Paparazzi

I've always said that I never wanted to be one of the pretty people or part of the popular scene of look-a-likes and act-a-likes. Nor have I wanted to be the coked up, muscleboy in the spotlight. Popular for no reason, like a Paris Hilton with a cock.

Maybe that's not completely true and just a self defense mechanism. Just a way to let go of younger ambitions that now, years later, are dusty and incomplete.

I've been blessed to know many people, to have my thirty minutes of fame - while some have only 15 or non, to have incredible friends and been to incredible places. Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I have never understood why some men are so taken by me. With just one conversation, their universe is me. How flattering it feels and how it kept me up high when I was younger. I guess I was more popular than I thought.

Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I've tried to be what others wanted, bent myself to keep people happy, I've been passive, aggressive, angry and a lover. I've played bad boy and innocent - even took on the role of boy and girl.

I have used sex as control. While you snorted coke, I was being held down and penetrated to feel my high.

Who I was changed day by day. A script written for the people or circumstances I was in - never me on the surface.

Now I sit here alone. Alone I am comforted, I know who I am now. My heart not broken by choices or mistakes - I feel free.

Even still.. I have saved you a seat, next to me. Ever hopeful still.