Okay, now that I am awake (not sure exactly why... I only went to bed four hours ago! Fucking sleeping issues...) I figure I'd take a moment and write a lil something-something. It has been a minute since I wrote anything of interest.
Okay so interest may be a matter of perception, but still...
Nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately and while my ordinary may be rather out there to a lot of people.. it's still monotanous for my ass. I semi-recently started going out again, after having been completely focused on work for a few months. I decided to ease up on that to save on the stress it was causing.
Lots and lots of stress it was causing. However, now that I no longer have a corporate office... the company president has moved back to Texas... we've been taken to court for eviction... and a potential buyer from NYC may be taking us over... I guess positive things may be on the horizon or careerbuilders.com... grrr
My GrandMother recently passed away, but at 98 years old and living in a nursing home with no quality of life -- it was probably a blessing for her. It seems she died in her sleep, so knowing she didn't suffer is comforting.
Friends are the same, guys are the same... nothing exciting to report there. Although I have been informed that I'm a 'club whore.' I won't argue that -- I know (and sometimes I do not know) how I can be when a little intoxicated -- which is usually how you will find me if I am in a gay club. Sober + gay club never works for me .. they irritate me when I am sober.
The club is a far as it goes, though. I might do a little show & tell, or a quick thirty second public display of whoreness... but that's it. Sleeping around hasn't been my thing for a long time - plus it's easier to just go home alone and jack off. At least I don't have to worry about anyone else or make waffles.
Not to say that it wouldn't be nice to have someone to go home with and lay next to while watching some Toon Disney... but I can be patient.
RaWr!
"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
It's a little bit funny...
Okay nice weather rocks. I figured I would take a moment to put a new spin on the blog, inbetween doing laundry and trying to catch up on much neglected housework.
Things are good -- for the most part. It also seems that warmer weather brings with it a lot of people who are spawning, as I like to call it. Suddenly there are phone calls from long lost friends, ex's, etc. I'm a sentimental kind of person, so it's nice to hear a familiar voice or receive an email from someone who I haven't spoken to in forever.
So, I am happy. Even with the possible closing of my store (which means unemployed Jason) and the new financial obligations I've taken on... I am still happy, content, and even a bit excited as to how things will play out. Change has always excited me.
Change and a journey.
Speaking of journeys, I received an interesting email about my blog. The intent was nice, I am sure. I guess my writing comes across depressing. I know it can appear that way, but it is nothing more than passing thoughts, mental ramblings, or my way of looking at a situation from various points of view.
I don't tend to be very deep in person. I save that for a select few people, but when I write .. I pull a lot from what is deeper inside. I tend to ask questions that I already have my answer to. I just write to release. It's not as deep as it may appear to the person(s) who take it as a literal representation of my thoughts and feelings.
So, to set the record straight...
No, I am not sad or depressed. Lonely? Sometimes, but not often. I am certainly not pressed for any one in my life at the moment. The days of wanting someone, because they are 'someone' is well over. I'll be content allowing what happens to happen on its own. Each person an opportunity and each person a possibility, but without expectations or desires.
I've always been pretty self-maintaining. Perhaps that is why I am here, 34 years later, after all the things I've experienced. I do not break, not internally at least.
Well that is all for now... until something interesting comes along or I am on a drunken emotional rant. However, I don't go out much lately -- so drunk is a rare thing. Damnit.
Although, the offer to goto "Gay Bingo" might be some good entertainment.
Things are good -- for the most part. It also seems that warmer weather brings with it a lot of people who are spawning, as I like to call it. Suddenly there are phone calls from long lost friends, ex's, etc. I'm a sentimental kind of person, so it's nice to hear a familiar voice or receive an email from someone who I haven't spoken to in forever.
So, I am happy. Even with the possible closing of my store (which means unemployed Jason) and the new financial obligations I've taken on... I am still happy, content, and even a bit excited as to how things will play out. Change has always excited me.
Change and a journey.
Speaking of journeys, I received an interesting email about my blog. The intent was nice, I am sure. I guess my writing comes across depressing. I know it can appear that way, but it is nothing more than passing thoughts, mental ramblings, or my way of looking at a situation from various points of view.
I don't tend to be very deep in person. I save that for a select few people, but when I write .. I pull a lot from what is deeper inside. I tend to ask questions that I already have my answer to. I just write to release. It's not as deep as it may appear to the person(s) who take it as a literal representation of my thoughts and feelings.
So, to set the record straight...
No, I am not sad or depressed. Lonely? Sometimes, but not often. I am certainly not pressed for any one in my life at the moment. The days of wanting someone, because they are 'someone' is well over. I'll be content allowing what happens to happen on its own. Each person an opportunity and each person a possibility, but without expectations or desires.
I've always been pretty self-maintaining. Perhaps that is why I am here, 34 years later, after all the things I've experienced. I do not break, not internally at least.
Well that is all for now... until something interesting comes along or I am on a drunken emotional rant. However, I don't go out much lately -- so drunk is a rare thing. Damnit.
Although, the offer to goto "Gay Bingo" might be some good entertainment.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Meus deus, meus vires, meus saviour
Sono stanco solo tu , mio dio , avere dato me forza verso conquistare e tuo famoso io apprezzamento nonostante potere e raggiungimento Ÿ raggiungere libero tu.
But..you liked me at 3:00am when you were drunk?!
I was perfect, beautiful, amazing and you were intoxicated.
Your hands slowly covered me. Your eyes filled with excitement. Your kiss deep and passionate.
My name escaped you. That's alright, I didn't make an effort to remember yours. You had to take my number, it was important for us to talk again. I already knew the truth, so what point in taking yours?
I tell myself time and time again that perhaps this one is different. Perhaps you are more. So I take another drink and for the next few hours I am yours.
Night turns to day and I awake.. silently making my way out the door. As I walk to my car I can't help but smile. I know, all too well, that you are not different...
Now it's funny, almost a game. I won't be disappointed when the phone call doesn't come - I've already anticipated the outcome.
I'm sure I will see you out again. We will exchange the 'do I know you?" look and I'll simply nod. Another notch, another conquest... what do you call them now?
It may be better this way. There is no wasted time, no one to hurt. Years won't be wasted in realizing we are not right for each other.
That is better, isn't it?
You've paid your dues...
So many secrets and lies are hidden behind loving eyes, encouraging words and kind smiles.
How many tears fall when no one else is around?
When you try to be strong and in control while in the presence of others - yet inside you are suffering. Afraid. Alone.
How many chains bind you? When will you find, within yourself, the power to be free?
Not in a pill, a drink, a cigarette. Not in the acceptance of a friend, a stranger, a lover...
I know too well the pain you feel. The part we play while in public to not be vulnerable. The hurt we endure with hope for something better. Hopes that are set high .. knowing we are likely to lose.
I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.
Learn to appreciate what is lost - as much as you appreciate what you gain.
Everything with a purpose... even when we fail to realize or accept it.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Now I'm standing here...
In five days it will be three years since my boyfriend died in the car accident. While my life has progressed with few moments of hesitation since I came to terms with the accident -- current situations renew it, daily, in my life.
It's a strange feeling, but like everything I feel, it ebs and flows. Sometimes being upsetting and other times being nothing more than a passing thought.
I can't say that I believe in coincidence. I think our lives bring to us, for whatever the reason, crossroads that determine our next available paths - for better or worse. The final destination ultimately known (by God) but our free will at work.. shaping our destiny.
Wow... kinda reminds me of the old HabitTrails and hamsters... those were the simple days. When having a hamster to tourment was fun and being the first in your neighborhood to own MJ's Thriller on a 45 was the best thing to happen in your life.
I wonder where the lesson was for me. If I'll ever know it, learn from it, or if I already have. I guess I will never know. Or may be it is already a part of the secrets I keep burried inside of me... the secrets that I am waiting to tell, when I find someone to share them with. Someone to trust and believe in.
I am still, as always, drained. So exhausted. Mental, emotional, and physical. This job is sucking the life right out of me. Poetic justice, perhaps. It is a shame that only now I understand my boyfriend a bit better. Yet, he was still a shady bastard. Just a shady bastard I have a better understanding for at the moment.
The amazing power of love...
I have that itch... not to be confused with that itch that comes from a good trick at 3:00am in a stairwell by an abandoned building... but that itch to get away. To travel. To be somewhere other than here or there. Of course, now I am playing the part of responsible adult .. grrrr! damn the adult-ness.
Oh well, I am content. Maybe not satisfied, but that's not part of my personality anyway. I am always looking for something more exciting than the last adventure. Something to thrill me.
It just never does.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
What a joke...
Okay so perhaps it has been awhile since I had anything really fun, exciting, and uplifting to write about. Don't get me wrong, I am not jaded or bitter. Even if I was I'd never let anyone know. I just prefer to 'keep it real' and I tend to write things in a way that is more like random thoughts being rambled off... sometimes good, sometimes sad, sometimes alarming .. sometimes making people wonder if I should be medicated. Ya know, all of that.
So today was a bad day. It was my 'day off' that never turns into a day off. Once again, I find myself at work dealing with issues, getting nasty phone calls from corporate and being made to feel like I should be on careerbuilders.com looking for a new job. Ya know, throw me into a store (no training on any level mind you) that is already fucked up and tell me to turn it around with no money to spend.
Well okay.. so I've spent some of their money on turning it around. It desperately needed it and everything I do improves the place. Complaints are down, sales are up... but that's not enough.
Today it is all about tokens. We had 20,000 in the store as of last month and today we have only 2,837 left. So like 16,000 tokens which equals $4,000.00 (at retail value) is missing.
I looked in my ass.. they weren't there. I haven't checked the asses of my other employees yet, but I am debating it. I even looked in my dryer and I couldn't find them there either. So I'm at a loss.
I know it looks bad. I am upset about it, too. I can't explain it and I had no idea they were gone -- even though I do know we always seem to be searching and trying to get tokens together for sale on busy Saturdays. However, that has been sorta par for the course since I arrived so I didn't put much added thought into it.
I've fired most of the poison employees and only have a few more to get rid of. I am ontop of my management staff, am re-training (yet again) my line employees, working on marketing partnerships to increase business and trying to think of a legal way to slander the rat (Chuck E.) to pull their customers into my park.... and now I have to worry about my job security over 16,000 missing tokens which is obviously an inhouse theft issue.
I need to find better employees but I am not in the best place for that. Not that where I am is exactly bad, but the mentality kinda is. Oh well... I'll figure it out somehow.
I'd much rather be in San Juan, under a palm tree drinking a margarita, while I figure it out -- but I guess that will need to wait for a bit.
So today was a bad day. It was my 'day off' that never turns into a day off. Once again, I find myself at work dealing with issues, getting nasty phone calls from corporate and being made to feel like I should be on careerbuilders.com looking for a new job. Ya know, throw me into a store (no training on any level mind you) that is already fucked up and tell me to turn it around with no money to spend.
Well okay.. so I've spent some of their money on turning it around. It desperately needed it and everything I do improves the place. Complaints are down, sales are up... but that's not enough.
Today it is all about tokens. We had 20,000 in the store as of last month and today we have only 2,837 left. So like 16,000 tokens which equals $4,000.00 (at retail value) is missing.
I looked in my ass.. they weren't there. I haven't checked the asses of my other employees yet, but I am debating it. I even looked in my dryer and I couldn't find them there either. So I'm at a loss.
I know it looks bad. I am upset about it, too. I can't explain it and I had no idea they were gone -- even though I do know we always seem to be searching and trying to get tokens together for sale on busy Saturdays. However, that has been sorta par for the course since I arrived so I didn't put much added thought into it.
I've fired most of the poison employees and only have a few more to get rid of. I am ontop of my management staff, am re-training (yet again) my line employees, working on marketing partnerships to increase business and trying to think of a legal way to slander the rat (Chuck E.) to pull their customers into my park.... and now I have to worry about my job security over 16,000 missing tokens which is obviously an inhouse theft issue.
I need to find better employees but I am not in the best place for that. Not that where I am is exactly bad, but the mentality kinda is. Oh well... I'll figure it out somehow.
I'd much rather be in San Juan, under a palm tree drinking a margarita, while I figure it out -- but I guess that will need to wait for a bit.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Do you know what it feels like..?
So, I am driving to the bank and I hear a woman on the radio (105.1 wava) hardly able to speak. Afraid and crying. Asking 'how do you die with courage?' and saying she is afraid that God abandoned her.
A neurological disorder is causing her to waste away and her mother, now dead, is no longer there to help her. She's by herself, with no one able to care... wasting away.
And my heart aches for her. This stranger. Nothing more than a voice breaking the silence of my ride. An ability, a motion, a thought... all taken for granted.
I think back to my own fears and my own neurological issues - knowing the same can happen, but being thankful that I've been blessed enough that it hasn't. Not yet.
My mind races... what can I do? How can I help a stranger? I'm not in the position to help -- I have my own mother that relies on me and I can barely handle the weight of that.
My heart, however, doesn't let go of the emotions her voice caused me and my mind replays her voice.
I think about the 'fat girl' that everyone makes fun of. Who is laughed at and made fun of at her expense. Sometimes aware, but often not, that she is being used as a joke. I watch her laugh or shrug off the comments she's aware of -- and I wonder how often she cries when alone.
What about 'Jackie?' The homeless woman who stands outside of the nightclub, asking for someone to help her. While countless drunken idiots who, with nothing nice to say, could simply ignore her -- yet they are abrasive, combative, and demeaning.
Where does she go as they walk off with their next trick. To snort their drugs, drink their alcohol, and fuck without concern for the woman standing helpless on the corner.
Without compassion, we are nothing.
.... that should be a t-shirt for New Yorkers.
In other news, I went ahead and did it. I decided to get the Cooper. Not that any of you (whoever 'you' are) knew that I wanted one, but I did. Below is the little beast that will be terrorizing neighborhoods near you soon.
A neurological disorder is causing her to waste away and her mother, now dead, is no longer there to help her. She's by herself, with no one able to care... wasting away.
And my heart aches for her. This stranger. Nothing more than a voice breaking the silence of my ride. An ability, a motion, a thought... all taken for granted.
I think back to my own fears and my own neurological issues - knowing the same can happen, but being thankful that I've been blessed enough that it hasn't. Not yet.
My mind races... what can I do? How can I help a stranger? I'm not in the position to help -- I have my own mother that relies on me and I can barely handle the weight of that.
My heart, however, doesn't let go of the emotions her voice caused me and my mind replays her voice.
I think about the 'fat girl' that everyone makes fun of. Who is laughed at and made fun of at her expense. Sometimes aware, but often not, that she is being used as a joke. I watch her laugh or shrug off the comments she's aware of -- and I wonder how often she cries when alone.
What about 'Jackie?' The homeless woman who stands outside of the nightclub, asking for someone to help her. While countless drunken idiots who, with nothing nice to say, could simply ignore her -- yet they are abrasive, combative, and demeaning.
Where does she go as they walk off with their next trick. To snort their drugs, drink their alcohol, and fuck without concern for the woman standing helpless on the corner.
Without compassion, we are nothing.
.... that should be a t-shirt for New Yorkers.
In other news, I went ahead and did it. I decided to get the Cooper. Not that any of you (whoever 'you' are) knew that I wanted one, but I did. Below is the little beast that will be terrorizing neighborhoods near you soon.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
1.5 Million Lawsuit? Please...
Okay, so just when I think my life is boring something comes along and has to shake it up again and remind me that I am Jason.
Today I was served with a 1.5 Mil lawsuit from an incident back in August of 05.
1.5 Million... um, hold on let me check my savings account... Oops! $19.95 .. I hope they want to settle for that.
So back in August around 10:30pm I was leaving my house to go visit Rebecca for a cup of coffee. As I was at the end of my road, begining to pull out onto the main road, I heard this little lawn mower sound and noticed a scooter (which wasn't there before) coming over the hill. I slammed on my breaks (not even making it off my street and onto the main road) and he, having seen me, got scared and slammed on his breaks too. This caused him to flip over the handle bars and skid down the street a bit.
I was in a panick. Cars were stopping, I called 911 (several times), called my friend who was a block away waiting on me to come, and it was pure chaos. The police came, EMTs, the works. However, the man (who appeared drunk) declined any medical service (he only had some minor cuts) and after the police talked to everyone .. the 'accident' was considered no fault and we all went on our way.
About two weeks went by and I got a letter from an attorney retained by the scooter driver demanding my insurance information. I called and told him (the attorney) 'fuck you,' I am not turning over my insurance information to someone when there was no fault involved. Go raise someone elses' premium jackass.
Now, almost a year later, I receive court papers for a trial by jury in the amount of 1.5m because..
"Defendant operated his vehicle in a negligent and careless manner by entering the intersection when it was not safe to do so then stopping in the intersection. Which caused the plaintiff to abruptly stop his vehicle to avoid the collision causing the plaintiff to fly over the handlebars of his scooter in a projectile motion."
Umm, okay, the intersection isn't on my street jackass. I am so disgusted.. it's jackasses like this which cause everyone to have insane insurance premiums and who fuck the system. More research indicates he lives in a low-income neighborhood in a 70,000.00 house... so yeah, I am sure he'd love to get some free money.
Oh well... go ahead and underestimate who you attempt to sue with incorrect claims and bullshit. I plan on riding this out... this is one time I am determined to NOT be taken advantage of by some fuck.
Grrrr!
Today I was served with a 1.5 Mil lawsuit from an incident back in August of 05.
1.5 Million... um, hold on let me check my savings account... Oops! $19.95 .. I hope they want to settle for that.
So back in August around 10:30pm I was leaving my house to go visit Rebecca for a cup of coffee. As I was at the end of my road, begining to pull out onto the main road, I heard this little lawn mower sound and noticed a scooter (which wasn't there before) coming over the hill. I slammed on my breaks (not even making it off my street and onto the main road) and he, having seen me, got scared and slammed on his breaks too. This caused him to flip over the handle bars and skid down the street a bit.
I was in a panick. Cars were stopping, I called 911 (several times), called my friend who was a block away waiting on me to come, and it was pure chaos. The police came, EMTs, the works. However, the man (who appeared drunk) declined any medical service (he only had some minor cuts) and after the police talked to everyone .. the 'accident' was considered no fault and we all went on our way.
About two weeks went by and I got a letter from an attorney retained by the scooter driver demanding my insurance information. I called and told him (the attorney) 'fuck you,' I am not turning over my insurance information to someone when there was no fault involved. Go raise someone elses' premium jackass.
Now, almost a year later, I receive court papers for a trial by jury in the amount of 1.5m because..
"Defendant operated his vehicle in a negligent and careless manner by entering the intersection when it was not safe to do so then stopping in the intersection. Which caused the plaintiff to abruptly stop his vehicle to avoid the collision causing the plaintiff to fly over the handlebars of his scooter in a projectile motion."
Umm, okay, the intersection isn't on my street jackass. I am so disgusted.. it's jackasses like this which cause everyone to have insane insurance premiums and who fuck the system. More research indicates he lives in a low-income neighborhood in a 70,000.00 house... so yeah, I am sure he'd love to get some free money.
Oh well... go ahead and underestimate who you attempt to sue with incorrect claims and bullshit. I plan on riding this out... this is one time I am determined to NOT be taken advantage of by some fuck.
Grrrr!
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Strong inside?
Where are the days of living life with reckless abandon?
Every morning a new adventure and every night another journey to take.
Perhaps it is time to pay my dues...
Or did I just take too much?
I got exactly what I asked for...
Now alone.
I have changed my mind.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
How would you like me to compensate you...?
I have felt so detached from everything lately! I had my cell phone stolen from work a week (?) ago [of course not as bad as having your car stolen..] and been without my cable modem service for about as long.
While not having my cell phone has created a peaceful silence ... the lack of contact with friends has not been as pleasant.
Things at work have gone from horribly stressful to being a bit more tolerable. I've been able to hire on some of the old management staff and am in the process (as of this Friday) of removing over 20 of my employees who are nothing more than a poison to my goals.
Inch by inch the park is coming together, straightening up, and taking on a more attractive look. Games are 80% operational (a huge improvement) and complaints are way down... while sales begin to rise again.
Part of me wants to sit back and feel proud of the minor accomplishment and the approval from corporate... but I am afraid that one moment of feeling proud will result in a sudden downfall of what little accomplishments I've been able to create thus far.
I seem to live and sleep work now - something very new to me. Not that I am lazy or am not interested in working, but going from almost two years of not having to work and then suddenly having to bust my ass seven days a week for sixteen + hour days... it can fuck with you.
My house is a wreck, I look older - worn, I haven't done laundry in weeks....
I think about where I was and what I was working on. The websites, the expectations, the people who knew I had something coming - who now will not see anything arrive. I toss around the ideas of putting the sites online that I had begun work on, but then I can't say my heart is with them anymore.
I'm not sure where my heart is at anymore. As grounded as I feel right now -- I feel just a little lost. A little overwhelmed and unsure.
I've lost interest in meeting people. No desire for someone in my life at the moment other than friends and family. Luckily my roommate provides me with a nice amount of platonic physical affection - it counters any feeling of lonliness I may have, when I have the time to feel lonely.
It's 5:00am ... I've been online researching and emailing about things for work. I need to sleep, so I can get up in 4 hours ... get a haircut, run to the bank, and back into work to complete paperwork that I've neglected for the week. I am not a paper pusher -- I am more creative based.
Damn the paperwork.
What I wouldn't give right now for a warm sun, a nice breeze, and a palm tree...
However, I'll settle for seeing people walk through my doors... their eyes wide and excited with parents in tow. It's amazing how life flows... it may seem that you are thrown about without any true direction or control...
but I've realized that it is not about control or even direction .. guidance is silent and surprising.
I've always wanted to touch the lives of people ... to leave a lasting mark. Now I do it daily with children and their parents. It was never how I saw that want, but it's being fulfilled all the same.
While not having my cell phone has created a peaceful silence ... the lack of contact with friends has not been as pleasant.
Things at work have gone from horribly stressful to being a bit more tolerable. I've been able to hire on some of the old management staff and am in the process (as of this Friday) of removing over 20 of my employees who are nothing more than a poison to my goals.
Inch by inch the park is coming together, straightening up, and taking on a more attractive look. Games are 80% operational (a huge improvement) and complaints are way down... while sales begin to rise again.
Part of me wants to sit back and feel proud of the minor accomplishment and the approval from corporate... but I am afraid that one moment of feeling proud will result in a sudden downfall of what little accomplishments I've been able to create thus far.
I seem to live and sleep work now - something very new to me. Not that I am lazy or am not interested in working, but going from almost two years of not having to work and then suddenly having to bust my ass seven days a week for sixteen + hour days... it can fuck with you.
My house is a wreck, I look older - worn, I haven't done laundry in weeks....
I think about where I was and what I was working on. The websites, the expectations, the people who knew I had something coming - who now will not see anything arrive. I toss around the ideas of putting the sites online that I had begun work on, but then I can't say my heart is with them anymore.
I'm not sure where my heart is at anymore. As grounded as I feel right now -- I feel just a little lost. A little overwhelmed and unsure.
I've lost interest in meeting people. No desire for someone in my life at the moment other than friends and family. Luckily my roommate provides me with a nice amount of platonic physical affection - it counters any feeling of lonliness I may have, when I have the time to feel lonely.
It's 5:00am ... I've been online researching and emailing about things for work. I need to sleep, so I can get up in 4 hours ... get a haircut, run to the bank, and back into work to complete paperwork that I've neglected for the week. I am not a paper pusher -- I am more creative based.
Damn the paperwork.
What I wouldn't give right now for a warm sun, a nice breeze, and a palm tree...
However, I'll settle for seeing people walk through my doors... their eyes wide and excited with parents in tow. It's amazing how life flows... it may seem that you are thrown about without any true direction or control...
but I've realized that it is not about control or even direction .. guidance is silent and surprising.
I've always wanted to touch the lives of people ... to leave a lasting mark. Now I do it daily with children and their parents. It was never how I saw that want, but it's being fulfilled all the same.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I like the taste of you... better.
It's almost 4am and I am not tired. Well, no, I am tired - just not in a physical sense. I think part of me is craving human contact. I get tons of human contact, mostly unwanted by ghetto fucking kids and their parents, at work -- but I need substance human contact.
It's funny.. I'm never satisfied. I bitch when my phone rings every five minutes from a different person trying to hang out or hook up, I bitch when I go out and meet people, and then I turn around and bitch that I have no contact with anyone since this job.
Okay, fine. Maybe I am not easy to satisfy. Hell, I thought I was. I am pretty damn simple after all.
I will say that I am starting to miss the traveling and nightly going out. I am begining to get that 'trapped' feeling again - which is not good - cause then I start looking for a way out or someplace to go... something to break the routine. I hate routines.
Dogs, cats, fish, and mormons have routines. I need variety and excitement.
So while I can sometimes enjoy someone strapping a collar to my neck and taking me for a walk -- I need to fly. Somewhere that has palm trees is preferred.
That's all for now -- this wasted a good three minutes. I needed something to do. I will write more when something exciting happens. ;)
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Can you handle the ride? I can...
My life has been such an amazing journey. I feel peace in knowing that I have experienced it, have lived, that I've let go of the wheel and taken the ride for all it could be worth. Love, pain, happiness, loss, richness, destituteness, fears and having been fearless. To have touched the stars and fallen beneath the earth.
And yet while I ride out the journey.. while I experience the lows and highs of what life has given me and what I have taken hold of and brought from it .. I am always motivated and excited about the rebirth and the next experiences that are waiting for me.
There is no satisfaction in standing still, unless it is to catch your breath and begin to run again.
So now I look at the new journey ahead of me. The new job, the older projects on hold, and where I will end up next. Together, single, rich, poor ... here or somewhere new... it will be fun to explore.
The pages are now blank and the journey has begun again.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Nobody's perfect...
It's amazing what surprises life will bring you...
Last Wednesday I received a telephone call from the place where my last boyfriend was General Manager. It seems that since his death the store had taken a turn for the worse and the sales were not doing very well. The president of the company called me in to give her my 'opinions' and 'suggestions' for making the store successful again... and so I went. The place holds special meaning for me anyway.
The store was in bad shape. Obviously poor General Managers after my boyfriend. Nothing that cannot be corrected.
So we talked and talked... then she turns to the stores current district manager and says "Meet the new General Manager" and offered me a job.. at a rather impressive salary which was shocking.
So, I took it. It matters to me. Even though it is somewhat surreal and a little morbid that my dead boyfriend was GM there -- I took it to make it the way he had it. To see it bringing in 400-600k a year net profits again.
Thus the work began and I am happy to say in only one week sales are over last years. It's simple. The place isn't rocket science. It's established, profitable, and easy to work with.
This past Friday I met with the president again at another one of the stores.
We talked, went over new food samples, and just discussed where the stores had been in the formation of the company to where they are now. The company expanded too quick, acquired too much debt, and is now in a state where it needs to sell of the stores. So the stores are being sold to individuals, who are making out on the awesome concept and the fact that they are already established.
Then the next shocker hit me... she offered me to buy John's (my dead boyfriends) store. 700K financed by the company over a six year period, the other 300k down.
...yeah ummm there goes that because I think I have $93.89 in my bank account at the moment.
Potential buyers were in today... some jackass from New Jersey. I hope he hated it - I want that store fuckers.
Better me than some yahoo from NJ that knows nothing about it. Oh well.... everything for a reason. So I wonder where the reason is in all this?
I will keep going with it, to see what happens, working seven days a week to see the store succeed. The people that knew my boyfriend just stare.... I think they feel the same way I do. It's like he's walking around there again (we look a lot alike) -- it's strange and yet comforting at the same time.
The only true success in life are the positive impacts left on those you meet. Not money, not material things.. there is an impact left there and I will hopefully see to it that it remains.
Last Wednesday I received a telephone call from the place where my last boyfriend was General Manager. It seems that since his death the store had taken a turn for the worse and the sales were not doing very well. The president of the company called me in to give her my 'opinions' and 'suggestions' for making the store successful again... and so I went. The place holds special meaning for me anyway.
The store was in bad shape. Obviously poor General Managers after my boyfriend. Nothing that cannot be corrected.
So we talked and talked... then she turns to the stores current district manager and says "Meet the new General Manager" and offered me a job.. at a rather impressive salary which was shocking.
So, I took it. It matters to me. Even though it is somewhat surreal and a little morbid that my dead boyfriend was GM there -- I took it to make it the way he had it. To see it bringing in 400-600k a year net profits again.
Thus the work began and I am happy to say in only one week sales are over last years. It's simple. The place isn't rocket science. It's established, profitable, and easy to work with.
This past Friday I met with the president again at another one of the stores.
We talked, went over new food samples, and just discussed where the stores had been in the formation of the company to where they are now. The company expanded too quick, acquired too much debt, and is now in a state where it needs to sell of the stores. So the stores are being sold to individuals, who are making out on the awesome concept and the fact that they are already established.
Then the next shocker hit me... she offered me to buy John's (my dead boyfriends) store. 700K financed by the company over a six year period, the other 300k down.
...yeah ummm there goes that because I think I have $93.89 in my bank account at the moment.
Potential buyers were in today... some jackass from New Jersey. I hope he hated it - I want that store fuckers.
Better me than some yahoo from NJ that knows nothing about it. Oh well.... everything for a reason. So I wonder where the reason is in all this?
I will keep going with it, to see what happens, working seven days a week to see the store succeed. The people that knew my boyfriend just stare.... I think they feel the same way I do. It's like he's walking around there again (we look a lot alike) -- it's strange and yet comforting at the same time.
The only true success in life are the positive impacts left on those you meet. Not money, not material things.. there is an impact left there and I will hopefully see to it that it remains.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
I am going to tell you about date rape...
I cannot count the number of times I've heard people say, in reference to a girl who was date raped, that she 'deserved it' because of how she dressed or behaved.
I cannot count the number of times that I've said the same thing.
What you don't hear a lot about are the guys who are raped. Straight, bi, gay .. doesn't matter. You just rarely ever hear about it. Easy answer.. male pride. How many guys want to say "some dude raped me."
I would never want to, but I have.
I wonder if the chances of being hit by lightening twice reflect at all upon the chances of being raped twice? Or maybe I just 'ask' for it.
I remember the first time vividly. I was in my early twenties spending a few weeks at my parents condo in Ocean City, Maryland. As I always do in OC, I was sitting on the boardwalk at about 2:00am on a Saturday night. That's the best time to watch the hot, fucked up dudes walking back from the bars and acting stupid (sexy).
I was sitting there, smoking and minding my own business - lost in a sea of hotness - when a short, muscular, shirtless guy in basketball shorts approached me and asked for a cigarette.
He was obviously drunk, around my own age and beyond hot. As I was giving him a cigarette I looked down and woah! The dude was standing there with a hardon pressing out the leg of his shorts. So now we have me (gay and bored) talking to a built, ripped up, hot, hard straight guy....
So, of course, the talking begins. Ask him where he was, what he was up to, and what was up with the hardon. The questions inquiring minds wanna know at 2:00am in OC.
According to his story -- his girlfriend didn't want to fuck, he did, and she tossed him out of the hotel. He was drunk, horney, and bored. We had a little in common.
Somehow the conversation ended up with him wanting to come back to my condo for a blowjob and off we went.
To make a long story short - midway thru the blowjob he decided he wanted to fuck me. I don't get fucked, just for the record. I said "Nah, that's not my thing." and he said "I wasn't asking you." After that he grabbed me, flipped me onto the couch, held me down, undressed me, and rammed his dick into my ass. His thick, huge, non lubed, non condomed dick into my ass.
Kept my head pushed down into a pillow to muffle sound and pounded away.
I fought for a bit and then just went limp. I relaxed wanting it to end and end quickly. I just lay there motionless, lifeless.
He cam (in my ass) got up, went to the refrigerator took some food and ate. While I slowly rolled to one side of the couch to begin to get up. After he ate, he came back and after patting me on the back (I guess I'm a tropper ..or maybe that is what he does to his bitchs) laid on the couch and fell asleep.
I could tell you all the things that ran through my mind, but it would take way too much time. I was afraid for my step-mother and step-sister -- what if I pissed him off or what if he simply came back, found them, and decided to do the same thing?
After what seemed like hours of deliberating I telephone two bartender friends of mine from Delaware who were big gym guys to come and remove him. I will always be grateful to both of them for their speed and determination in getting to the condo and literally picking him up and throwing him out.
It was also interesting later in that night (they decided to stay with me incase he returned) seeing the straight guy raper on the boardwalk with a group of his friends. The looks were priceless when my one friend yelled "You tell them you raped my boys ass last night faggot?"
Anyway... it was an experience I survived with little anquish. No STDs came from it, the pain went away, and I was able to place the experience away in my mind. No big deal, I guess.
Fast forward to now... this month...
Once again I hang with 90% straight guys. Most of my friends are straight and there are always those few straight dudes who are a little 'freaky.' I know a couple like that. Every now and then they want to fool around and hey ... I'm down for it. Might as well get some action somewhere.
But what do you call it when a straight dude you fool around with decides he is going to fuck you when you pass out drunk one night?
....date rape? rape? to some queen somewhere, "omg gurl that's sooooo hot!?'
No is no. The ability to not say yes is no.
Most importantly, I understand how it feels to be a girl and to hear people say "she deserved it."
I cannot count the number of times that I've said the same thing.
What you don't hear a lot about are the guys who are raped. Straight, bi, gay .. doesn't matter. You just rarely ever hear about it. Easy answer.. male pride. How many guys want to say "some dude raped me."
I would never want to, but I have.
I wonder if the chances of being hit by lightening twice reflect at all upon the chances of being raped twice? Or maybe I just 'ask' for it.
I remember the first time vividly. I was in my early twenties spending a few weeks at my parents condo in Ocean City, Maryland. As I always do in OC, I was sitting on the boardwalk at about 2:00am on a Saturday night. That's the best time to watch the hot, fucked up dudes walking back from the bars and acting stupid (sexy).
I was sitting there, smoking and minding my own business - lost in a sea of hotness - when a short, muscular, shirtless guy in basketball shorts approached me and asked for a cigarette.
He was obviously drunk, around my own age and beyond hot. As I was giving him a cigarette I looked down and woah! The dude was standing there with a hardon pressing out the leg of his shorts. So now we have me (gay and bored) talking to a built, ripped up, hot, hard straight guy....
So, of course, the talking begins. Ask him where he was, what he was up to, and what was up with the hardon. The questions inquiring minds wanna know at 2:00am in OC.
According to his story -- his girlfriend didn't want to fuck, he did, and she tossed him out of the hotel. He was drunk, horney, and bored. We had a little in common.
Somehow the conversation ended up with him wanting to come back to my condo for a blowjob and off we went.
To make a long story short - midway thru the blowjob he decided he wanted to fuck me. I don't get fucked, just for the record. I said "Nah, that's not my thing." and he said "I wasn't asking you." After that he grabbed me, flipped me onto the couch, held me down, undressed me, and rammed his dick into my ass. His thick, huge, non lubed, non condomed dick into my ass.
Kept my head pushed down into a pillow to muffle sound and pounded away.
I fought for a bit and then just went limp. I relaxed wanting it to end and end quickly. I just lay there motionless, lifeless.
He cam (in my ass) got up, went to the refrigerator took some food and ate. While I slowly rolled to one side of the couch to begin to get up. After he ate, he came back and after patting me on the back (I guess I'm a tropper ..or maybe that is what he does to his bitchs) laid on the couch and fell asleep.
I could tell you all the things that ran through my mind, but it would take way too much time. I was afraid for my step-mother and step-sister -- what if I pissed him off or what if he simply came back, found them, and decided to do the same thing?
After what seemed like hours of deliberating I telephone two bartender friends of mine from Delaware who were big gym guys to come and remove him. I will always be grateful to both of them for their speed and determination in getting to the condo and literally picking him up and throwing him out.
It was also interesting later in that night (they decided to stay with me incase he returned) seeing the straight guy raper on the boardwalk with a group of his friends. The looks were priceless when my one friend yelled "You tell them you raped my boys ass last night faggot?"
Anyway... it was an experience I survived with little anquish. No STDs came from it, the pain went away, and I was able to place the experience away in my mind. No big deal, I guess.
Fast forward to now... this month...
Once again I hang with 90% straight guys. Most of my friends are straight and there are always those few straight dudes who are a little 'freaky.' I know a couple like that. Every now and then they want to fool around and hey ... I'm down for it. Might as well get some action somewhere.
But what do you call it when a straight dude you fool around with decides he is going to fuck you when you pass out drunk one night?
....date rape? rape? to some queen somewhere, "omg gurl that's sooooo hot!?'
No is no. The ability to not say yes is no.
Most importantly, I understand how it feels to be a girl and to hear people say "she deserved it."
Friday, January 06, 2006
The enjoyment of casual friendships..
Today, while recovering from my night out with Mike, I couldn't help but smile and enjoy a moment of that warm fuzzy feeling.
You see, I've never been one to remain friends with someone that I've dated and not had it work out. I am not saying that is the best (or most mature) mentality to take, but usually if something doesn't work out there is often a 'bad' reason attached to it. So why make that a part of my life?
Mike is the first exception to that rule and the one that has made me re-evaluate my stance on X's as friends.
Even better is the enjoyment of a casual friendship. You call when something strikes you to call, you see each other when the urge arises, and there are really no expectations or obligations. If you don't talk for a week or a month - it's cool.
Yet, should you need to vent.. have a problem.. need some help -- you know they are there to have your back.
Nice, very nice.
;)
You see, I've never been one to remain friends with someone that I've dated and not had it work out. I am not saying that is the best (or most mature) mentality to take, but usually if something doesn't work out there is often a 'bad' reason attached to it. So why make that a part of my life?
Mike is the first exception to that rule and the one that has made me re-evaluate my stance on X's as friends.
Even better is the enjoyment of a casual friendship. You call when something strikes you to call, you see each other when the urge arises, and there are really no expectations or obligations. If you don't talk for a week or a month - it's cool.
Yet, should you need to vent.. have a problem.. need some help -- you know they are there to have your back.
Nice, very nice.
;)
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
When I was young the fairy tales sounded so good..
Now that I am older I understand what fairy tales mean... those dreams that fill your head as you listen to the stories with happy endings.. they are just that, 'tales.'
There is no knight in shining armor, happy endings are a fleeting moment, and you cannot always be what it is you want to be. These are just stories...
It will always rain more than the sun shines...
...but isn't that why we learn to appreciate the sun?
I've learned to appreciate the sun even when it doesn't shine. I've also learned to appreciate the pain that life brings, because it makes every moment of happiness - no matter how fleeting - just that much more special.
I've learned to accept myself, my defects, and to love myself for who I am - regardless of what others may say about me.
In the end, the only thing we have is ourselves. There is nothing more important than what is in your heart - everything else will come and go -- but what is inside of you will last throughout eternity.
I've read through many of my posts here. At my excitement at meeting different people and my sorrow when those people did not turn out as expected. I am starting to learn to embrace the emptiness and loneliness of this journey. To understand each person brings with them a lesson, be it good or bad, and that those moments hold the prospect for happiness tomorrow.
My experiences with ThunderCat turned out to be one of those lessons. I thought I was a friend, I thought this person had an interest in me (they were the ones that portrayed it that way) ... and even when I learned they didn't -- I was happy with the friendship and therefore, I continued to give.
Now I know that I was convienence, I was an ATM Machine, I was anything but a friend.
One more person to vote off the Island, I guess. ;)
Am I hurt? No...
Angry? Not anymore...
Disappointed? I've let that go....
This journey is a mystery and I love that mystery. I love the challenges, the chaos, the laughter and the tears that it brings. I hold fast to the fact that God gives me these hurdles and each of them has a necessary place in my life. They are all blessings, even if the blessing is disquised.
So the next time my sun is clouded over and the rain begins to fall - I will outstretch my hands and tilt my head back to take the rain in. To feel it fall against my body and to taste it, because the sun will shine again.
There is no knight in shining armor, happy endings are a fleeting moment, and you cannot always be what it is you want to be. These are just stories...
It will always rain more than the sun shines...
...but isn't that why we learn to appreciate the sun?
I've learned to appreciate the sun even when it doesn't shine. I've also learned to appreciate the pain that life brings, because it makes every moment of happiness - no matter how fleeting - just that much more special.
I've learned to accept myself, my defects, and to love myself for who I am - regardless of what others may say about me.
In the end, the only thing we have is ourselves. There is nothing more important than what is in your heart - everything else will come and go -- but what is inside of you will last throughout eternity.
I've read through many of my posts here. At my excitement at meeting different people and my sorrow when those people did not turn out as expected. I am starting to learn to embrace the emptiness and loneliness of this journey. To understand each person brings with them a lesson, be it good or bad, and that those moments hold the prospect for happiness tomorrow.
My experiences with ThunderCat turned out to be one of those lessons. I thought I was a friend, I thought this person had an interest in me (they were the ones that portrayed it that way) ... and even when I learned they didn't -- I was happy with the friendship and therefore, I continued to give.
Now I know that I was convienence, I was an ATM Machine, I was anything but a friend.
One more person to vote off the Island, I guess. ;)
Am I hurt? No...
Angry? Not anymore...
Disappointed? I've let that go....
This journey is a mystery and I love that mystery. I love the challenges, the chaos, the laughter and the tears that it brings. I hold fast to the fact that God gives me these hurdles and each of them has a necessary place in my life. They are all blessings, even if the blessing is disquised.
So the next time my sun is clouded over and the rain begins to fall - I will outstretch my hands and tilt my head back to take the rain in. To feel it fall against my body and to taste it, because the sun will shine again.
Friday, November 25, 2005
All I want for Christmas...
Wow Thanksgiving is already over. Another year has almost come and gone -- crazy isn't it? I leave for Europe in just twelve days and when I get back it will only be seven days until Christmas. The year is just zipping by....
My Europe trip will be fun, I am sure, even if it isn't exactly what I had wanted it to be. There will be no romantic dinner in Italy, a shy smile, a note passed, and the sharing of thoughts and feelings for a possible future. It's okay, however, I will enjoy myself either way and the company I am taking will prove to be enjoyable - I've no doubt.
Sometimes after the drama of things calm down and I'm level headed again -- I sit back and smile. I don't break under pressure and disappointment. That strength, that I often don't think I have, yet always surfaces when I need it the most is what keeps me going.
So I was thinking ... what do I want for Christmas. I have beautiful friends, a family that while a bit out there is tolerable and means well .... I'll cook a ton of food, put up a big tree and decorate it with my mother and best friend Becca.
The only thing I'd like to see is someone beneath the tree waiting on me. I don't even mean that in the terms of a boyfriend. I mean it in a more intimate and cozy way -- someone happy to see me, that I can lay against and just enjoy the moment... to open a present with... to laugh. I'd love to see Cjames under my tree -- that would be the most beautiful present.
I am planning to make a surprise trip out to SLC to see him soon. If anyone has captured my heart in a manner that is everlasting - it is him. Such a special, special, extra special, special guy. ;)
Oh well .. it'll all come together. I am somewhat content at the moment. The site is coming alone (one of them) and it won't be long before we're pressing forward and launching...
Woohoo...
I'll keep ya alls posted
Jason
My Europe trip will be fun, I am sure, even if it isn't exactly what I had wanted it to be. There will be no romantic dinner in Italy, a shy smile, a note passed, and the sharing of thoughts and feelings for a possible future. It's okay, however, I will enjoy myself either way and the company I am taking will prove to be enjoyable - I've no doubt.
Sometimes after the drama of things calm down and I'm level headed again -- I sit back and smile. I don't break under pressure and disappointment. That strength, that I often don't think I have, yet always surfaces when I need it the most is what keeps me going.
So I was thinking ... what do I want for Christmas. I have beautiful friends, a family that while a bit out there is tolerable and means well .... I'll cook a ton of food, put up a big tree and decorate it with my mother and best friend Becca.
The only thing I'd like to see is someone beneath the tree waiting on me. I don't even mean that in the terms of a boyfriend. I mean it in a more intimate and cozy way -- someone happy to see me, that I can lay against and just enjoy the moment... to open a present with... to laugh. I'd love to see Cjames under my tree -- that would be the most beautiful present.
I am planning to make a surprise trip out to SLC to see him soon. If anyone has captured my heart in a manner that is everlasting - it is him. Such a special, special, extra special, special guy. ;)
Oh well .. it'll all come together. I am somewhat content at the moment. The site is coming alone (one of them) and it won't be long before we're pressing forward and launching...
Woohoo...
I'll keep ya alls posted
Jason
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Life Should Taste As Good As Jason..
And I can say that. I've tasted myself. Not quite as addictive as say a hostess hoho, devildog, or twinkie.. but still not too bad, either.
Not that I would dare to eat any of those things right now. I am starting to see results from being back in the gym again -- woohoo! -- and the last thing I wanna do is fuck that up. I need to get something more out of my $25.00 a month than just the enjoyment of the lockerroom.
The adult sites are moving quickly along. We should be done and online soon. I am still torn with it, but I have no choice but to push forward and do it now. Too much time and money invested at this point to back out. Moreso, too much pressure from the 'awaiting' public - which really boils down to .... too many people that know me, know I am doing this. I won't accept failure.
I'm just a modern day Robin Hood. Everything to a good end.
I am hoping that this manifests itself into what I need so that I can get outta here. I want away from Maryland. Hell, I really want away from the states as a whole. I'd like to spend some time living in Europe. A few countries are on my possible list, London being one of the dominate ones. I think London would suit my personality and my desire for things to be 'happening' all the time around me (ie: chaos) -- while providing places for peaceful times also.
Plus I wanna cash in on this lucrative pound/sterling ......
It's only two weeks (and a day or so) before ThunderCat and I goto Europe. Ahh.... I won't want to leave again, I already know that. Christmas shopping in Prague will be beautiful and another short hop over to Rome for an incredible caffe frida (sp) and a romantic stroll through beautiful piazzas and to touch things that have stood since Christ himself. Such an amazing city, full of life and passion.
But for now... here I sit in an office working away... everything is temporary and most everything is possible. Just how far are you willing to go to achieve those dreams is the question.. how much are you willing to sacrifice... how bad do you want it?
I want it more than Martha Stewart wants to conquer the world -- and that's a lot.
Not that I would dare to eat any of those things right now. I am starting to see results from being back in the gym again -- woohoo! -- and the last thing I wanna do is fuck that up. I need to get something more out of my $25.00 a month than just the enjoyment of the lockerroom.
The adult sites are moving quickly along. We should be done and online soon. I am still torn with it, but I have no choice but to push forward and do it now. Too much time and money invested at this point to back out. Moreso, too much pressure from the 'awaiting' public - which really boils down to .... too many people that know me, know I am doing this. I won't accept failure.
I'm just a modern day Robin Hood. Everything to a good end.
I am hoping that this manifests itself into what I need so that I can get outta here. I want away from Maryland. Hell, I really want away from the states as a whole. I'd like to spend some time living in Europe. A few countries are on my possible list, London being one of the dominate ones. I think London would suit my personality and my desire for things to be 'happening' all the time around me (ie: chaos) -- while providing places for peaceful times also.
Plus I wanna cash in on this lucrative pound/sterling ......
It's only two weeks (and a day or so) before ThunderCat
But for now... here I sit in an office working away... everything is temporary and most everything is possible. Just how far are you willing to go to achieve those dreams is the question.. how much are you willing to sacrifice... how bad do you want it?
I want it more than Martha Stewart wants to conquer the world -- and that's a lot.
I know you've been waiting..
but haven't we all been..? Waiting for something special, something different, something that makes our body vibrate to it's core -- something that makes us alive? I know you've been waiting and so have I.
A little excitement -- oh when it rains it pours. Something new, something old. Desire turned to lust, lust into depth... depth into emptiness and then the cycle begins again.
Give me the chaos.. I want to move in it, I want to feel it inside of me.
Make me scream.. time has stopped.
What am I? What was that? I cannot hear you --- it doesn't matter now. I'm out of control... I'm going all the way... I love this, give it to me.. don't be selfish with it.. you know I'll get what I want when all is said and done. I always do.
Shhhh.. don't speak. I can get your name tomorrow. I'll leave my number for you. Don't ruin the moment.
Watch out.. cause here I come.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
"The time has come," the Walrus said
"To talk of other things
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings
Calloo-Callay No work today!
We're cabbages and kings"
...and the time has come, I firmly believe, to turn the other way. To say no more, to feel no more, to let them have their way.
And while I wish for other things and slowly move ahead
I fake a smile, a simple nod, I always just pretend
That the sun is warm and bright....
And that is odd, because it is always the middle of the night.
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings
Calloo-Callay No work today!
We're cabbages and kings"
...and the time has come, I firmly believe, to turn the other way. To say no more, to feel no more, to let them have their way.
And while I wish for other things and slowly move ahead
I fake a smile, a simple nod, I always just pretend
That the sun is warm and bright....
And that is odd, because it is always the middle of the night.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
God? Are you watching this..?
I do not watch TV very often, if at all and I rarely read or listen to the news. I figure if something horrible is happening, someone I know will inform me.
However, now that I am working to support getting the new business online and to help finance my upcoming vacation, I have spent some time reading the news online -- when I've not been in the mood to work. ;)
What stands out to me is all this discord and the suicide bombings, etc. It turns my stomach and breaks my heart at the same time. Innocent lives, people without ties to this hatred and maybe even without political interests dead. Lives ruined, families disrupted.
What makes me sick about it, moreso than just the pointless death, is that these people use God and Religion to cloak themselves. They hide behind God and use him as a scapegoat for their actions.
Do you really think God needs you to accomplish anything?
I really don't care what belief system you adhere to, be it muslim, christian, or jew. God does not need you to kill people out of your own hatred to accomplish his goals.
You're human, like anyone else. You're not pure. You're a vile and evil killer ... your actions are self righteous and claim to speak for God, yet you are nothing more than a manifestation of Satan himself. Leading others astray to help carry out your hatred, your personal goals, and deceiving people as to the nature of God.
Do your thing, however. Take the lives of the innocent, speak for God (as you speak against him), and continue the path you've taken... believe to yourself that you will die a martyr.
It doesn't matter now.....
...in the end we will all be forced to see truth. We will all be judged and held accountable and your heart will be opened and you'll no longer be able to hide.
...in a heartbeat, you'll be able to explain to God how you killed his creations for your own good and how you used him to make it right.
...in a heartbeat, you'll find your place.
However, now that I am working to support getting the new business online and to help finance my upcoming vacation, I have spent some time reading the news online -- when I've not been in the mood to work. ;)
What stands out to me is all this discord and the suicide bombings, etc. It turns my stomach and breaks my heart at the same time. Innocent lives, people without ties to this hatred and maybe even without political interests dead. Lives ruined, families disrupted.
What makes me sick about it, moreso than just the pointless death, is that these people use God and Religion to cloak themselves. They hide behind God and use him as a scapegoat for their actions.
Do you really think God needs you to accomplish anything?
I really don't care what belief system you adhere to, be it muslim, christian, or jew. God does not need you to kill people out of your own hatred to accomplish his goals.
You're human, like anyone else. You're not pure. You're a vile and evil killer ... your actions are self righteous and claim to speak for God, yet you are nothing more than a manifestation of Satan himself. Leading others astray to help carry out your hatred, your personal goals, and deceiving people as to the nature of God.
Do your thing, however. Take the lives of the innocent, speak for God (as you speak against him), and continue the path you've taken... believe to yourself that you will die a martyr.
It doesn't matter now.....
...in the end we will all be forced to see truth. We will all be judged and held accountable and your heart will be opened and you'll no longer be able to hide.
...in a heartbeat, you'll be able to explain to God how you killed his creations for your own good and how you used him to make it right.
...in a heartbeat, you'll find your place.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
You lifted my soul and then you let it go
Often times I write about things that are sad, deep, or simply intense. Perhaps it seems as if I am not happy -- and perhaps I am not. Yet, I am blessed and I realize those blessings and embrace them with the anticipation and wide eyes of a child..
Perhaps I seem bi-polar... my posts would lead someone to think that way. However, they are often just a case-by-case, emotional rambling of what is on my mind..or in my heart at any given moment. Not always lasting, but with as much meaning as if they were a daily part of my life.
Mike was my inspiration for starting a blog. I was taken by his and by the reactions and interest of others into what he had to say. It's like reality tv .... in a way. I am happy to see Mike and I talk again -- not much -- but time to time. Despite what happened with us, I do like him ... it doesn't change.
That is me.
I am a guarantee to the people in my life. I am here and I always will be until I am no longer alive. I do not remove myself from the people who impact my heart, my mind, my life....or my soul. Instead I hold on .. and continue to hold through heartbreak, pain, and whatever sorrow may come. Life isn't fair -- I know that -- and I accept it while I despise it.
Once again I am here.... awake much later than I should be on a work night... and while the evening ended nicely - I am sad.
Maybe it isn't really sadness .. it's an emptiness. I am empty... lonely... I feel like there is no one there to hold my hand, to ask me how my day went, or to lend me their ear. I feel alone and it hurts me so deeply.
I've never strived to have the things in my life that others did. I didn't strive for the awesome career, to be the most popular, or to have the most 'toys' -- in all my life, for as long as I can remember, I've strived to be loved ... and to have someone to share all the things inside of me with. I've strived for someone who would accept me, even as defective as I am.
I have never found that. Even in the seven years I was with my deceased boyfriend -- I never really found that.
...and that... that is all I have ever wanted.
So as the people who pull at my heart and who give me joy slowly distance from me.. as hopeful relationships turn into nightmares... I am left with nothing but the reality of being alone.
I have friends.. I have people who care, but that doesn't fill the void. It is nice.. but not quite enough.
Maybe if you read my blog long enough -- something will change. Maybe I will be happy for longer than an hour, a day, or a week. Maybe... just maybe the one thing I have always longed for will happen.
Maybe I will learn to love myself more and not through the eyes or lips of a stranger...
Maybe, just maybe, I will realize that I am more than the rumors, the lies, and the deceit that spread like a virus when my back is turned...
Maybe someone will see into my eyes, into my soul, and they will realize who I am -- what I am -- and what truly matters.
Maybe in that moment I will be whole again.... until then, another song, another tear, another night without sleep... and another daybreak with a fake smile waiting -- as if I have no cares in the world.... just maybe.
I dont expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself, that my dreams will come true.
Being use to trouble I anticipate it, but all the same I hate it. Wouldn't you?
Time and time again I say that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
but every time it matters all my words desert me, so anyone can hurt me
and they do
Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well maybe not that fine... but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
but that's no consolation here and now.
... where am I going to?
Perhaps I seem bi-polar... my posts would lead someone to think that way. However, they are often just a case-by-case, emotional rambling of what is on my mind..or in my heart at any given moment. Not always lasting, but with as much meaning as if they were a daily part of my life.
Mike was my inspiration for starting a blog. I was taken by his and by the reactions and interest of others into what he had to say. It's like reality tv .... in a way. I am happy to see Mike and I talk again -- not much -- but time to time. Despite what happened with us, I do like him ... it doesn't change.
That is me.
I am a guarantee to the people in my life. I am here and I always will be until I am no longer alive. I do not remove myself from the people who impact my heart, my mind, my life....or my soul. Instead I hold on .. and continue to hold through heartbreak, pain, and whatever sorrow may come. Life isn't fair -- I know that -- and I accept it while I despise it.
Once again I am here.... awake much later than I should be on a work night... and while the evening ended nicely - I am sad.
Maybe it isn't really sadness .. it's an emptiness. I am empty... lonely... I feel like there is no one there to hold my hand, to ask me how my day went, or to lend me their ear. I feel alone and it hurts me so deeply.
I've never strived to have the things in my life that others did. I didn't strive for the awesome career, to be the most popular, or to have the most 'toys' -- in all my life, for as long as I can remember, I've strived to be loved ... and to have someone to share all the things inside of me with. I've strived for someone who would accept me, even as defective as I am.
I have never found that. Even in the seven years I was with my deceased boyfriend -- I never really found that.
...and that... that is all I have ever wanted.
So as the people who pull at my heart and who give me joy slowly distance from me.. as hopeful relationships turn into nightmares... I am left with nothing but the reality of being alone.
I have friends.. I have people who care, but that doesn't fill the void. It is nice.. but not quite enough.
Maybe if you read my blog long enough -- something will change. Maybe I will be happy for longer than an hour, a day, or a week. Maybe... just maybe the one thing I have always longed for will happen.
Maybe I will learn to love myself more and not through the eyes or lips of a stranger...
Maybe, just maybe, I will realize that I am more than the rumors, the lies, and the deceit that spread like a virus when my back is turned...
Maybe someone will see into my eyes, into my soul, and they will realize who I am -- what I am -- and what truly matters.
Maybe in that moment I will be whole again.... until then, another song, another tear, another night without sleep... and another daybreak with a fake smile waiting -- as if I have no cares in the world.... just maybe.
I dont expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself, that my dreams will come true.
Being use to trouble I anticipate it, but all the same I hate it. Wouldn't you?
Time and time again I say that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
but every time it matters all my words desert me, so anyone can hurt me
and they do
Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well maybe not that fine... but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
but that's no consolation here and now.
... where am I going to?
Monday, November 07, 2005
You wouldn't want to be me..
What a weekend. What a mindfuck. What a painful reality..
..but let me start backwards first and say how nice it was to know that in my 'disappearance' this weekend so many people were concerned with what happened to me. It's nice to know that people do care, even when I often wonder how many really do.
Months worth of emotions and experience was cram packed into one weekend. One weekend that I will certainly not forget -- at least not for quite some time.
I really don't even know where to start -- yet I still want to vent. I want to get it out, because as much as I am trying to not let it bother me, the events that unfolded are still on my mind.
In a nutshell I was lifted very high .. held there for a short period of time .. and dropped. Let go.. released. I fell hard, very hard. As much as I tried to act tuff and pretend that I was cool with it all -- I am devastated, torn, and broken.
So I dragged my broken self away from them ... to bed, alone. Cuddled on the edge of the bed, grasping a pillow and wanting to believe that everything I had just experienced was nothing more than a bad dream....
...in the morning, on the opposite side of the bed, there they were and I realized it was not all a bad dream. When their arm brushed against mine and was quickly moved away, another reminder of reality was given.
It doesn't matter the place they hold in my life. Friendship, lover, date, partner... labels are not important to me. The closeness, however, the closeness was and is. It gave me a peace and a happiness to lay next to them .. holding them or being held. It comforted me to rub their back or their hair....
But they are not "comfortable" -- I know what 'comfortable' means. I guess it's sweet when someone tries to not hurt your feelings by coating 'not so nice' with 'not as bad' wording.
Where were they a year and a half ago? When I may have been 'up to par' --- now I look at myself and I know that I'm currently below par. That will change, but not in time. Not soon enough to capture their interest.
Yet they enjoy me, like me, and I make them feel good and happy. They 'try' but they 'can't.'
They don't discuss their emotions well. I guess they really don't want to be to the point and blatantly hurt my feelings. How can you hurt me, when I am already hurt? When I hurt all the time - until I am with you. Then even you make me hurt. So why worry -- I'll take the pain, I'm a big boy ... just deliver it with total honesty.
I probably shouldn't like them at this point. I should be disgusted and angry. I am a little bit of both, but I still like them. That's my defect, I guess.... if I like you - I like you. It's pretty cut and dry. If I like you in a way that's rare for me, than it takes even more for my emotions to shift and change.
The mixed signals are a mindfuck. The last two days were a mindfuck. I want to know what is really in their mind.. inside of them. I don't know if I ever will...
..but let me start backwards first and say how nice it was to know that in my 'disappearance' this weekend so many people were concerned with what happened to me. It's nice to know that people do care, even when I often wonder how many really do.
Months worth of emotions and experience was cram packed into one weekend. One weekend that I will certainly not forget -- at least not for quite some time.
I really don't even know where to start -- yet I still want to vent. I want to get it out, because as much as I am trying to not let it bother me, the events that unfolded are still on my mind.
In a nutshell I was lifted very high .. held there for a short period of time .. and dropped. Let go.. released. I fell hard, very hard. As much as I tried to act tuff and pretend that I was cool with it all -- I am devastated, torn, and broken.
So I dragged my broken self away from them ... to bed, alone. Cuddled on the edge of the bed, grasping a pillow and wanting to believe that everything I had just experienced was nothing more than a bad dream....
...in the morning, on the opposite side of the bed, there they were and I realized it was not all a bad dream. When their arm brushed against mine and was quickly moved away, another reminder of reality was given.
It doesn't matter the place they hold in my life. Friendship, lover, date, partner... labels are not important to me. The closeness, however, the closeness was and is. It gave me a peace and a happiness to lay next to them .. holding them or being held. It comforted me to rub their back or their hair....
But they are not "comfortable" -- I know what 'comfortable' means. I guess it's sweet when someone tries to not hurt your feelings by coating 'not so nice' with 'not as bad' wording.
Where were they a year and a half ago? When I may have been 'up to par' --- now I look at myself and I know that I'm currently below par. That will change, but not in time. Not soon enough to capture their interest.
Yet they enjoy me, like me, and I make them feel good and happy. They 'try' but they 'can't.'
They don't discuss their emotions well. I guess they really don't want to be to the point and blatantly hurt my feelings. How can you hurt me, when I am already hurt? When I hurt all the time - until I am with you. Then even you make me hurt. So why worry -- I'll take the pain, I'm a big boy ... just deliver it with total honesty.
I probably shouldn't like them at this point. I should be disgusted and angry. I am a little bit of both, but I still like them. That's my defect, I guess.... if I like you - I like you. It's pretty cut and dry. If I like you in a way that's rare for me, than it takes even more for my emotions to shift and change.
The mixed signals are a mindfuck. The last two days were a mindfuck. I want to know what is really in their mind.. inside of them. I don't know if I ever will...
Friday, November 04, 2005
Silence can be golden...
I haven't written much lately. Not because things haven't been going on, things are always going on, but simply to take a time out and reorganize some thoughts and feelings.
Due to the costs of this new business venture - or renewed business venture - I am back to the 9-5 grind. Not too crazy about it, but I haven't much choice. Between three upcoming trips and the business -- the extra income is a must have.
I made the decision to take TC with me to Prague and Rome. That trip is just about four weeks away and I'm starting to feel the anxiety. I prefer to travel alone, but I like this dude and the look on his face when I offered was ... well it was just a look that you don't easily forget. So I get him alone for eight nights ... on a whirlwind trip between countries. If it makes him happy, awesome. He makes me happy and he doesn't even realize it.
To say I am extreme is probably an understatement. I am sure a couple of my close friends and people I've dated can attest to that. It's part of my personality -- I am not half ass about anything and if I like you .. I wanna do shit.. go places.. have fun.
I also tend to express myself in those ways. Which can sometimes be misunderstood. I can understand that, though. It's easy to question peoples motives for the things they do or give -- we all know that 80%+ people suck.
Well this will have to be my short dose of ramblings for now. I am back at work, business is progessing slowly but surely, I get to go away with someone that is 'kick ass,' and all is well.
Due to the costs of this new business venture - or renewed business venture - I am back to the 9-5 grind. Not too crazy about it, but I haven't much choice. Between three upcoming trips and the business -- the extra income is a must have.
I made the decision to take TC with me to Prague and Rome. That trip is just about four weeks away and I'm starting to feel the anxiety. I prefer to travel alone, but I like this dude and the look on his face when I offered was ... well it was just a look that you don't easily forget. So I get him alone for eight nights ... on a whirlwind trip between countries. If it makes him happy, awesome. He makes me happy and he doesn't even realize it.
To say I am extreme is probably an understatement. I am sure a couple of my close friends and people I've dated can attest to that. It's part of my personality -- I am not half ass about anything and if I like you .. I wanna do shit.. go places.. have fun.
I also tend to express myself in those ways. Which can sometimes be misunderstood. I can understand that, though. It's easy to question peoples motives for the things they do or give -- we all know that 80%+ people suck.
Well this will have to be my short dose of ramblings for now. I am back at work, business is progessing slowly but surely, I get to go away with someone that is 'kick ass,' and all is well.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Wouldn't it be better if I loved you less...?
Sometimes maybe it would be better if you loved me less...
These are my hands but what can they give me
These are my eyes but they cannot see
These are my arms but they don't know tenderness
and I must confess that I am usually drawn to sadness - and lonliness has never been a stranger to me, but love tried to welcome me.. but my soul drew back. Guilty of lust and sin, loved tried to take me in...
These are my lips but they whisper sorrow
This is my voice but it's telling lies
I know how to act, but I don't know happiness and I must confess
instead of spring its always winter and my heart has always been a lonely hunter...
Still love tried to welcome me, but my soul drew back. I was covered with dust and sin...
Love tried to take me in
Love tried to break me.
ahh... the joys of music.
These are my hands but what can they give me
These are my eyes but they cannot see
These are my arms but they don't know tenderness
and I must confess that I am usually drawn to sadness - and lonliness has never been a stranger to me, but love tried to welcome me.. but my soul drew back. Guilty of lust and sin, loved tried to take me in...
These are my lips but they whisper sorrow
This is my voice but it's telling lies
I know how to act, but I don't know happiness and I must confess
instead of spring its always winter and my heart has always been a lonely hunter...
Still love tried to welcome me, but my soul drew back. I was covered with dust and sin...
Love tried to take me in
Love tried to break me.
ahh... the joys of music.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Tonight I cried for you again...
I just started back at the gym after a year and a half of insecurities and memories. Tonight I went against my better judgement and met a 'friend' to attend the '80's prom' at the Hippodrome. Tonight I was, once again, in the spotlight amoung faces of people who will never amount to more than kind, but empty, words.
Tonight I cried for you again.
Tonight I faced myself again.
Tonight I looked once more at my fears and my emptiness and for you I cried.
Tonight I've learned that I haven't stopped running.... tonight I learned that I am still angry.
I left myself vulnerable to strangers as I strained to catch my breath and to hold back tears that I felt should no longer be there.
I reach, I grasp, I fight, I manipulate... I claw and scratch to get what I want. I play the games I am so against.
And in the eyes of a friend I saw their acknowlegement of me. My actions. My fears. My petty needs. My false affirmations that keep me alive.
I am sitting here shaking. I am cold and empty. I'm revealed. Naked and vulernable. Empty and alone. Wanting so much to be away from this place, from all these things, from my memories and past.
I swear I know who I am and at the same time I cannot grasp the reality that I live. I run, I travel, I explore.. I dive deeper into everything that disgusts me and I stand on top of it all - in control .. a king.. a lie.
My beliefs escape me. My truths blended into falsehoods that I can barely discern. Lost in this dream that I've created.
So I light another cigarette and I inhale till I feel myself suffocating. The pain is a pleasure to me. Inside of it, I feel alive. Without it, I am dead.
I use my manipulative strategies, peoples interests in me, and mine in others for the same reason. To feel alive. To have meaning. To see that I am something more than an empty shell of a person drifting mindlessly through this existance. Yearning, yet fearful, for it to end.
You left me to carry this cross. To hold this burden upon myself. Me .. alone.
I can feel your laughter. Your hate. I feel your eyes on me waiting for me to drop. To give up. To know that I am no better than you ever said I was. To know that I am nothing.
I hear your words. Your hateful words. The words you used to trap me, to demean me, to make me worthless.
Why then do I long for you? Why does my heart break for you still? Why am I still crying when I should be relieved?
You accomplished in death what you never could in life. You've conquered me. You've gained control of me with your words. You've detached me from myself and left me to wander without meaning.
You left me to fight.
Fight against myself and others. Fight against my dreams, my fears, my hopes.
My anger is like a passion. I lick it from every inch of a strangers flesh. As I take them into me.. as I taste them. I kiss their lips with such hatred. I submit to them and their desires. I drink from them .. I become part of them. My own motives as evil and vile as they are.
What have I become?
Tonight I cried for you again.
Tonight I faced myself again.
Tonight I looked once more at my fears and my emptiness and for you I cried.
Tonight I've learned that I haven't stopped running.... tonight I learned that I am still angry.
I left myself vulnerable to strangers as I strained to catch my breath and to hold back tears that I felt should no longer be there.
I reach, I grasp, I fight, I manipulate... I claw and scratch to get what I want. I play the games I am so against.
And in the eyes of a friend I saw their acknowlegement of me. My actions. My fears. My petty needs. My false affirmations that keep me alive.
I am sitting here shaking. I am cold and empty. I'm revealed. Naked and vulernable. Empty and alone. Wanting so much to be away from this place, from all these things, from my memories and past.
I swear I know who I am and at the same time I cannot grasp the reality that I live. I run, I travel, I explore.. I dive deeper into everything that disgusts me and I stand on top of it all - in control .. a king.. a lie.
My beliefs escape me. My truths blended into falsehoods that I can barely discern. Lost in this dream that I've created.
So I light another cigarette and I inhale till I feel myself suffocating. The pain is a pleasure to me. Inside of it, I feel alive. Without it, I am dead.
I use my manipulative strategies, peoples interests in me, and mine in others for the same reason. To feel alive. To have meaning. To see that I am something more than an empty shell of a person drifting mindlessly through this existance. Yearning, yet fearful, for it to end.
You left me to carry this cross. To hold this burden upon myself. Me .. alone.
I can feel your laughter. Your hate. I feel your eyes on me waiting for me to drop. To give up. To know that I am no better than you ever said I was. To know that I am nothing.
I hear your words. Your hateful words. The words you used to trap me, to demean me, to make me worthless.
Why then do I long for you? Why does my heart break for you still? Why am I still crying when I should be relieved?
You accomplished in death what you never could in life. You've conquered me. You've gained control of me with your words. You've detached me from myself and left me to wander without meaning.
You left me to fight.
Fight against myself and others. Fight against my dreams, my fears, my hopes.
My anger is like a passion. I lick it from every inch of a strangers flesh. As I take them into me.. as I taste them. I kiss their lips with such hatred. I submit to them and their desires. I drink from them .. I become part of them. My own motives as evil and vile as they are.
What have I become?
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Wisdom is not defined by age, but by experience alone
There is a person I've known for a while now... just a friend from online. Over time the scope of our friendship grew and more personal thoughts and feelings shared. We've discussed life, love, religion, and dreams...
Tonight she shared with me her online journal... and like a song, it spoke to me in ways that are too profound to explain. Tonight I also learned that wisdon is not defined by age, but by experience alone -- and her journey is one that I walked along... clinging to the words I read on the screen... like a good novel that you cannot put down. One that you can relate to and one that inspires you.
It also enlightened me. It put into words a feeling that I could not express, because I thought no words existed to express it. Now there are and thanks to her I will copy those words here ... now able to express something stirred up inside of me by someone who doesn't know:
He will always be living art.
Everyone is living art to me. I was infatuated with this particular person so because he was delicious in pieces- his hands, his eyes, his walk, his lips- but not as a whole. As a whole he was as defective as I am, and two defects don't equal one good person. But he was beautiful and I continue to study people in the same way. I've probably done it to you.
.. thank you Tee.
Tonight she shared with me her online journal... and like a song, it spoke to me in ways that are too profound to explain. Tonight I also learned that wisdon is not defined by age, but by experience alone -- and her journey is one that I walked along... clinging to the words I read on the screen... like a good novel that you cannot put down. One that you can relate to and one that inspires you.
It also enlightened me. It put into words a feeling that I could not express, because I thought no words existed to express it. Now there are and thanks to her I will copy those words here ... now able to express something stirred up inside of me by someone who doesn't know:
He will always be living art.
Everyone is living art to me. I was infatuated with this particular person so because he was delicious in pieces- his hands, his eyes, his walk, his lips- but not as a whole. As a whole he was as defective as I am, and two defects don't equal one good person. But he was beautiful and I continue to study people in the same way. I've probably done it to you.
.. thank you Tee.
Friday, September 30, 2005
I do not see what you see
How can you tell me I am beautiful
Why am I so interesting to you
Are you sure you mean what you say
Can you be sure it is not just a passing phase
I don't understand what you see, I've never seen it myself
My disappointments and hurt don't help me in appreciating the things you say
I want to believe you
I want to be lifted up
Yet every time I've taken that step ... I've only fallen further
What do you see in my eyes -- what truths do they speak to you
I can tell you've seen beyond my actions and my words
You touch something deep inside of me
Im scared of you
Why am I so interesting to you
Are you sure you mean what you say
Can you be sure it is not just a passing phase
I don't understand what you see, I've never seen it myself
My disappointments and hurt don't help me in appreciating the things you say
I want to believe you
I want to be lifted up
Yet every time I've taken that step ... I've only fallen further
What do you see in my eyes -- what truths do they speak to you
I can tell you've seen beyond my actions and my words
You touch something deep inside of me
Im scared of you
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Will you love me even when I do not love myself?
I friggin love this weather! As I sit here drinking my instant Chi Tea and eating corn from a can... the windows open... it's such beautiful weather. The air is crisp and refreshing, with a slight chill.
Tonight was nice and relaxing (sort of..) Chris H&M, Joe, and myself went to see The Corpse Bride. Nice movie and a sweet meaning behind it.
I wonder how they get the corn off the cob to pack into my can of corn? Just a random thought that hit me.
I've purchased my ticket and booked my hotel reservation for Prague this December. I am so looking forward to that trip. I've been wanting to visit Prague for the longest time. I am going to try to have at least one tourist day during this trip. I want some pictures... I regret not doing that in Italy, a bit.
I am hoping they sell fur coats in Prague, because I am on a mission to get a pimp coat while there. Italy was shoes (of course I bought a color that I can't wear with anything) and I have made Prague the pimp fur coat trip. I don't care if it is llama fur, zebra fur, synthetic fur.. I just wanna pimp coat damnit.
The two projects I am working on have me so overwhelmed. It is just so much to deal with between websites, design companies, programmer bids, outlines, advertising deadlines, special guest contacts, and trying to make development schedules and plans...
I just sit here in a daze -- like 'What do I do next?!"
The stress is making Delta.com look really good right now. They are having this kickin special for trips to Berlin.
I don't deal with temptation well and certainly not when it is trip or sex based. Sheesh, I'm only human-ish.
Tonight Joe turned me onto another gay cruise site. This one I was not aware of, but now that I've seen it -- it has me more on edge with my project. It can easily be improved upon and they do overcharge for memberships -- but still... it's just more saturation and more to work against.
I have a competitive nature when it comes to business. I like the challenge to out shine -- I just don't like the stress that is attached to that challenge. Oh well, we shall see what happens.
...and by sheer force of will, I will raise you from the ground and without a sound you'll appear resurrected to me to love.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Will (s)he go down on you in a theatre?
It is 5:32am and I am still awake. Rebecca just drove from Columbia to pick up some Ambien and I just recently dropped off my 21 year old straight thug-a-be 'friend.' Isn't this what we did when we were 16?
Rebecca called out from work today, because of her lack of sleep. Perhaps we'll make our yearly drive out to Gettysburg, PA. Take in the fresh, crisp fall air .. pick up some pumpkins and groceries from the country store .. then have dinner at Dobbin House. It's such a beautiful, relaxing time. A nice change of pace from my daily race of emails and websites.
Speaking of PA - I wonder how my friend Chris is. So adorable. Why do I always turn away from the ones who are so good? I shut down to them. That's another story, for another time. I will say I make it a conscious effort to not do that.
I think that I am scared of good people sometime.
My dinner with Thunder Cat went well. Surprisingly well, I think. I am not sure if we accomplished anything on the work end, but the conversation and the company was enjoyable. He's different in a genuine sense. No pretentiousness and a bit of boyish innocence.
... I'm not that innocent ...
I did learn that my roommate had the balls to tell him, out of the blue, that I was a slut.
A slut.
This coming from the dude that has slept with half of Baltimore and could write a medical journal on his STDs.
It was nice to be informed of that, though. Perhaps his rent will increase now.
No point or desire to confront him with the comment. I'll respect TC's 'anonymous' information.
I don't really care what anyone says about me, as long as they have the right to say it. Just make sure you get my name correct.
Rebecca called out from work today, because of her lack of sleep. Perhaps we'll make our yearly drive out to Gettysburg, PA. Take in the fresh, crisp fall air .. pick up some pumpkins and groceries from the country store .. then have dinner at Dobbin House. It's such a beautiful, relaxing time. A nice change of pace from my daily race of emails and websites.
Speaking of PA - I wonder how my friend Chris is. So adorable. Why do I always turn away from the ones who are so good? I shut down to them. That's another story, for another time. I will say I make it a conscious effort to not do that.
I think that I am scared of good people sometime.
My dinner with Thunder Cat went well. Surprisingly well, I think. I am not sure if we accomplished anything on the work end, but the conversation and the company was enjoyable. He's different in a genuine sense. No pretentiousness and a bit of boyish innocence.
... I'm not that innocent ...
I did learn that my roommate had the balls to tell him, out of the blue, that I was a slut.
A slut.
This coming from the dude that has slept with half of Baltimore and could write a medical journal on his STDs.
It was nice to be informed of that, though. Perhaps his rent will increase now.
No point or desire to confront him with the comment. I'll respect TC's 'anonymous' information.
I don't really care what anyone says about me, as long as they have the right to say it. Just make sure you get my name correct.
Monday, September 26, 2005
And I, unaware, that the script changed day by day..
Tonight I went to Central Station. My roommate J. Brian is without a car temporarily and he asked that I pick him up. So off I went to taxi him and have a drink in the process...
I am always amazed by the amount of attention I receive and from the large number of people who seem to attach a 'friendship' with me from the bar. While it may sound as though I am being egotistical, I am really not. It honestly shocks me. I don't see what they see and I never have understood the attention I receive and thrive on.
Regardless if I instigate, humor, or dive into it .. I ride it like a mysterious cloud, never fully grasping it, but going with it to whatever the destination may be.
I also learned tonight that someone I was very interested in for a long time, who is just a friend of mine, was interested in dating me. He never told me that. Then I ended up sleeping with his ex-boyfriend (while they were NOT together, I might add) and that has forever sealed the hidden option of dating.
It is for the better, perhaps.
I ran into ThunderCat, or ThunderKat as he spells it, and was once again reassured that he would not stand me up (again) for our dinner tomorrow/today. It's only a 'business' meeting, but I like his company. I really can't explain that either. I don't know him, but there is something in him that I see.
To say he has 'depth' to him would be much too generic. There is something in his eyes, however, that I find gripping and fascinating. When I'm around him thoughts just begin to rush through my head. Things that I feel the need to tell him. I really can't explain it and my attempt to is not doing it (or me) any justice.
I could sit and listen to him talk for hours and just watch his eyes, his movements. It is strangely soothing. There's a peace hidden in him. Who knows, maybe I'll figure it out or just leave it as me being psychotic and too deep.
So it is now 3:23am and I am sitting at my desk, in intense pain, listening to Madonna's Rain. Sounds somewhat depressing, eh?
Sometimes the pain gets so intense that I feel as if I am going mad. I am so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of a body that is falling apart. When does it stop? How does that lyric go...?
"What good is the strength of the strongest heart, in a body that is falling apart. A serious flaw, I hope you know that. Oh my creator."
That may not be an exact quote, but it does get the point across quite well.
I'll call the neurologist this week. It doesn't do a ton of good. I don't want to be medicated on painkillers. I prefer fixes, not bandaids. I have had enough bandaids in my life.
I think every person has a cross they are meant to carry. An obstacle. Something to strengthen your character -- or perhaps make you more understanding of the cross that others carry.
I like to think of things that way. Regardless if I am right or wrong. It gives a purpose and a focus to something which would otherwise be nothing more than a burden.
I am lonely.
I have good friends, a tolerable family, but I'm lonely. It's okay, I am used to it. I was lonely even when I had my boyfriend. It is just when I had my boyfriend it wasn't an empty type of lonely.
At thirty three I've conquered all of my wants and desires. Trust me, it is not because my list was small. I have just been very motivated, focused, determined to accomplish and have what I wanted. Unfortunately, all those things are nothing compared to one of the two I've yet to hold.
Let me share something...
It will be another full moon soon, perhaps another night with you.
The thought that it may be the last masked by the fading view
Of shadows dancing around where you lay, as if they worship you
Almost enough, but not quite as much, as I honestly do.
You don't see because your eyes are closed, but I watch you as you sleep
Afraid to look away, for tomorrow may be the day, I have only the memories to keep
I breath in the breathe that you release, you are the life that I absorb
You asleep in your seperate peace, me overwhelmed as I adore
All that you are and all that you're not, with this hope that reality can break
...for I am not and will never be in your world when I awake.
I am always amazed by the amount of attention I receive and from the large number of people who seem to attach a 'friendship' with me from the bar. While it may sound as though I am being egotistical, I am really not. It honestly shocks me. I don't see what they see and I never have understood the attention I receive and thrive on.
Regardless if I instigate, humor, or dive into it .. I ride it like a mysterious cloud, never fully grasping it, but going with it to whatever the destination may be.
I also learned tonight that someone I was very interested in for a long time, who is just a friend of mine, was interested in dating me. He never told me that. Then I ended up sleeping with his ex-boyfriend (while they were NOT together, I might add) and that has forever sealed the hidden option of dating.
It is for the better, perhaps.
I ran into ThunderCat, or ThunderKat as he spells it, and was once again reassured that he would not stand me up (again) for our dinner tomorrow/today. It's only a 'business' meeting, but I like his company. I really can't explain that either. I don't know him, but there is something in him that I see.
To say he has 'depth' to him would be much too generic. There is something in his eyes, however, that I find gripping and fascinating. When I'm around him thoughts just begin to rush through my head. Things that I feel the need to tell him. I really can't explain it and my attempt to is not doing it (or me) any justice.
I could sit and listen to him talk for hours and just watch his eyes, his movements. It is strangely soothing. There's a peace hidden in him. Who knows, maybe I'll figure it out or just leave it as me being psychotic and too deep.
So it is now 3:23am and I am sitting at my desk, in intense pain, listening to Madonna's Rain. Sounds somewhat depressing, eh?
Sometimes the pain gets so intense that I feel as if I am going mad. I am so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of a body that is falling apart. When does it stop? How does that lyric go...?
"What good is the strength of the strongest heart, in a body that is falling apart. A serious flaw, I hope you know that. Oh my creator."
That may not be an exact quote, but it does get the point across quite well.
I'll call the neurologist this week. It doesn't do a ton of good. I don't want to be medicated on painkillers. I prefer fixes, not bandaids. I have had enough bandaids in my life.
I think every person has a cross they are meant to carry. An obstacle. Something to strengthen your character -- or perhaps make you more understanding of the cross that others carry.
I like to think of things that way. Regardless if I am right or wrong. It gives a purpose and a focus to something which would otherwise be nothing more than a burden.
I am lonely.
I have good friends, a tolerable family, but I'm lonely. It's okay, I am used to it. I was lonely even when I had my boyfriend. It is just when I had my boyfriend it wasn't an empty type of lonely.
At thirty three I've conquered all of my wants and desires. Trust me, it is not because my list was small. I have just been very motivated, focused, determined to accomplish and have what I wanted. Unfortunately, all those things are nothing compared to one of the two I've yet to hold.
Let me share something...
It will be another full moon soon, perhaps another night with you.
The thought that it may be the last masked by the fading view
Of shadows dancing around where you lay, as if they worship you
Almost enough, but not quite as much, as I honestly do.
You don't see because your eyes are closed, but I watch you as you sleep
Afraid to look away, for tomorrow may be the day, I have only the memories to keep
I breath in the breathe that you release, you are the life that I absorb
You asleep in your seperate peace, me overwhelmed as I adore
All that you are and all that you're not, with this hope that reality can break
...for I am not and will never be in your world when I awake.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
My house smells like popcorn..
Okay it's 7:33am and I am just getting home from clubbing. While my mind is all about it, my body is saying "What the fuck?!" It's hell to be 33, I keep forgetting I don't recover like I did ten years ago. Damn it all.
While taking a poo it dawned on me that in all my blogs I have never mentioned my 'going out' friend. Well he is really more than just a 'going out' friend, but due to his new location, that is really the only time we see each other.
About ten months prior to the death of my boyfriend, I met a guy that I spent my alone nights with terrorizing people in the AOL chat rooms. We met in downtime Annapolis (he lived there then) .. walked around, talked, got gellato ;) -- We had this instant click. He reminds me of an old friend I grew up with. Our insta-click is the same. He also spent a good amount of time with me in Orlando, after my boy passed away.
Chris is one of those special friends that no matter the disagreements or issues, whenever we hang out it is just a good time. We're both a little crazy (I think we feed off each other a bit) and no matter how fucked a situation is .. we have a good time with it.
It's nice to have a friend like that, because I do not befriend a lot of people. It's about quality with me, never quantity. I can barely keep up with the people I know now anyway -- anyone who tries to telephone me can attest to that.
I ran into my 'ex', Jason, at Secrets tonight. That was supposed to be the entire point in going. Meet up, have a couple drinks, talk. It didn't exactly work out that way - but it was nice to see him. There were some things that I didn't have the opportunity to say which I wanted to get out.
As odd as it is for me to say it -- I still like him. In the 'I'd date you' sorta way. That is super rare for me. When it's done with someone, it's done. I don't keep ex-boyfriends around as friends. If it ended it usually is because one of us doesnt like the other, so what's the point?
I'm not into being someones friend just cause we tagged each other.
Anyway to avoid making it long and painful to any reader - bottom line - I like him still. Doesn't mean anything, outside of a personal realization.
Went to Heat again. Hasn't changed. The circus is still in town. However, get a couple drinks in you and go there -- it's endless entertainment and laughter.
Did I mention that old popcorn smells like ass? My roommate must have gone wild making popcorn, because mye whole house smells like it. After a night of drinking, that smell is NOT nice.
I'm also smoking a cigarette (bad Jason.. bad Jason) -- So obviously I am having a temporary willpower issue going on.
Okay time to pass out...
While taking a poo it dawned on me that in all my blogs I have never mentioned my 'going out' friend. Well he is really more than just a 'going out' friend, but due to his new location, that is really the only time we see each other.
About ten months prior to the death of my boyfriend, I met a guy that I spent my alone nights with terrorizing people in the AOL chat rooms. We met in downtime Annapolis (he lived there then) .. walked around, talked, got gellato ;) -- We had this instant click. He reminds me of an old friend I grew up with. Our insta-click is the same. He also spent a good amount of time with me in Orlando, after my boy passed away.
Chris is one of those special friends that no matter the disagreements or issues, whenever we hang out it is just a good time. We're both a little crazy (I think we feed off each other a bit) and no matter how fucked a situation is .. we have a good time with it.
It's nice to have a friend like that, because I do not befriend a lot of people. It's about quality with me, never quantity. I can barely keep up with the people I know now anyway -- anyone who tries to telephone me can attest to that.
I ran into my 'ex', Jason, at Secrets tonight. That was supposed to be the entire point in going. Meet up, have a couple drinks, talk. It didn't exactly work out that way - but it was nice to see him. There were some things that I didn't have the opportunity to say which I wanted to get out.
As odd as it is for me to say it -- I still like him. In the 'I'd date you' sorta way. That is super rare for me. When it's done with someone, it's done. I don't keep ex-boyfriends around as friends. If it ended it usually is because one of us doesnt like the other, so what's the point?
I'm not into being someones friend just cause we tagged each other.
Anyway to avoid making it long and painful to any reader - bottom line - I like him still. Doesn't mean anything, outside of a personal realization.
Went to Heat again. Hasn't changed. The circus is still in town. However, get a couple drinks in you and go there -- it's endless entertainment and laughter.
Did I mention that old popcorn smells like ass? My roommate must have gone wild making popcorn, because mye whole house smells like it. After a night of drinking, that smell is NOT nice.
I'm also smoking a cigarette (bad Jason.. bad Jason) -- So obviously I am having a temporary willpower issue going on.
Okay time to pass out...
Friday, September 23, 2005
50 things about me....
1. I will say the things you're afraid to say. You can pretend that you're shocked or disgusted, but you know you think them too.
2. I won't sugar coat my views, thoughts, convictions. I won't lie to you.
3. My loyalty is without peer. When you have me, I will never break your respect or trust.
4. I am calculated. Regardless how it appears to you - everything I do or say is well thought out and with reason.
5. The more I drink the more lucid I become. Even if I have trouble walking at the time.
6. My favorite color is blue.
7. I love coffee ice cream - I love anything coffee.
8. Pets are cute, but I'd rather not have them.
9. Kids are cute, but I'd rather not have them. I can live vicariously through others.
10. Grocery shopping takes me forever - there are way too many choices and options.
11. I like having choices and options.
12. I'm a control freak.
13. I can never own enough shoes.
14. I hate the Crayola box of 64 crayons. For the same reason grocery shopping takes me forever.
15. I cook really well except when I am trying to impress someone.
16. I can be thoughtful to the point of looking neurotic.
17. I hate deceptive people.
18. I'm scared of the dark.
19. My house has tons of lights.
20. I'm tormented by my need for religious focus and truth.
21. I've only dated one person that I've remained friends with. I'm not even sure why I did that.
22. What you see is not what you get.
23. I appear energetic, exciting, flighty, and full of jokes.
24. I am really deep, thoughtful, introverted, sincere, and calm.
25. My bark is worse than my bite.
26. I'll fight in a heart beat if someone I care for is fucked with.
27. I put myself second to the people who I care about.
28. I have loved very few people.
29. I only cry when I'm alone.
30. I cry quite often and yet I can't explain why.
31. I'm scared to be alone in my house at night.
32. I can't take a shower unless I can see thru the shower curtain. It's why I have glass doors. They are a bitch to keep clean.
33. I've experienced everything in my life that I've ever wanted - except two things.
34. People remind me of cartoon characters.
35. I am not PC
36. I'm addicted to Ultima Online and The Sims2
37. I don't drink as much as it seems and I hate the taste of alcohol.
38. I smoke, but I hate the taste and smell of cigarettes.
39. I miss going to the gym, but I am too insecure to go alone.
40. I mask my insecurities well.
41. I mask all my emotions well.
42. I deal with situations, in my mind, before they occur - so nothing shocks me or takes control of me.
43. My favorite food is pizza.
44. Masturbation has become boring.
45. If I cum first, you're on your own.
46. I don't do drugs and I have little respect or sympathy for those that do.
47. I admire discipline in people.
48. The feature which draws me to people the most is their eyes.
49. I love photographs.
50. I'm very sentimental.
2. I won't sugar coat my views, thoughts, convictions. I won't lie to you.
3. My loyalty is without peer. When you have me, I will never break your respect or trust.
4. I am calculated. Regardless how it appears to you - everything I do or say is well thought out and with reason.
5. The more I drink the more lucid I become. Even if I have trouble walking at the time.
6. My favorite color is blue.
7. I love coffee ice cream - I love anything coffee.
8. Pets are cute, but I'd rather not have them.
9. Kids are cute, but I'd rather not have them. I can live vicariously through others.
10. Grocery shopping takes me forever - there are way too many choices and options.
11. I like having choices and options.
12. I'm a control freak.
13. I can never own enough shoes.
14. I hate the Crayola box of 64 crayons. For the same reason grocery shopping takes me forever.
15. I cook really well except when I am trying to impress someone.
16. I can be thoughtful to the point of looking neurotic.
17. I hate deceptive people.
18. I'm scared of the dark.
19. My house has tons of lights.
20. I'm tormented by my need for religious focus and truth.
21. I've only dated one person that I've remained friends with. I'm not even sure why I did that.
22. What you see is not what you get.
23. I appear energetic, exciting, flighty, and full of jokes.
24. I am really deep, thoughtful, introverted, sincere, and calm.
25. My bark is worse than my bite.
26. I'll fight in a heart beat if someone I care for is fucked with.
27. I put myself second to the people who I care about.
28. I have loved very few people.
29. I only cry when I'm alone.
30. I cry quite often and yet I can't explain why.
31. I'm scared to be alone in my house at night.
32. I can't take a shower unless I can see thru the shower curtain. It's why I have glass doors. They are a bitch to keep clean.
33. I've experienced everything in my life that I've ever wanted - except two things.
34. People remind me of cartoon characters.
35. I am not PC
36. I'm addicted to Ultima Online and The Sims2
37. I don't drink as much as it seems and I hate the taste of alcohol.
38. I smoke, but I hate the taste and smell of cigarettes.
39. I miss going to the gym, but I am too insecure to go alone.
40. I mask my insecurities well.
41. I mask all my emotions well.
42. I deal with situations, in my mind, before they occur - so nothing shocks me or takes control of me.
43. My favorite food is pizza.
44. Masturbation has become boring.
45. If I cum first, you're on your own.
46. I don't do drugs and I have little respect or sympathy for those that do.
47. I admire discipline in people.
48. The feature which draws me to people the most is their eyes.
49. I love photographs.
50. I'm very sentimental.
I take the good with the bad...
I am happy to say these past two days have been rather amazing. I met up with a 'friend' from SWA at Howards who confided some rather personal things in me and ended up spending a good four hours at my house just chilling. It was great to just be able to sit with him and talk. The conversation seemed to flow endlessly and it was sad (but a bit welcomed - i was exhausted) when at 5:30am he decided it was time to go home and sleep. We have plans to hang out again on Sunday, so I am looking forward to that.
ThunderCat has sent a few text messages and reconfirmed their desire to work with/for me. I was begining to get concerned about that. Yet, it seems that all is a go and I look forward to our 'business' dinner on Monday evening.
My friendship with a fellow blogger is going quite well and while their own life seems to be taking a rather stressful turn -- it's nice to have them around. I think the company does us both good. It's nice to be able to laugh and be silly with someone -- without having to be concerned about them judging you or taking it too seriously.
The adult site is now under development and I go to Vancouver, BC shortly to meet with a bigmuscle.com friend who just happens to be a progammer. Better yet, a programmer interested in writing the things that I need for my site. Fucking right on! So that has me pretty excited. I've always wanted to see BC - plus this flight will give me enough skymiles to fly somewhere free. Woot! Or get my upgrades for my trip to Prague. RaWr!
All those things aside, and a few others that I didn't mention, the complete highlite of the last year and a half happened today. My one true passion.. the thing that focused me and gave me tremendous drive for five years is back online. Some of you might know what it is, some don't. I'm not sure I really want to discuss it right now, but I will say that it has made me so happy.
I will continue to push forward with the adult venture and hope that it brings in revenue that I can push to the other. Almost like Robin Hood, I'll use the money from something that I have many personal and moral issues against to help make something that means the world to me better. When I can drop the adult thing and focus on the other, I will do that in a heart beat.
For now, as sad as it is, I need the adult project ---- damn that sucks.
As my title states - I take the good with the bad. Like everything else in my life... every happy moment has to be slightly subdued by a negative one.
Welcome to the world of Hereditary Neuralgic Amyotrophy -- It's back.. starting shortly after my newest tattoo.
The pain is so muther fucking intense that I started taking four of my Ultram (pain killers) rather than one. Even four wasn't making the pain any better. Now I'm out of them.
My right arm is trying to contract at the elbow -- so whenever I straighten my arm out now the pain is stabbing. It runs from my shoulder (painful) down my arm (not to bad) to my elbow (painful as fuck) down my forearm (not to bad) and right into my fingers (like a tingling stabbing pain) ---
Typing is a bitch now and I find myself spending more time sleeping because it's the only moment I get when the pain isn't bothering me.
This shit scares me. I'm afraid of what it is doing to me and more concerned that I have no clue when it will stop again. I can't really explain to anyone the pain. I will say it has me extremely edgy, very irritable, and wanting to beat the fuck out of things.
As always.. my life is filled with petty tyrants. Be it physical, personal, guys I date, family .. somewhere there is always a petty tyrant to try and bring me down.
In the midst of it all - I thank God for my blessings, for my resolve, and for the strength given to me no matter what tyrant is in my path. There is nothing greater.
ThunderCat has sent a few text messages and reconfirmed their desire to work with/for me. I was begining to get concerned about that. Yet, it seems that all is a go and I look forward to our 'business' dinner on Monday evening.
My friendship with a fellow blogger is going quite well and while their own life seems to be taking a rather stressful turn -- it's nice to have them around. I think the company does us both good. It's nice to be able to laugh and be silly with someone -- without having to be concerned about them judging you or taking it too seriously.
The adult site is now under development and I go to Vancouver, BC shortly to meet with a bigmuscle.com friend who just happens to be a progammer. Better yet, a programmer interested in writing the things that I need for my site. Fucking right on! So that has me pretty excited. I've always wanted to see BC - plus this flight will give me enough skymiles to fly somewhere free. Woot! Or get my upgrades for my trip to Prague. RaWr!
All those things aside, and a few others that I didn't mention, the complete highlite of the last year and a half happened today. My one true passion.. the thing that focused me and gave me tremendous drive for five years is back online. Some of you might know what it is, some don't. I'm not sure I really want to discuss it right now, but I will say that it has made me so happy.
I will continue to push forward with the adult venture and hope that it brings in revenue that I can push to the other. Almost like Robin Hood, I'll use the money from something that I have many personal and moral issues against to help make something that means the world to me better. When I can drop the adult thing and focus on the other, I will do that in a heart beat.
For now, as sad as it is, I need the adult project ---- damn that sucks.
As my title states - I take the good with the bad. Like everything else in my life... every happy moment has to be slightly subdued by a negative one.
Welcome to the world of Hereditary Neuralgic Amyotrophy -- It's back.. starting shortly after my newest tattoo.
The pain is so muther fucking intense that I started taking four of my Ultram (pain killers) rather than one. Even four wasn't making the pain any better. Now I'm out of them.
My right arm is trying to contract at the elbow -- so whenever I straighten my arm out now the pain is stabbing. It runs from my shoulder (painful) down my arm (not to bad) to my elbow (painful as fuck) down my forearm (not to bad) and right into my fingers (like a tingling stabbing pain) ---
Typing is a bitch now and I find myself spending more time sleeping because it's the only moment I get when the pain isn't bothering me.
This shit scares me. I'm afraid of what it is doing to me and more concerned that I have no clue when it will stop again. I can't really explain to anyone the pain. I will say it has me extremely edgy, very irritable, and wanting to beat the fuck out of things.
As always.. my life is filled with petty tyrants. Be it physical, personal, guys I date, family .. somewhere there is always a petty tyrant to try and bring me down.
In the midst of it all - I thank God for my blessings, for my resolve, and for the strength given to me no matter what tyrant is in my path. There is nothing greater.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Shake Me Up
I am so exhausted. Another 26+ hours without sleep. I bitch about this way too often, when I have ambien sitting two feet from me.
Sleep is for the weak! RaWr!
I never did get the chance to ramble off about Utah. I keep meaning to and then I get side tracked. Utah was an awesome time. I miss it already. Not quite as much as I miss Italy, but still missed all the same.
My time with Chris is always incredible. There is no other guy that I can say I love. We have grown very close in our short six years. It's an interesting, exciting chemistry between two opposites. Remember the Odd Couple?
We've toyed with the idea of me moving out to Utah for a little while. It would benefit each of us in our own ways... and it's such a tempting thought. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I think I can deal with Utah. It's certainly not a DC, NY, or even a Baltimore. Yet, it has it's own charm. The mountains, fresh air, beautiful people.... and Chris, too. What more could you ask for really?
(a winning powerball ticket....)
Maryland has this strange pull to it. It reminds me of those chinese finger trap things. The harder you try to pull away, the more stuck you seem to be. I do want and need to get away from here. This place holds nothing for me. Except for three people I appreciate having in my life. However, all three can see me regardless where I go.
So between Utah, a year in Europe, and Florida -- I run through various ideas of places to go and set up home. Temporary or long term. Just an added flavor -- something to excite and stimulate. Not sure what will come of those thoughts, but I am sure something will sooner or later.
The good thing about going back into the online business is that no matter where I go -- I can work. Gotta love the Internet for that.
Speaking of the Internet business --- step one is complete. Things are in order and I am now finishing up with programmers and getting things prepared for implementation. After that comes a few weeks of hardcore production ...... then presto: a new online world is born.
.... I just hope the saying 'build it and they will come' holds true with this one.
Well time to get a shower. The mutual friend I share with my roommate had issues with their outbound flight this evening and they are back at my house -- wanting to go out. I feel bad for them so I decided, regardless of my lack of sleep, to take them out to Baltimore.
I guess I can go out looking like a swampdonkey... no big deal.
Sleep is for the weak! RaWr!
I never did get the chance to ramble off about Utah. I keep meaning to and then I get side tracked. Utah was an awesome time. I miss it already. Not quite as much as I miss Italy, but still missed all the same.
My time with Chris is always incredible. There is no other guy that I can say I love. We have grown very close in our short six years. It's an interesting, exciting chemistry between two opposites. Remember the Odd Couple?
We've toyed with the idea of me moving out to Utah for a little while. It would benefit each of us in our own ways... and it's such a tempting thought. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I think I can deal with Utah. It's certainly not a DC, NY, or even a Baltimore. Yet, it has it's own charm. The mountains, fresh air, beautiful people.... and Chris, too. What more could you ask for really?
(a winning powerball ticket....)
Maryland has this strange pull to it. It reminds me of those chinese finger trap things. The harder you try to pull away, the more stuck you seem to be. I do want and need to get away from here. This place holds nothing for me. Except for three people I appreciate having in my life. However, all three can see me regardless where I go.
So between Utah, a year in Europe, and Florida -- I run through various ideas of places to go and set up home. Temporary or long term. Just an added flavor -- something to excite and stimulate. Not sure what will come of those thoughts, but I am sure something will sooner or later.
The good thing about going back into the online business is that no matter where I go -- I can work. Gotta love the Internet for that.
Speaking of the Internet business --- step one is complete. Things are in order and I am now finishing up with programmers and getting things prepared for implementation. After that comes a few weeks of hardcore production ...... then presto: a new online world is born.
.... I just hope the saying 'build it and they will come' holds true with this one.
Well time to get a shower. The mutual friend I share with my roommate had issues with their outbound flight this evening and they are back at my house -- wanting to go out. I feel bad for them so I decided, regardless of my lack of sleep, to take them out to Baltimore.
I guess I can go out looking like a swampdonkey... no big deal.
I just don't give a fuck
I like you, but I'll never let you know. I won't be vulnerable to you. I won't be weak. I will not submit to you, to be another victim of who you are.
I have gone so long without you. How could I possibly need you now?
There is nothing you can mend; there is nothing you can fix.
Your smile is not even refreshing, it doesn't wake me up inside. You're empty. Your eyes are dead. I know what you're after.So I'll humor you. I'll smile and take in the words you spit. As if you're in a trance, you weave a web of deceit with ease.
Why am I standing here? Tomorrow I won't recall your name. I won't keep the number you've handed me. I've already played these games.
You can think I'm easy. I've allowed myself to look that way. Calculated and planned, I know what I am doing. I've used it to keep you away.
Go ahead. Hug me. Hold my hand. Kiss me before I walk away. I'm so special to you, so beautiful. Isn't that what you say?Don't tell me you see my hurt. That you can feel my pain. Who are you to pretend you know me? You bastard fuck. You're a vulture. I've watched you mark your prey.
It's time to go. The smile lingers until I can no longer see your face. You feel accomplished now, don't you? Do you really think you've won another one?
You're wrong about me...
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Avoid sex for a little while..
There is always time for a new first and this week has proved an interesting one. Now, it seems, that when I get ready to have an orgasm I get horrible spontaneous headaches. I am talking beyond migranes. Right when I am about to bust a nut and for a few moments after.
At first I thought it was odd, but didn't put much thought into it. Things happen and we all know that climax can be a really tense thing prior to the end result. It was the second time that I was about to get off and had this headache that I was begining to get a little worried.
More upset that I might have to endure headaches when trying to bust a nut than being bothered by the headache itself. That was until a friend of mine sent me a bunch of links regarding these sex-aches.
The links explained that these headaches sometimes occur in men and can last for an undetermined period of time.. then just stop. No big deal. The flip side was that it could be something more serious -- like internal bleeding.
Needless to say, the thought of something more serious freaked me out and I took my ass to the emergency room to have a CT scan done. I wanted to make sure that everything was alright inside my head. I am sure some people will still disagree that things are...
Why the emergency room? Well, I figured it would be quicker than driving an hour round trip to pay my doctor a $20.00 copay and get a piece of paper to go sit somewhere else and have the scan done. My doctor annoys me anyway. He's never been the same since the 'check up' that resulted with me hitting him in the chin (by accident!) with my dick...
So the emergency room sounded like a closer, quicker fix. I've learned that quicker is not the case with the ER. Even at 9:30am. However, after this ER experience, I really can't say I regret going...
When I finally got called back to my bed (E13) at around noon .. I walked in on a shared room with three other guys and two female 'sitters.' Kinda like adult babysitters... there to make sure no one does anything crazy or tries to leave. I think I was in a room with people that were not exactly there by choice.
That is where the fun began... the one 'sitter' who I spent most of my time talking to had also spent some time in Ashland, WI. Yeah, you probably don't know where Ashland is. You're not missing much. It's way up there in WI, but it gave us some common ground for conversation.
Then there was the sexy dude with tattoos who kept playing with his dick while he slept. Who I later found out was on probation from prison. Not sure why he had been in prison, I meant to ask, but got side tracked by his other conversations. It seems he was there because he tried to kill himself on anti-anxiety medication, but he had also been attacked by his pitbull while drunk. I'm not sure if the two had any relation to his being there .... but he was fun to talk with and decent eye candy. You gotta love hospital gowns, doesn't leave much to the imagination and he couldn't have hidden it too well anyway.
Why do I find those ruff ex-prison thug kinda dudes so hot?
The other two guys weren't anything exciting, but the one who came in right before I left added another touch of homo-erotica to my ER experience. Not only did he have to undo his gown to put it on a different way .. but don't people realize that when you're wearing a gown and lay in bed with your legs wide open you're not hiding anything. Maybe people aren't supposed to look - but shit, it beats out internet porn.
Okay.. enough of the hot dudes showing penis in the ER. The CT was done and things are normal. I give the doctor credit, he was trying very hard to be serious throughout the entire process. Although he broke into a little laugh when telling me to avoid sex for awhile and to try to 'take it slower' when I have an orgasm. Take it slower? wtf.... how do you take it slower?
It's really not something to fuck around with.. so when I 'resume' sexual activity or nut busting -- if the pain continues for more than a few moments I have to go back in right away and get more explorative tests done.
((sigh)) Now sex even has to have issues attached to it. Sheesh....
Anyway.. thanks to the beauty of insomnia, I once again haven't slept. So I am going to take a nap before I ramble away more in my tired state.
At first I thought it was odd, but didn't put much thought into it. Things happen and we all know that climax can be a really tense thing prior to the end result. It was the second time that I was about to get off and had this headache that I was begining to get a little worried.
More upset that I might have to endure headaches when trying to bust a nut than being bothered by the headache itself. That was until a friend of mine sent me a bunch of links regarding these sex-aches.
The links explained that these headaches sometimes occur in men and can last for an undetermined period of time.. then just stop. No big deal. The flip side was that it could be something more serious -- like internal bleeding.
Needless to say, the thought of something more serious freaked me out and I took my ass to the emergency room to have a CT scan done. I wanted to make sure that everything was alright inside my head. I am sure some people will still disagree that things are...
Why the emergency room? Well, I figured it would be quicker than driving an hour round trip to pay my doctor a $20.00 copay and get a piece of paper to go sit somewhere else and have the scan done. My doctor annoys me anyway. He's never been the same since the 'check up' that resulted with me hitting him in the chin (by accident!) with my dick...
So the emergency room sounded like a closer, quicker fix. I've learned that quicker is not the case with the ER. Even at 9:30am. However, after this ER experience, I really can't say I regret going...
When I finally got called back to my bed (E13) at around noon .. I walked in on a shared room with three other guys and two female 'sitters.' Kinda like adult babysitters... there to make sure no one does anything crazy or tries to leave. I think I was in a room with people that were not exactly there by choice.
That is where the fun began... the one 'sitter' who I spent most of my time talking to had also spent some time in Ashland, WI. Yeah, you probably don't know where Ashland is. You're not missing much. It's way up there in WI, but it gave us some common ground for conversation.
Then there was the sexy dude with tattoos who kept playing with his dick while he slept. Who I later found out was on probation from prison. Not sure why he had been in prison, I meant to ask, but got side tracked by his other conversations. It seems he was there because he tried to kill himself on anti-anxiety medication, but he had also been attacked by his pitbull while drunk. I'm not sure if the two had any relation to his being there .... but he was fun to talk with and decent eye candy. You gotta love hospital gowns, doesn't leave much to the imagination and he couldn't have hidden it too well anyway.
Why do I find those ruff ex-prison thug kinda dudes so hot?
The other two guys weren't anything exciting, but the one who came in right before I left added another touch of homo-erotica to my ER experience. Not only did he have to undo his gown to put it on a different way .. but don't people realize that when you're wearing a gown and lay in bed with your legs wide open you're not hiding anything. Maybe people aren't supposed to look - but shit, it beats out internet porn.
Okay.. enough of the hot dudes showing penis in the ER. The CT was done and things are normal. I give the doctor credit, he was trying very hard to be serious throughout the entire process. Although he broke into a little laugh when telling me to avoid sex for awhile and to try to 'take it slower' when I have an orgasm. Take it slower? wtf.... how do you take it slower?
It's really not something to fuck around with.. so when I 'resume' sexual activity or nut busting -- if the pain continues for more than a few moments I have to go back in right away and get more explorative tests done.
((sigh)) Now sex even has to have issues attached to it. Sheesh....
Anyway.. thanks to the beauty of insomnia, I once again haven't slept. So I am going to take a nap before I ramble away more in my tired state.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Resting..
Okay. I've been wanting to write all about Utah, but have decided to take a momentary break before I do that. I have to get a bunch of the pictures in order, catch up on a ton of email, and prepare for my next adventure...
..I'll write more soon and fill in the gaps about Utah.
..I'll write more soon and fill in the gaps about Utah.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Friday, September 09, 2005
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
There's only one reason to goto Salt Lake City..
And this is the mutha fuckin reason to fly five hours, get peanuts, be cramped, have only 3% alcohol, and have to deal with sexually oppressed - whacked out mormons.
Just one more day!! We're gonna party like it's 1999.
The new tattoo
... since I have no arm hair at the moment .. and my arm looks like a shaved chiuaua (sp) - this is all I am showing currently. ;)
What is your difference?
I decided to go run some errands. You know me and my busy life. I had to go tan (c'mon, it keeps the complexion clear) and pick up some things for my trip and tattoo from Giant. Did I ever mention that Giant has an awesome salad bar? Fuckin yummy -- as I sit here chompin away.
At the checkout there was this little blue sign that said Giant was taking donations for Hurricane Katrina. Woohoo! I was a little shocked that the cashier didn't know how to ring the donation in. No one else had done one with her and the person before me and after me didn't do it either. Now, granted, who knows what else they've done to help -- or how much they've given. God knows, my little donation won't do a lot, but maybe it'll provide a warm meal for someone or a blanket, socks, or shoes.
That lead me to wonder who is doing what to help. There are so many people out there who make millions in entertainment or sports. People who dropping a million would never impact. Oprah Winfry, Bill Gates, sports stars, celebrities.... Are they doing that? Are they helping?
I don't watch TV so I'll never really know unless it pops up on MSNBC while I am online, but I am curious.
What has our President done? Did he delay his reaction and delay help because he was mad that this shit cut his vacation short?
I think it's funny how the religious right is now saying that this was God's punishment on New Orleans and God's way of stopping the big gay party down there that was scheduled for that week. Southern Decadence or whatever.
So, okay.. LA - AL - MI were all affected. People died - gay, straight, whatever.
These people are saying that God is one lousey ass shot!
What, you don't think God could target a location and who he wanted to take out with pinpoint accuracy? He needed to do the sweep attack instead? Had to have a little curve for error?
Fucking insane.
Before you go trying to tell people what God is doing ... as if you have him on speed dial or direct connect .. why don't you attempt to be more Christ like yourselves?
People.... what an amazing bunch we are. I want some pez.
At the checkout there was this little blue sign that said Giant was taking donations for Hurricane Katrina. Woohoo! I was a little shocked that the cashier didn't know how to ring the donation in. No one else had done one with her and the person before me and after me didn't do it either. Now, granted, who knows what else they've done to help -- or how much they've given. God knows, my little donation won't do a lot, but maybe it'll provide a warm meal for someone or a blanket, socks, or shoes.
That lead me to wonder who is doing what to help. There are so many people out there who make millions in entertainment or sports. People who dropping a million would never impact. Oprah Winfry, Bill Gates, sports stars, celebrities.... Are they doing that? Are they helping?
I don't watch TV so I'll never really know unless it pops up on MSNBC while I am online, but I am curious.
What has our President done? Did he delay his reaction and delay help because he was mad that this shit cut his vacation short?
I think it's funny how the religious right is now saying that this was God's punishment on New Orleans and God's way of stopping the big gay party down there that was scheduled for that week. Southern Decadence or whatever.
So, okay.. LA - AL - MI were all affected. People died - gay, straight, whatever.
These people are saying that God is one lousey ass shot!
What, you don't think God could target a location and who he wanted to take out with pinpoint accuracy? He needed to do the sweep attack instead? Had to have a little curve for error?
Fucking insane.
Before you go trying to tell people what God is doing ... as if you have him on speed dial or direct connect .. why don't you attempt to be more Christ like yourselves?
People.... what an amazing bunch we are. I want some pez.
Reckless Abandon! Over here, please...
Hmmm. What is that? What did I do? I said what? No shit, really?
Don't think I said it just because I was fuckin twisted drunk. I may have said it with more (or less) umpf, but I said it all the same. It's kinda cool how drinking makes me lucid and wacked at the same time.
I have overcome my reliance on cigarettes. Fuck you RJ Reynolds! Focused will power is stronger than any chemical. I am just proud to be able to say it's done.
What's next on my agenda? Let's see ... hmmm .. can't cut out masturbation, that would really suck. So I guess the next thing to go for awhile shall be ... drinking.
People who know me and read that line will probably all gasp. An eerie silence around them, as they stare in wonder saying "It.. no.. is it? It can't be?!"
It is.
Fuck these silly games, right now is all about will power, self control, deeper enlightenment and higher goals. These petty tyrants which addict, destroy, and intoxicate can wait for now. I have other things to do.
I learn my lessons quickly. I adapt easily. I submit without hesitation. When it is time to stand, watch out.
Don't think I said it just because I was fuckin twisted drunk. I may have said it with more (or less) umpf, but I said it all the same. It's kinda cool how drinking makes me lucid and wacked at the same time.
I have overcome my reliance on cigarettes. Fuck you RJ Reynolds! Focused will power is stronger than any chemical. I am just proud to be able to say it's done.
What's next on my agenda? Let's see ... hmmm .. can't cut out masturbation, that would really suck. So I guess the next thing to go for awhile shall be ... drinking.
People who know me and read that line will probably all gasp. An eerie silence around them, as they stare in wonder saying "It.. no.. is it? It can't be?!"
It is.
Fuck these silly games, right now is all about will power, self control, deeper enlightenment and higher goals. These petty tyrants which addict, destroy, and intoxicate can wait for now. I have other things to do.
I learn my lessons quickly. I adapt easily. I submit without hesitation. When it is time to stand, watch out.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Jesus Christ is my Ninja...
Just a thought.. songs are often really good ways to tell people how you feel. So, without further ado, here's a song...
Video code provided by You made me gay fucker!
Video code provided by You made me gay fucker!
The Power of the Hypocrit..
Yay! Thanks to a friend, I was able to get my english-hebrew translation completed for my next tattoo. I'm a little sketchy (could be the lack of cigarettes causing an edge still) about how it's going to come out, but I think it should be pretty cool and a bit unique.
I'm almost done the inking ... just two more things I want to get done and I'm finished. Two more major points I want to express through the pain and extacy of being perma marked.
Last night Chris and I ventured to Lizard Lounge. LL used to be a weekly Sunday night tradition for us. Going last night reminded me of why we stopped in the first place -- I hate it. In fact, I got to share that hate with some hot colt looking dude from California. It's awesome how hate can bring people together.
Anyway -- it's HOT, the music is way too loud, it smells like the Eagle meets a perfume factory, because of all the people doing their drugs -- taking a piss is a time consuming task. Other than those few things, I guess it's a wonderful place to hang out.
I prefer to just drop things over the catwalk on the people below. That always proved entertaining.
So as the annoyance of LL peaked, Chris and I took off for Secrets. A much smaller crowd and a bunch of familiar people made it more pleasant.
I need to take some time off from the constant weekend nights out. Not because of drinking too much ( you can never do that ) or the finance side of it ... but just to detach from the other unhealthy aspects. It's fun, the attention is flattering, but it's also false and fleeting.
Daily I grow more annoyed with the hidden agendas of people.
Duality is something I can relate to. If you're hard & soft, shallow & deep, serious & flighty -- I can handle that. I can even understand it. It's the people who are one thing, yet hide behind the mask of another persona that really irritate me.
If there are two things I really hate in this world .. they are Cher songs and fake people.
Living life as if time is an unlimited resource. No thought to the lack of guarantees. No plan or focus. Just playing the game and rewriting the script.
Who am I to say anything, though...
I'm almost done the inking ... just two more things I want to get done and I'm finished. Two more major points I want to express through the pain and extacy of being perma marked.
Last night Chris and I ventured to Lizard Lounge. LL used to be a weekly Sunday night tradition for us. Going last night reminded me of why we stopped in the first place -- I hate it. In fact, I got to share that hate with some hot colt looking dude from California. It's awesome how hate can bring people together.
Anyway -- it's HOT, the music is way too loud, it smells like the Eagle meets a perfume factory, because of all the people doing their drugs -- taking a piss is a time consuming task. Other than those few things, I guess it's a wonderful place to hang out.
I prefer to just drop things over the catwalk on the people below. That always proved entertaining.
So as the annoyance of LL peaked, Chris and I took off for Secrets. A much smaller crowd and a bunch of familiar people made it more pleasant.
I need to take some time off from the constant weekend nights out. Not because of drinking too much ( you can never do that ) or the finance side of it ... but just to detach from the other unhealthy aspects. It's fun, the attention is flattering, but it's also false and fleeting.
Daily I grow more annoyed with the hidden agendas of people.
Duality is something I can relate to. If you're hard & soft, shallow & deep, serious & flighty -- I can handle that. I can even understand it. It's the people who are one thing, yet hide behind the mask of another persona that really irritate me.
If there are two things I really hate in this world .. they are Cher songs and fake people.
Living life as if time is an unlimited resource. No thought to the lack of guarantees. No plan or focus. Just playing the game and rewriting the script.
Who am I to say anything, though...
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Why do you haunt me...?
Sleep... it was so welcome at 6:30 in the morning after a long, hard, throbbing night of partying in DC's seedy district. Or tawdry district, depending on who you're speaking with. ;)
I'm freaked out by the fact that I still dream about my dead boyfriend. It's the same dreams, over and over again. There is no need to go into details, other than to say the dream is depressing and annoying. I'm just amazed that my mind continues to rehash those thoughts, concerns, and fears over a year past his death.
Today was a fun day. I hung out with a new friend, went to Towson Town Center - got some Sushi (killed his stomach and made me have to shit), saw the movie RedEye (Loved the fucking movie.. pretty intense), and walked around Barnes & Noble. Was definitely an enjoyable time and I am glad I went.
I picked up two new books. Niether of them being the book I really wanted, but they both seem like they'll be interesting. One on Kabbalah (no, i am not getting into Kabbalah stuff - just something to read for the hell of it) and a fiction called "Wicked. The life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West."
I rarely ever read mindless fiction, so I'm interested to see how into it I get.
Either way, it was fun. Now it's time to shower and head out... another night on da town! Woohooo....
I'm freaked out by the fact that I still dream about my dead boyfriend. It's the same dreams, over and over again. There is no need to go into details, other than to say the dream is depressing and annoying. I'm just amazed that my mind continues to rehash those thoughts, concerns, and fears over a year past his death.
Today was a fun day. I hung out with a new friend, went to Towson Town Center - got some Sushi (killed his stomach and made me have to shit), saw the movie RedEye (Loved the fucking movie.. pretty intense), and walked around Barnes & Noble. Was definitely an enjoyable time and I am glad I went.
I picked up two new books. Niether of them being the book I really wanted, but they both seem like they'll be interesting. One on Kabbalah (no, i am not getting into Kabbalah stuff - just something to read for the hell of it) and a fiction called "Wicked. The life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West."
I rarely ever read mindless fiction, so I'm interested to see how into it I get.
Either way, it was fun. Now it's time to shower and head out... another night on da town! Woohooo....
I don't have to justify anything..
It's been a little while since I had a night out that has me coming home at 6:30am. Whew.. I'm getting to old for these kinds of nights. Takes a toll on the old people, ya know?
My friend, Lil Chris, and I went to Secrets in DC. Our typical Saturday night hangout spot. This adventure had to be one of the more enjoyable nights there. Ran into Jeff, someone I've known and adored since I was 16, an ex-boyfriend John (not my dead John, that'd been a lil creepy), and then we made a decision that would forever change Saturday nights....
We went, next door, to HEAT...
Just imagine Three Ring Circus meets Gay Strip Club. It was fucking intense, insane, and surprisingly a lot of fun. I'd love to describe it in great detail, but it still feels so surreal .. I'm not even sure I can form a full sentence about it.
The night did pay off though as I made an excellent business contact for promotions. Not to mention, three really hot dudes all about the videos.
I have to drink some water and pass out.... just thought I'd post a lil somethin somethin.
My friend, Lil Chris, and I went to Secrets in DC. Our typical Saturday night hangout spot. This adventure had to be one of the more enjoyable nights there. Ran into Jeff, someone I've known and adored since I was 16, an ex-boyfriend John (not my dead John, that'd been a lil creepy), and then we made a decision that would forever change Saturday nights....
We went, next door, to HEAT...
Just imagine Three Ring Circus meets Gay Strip Club. It was fucking intense, insane, and surprisingly a lot of fun. I'd love to describe it in great detail, but it still feels so surreal .. I'm not even sure I can form a full sentence about it.
The night did pay off though as I made an excellent business contact for promotions. Not to mention, three really hot dudes all about the videos.
I have to drink some water and pass out.... just thought I'd post a lil somethin somethin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
