cigarette and I inhale till I feel myself suffocating. The pain is a pleasure to me. Inside of it, I feel alive. Without it, I am dead.

I use my manipulative strategies, peoples interests in me, and mine in others for the same reason. To feel alive. To have meaning. To see that I am something more than an empty shell of a person drifting mindlessly through this existance. Yearning, yet fearful, for it to end.

You left me to carry this cross. To hold this burden upon myself. Me .. alone.

I can feel your laughter. Your hate. I feel your eyes on me waiting for me to drop. To give up. To know that I am no better than you ever said I was. To know that I am nothing.

I hear your words. Your hateful words. The words you used to trap me, to demean me, to make me worthless.

Why then do I long for you? Why does my heart break for you still? Why am I still crying when I should be relieved?

You accomplished in death what you never could in life. You've conquered me. You've gained control of me with your words. You've detached me from myself and left me to wander without meaning.

You left me to fight.

Fight against myself and others. Fight against my dreams, my fears, my hopes.

My anger is like a passion. I lick it from every inch of a strangers flesh. As I take them into me.. as I taste them. I kiss their lips with such hatred. I submit to them and their desires. I drink from them .. I become part of them. My own motives as evil and vile as they are.

What have I become?

Wisdom is not defined by age, but by experience alone

There is a person I've known for a while now... just a friend from online. Over time the scope of our friendship grew and more personal thoughts and feelings shared. We've discussed life, love, religion, and dreams...

Tonight she shared with me her online journal... and like a song, it spoke to me in ways that are too profound to explain. Tonight I also learned that wisdon is not defined by age, but by experience alone -- and her journey is one that I walked along... clinging to the words I read on the screen... like a good novel that you cannot put down. One that you can relate to and one that inspires you.

It also enlightened me. It put into words a feeling that I could not express, because I thought no words existed to express it. Now there are and thanks to her I will copy those words here ... now able to express something stirred up inside of me by someone who doesn't know:

He will always be living art.

Everyone is living art to me. I was infatuated with this particular person so because he was delicious in pieces- his hands, his eyes, his walk, his lips- but not as a whole. As a whole he was as defective as I am, and two defects don't equal one good person. But he was beautiful and I continue to study people in the same way. I've probably done it to you.

.. thank you Tee.