To Shame the Devil

I am not a fan of stupid, but at least with true stupidity one can reason the lack of judgment or action.

However, I loathe feigned stupidity.

Do not warp bits and pieces of conversations to pick and choose your own message; especially when the message is crystal clear.  Nor should you expect others to forget your past, or track record, when your behavior has not changed.

You should be man, or woman, enough to take accountability for your actions, lack of actions and the choices you make without the need for excuses, lies or false apologies.

It can be said many different ways, both eloquently or harsh, but the message is the same and one most people are raised understanding: Do not say what you do not mean, do not make promises you will not keep and, more than anything, do what you say.  These are basic fundamentals.

It is heartbreaking to watch the base of mind continue their paths of self-destruction by weaving lies and facades to facilitate their needs and create opportunity.  In the end, no matter how good you cast your spell, the truth always comes out.

What, or who, will you be left with when karma comes to collect it's payment?  Thoughtlessness and games may look fun and seem easy, at first, but to each thing there is a price to be paid.

An evil soul producing holy witness is like a villain with a smiling cheek; Speak the truth and shame the devil.

Fighting Back!

I really do not make it a habit to blog about political things, but this one hits close to home and it seems is a stepping stone to taking back some control that the CRA's have over everyone.

I have seen the impact of medical debt on families and individuals who are unemployed or uninsured.  I have seen collection agency and debt ruin people.  Not luxury debt, not someone just being irresponsible, but debt incurred from an urgent need for medical care and, even with the best of intentions, the inability to repay it or repay it quickly enough.

The Medical Debt Responsibility Act of 2011 provides relief to those who pay off their debt, allowing it to be removed from their credit reports.  It is not a handout, but a necessary forgiveness.  Who can say medical debt is any indication of someone's credit trend?

So, if you're a follower of my blog or someone who just stumbled across it.. please visit the facebook page and like us.  Share it with your friends and let your local representative know you support this bill!

Thank you.

Wake me up before it's over

In my sleep you return, a ghostly memory, an apparition of what used to be or could have been.

In my dizziness you speak to me, your mouth moving quickly in black and white.  A silent film, filled with secrets and deception.  In circles we run, until the lines have blurred and the hunter pursued.

In my chaos we laugh and touch. Our smiles as wide as a Chesire's, our laughter filling the void that so many broken promises created.  A touch, once so earth shattering, feeling second hand.

What did it feel like that morning when you watched me step into the shower. When you heard me call to you and shot back a quick reply. How did it feel as you drove away, taking everything with you and leaving me behind. How did it feel watching the motel shrink in the distance? Did you ever think how it felt to stand there, calling your name and silence being the only answer. Alone in the middle of nowhere, with nothing and no one.

 As I sink into the quicksand that became the words which once gave me the ability to soar - I can hear your laughter, your sharpened words cutting deeper than any sword could.

How could I have fallen, again and again, for such a wicked Queen?  A fairy tale gone so bad with a love that won't go anywhere.

No happy endings, those were promises never meant for me.  Behind the words you poured out with such profound emotion... no more meaningful than the names you spoke, in lust filled moments, while ensuring my heart fully broken.

A wicked Queen, a fairy tale played out before me...  a broken dream.

When your mirror speaks the truth to you, when the tides set into motion return.... I'll be awoken.

The Fool's Prayer

One day two friends were talking about their relationships and broken hearts.  The one friend said, "I pray and pray, but God never seems to answer me!  Look how #1 cheated on me and then #2 was a liar.  Why won't God send someone special and good for me into my life?" 

Having listened intently, the friend broke eye contact and looked  off into the distance where someone else walked slowly away.

Then with a deep sigh, the other friend said "It is not that God never answered you, it is that you never listened to God.  Many people have come into your life, who cared for you very much.  There was #0 who was there for you when no one else would be, but you did not see them.  There were others, too, but you were always the same - too wrapped up to see what God had sent.  Picking a trophy over a genuine heart and a moment of lust over a lifetime of happiness.  Speaking the word love as quickly as you would say 'Hello' and ending each affair at the start of another."

The one friend started to speak, but was cut off as the other friend continued, "You make love empty and meaningless when so quick to use it.  You defeat the purpose of your prayers when you cannot see with your heart.  The person who was walking away, the one you never noticed, God had sent them just for you.  You never cared to see."

Frozen

-- Originally written on September 9, 2009 and never completed or published.

"For so long you have been walking along the winding path. Through areas which you would have rather avoided, but the journey was necessary and you are hopeful that your destination will be reached soon. As day turns into night, you find yourself approaching a clearing. Before you stands a signpost with roads leading off to the North, East and West. As you try to read the old wooden sign, the words begin to blur and you are unable to focus. The light from your lantern dims and flickers in the night air, almost out of oil and you know it is not safe to be here at night. Unsure, yet determined, you head off to the West...."

I have been thinking about this post for weeks and whenever I sit down to write my mind draws a blank. There are so many thoughts to express that I find it overwhelming and end up just closing the browser and moving onto something else.

I feel frozen. Trapped. As if I am just stuck in one spot spinning my wheels and waiting for the forward momentum which doesn't come.

Lately I have spent a lot of time thinking about religion, creation, God. I have always liked discussing theology, but I believe this new 'obsession' has as much to do with my mother as it does my need for truth. I believe in God, I have no doubt about the existance and purpose of Jesus Christ, but what if we got it all wrong? What if our human interpretations of God have distorted the true message? It is unfortunate that I do not believe the truth I am seeking is something that can be given to me. I do not think there is any 'ask' and be 'answered' to these fundamental questions.

I have many reasons to believe that there is more to us than just this physical reality. I have had my share of experiences that will forever alter my belief system, but those are things I do not share on a regular basis. I am sure that many people share my experiences, but it doesn't make them any more socially acceptable. So I keep them to myself, more questions than answers.

I made it out of Kansas and have moved back to Florida. It is so nice to be back... who can resist sexy palm trees? Florida has always been the one place that makes me feel happy and energized, but this time it doesn't have that feeling. I feel troubled, just as I feel frozen, but I cannot figure out why.  I am happy to have someone special in my life, someone I can love so completely and who makes me feel whole.  Yet, something just doesn't feel right and I am afraid I do not want to know.

It's almost seven

Recently I took the time to journey back the almost seven years of my blog.  To see how I had grown and how I had not.  Revisited heart break, confusion, happiness and anger.  I read and watched the cycles repeat, as they often do.

Several months ago I grew weary of placing my life, my thoughts in the public forum.  I do that enough on FaceBook, but it wasn't that which took away my lust for writing here - it was what I saw when I went back through time.

Little had changed.

Happiness was replaced with more sorrow, love turned to bitterness and I had become complacent in my own chaos.  My goals lost their luster and my eyes their shine.

I saw in the past a keen awareness of what needed change, but change I did not make.  I guess it is true that your own advice is the hardest to take.

I watched my sense of self unfold over broken relationships and bad habits, self destructive habits, took the place of someone's fiegned 'love.'

A friend asked me recently if my last relationship really scarred me as much as it seemed.  I said 'absolutely not!"  The answer, however, was a resounding "Yes."

Time is such an invaluable gift.  We have no knowlege of how long we get to hold onto it, or if we will have the foresight to know before it is lost.  I had given up a lot of time and now I am older.  Not a curse, or a damnation, but a complication at the least.  I had focused everything: myself, time, emotion, finances and every ounce of forgiveness into what became like a black hole.  Sucking in everything it could, releasing nothing back.

Yet, still, love is an emotion stronger than hurt - at least for a time - and mine never given without being true and so I continued.  And continued.  And continued.

When there was too little left to protect me, I let go and in letting go your heart screams out for what it had found comfort in.  You see, your heart doesn't always realize or see the negative in someone or a situation.  It knows no better and it caused me incredible pain, because I had sent away what it had held so dear.

My mind, first happy in it's decision to protect my heart was left confused and shaken... because the heart, that didn't know better, broke more than it had before.

Even my body, that had felt strong began to question and asked, "Who will be there when I am weak, sick or unsure? Who now?"

Everything.  Everything had fallen apart in doubt, because the heart, that did not know any better, hurt more than it ever did.

My heart, unfortunately, never knows any better.  So it continues to hurt, to search, to seek what it lost.

My mind continues to seek distractions and ways to deceive the heart. 

My body stays quiet and timid.  Unsure of itself and of it's place.

You see, this is my journey.  My life lesson, if you will. It is the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me; nothing material - no matter how much I enjoyed or longed for it - mattered as much.  It has always been my heart that has driven.

And as I stand in the crowd, or with friends, feeling alone I ask myself, "How long can a heart that loves as much, despite how broken, survive?" 

Then I think of my mother, whose broken heart could no longer stand against the pain, the hurt and I hope "long enough to be made whole again."

Wisdom

To those that are young; listen. Listen to your father and your mother. To the people you say are 'just old and no fun," because if blessed -- those are the exact people you will become. Imagine how amazing your life could be now, if you applied twenty more years of wisdom to it today -- rather than later, after opportunity and chance has passed away.

I have a life, here.

I made a prediction, you swore you would never allow to come true.

You made a promise, another commitment that you would never hold to.

The smiles and the laughter are faded images that I am not sure were ever meant for me.

Lies and deception, I held to your promises hoping they would someday come true. Always disappointed, a little heartbroken when I saw the truth.

How can you hurt someone you claim to love? How many lies can you tell? Do you rehearse the script, was there a prize you sought or was I a sport for fun?

You lied to me, to others, but what purpose does it hold? When inside of you, you know the truth regardless the facades you show.

My heart shouldn't ache, I shouldn't feel hurt, I knew all too well the secrets that you kept - but unlike you, my love is real and my promises kept without an agenda or goal.

I believed in you and now he can, too - the one you so quickly used to fill my place.

Just remember this, the heart you broke. the words you spoke and the promises you failed to keep are all in account.. a soul deep debt that is now yours to keep.

How could you hurt the one you love? The one who never stopped loving you. Why say words which were not true? When all the hurt you so freely gave out will only return to you?

Speechless.

You took away my words, when you broke my heart the way you did and I still miss you.

You stole our dreams when you played the games you did. How was I to know how fake it was, when you believed it yourself?

I still love you.

What do you do when all the hurt you cause others catches up to you?

My words, my dreams and my focus escape me.

I wouldn't change it.

Broken hurts at the start, but makes you stronger in the end and I am resilient.

Strong.

Better.

But I and D will continue to love and miss you.

The thief takes only what is given

The evil within man frightens me, but does not surprise me.

The lack of conscious and the darkness of your soul are reminders of the danger a blinded love holds.

I will survive, there is no question, but what will become of you when they find out?

How long does a lie last? Does it last longer than a memory, longer than love, longer than time? Does it linger past our last breath or is it forgotten in an anonymous, lust filled moment?

If love is nothing but a lie, will it matter after we are gone? After you have forgotten me?

If a lie is all love has been, why do I remember you? Should you forget me, remember this moment.  Remember my eyes, my mouth, my words... while you were a thief, I offered you my soul. 

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

Heart For Sale

What is love

I close my eyes and whisper your name. Having sprayed your cologne on my pillow, sometimes it eases the pain.

How I hate myself for loving you, knowing that I really never had you. I realize the game, I am aware of how it is played.

I can ignore the broken heart, I can distract myself with other things but I cannot erase the memories of all the places we have been.

A stab, a prick, torn apart. The memories are relentless, abusive and abrasive. Mocking me, taunting me, a reminder of all you did.

I am angry at myself, at you and at a heart that is unconditional. I am sad for you, for me, for having been defeated by my own love for someone proven unworthy.

Not the first. I know how the game is played. I am sure it will be played again. A new cast, a new script that changes day, by day.

I have seen beyond the words that defined what I thought we were once all about.

So tell me, what is love?

Peaceful Slumber

I watch their faces and put stories to their lives; the nameless who pass by. Sincere and beaten smiles, those lost in their own thoughts, the angry and the sad. I watch them all, wondering where they are going and from where they came.

I catch the glances and see the eyes filled with questions. I soak in the emotion. Souls so bare and so guarded.

Often wondering why I carry the weight of nameless others. Wishing I could change the challenges and obstacles they face - in their life story that I have created. My heart breaks for the tears and frowns of strangers, for beggars and fools.

I often imagine what it will be like when the journey ends. I close my eyes and imagine emptiness, silence. I remove thoughts, emotions, dreams. I forget happiness and heartbreak.

I still don't have an answer, although every day brings us closer to the knowledge we seek - but do not want to be part of.

I guess I did not care before I was here and I likely will not care when I am gone.

A peaceful slumber.

A love Poem

Let me be the one that inspires you to love, to release your fears like a prisoner set free from the chains that bind them.

My eyes, a window opening and my voice a whisper calling you forth.

Let my touch lift your consciousness - so that we may fly free of time, of body, of limitations.

Let me inspire you to love, for as long as I live, my love is already yours....

A flame lit before the begining of time, one with creation.

Even should you forget me.

I imagine love

I imagine love as a dandelion.  Bright and welcoming, shining with an intensity like the sun. 

For a time.

As its' cycle completes and the brightness fades, a transformation takes place.

What once was love, is now many seeds or possibilities waiting to be picked and blown into the wind.

What was once love will take root and love will blossom again; for someone else to find.

Is it any more of a blessing to find one to last a lifetime?  Or to be part of experiencing love through the ones we pick along our journey?  Each seed holds with it new possibilities, new life, further adventures.

Does the seed remember the flower it came from?  Does it ever miss it's home?

I imagine love as laughter, but see it in tears.  All delicate in their own way, all as fragile as the dandelion gone to seed.

אהבתי אותך יותר מאשר האהבה עצמה

Sanctuary

Diligo est Silens Veneratio

I feel there comes a time when disclosure, if for no other purpose than closure, becomes a necessary rite.  While there is nothing to be gained, or lost, by such an idea ... it serves to seal the soul and to dispell any doubt or wonder.  It is the embodiement of honor, love and when all is done: silence.

While I titled this post Sanctuary, I also want to call it "156 Friends whom I do not truly know."  The meaning behind that will be known by those to whom it matters.  Moreso, I understand your weakness and your strengths.

I will start this post, this last post on such matters, with this:  I have loved you since the moment I saw you and even before then, when the scent of chrome filled the air... before you were even visible.  I have loved you when you lied, deceived and left me broken.  Indeed, I have always loved you and continue to, yet even love has its' limitations in a physical manifestation.  So now, I have decided, to love you silently - from a distance - where you can no longer hurt me nor lie to me.  Yet, it hurts me all the same.

Most people who read my blog or follow me on FaceBook are aware of my relationship situation.  They have seen my random comments, my displeasures, my hurt and my anger.  Truthfully, I regret the hateful and personal attacks I have made.  I do, however, stand behind them.  They were provoked and while I could have risen above, pain leaves little in the way of being a better man.  It is hard for me to see (or hear) half-truths and not react.  I want and will get the justice I feel is deserved for all that has been done.  It is truth I want - though there may be a different side (or perception) to every story.. there is always and only one truth.

Let common sense be your guide.

I am not innocent.  No one ever is.  I have made decisions and done things which compromise my integrity, my better judgment and at times my own heart.  Yet, I can stand fast to the fact that my world revolved around this one person entirely, without exception, until I began to learn that they were not as true to me.

From there, the more I learned of their own ill behavior, I too cheated.  I became the exact thing that I hated so much in others.  Until one day, when we both had a moment of clarity and all was layed out on the table.  At that moment, our relationship began to feel more solid.  I bent my own rules and tried my hand at a relationship which allowed moments of what I considered inappropriate behavior shielded by rules and boundaries.

It did not work.  Rules were not followed and their behavior continued, without my knowledge, while I was away working.  Which is fine, as I never wanted an open relationship to begin with - the thought is repulsive in any normal state of mind.

As the lies continued, I became more distant.  Every lie caught was always 'the last lie,' until the next one that was unearthed and that too became 'the last lie/'  It became obvious that me, our pets, our relationship and the time we had invested in each other was not more important than the random encounters and 'friends' made during a hook-up. 

I have often been told, by my ex, that had I let them 'have friends' they would never have cheated.  It's a concept I find funny and depressing at once.  I never stopped anyone from having friends, however, you tend to go into a relationship with friends you had before -- and then you tend to make friends while IN a relationship from common acquantainces, work and so forth.  NOT from online sites which are geared towards casual sexual encounters, yet that is what they chose in large amounts.

I guess had they not destroyed my faith and my ability to trust them, things wouldn't have been so harsh.  They are quick to forget the cause of the things they complain about.  The things they did which created those situations.

I was hopeful, when I purchased my home, that things would be better.  I remember the conversation clearly: do NOT disrespect my home, trick in my home, etc.  If that is the case, break up and move on. 

It is, however, exactly what they did.  So many people in my home, SLEEPING in my home, having sex with my boyfriend in my home and even his talking to me while his tricks were in my home.  Now, the home I worked so hard for three years to accomplish disgusts me and reminds me of nothing more than my boyfriends poor choices.  Thank you for ruining a happy time in my life.

What is most painful... is that they did not care anouth about me, nor themselves, to have protected sex.  How would you feel if you knew your boyfriend had been barebacked by two HIV positive people, without your knowledge and then was trying to have anal sex with you when you were intoxicated. 

Every day.... I have to worry and wonder what six month or a year may bring.  I have gone 39 years without a single STD and now, every day, I have to worry because of a choice that I did not make.

Yet, I hear about their cries of a 'psycho' ex-boyfriend and how much they 'miss me' or are having a hard time 'getting over me.'  They tell stories of how horrible I was to obtain a restraining order (yet they fail to mention how they've stalked me) and they talk of me 'jocking;' their phone -- yet they are the ones who continued to call and beg me to take them back....  while still telling lies.

They tell bits and pieces of the whole in an attempt to make people feel sorry for and provide support to them.  It angers me, regardless if it should or not.  Stop telling lies and focus on the truth; at least than, if nothing more, they would be respectable.

What is most sad is that despite it all.... I love them and I miss them.  My dogs miss them and how it breaks my heart each time the dogs look, wait and anticipate their return.  Sometimes, I do the same thing.

The truth of the matter is, when you are sorry or remorseful for something you have done that you shouldn't; you do not continue to repeat the same actions (and certainly not for years).  You do not immediately run back and do the things which caused you to lose what you cared so much for and you do something to prove your intentions.

Nothing was ever done and again my heart broke.

So while stories are told as a rally cry....  I sit putting pieces back together of a life and home that is empty.  I sit and try to rationalize the four empty years that I have invested in someone that treated me as nothing more than a means to an end ..... I worry about the long term impact on my health, because of them and throughout it all I miss them and still love them. 

Believing in people, loving them with all of yourself and not giving up on any one is how I was raised.  It is who I am.  It is what I believe, even when the person who I care for throws petty slurs and comments about my family..or more directly about my deceased mother.  Even still...

So, this is it.  The last comment, discussion, rambling.  This is all that will be said about my last relationship.  It is sealed, done and yes, my heart breaks and hurts... my heart is lonely all the same.  However, I have lost more important things in my life -- I can survive anything.  Just as I survive daily anxiety and panic attacks from the stress that I experience every day due to this broken relationship.

So do not ask me about my ex, do not tell me about picking sides, or that he emailed you talking shit about me.  I do not care.  I do not care what he says, what lies or possible truths he may mention or who he makes plans with.  It is no longer my concern.

The truth always comes out, in the end and does not require any other intervention. Let common sense be your guide.

I removed them for a reason and I tried again, but still I ended it.

And my heart is broken, empty, lonely....

But I was not important enough then or weeks ago.  The truth remains, there was no love and that is more hurtful than anything else.

So there is no more drama, he said or she said, it is about action and common sense. 

I have washed my hands of it. It hurts......  :(



It's just a little bit funny...

I have a lot of free time at the moment.  My work has slowed down, which gives me the opportunity to enjoy my new home - unfortunately it also means I don't have a paycheck.  Either way, I am sure things will work  out - they always seem to - so I keep on trying.

Even for a lot of free time, despite my desperate search for a local job in this shark market, I have a sense of being overwhelmed.  If it isn't my anxiety, which my ex-boyfriend's lies and behavior tend to keep rather peaked, its my dogs... God love them, they are such sweethearts but the one has had to go and it breaks my heart.

I just can't manage it all alone.  It's a lot of work to manage a house, a disorder, a job search and to fight with a heart that is somewhat cracked (certainly not broken) along with a steady stream of lies and promises.

There was a time when I would have taken my ex back.  Despite the dirty things he has done to me throughout our relationship.  From leaving me stranded in various states, using me, living off me, cheating on me, disrespecting me... I even tried the 'semi-open-relationship' route ... but that didn't work either, because he was still a whore outside of our 'rules.'  Plus, that wasn't the mindset going into the relationship.  It was not what I wanted and according to him (all revealed as lies now) it wasn't what he wanted either.

I forgave more than any sane person would have.  I am not even certain why I did.  I think it's a combination of time invested, caring for someone, being worried for them and also wanting to believe in them.

That is probably the top answer:  wanting to believe.  Don't we all want to believe in someone?  To think that the promises and talk you hear is true ... with depth, passion and meaning?  I know I did and even though I knew it wasn't, I hoped it was.

Now, even as they stalk people on my facebook (lol-pointless process nonetheless), while they immediately resort back to the same behavior that helped end our relationship, as they failed to prove themselves in any sense (even though they begged and pleaded for a chance to)... as everything negative about them is the same as it always has been and always will be...  they send me texts and voice mails about how much they love me, miss me and want to be with me.  It's a twisted little game; if I were able to assume they were on alcohol or drugs it would make more sense, but unfortunately that is not the case.

They expect those words will get them back where they were.  I don't blame them, if I could live in someones house who is hardly ever around, pay money here and there when I can - just to have it spent back on me and turn their house into my own personal brothel.... I guess I'd miss it too above sleeping on someones sofa in the ghetto.

But love....  it's an empty word and one they are not educated about enough to say.

To add insult to injury, as well as to peak my anxiety and excite my rage, to allow a third party to disrespect me?  That is where the line is drawn.  You choose in life who and what matters most to you -- for many years they decided that was tricks, acquaintances and fair weathered 'friends.'  -- but never me.

And although all these people existed... it was only I that was ever there for them; it was me who was important when they needed something they they or someone else couldn't provide.  Still, they were never there for me.  Not once in the course of our relationship, even when they could, did they ever do - give - fulfill a promise - anything.... for me.  ((sigh)) hindsight is 20/20

Love is not a simple word,  it is an action.  Just as caring, loyalty, respect are all actions. 

His words were empty and always proven to be false.  It is no longer a surprise, a pain, a loss... it's a disappointment and time wasted that I can recover.

Who will show those words in action, as much as I can?

Paparazzi

I've always said that I never wanted to be one of the pretty people or part of the popular scene of look-a-likes and act-a-likes. Nor have I wanted to be the coked up, muscleboy in the spotlight. Popular for no reason, like a Paris Hilton with a cock.

Maybe that's not completely true and just a self defense mechanism. Just a way to let go of younger ambitions that now, years later, are dusty and incomplete.

I've been blessed to know many people, to have my thirty minutes of fame - while some have only 15 or non, to have incredible friends and been to incredible places. Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I have never understood why some men are so taken by me. With just one conversation, their universe is me. How flattering it feels and how it kept me up high when I was younger. I guess I was more popular than I thought.

Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I've tried to be what others wanted, bent myself to keep people happy, I've been passive, aggressive, angry and a lover. I've played bad boy and innocent - even took on the role of boy and girl.

I have used sex as control. While you snorted coke, I was being held down and penetrated to feel my high.

Who I was changed day by day. A script written for the people or circumstances I was in - never me on the surface.

Now I sit here alone. Alone I am comforted, I know who I am now. My heart not broken by choices or mistakes - I feel free.

Even still.. I have saved you a seat, next to me. Ever hopeful still.