Wednesday, August 31, 2005
While there I ran into a dude that I call Thundercat. I've seen him around for a while now, but never really have taken the time to speak with him. I prefer to just call him a Thundercat, laugh and move on with other things.
Last night was a little switch to my typical interaction with TC because he saw me, made some little hand gesture (which I think was polite as opposed to fuck you), smiled and came over to talk.
I have to be honest, I've never paid him much attention prior to last night, but the moment he speaks -- it's like BAM!! This dude is a friggin hottie and that's not even touching on the body he's got. Face (yes, I am all about faces), movement, and his speaking make him a really intense package.
Plus he has this sweet, almost innocent nature to him which really is the opposite of his look and that just adds to the entire TC experience.
Anyway, I've been thinking about him since last night. After a few jo sessions and a half bottle of wet, I've come to the following conclusion:
This dude is the face of everything I do.
I want his image to be what represents the company and myself. He's perfect. Thus, the work begins...
I am now sitting down and making notes. I have a 1001 ideas to bring to fruition and I beieve TC will be the star of them all.
I borderline on nervous and excited. Scared and empowered. I want to make a bold, powerful impression upon Baltimore. Let them see I mean business ;) As for the competition, take no prisoners.
I spoke with the local gay paper, whos advertising rates I think are extreme for being a local homo paper, but maybe they do get around enough to make it worthwhile. It's just hard to part with the amount of cash they're asking for - when all I am doing at this point is putting the name into the heads of people. So that when we do launch, they've already heard of it and hopefully the curiousity has been built up enough to make them come look.
It better be. I just paid $175.00 for domain names. Sheesh.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Good call. Who knew a simple car wash could be so rewarding?
Then, of all things, I run into a friend from the gay bars in Baltimore - in all places, my straight dive hangout in Linthicum. Go figure?!
It definitely made for a nice closure to the evening. I'm actually excited about our upcoming work together. The meeting has taken care of some of my prior concerns.
Time for bed...
Monday, August 29, 2005
It was a nice time. Cozy. It's good to see my mother doing much better than she was before and to have her long streak of depression subdued.
** the rest of this post has become unnecessary. It's nice to have things as they should have been, without tensions or strife.
Be careful, you often times get what you wished for .. and not exactly how you wanted it.
Welcome back to the life of a pornographer. Good times. I can only imagine how this will add to all the stories about me already floating around. It is okay, though. All PR is good PR -- just make sure you get my name and the spelling correct.
Yesterday and today I have spent the majority of my time rekindling old contacts. Programmers, media, attorneys, the works. I am in turbo mode and on a deadline to have this 'thing' online and operating by the first of October. There is so much to do.
So much competition to snuff out. I'm just a little bit competitive.
I am also extremely nervous. Since I will be launching the surprise 'thing' in my own local territory -- my nerves are on end for how it will be received. As I like to do with everything, I am taking something typical and adding a twist to it. A little edge, if you will. Something to make it stand out and demand attention.
Now I get to put all my marketing and pr background to the test. If you're in the Baltimore/DC area, watch your local homo papers and bars for the 'lead in.'
Microsoft has one of the most incredible marketing strategies .. they are really a good company to follow if you're in that field. They build up great anticipation, mislead their competition, and steer their audience. All the while you probably don't even realize it .. it's a good system for delivery. So I will be borrowing some of their tactics, thanks Bill.
The house is clean (yay!) and I am getting things in order for my meeting tonight with two dudes who, if all goes well, will turn out to be some intense talent. They got that boy next door, thug appeal. A good smile, too, which will help in public.
I feel rusty, though. It could be because I am old -- well my eyes are old -- or simply nerves. I haven't had to do any of this in such a long time. I'm sure I'll fall right back into the flow of things, but it's just that initial anxiety that I'm dealing with at the moment.
Anyway, just thought I'd ramble a little bit -- clear my mind. I need to go hunt down a graphics friend... whoever is crazy enough to be following my life --> I'll keep you posted on what's going on and post some pictures of these people for your thoughts ;)
Saturday, August 27, 2005
So today N2 met me at Annapolis Mall for some shopping and lunch. Even though I was still hurting from my Friday night adventures at Central ... it was still nice to see him. We got a salad, walked around and did the clothes hunt. Ahh what is it with clothes now? Every store has the same damn thing with a different tag on it. Nothing really wow stands out. Of course, Abercrombie & Fitch had some half naked, ripped up dude at their entrance .. I guess they are trying to fight the boring clothes issue with sexual appeal.
So N2 managed to find some nice jeans (Oakley jeans R O C K) and I picked up some shirts from A&F that I probably won't ever wear. It's cute when you buy 'muscle' cut clothes, but aren't umm muscular. ;) I guess I'll have to wait six months to wear that.
Then I had to have pizza... I crave pizza whenever I smell it. So I figured "what the fuck?!" I might as well enjoy eating like that now .. as it'll be stopping in all of two weeks. So, I am getting my fill of the bad foods while I can.
Overall the Mall Experience was nice. I came to a few realizations during it, for whatever good they serve.
...what gives you the right to touch me there?... fucking hilarious.
What I really should be writing about is last night! Holy fuck! What a crazy ass evening and of all places in Baltimore.
Between my stalker who flat out told my friend that if I didn't give up my ass to him, he'd simply rape me (yeah good luck killer...) -- to the guy whos underwear I pulled off while he was dancing half-naked on the stage (for what purpose I'm not sure) -- to the fucking shot that did me in and had me in awful pain for 45 minutes...
....It was definitely an interesting evening. Speaking of interesting evenings, I have to prepare for another one.... RaWr!
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
.... while I suck on a Newport to ease my nerves. Someone needs to stop that addiction factory, I swear to God.
Hanging out with N2 always makes my day. So I endured my tiredness (as in the previous post) and managed to stay lucid for our dinner.
Not to be shallow, because that is certainly one thing that I am not. I have to say, though, that while N2 always looks good (that bastard) today he looked absofuckinlutely amazing.
Maybe it was his clothes. The tan skin. Who knows. Whatever it was, he looked like he had just stepped out of a magazine. The dude has got incredible eye appeal (that's far from all, but today it was on turbo - and made me say WOW.).
What's funny is that wow wasn't all I said. I had this feeling from the look on his face when I found him (ok ok he found me.. I am so blind.) that my first thoughts were "Wow. This is a shame."
Part of me thinks writing about this is wrong. However, I do know some people having been following the "sitch" (good slueth work to know there was one, guys.) and I adore Mike, regardless, so I have nothing bad to say. What harm is there then? It's a blog for Christ sake -- that's the point of it.
I won't be verbose about the situation and try to get to the climax quickly. During dinner, which was nice, I had this foreboding feeling. There was something in his eyes that didn't seem right. An uneasiness. It was starting to make me nervous and when I get nervous I laugh. Go figure. So I knew something was up and I knew what it was.
I've been waiting for it to happen for a little bit. Just riding the wave until the final destination. I know part of me was hoping I was incorrect about that destination. Today we arrived and I wasn't. Sadly enough.
On the way out from dinner, N2 wanted to walk me to my car and have a 'talk.' The moment I heard that word (talk) my entire body went numb. So to keep my composure and to attempt to help him (in the event it was difficult) I threw some jokes in and tried to play a little stupid...
....Then my self-defenses kicked in. I really didn't want to hear it from him. I think had I allowed him to say whatever it was he wanted to say ... it would have probably made me emotional. So, to make it easier on both of us, I cut him off and beat him to the punch. "It's alright - I already knew."
I'm afraid that in my doing so I came across cold, uninterested, and without concern. You can't hurt me if I don't care, right? Truth is ... I was none of those things. I was sad and hurt.
I have to (and I do) give him a ton of credit. Chivalry and tact are not dead, not with him. He made a point of trying to ease my esteeme while delivering his message. It was thoughtful, sweet, and meant a lot to me.
Oddly enough, it's not my ego or pride that is hurt or sad. I'm sad because the interest waned with someone incredible. A rare breed. N2 is as incredible inside even more so than outside -- and let me tell ya, that's a lot of incredible.
I also feel defeated a bit. That, I will say, is a selfish and childish feeling for me to have. I do, though. You see, there was someone who told N2 not to date me. I think part of me wanted to prove that person wrong. In the short time we hung out together, I hope I did.
When you truly like someone, unselfishly, what is best for them and will make them happy is what matters. This is one of those cases. Be it me, someone else, or alone -- N2 is an awesome guy and I want him to be happy. When he does find that person they are going to be very lucky. Of course, if they hurt him, I'm gonna break their legs. ;)
So while I'm definitely sad ... I'm happy to have a friend in him. Intimacy is not as important as that. Nothing is changed, just redirected. I adore him just the same.
So after the 'we should just be friends' talk -- I needed some time to get myself together and decided I'd take my jeep to the carwash. It really needed it. I think I was pushing the "jeeps are supposed to be dirty!" threshold. I'm not a big car person - I tend to get one, run it into the ground, and get another one.
Kinda like men, I guess.
I've been up since 2:00am, so I have not gotten the sleeping correctly portion of my "Major Life Changes" in order... yet. I am still gonna work on that one. Right now I am trying to stay awake until a normal hour. Hoping that I can crash and sleep until a normal hour. This remains to be seen. Wish me luck!
In two weeks I pack my bags for Salt Lake City. Ahh nothing like mormons and backstreet boys. For those uninitiated few, I kid you not, every guy in SLC looks like he walked out of a boy band. I am not saying if that is good or bad, just interesting. I also like the horrified look on their faces when you say the word "Fuck!" to them. In mormon tongue I believe it is 'friggin' which makes saying "What the fuck is friggin?!" even more enjoyable.
Nothing like tormenting some mormons....
It's going to be a short jaunt, with long layovers, to see the one of my best friends. It should prove to be an interesting trip. We're both a bit wild when we drink .. so who knows what'll happen. My next blog could possibly be a voice one from some jail cell in SLC. ;)
That trip is not my holiday, however. Jason needs a Holiday. Ooh yeah... Oooh yeah... some time to celebrate.. Ooh yeah... Ooh yeah...
..my bad, momentary gayness.
Not like I really do anything to be deserving of a Holiday. I fight with that a lot; the deserving part. I mean, it's not like I'm busting my ass working and cleaning and cooking. All the same, I have stress regardless and some time away would be friggin wonderful.
I long for sun (I'll burn in five minutes, good times.) and palm trees. Palm trees rock, you know. Wanna make me happy? Give me a palm tree. I prefer you give me a palm tree, in the yard of a house, in somewhere other than Maryland. However, I'll settle for one you blow up at this point.
I am debating Hawaii. I've never been there, I hear it is beautiful, it has palm trees, sun, and cool things. It is also a long ass flight, you're stranded on an island, it has volancoes, and who knows what you do while in Hawaii. I can't imagine it being as happening as say .. some country in Europe.
While I won't have to worry about the evil Euro to USD conversions, I've also heard everything in Hawaii is inflated beyond belief. Which kinda sucks. I wonder if I can plant a dollar bill...
.. don't try that yourselves. I did it when I was like six years old and to this day, the bastard has yet to grow or even come outta the ground.
I am trying to ramble and keep myself awake so I can have dinner with the N2 ninja tonight... I fear I am not going to make it. That really sucks...
I only have to last an hour and then drive 25 minutes.... I must.. hold... on...
lol -- bye for now.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Perhaps for reasons I cannot control, but could possibly had put some effort into hindering -- I just caught myself transfixed in my reflection. Studying myself, as if overlays of previous years and months were being lifted and dropped over me.
I had a very active life when my boyfriend was alive. I worked insane hours. Often 12 at my store, then to the gym with my boyfriend for two more, than home (or out) for what quality time we could achieve together, and then onto the computer for 5 or more hours doing more work. Very structured. The routine was almost unbreakable, unless something of extreme value was going on. It was my lifestyle for almost seven years.
Then it changed. I may have enjoyed the break from the restraints of structure and routine. I partied, I traveled any place that the whim hit me to go -- many nights I found myself bored at 7pm and by 10pm I was on may way somewhere else. I shopped, I relaxed, I had 'fun.'
I used to tell my friends that it was just a process of healing. I needed the break to regroup and refocus myself. Three months in a Orlando hotel, drinking and going out .. wasn't exactly regrouping.
What I knew the entire time, behind my closed smiles and self-defenses, was that I wasn't trying to regroup or to refocus. I was trying to run. I was going anywhere and eveywhere I could possibly think of looking for a place that I felt I could belong. A place that held no memories, no past, only what I wanted to make of it.
My friends were good to me. Supportive, thoughtful, understanding. As we exchanged advice with one another. I've always been better at listening and giving -- than I have been at telling and hearing.
The mirror, however, it's impact put to shame any words of advice or thoughtful suggestions on the part of my friends. While I looked at myself, I could hear my past boyfriend speak ... the many hateful, hurtful things he'd said before. I looked and I saw that they were coming to fruition.
Enraged, sad and motivated all by an image, a thought, a memory.
So I have decided that Monday I start back with Yoga (don't laugh - it looks crazy as hell, which is why I can't do it unless it's private) and back to Golds. I avoided Golds at first because of memories and then because I didn't want to go alone. Fuck it. I can go alone, big deal. Just cause 99.6% of the people there can benchpress me with one hand doesn't matter. Not anymore, at least.
I also decided that rather than doing 24 to 36 hour days, as I do now, I will simply go ahead and take the ambien. Maybe after a few weeks of regulating my sleeping pattern it'll be normal again. You have no idea how embarassing it is when someone asks you "So when did you get up?" and you have to say "Oh, 5pm!" ... knowing that person just spent their entire day at work.
I will be back to work again, fully, before the month is over -- so I have to curb the chronic insomnia issues anyway. That'll take care of the embarassing wake up times in itself.
Smoking. Well smoking I go back and forth with. I had quit, cold turkey, prior to a surgery I had. Simply because I didn't want complicatins and I wanted to heal well. Amazing what you'll do when it's a 'pressing' issue, huh? I started again after my boyfriend passed (stress, ya know!) and since then, it has been off and on. Cut back. More intense. Stopped. A complete roller coaster. I hate it. The way it smells, the way it tastes. Right now I am doing really good and smoking very rarely - but the gym and running again will put an end to that, too.
Then there is my personal business decision. It's 90% made. My heart is held somewhere, very deeply, and I think I will go back to focusing my efforts in making a difference there. It can be my good deed or giving back to society.
So if in future posts you see me sway from the things I've said, please by all means feel free to call me on it. Lay into me. Chew me out. Sometimes it is good to have nice gentle 'yo, you're fucking it up fool!" kinda push...
Now I need to go make some plans for a weekend in the sun. I need to feel something other than the lighting in my room. It's not like there are a ton of places to go, in Maryland, by yourself to be outside.
Okay... that's all for now.
'What you didn't hope for happens more often than what you hoped for.'
Friday, August 19, 2005
Now it is all starting to wind down. Thank God. It is definitely not a moment too soon. I was begining to wonder how much more resolve I had in me before I'd break. At least I know that I have a lot.
New job offers are pouring in. Good timing for that too, as the savings I've been using for the past year of 'clear my mind time' is begining to wear thin. A couple of the offers are worthwhile and one (for a 'friend' who owns a software company) gives me the option to work from home, be paid well, and schedule my own hours. Now that I'm down with. Who knows, I may end up back with the family HVAC stuff shortly -- it seems they need me. Or need me to teach a few people there some things I was involved in.
I believe in setting little goals for yourself that step towards your long term objective. So, I've laid those out. What's left of my 'life goals' is now on the table and being worked towards. Well, maybe not the last of my goals -- but the last one that I'm pressed for.
Very few things excite me or impress me. At least it makes me easier to please.
I do need to get my ass re-focused and go back to the doctors. I have never scheduled the second biopsy for my thyroid -- dumbass... dumbass... dumbass. This will serve as a reminder to myself to fuckin do it.
Anyway.. so tonight (Friday) was kinda fun. I missed out (I think) on hanging out with someone .. and got a call from my straight friend to come hang out. So I drove down to Edgemere (Dundalk, whatever you call it) and picked him up. Cool guy, 25, kinda redneck - but he's fun to hang around. So we (he) decide to go over to this strip bar called Skins and off we go..
For a tit bar it wasn't too bad. The crowd looked decent, they weren't very loud or annoying (except for the one drunk dude who insisted on talking to me half the night), and the girls -- well at least most of them looked 'clean.'
We drank, he tipped, I watched the crowd and tried to ignore the drunk dude .. and then on the prowl came this kinda older looking asian dancer girl. She headed over to where my friend and I were at the bar, stooped down and started talking to him. Although, while she was talking to him .. she kept looking over at me. I'm really into the dick thing, despite having a bisexual tendency, so it really did nothing for me. More annoying than anything else....
....Anyway a few moments later and BOOM. There she was. Typical conversation ensued - where ya from, how old, yada yada.. I humored the conversation and then she said "I'm going to go write my number down, call me and let's go out and party together!" and off she went.
My friend was not pleased. He started making comments about how typical it is that he goes out with a fag to a titty bar and the fag winds up getting the dancers number when he wants to bone her.
I told him I'd sell the number to him for a beer, but he wasn't buying it. Damn it.
Anyway, so she drops her number off and goes back to finish her set or whatever. We drink our beers, hang out a little more and then decide to go. I didn't wanna stay and drink or get drunk when I have to drive home on some back roads and shit.
So into da jeep and onward to heteros house we ride... pimpin some tunes.... and discussing the evening..
B O O M mutha fuckin B O O M (( that's supposed to sound climatic!))
He starts asking me what its like to suck dick, have a guy suck your dick, if I ever fucked a guy before, and if I'd LET a guy fuck me...
So he's talking all freaky and shit .. like a mix between being really buzzed and about to bust a nut. So I am trying to drive and watch him to make sure he isn't jerking off in my ride ( i dont want no one spreadin their seed in my jeep - making it smell like clorox) or attempting to reach for me.... Cause - while he's not unattractive - I'm just not out to be fooling around with other people at the time. Plus this is my anti-homosexual friend at that.. which made it all that much more uncomfortable.
So on the way to his house (which luckily was really close) i have to field more questions like "do you think I'm hot?" "I'd goto a gay bar with you" "You wanna come in, have a beer, watch some porn?" -- Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
So .. I goto the titty bar, I get a bitchs number and my straight friend turns into a wanna-be cock fiend on the way home.
What the fuck.
It'll be funny to see how long he goes without calling me after last night. I am sure (or I am hoping) that when he comes too from being a lil fucked up .. he's gonna be horrified by the shit he said. That should be fun... I can't wait for that call... "Umm.. did I say anything strange last night?"
...."Nah! All good, you just said you were a repressed homosexual, that's all."
:) He's a good guy -- so end of story -- got eninem home safetly and without being ass raped or touched .. dropped him off... drove over the big, scurry, key bridge -- got my ice cream and coffee (gotta love dunkin donuts) and got home in one piece RaWr!
... eh, my life is boring -- what can I say..
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Okay, so a mind is a terrible thing to waste, but I saw MANPOWER and couldn't help but think that they might be an excellent source for a job. So I gave em a call.....
..of course I am a bit tired, it feels like I've been up for days ...and it was hard to talk slow... all the same the call went on.
They didn't offer much help, but at least they thought about it. It's a shame I couldn't get the first five calls to post - they were much much better.
Monday, August 08, 2005
While it may seem odd to people who know me, because of my crazy past of searching and trying different belief systems, I do not believe in dream interpretation. No person or book is going to be able to tell me what my mind is rambling off. If you believe in it.. rather than paying $19.95 for that book or $10.00 for a palm reading -- simply call me. I'll be happy to take your money and put it to better use.
I got this idea while driving around today (driving is my personal time) that I'd take a moment and talk about some of my dreams. It may humor, frighten, or leave you wondering --- but what the fuck. It's not like I control what my mind spits out.
I don't come from a religious family. We never went to church, although I think we tried it on a couple holidays as a passing fade. Kinda like StarBucks coffee. However, my dreams (even as a child) have always been somewhat religious.
The dream I remember most started around the time I was five. It may have been sooner, I'm not sure. I have an interesting memory of those early years. I think my most distant memory was being in my crib - in one of those little one piece kid outfits wanting to move and being unable to. It's amazing I can remember that experience (and the feeling associated with it) probably 30 years ago and yet can barely remember what I ate for breakfast. However, that's just a side comment. Back to the dream....
So the five year old dream: It was always the same. A black room, square. No windows or doors. In the center suspended was an american flag. I never saw myself in the dream, as in a third person sense, I was just there as I would be anywhere else. Out of nowhere would run this little red devil looking guy and he'd set the flag on fire. No emotional response from me, I'm just watching all this. Then there would be Jesus (okay don't laugh) and he'd tell me that he needed me to help him put the fire out. So BOOM I would suddenly have this bucket of salt water (gotta love dreams) and run over.. douse the fire and wake up.
This dream was almost nightly, as far as I can remember, for probably a year or so. What makes me curious about it is my age and the symbolisms. I know where Jesus came from, because he looked the same as he did in a painting that hung in my grandmother's house. As for the flag, salt water, and little red devil guy - I'm clueless.
As I got older, the dreams changed slightly, but kept a religious under-tone. When I was twelve-ish and in my dirt bike racing days I began to have dreams that the little devil guy was on a dirt bike racing through my neighborhood trying to find me. So I'd always be running and hiding someplace to avoid him. He never did find me. I was slick, even in my dreams. ;)
All the nightmares I had though lead to my mother telling me, when I was young, something that would come in handy many years later. She said that when I had a bad dream to wake myself up. It didn't make much sense then, but around the time I was seventeen it started to.
How the fuck do you wake yourself up when you're dreaming? Crazy bitch. Well that's kinda what I thought when she first said it. Minus the bitch comment, I don't think I knew that word then.
As I got older, my dreams got more intense. My dreams are 80% of the reason I have a hard time watching supernatural horror movies. They freak me out. Like NightMare on Elm Street - can't watch it. You'll see why in a moment and my dream experiences came before the movie ever existed.
So while I had those dreams I've already mentioned, I also had nice ones too and the simple falling and other types. It wasn't always freaky religious stuff, just so ya know.
At around seventeen my 'bad' dreams took on a new focus. Now they weren't so much 'bad' or 'religious' as they were just creepy and frightening. The first time it happened is the most vivid one.. so I'll tell you that story:
I was dreaming of nothing special. Just going places, traveling around. I began to have a lot of dreams about traveling. No idea where -- just places. At some point, I woke up and was hungry. So I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I was kinda dazed, which I attributed to just waking up, but when I got into the hallway what I saw began to worry me.
The nightlite in the hallway which should have been on my left, was now on my right. Everything I was looking at was reversed of where it should have been. While I stood there trying to analyze the situation and figure out why I was so dazed from just waking up -- it struck me. I was NOT awake yet.
Now if you have never experienced that - you're not going to fully understand the impact. I was horrified, shaking. I thought I was dead. How coud I be fully conscious, standing there in my hallway able to rationalize everything - if I wasn't awake.
I screamed and no sound came out. I knew I was screaming, I could feel the stress of it, but nothing. I tried what my mother had told me so long ago and was fighting to open my eyes - the problem was they were already opened. At least to my mind.
I was crying, I was upset .. I had no idea what to do. I mean, come on, I am fucking awake and thinking but I'm not. I pulled it together after what felt like a long time of being crazed and walked into the kitchen. I tried to pick up the phone, but couldn't. It wasn't like my hand went to it or thru it - It was more like I didn't have any hands to touch it with.
So.. a little more curious than afraid now (no point in being afraid if you can't do anything about the situation - might as well ride it out) I went to the front door.
This is where the experience became dream like again - the door opened and as I walked outside suddenly all the other doors to the complex opened and out came the people who lived there. They were all grabbing their throats and gasping for air. Falling to the ground. This was it - I was spooked as a mutha fucker and with every once of energy I had forcefully willed myself awake. Then I was.
Sitting up in bed, shaken .. disturbed. According to the clock, I was asleep for less than 15 minutes. It had felt like hours.
I never had a dream like that again (nor do I want to) but I can say that for well over two years I had many where I was lucid and conscious, yet not awake.
If you've ever heard of an OOBE and thought it was a joke. I will tell you, it certainly is not. I do not know exactly what they are, what causes them, where you are when you're in them or what meaning they have -- but I will say that I've had my share and experienced things that will forever impact my core beliefs.
There is a distinct difference between dreaming, lucid dreaming and an OOBE.
As I got older the dreams got less interesting. Some strange shit here and there.. some strange traveling.. nothing of note. Not until my last boyfriend.
I don't know if it was the stress of the relationship, the lack of trust I had in him or what. Yet for the seven years we were together, I must have had a nightmare about him at least twice a month.
Shortly after his death, I had one experience that I cannot classify. Maybe it was a lucid dream - maybe an OOBE. It wasn't exactly bad, just interesting.
I dream about him every now and then, although now they are not the nightmares they were when he was alive. Just random memories (for the most part) that my mind shoots out.
Nightmares have stopped. I haven't had one in well over a year.
I could write pages and pages about these things, but I think my post has gotten too long as it is. So, I'll stop it with one last dream story -- one last experience that again has impacted my belief system and made me wonder about how we're all connected...
My best friend and dirt bike riding partner (back in the day) was Lori Duckworth. Talk about a tomboy. Anyway, her family was definitely a bit hardcore redneck - but they were always very good to me. Even though I was obviously a hardcore homo back then. Odd friendships.
Anyway.. years after our friendship when I was in my late twenties, I had a dream about her. It was Lori, her mother, and me standing on a train platform. Her mom was waiting for the train to come and had TONS of luggage. When the train, a really old steam locomotive, pulled in her mother turned to me and said take good care of Lori. This caused me to begin crying .. and I hugged her, said okay, and cried hysterically as she got on the train and it pulled away.
A few days later, and curious about Lori due to the dream -- I gave her a call. We talked briefly, just catching up and then I asked the big question: "Hows your mom?"
The bomb dropped -- "She died a week ago from problems caused by smoking."
...Shortly after I got home, my friend Chris H&M called and asked if I would come out to Central Station and have a drink with him. Since I haven't seen a lot of him lately and I wasn't tired .. I said sure and went out to hang and talk.
I was feeling a little busted, so I threw on a baseball cap and my 'super gay' arm sweat band. I really wasn't out to impress anyone and figured that outfit would do the trick at being even more non-impressive...
What gets me is that throughout the night ... three random people end up telling me they've had crushes on me. One to the point where he remembered me being at his work months ago (he's a waiter) on a date and telling me how he sat across from us just to listen to me talk. He even remembered my conversation and my emphasis on long term, monogamous relationships...
However, he had never spoken to me -- even though he's seen me out for a long time -- until tonight....
I'm really shocked by it. I don't see myself as being someone that people have crushes on .. or being someone that people are nervous to approach.
I had brief conversations with the three, but had to keep it on the level and let them know that I am not looking for someone. I have someone that I'm intersted in.. so that's my one and only focus....
All the same, it is flattering and awkward. I guess I don't give myself credit, who knows -- I mean, I'm never going to have an ego -- it's not me ... but it does feel good.... strange, too...
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Okay, so is it really too much to want a talk show? Okay, well maybe not a talk show -- maybe a talk show meets MTv's boiling point meets Jackass. Just give me a TV camera, a crew, and let me go wild -- trust me the results would be entertaining. Well, at least to me... can't speak for the innocents in my path.
I've been sitting around thinking about my career. What does Jason wanna do? I've monster dot comed probably through 500 jobs, I've debated producing porno again, I've (for about 30 seconds) debated working for my father again.. but I think I'd rather sit thru a Cher concert before I did that. Oi vey!
So what would I enjoy doing? I'd enjoy winning powerball, I'd enjoy traveling and telling people about it -- that is my passion and what I've done for the last year. I'd enjoy working my creative side (a lil background in marketing, pr, and advertising there) --- I'd enjoy going out... I'd enjoy rambling on and on. I'd enjoy helping people and making a difference.
I got a charismatic gift for being able to go anywhere and mix well -- and for some reason I seem to be able to make people listen. That's another story, closely tied in with my past photographic and 'porn' stuff. Ahh.. those straight boys, they listen so well.
I also enjoy masturbating, but I don't foresee a career in that. Damnit.
It's really annoying. I mean, I gotta do something soon, my money won't last forever. Yet, it's hard to go from a year of being relaxed, traveling, and having fun to thinking "Ok what am I going to do that won't bore me..." Cause, ya know, employers can be really demanding of your time. Don't they know I have things to do. Bastards.
Then I just found out today that there is a gay TV Channel, owned by MTv, called Logo. I didn't know I got this gay Logo thing on my DirectTv! Channel 263 if you got DTv.
... which made me wonder why I don't have a show on there.
... which made me wonder what Oprah has that I don't. ((sigh)) Don't get me wrong, Oprah rocks....
Why can't world domination just be easier. Hmm.. maybe I should talk to Bush about that..
Ah fuck it....
Friday, August 05, 2005
Take last night, for example:
A decent meal, a good drink, an ice coffee, an icecream experience.....
.... a nice walk (although I like to bitch when I walk, cause I am not a walker. I'll save that for malls when I'm 70. Okay well, let me rephrase, that I'm not a nasty weather walker.)
A peaceful, sleeping heartbeat....
A casual brush against someone.... as an acknowledgement that you're enjoying their company..
It's the cozy things, with the hint of intimacy that are so nice...
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Well, we talk on yahoo now and then. Just random chit-chat with an innuendo thrown in from time to time. Why not? He's a good guy, good to talk to.
Tonight I saw him online and had to IM him. This time it was more fun, because he and I had something (someone) in common and I wanted to mention that. Moreso, I wanted to mention a comment he made when he saw the other guy and myself out at Secrets ("Now that's a video I'd want to see."). Flattery is always so nice...
Anyway, a few clicks into the IM and he's telling me to "swing by and suck me off..." -- In a way that is a little degrading, but I understand his position. He's not looking for a relationship, just an on call fuck buddy and I am sure there is many a gay man ready to take that role.
However, I am not one of them. I explained to him that our 'mutual friend' is someone that I'm interested in and because of that (I wouldn't have driven there at 2am anyway) I can't do that.
It's just how I am. The moment I know that a person I'm interested in is someone I want to be with.... I can't hookup with other people. It just doesn't feel right to me. I don't care if they are Mr. USA - What I want is the person I'm into, no one else.
So, very nicely, I tell him -- that I simply can't. I want this other dude. I want him for a boyfriend, I want him intimately, I want him for as long as possible. I also explained a little bit of how I feel it's wrong to hook up with other people, when you're trying to build something with someone else.
Granted.. nothing official has been said. It hasn't been put into words or even discussed for that matter. Yet, I just feel like it's going in that direction and that's enough for me to focus 100% on it. I know he likes me and I fucking adore him. So no piece of dick, or quick fling is worth it to me. Those things can't compete with the feelings he gives me.
Plus, trust me, kissing him ... holding him... or being intimate with him is more than enough to satisfy. He's got the total package deal going on.
Anyway... my point to all this. I thought of this 'other' guy as a semi-friend. We've talked, we've made plans to hang out and shoot pool, yada yada.... it just wasn't always about sex.
Well, I think I've been corrected.
The moment I told him I couldn't hook up, because there is someone that I am interested in that was it. No more IMs, nothing. Moments later he simply logged off.
You know what.. GOOD! What the fuck. I am not your friggin cum dumpster, faggot. Go out, do your thing and make random hookups. I am trying to build something meaningful that could last a lifetime. I am not interested in your cheap sex. Shit, I got my hand.
Even more importantly, I got someone that I am talking to .. hanging out with .. and being intimate with who is fucking GOLD. A diamond. He's awesome, he's rare and he's worth a hell of a lot more than what you can provide me in the 5 minutes before you bust a nut.
I'm happy I had that little IM conversation - it's food for thought and it seperates the chaff
I don't want random hookups... the walk of shame. I don't want to give myself to someone that simply sees me as an object to fulfill their needs. I want someone I can grow with, experience life with, cry, laugh.... someone I know I can be sad around and see their face and feel better.
What I want is what I already am working on... that's enough for me.
Monday, August 01, 2005
I have never gone to a clinic before. Knock on wood, I've never had the need to go. In 33 years I've never had an STD and those super-mutant crabs I got from the sleeping sofa in Rehobeth don't count!
Today was different. I had decided last night that I would go this morning (which turned to be afternoon... snooze.. snooze... unplug.) to the Chase-Brexton clinic in Baltimore and get an HIV/STD test done. I had a test done 4 months ago, because of something else, and can count on less than one hand how many people I've been with since then. Yet, since there is someone (can't imagine who that could be!) that I am seriously interested in, intimately, I decide testing is fair - considerate - responsbile.
And hell, I'm a fucking FCR kinda guy!
I would have gone to see my regular doctor, but he's in WhiteMarsh. Not only is that a 30 minute drive, but he's also a prick. A PPO prostitute, if you ask me. No matter what you call for, you have to drive in -- pay your co-pay -- THEN they'll discuss it, prescribe it, or tell you it's nothing to worry about. Screw that whore - which reminds me, I'll have to post the viagra story sometime. It could be why he's a prick.
So I figure clinic! It's close (10 mins as opposed to 30), it's confidential, it's quick and CityCafe is next door so I can get a latte after my test! Rock on.
Well, I arrive and the problems start immediately. I cannot get into their super secure medical facility. I stand at the automatic door, which won't open and welcome me in. I pace back and forth. I wave at the little electronic eye. I even push the door a little bit. Nothing happens.
Then I see it... the buzzer. I also notice the camera and can only imagine how much fun they had watching me stand there like a complete idiot. I push the buzzer and immediately the door opens (yep they were watching!).
So up I climb to the third floor. In hindsight, they really should have posted warnings about what you'd encounter on the third floor. However, considering the enjoyment they probably got out of watching me on camera -- I can see why they don't.
When I walked into the testing reception area I stopped. In front of me was a small sea of freakiness. A woman yelling to no one about what somebody put into her water bottle, a man who I think was playing with himself, a couple of kids who needed to be on ridilin, and a couple other gay dudes. Let me just say, that while I know I shouldn't be shocked, I am. Tell me why are these gay dudes going to cruise me in the midst of HIV/STD testing?
So I went to the reception counter to sign in. Ahhh.. the cute little smiles on their faces confirmed the camera theory. Then I am given the forms to fill out. I know all doctors offices have forms. What I didn't know was that clinics have those forms, plus these forms, plus two other forms, and a few additional forms. I now may need to see my doctor for carpel tunnel.
Then the wait begins. What I thought would be quick, was not quick. I was assigned the number of 19. fiften minutes... twenty minutes... thirty minutes... how long does it take to swab a mouth or prick an arm?
When I did finally get called, brushed the cobwebs off, and walk back for my first test -- the people were nice enough. I got asked my entire lifetime sexual history, which resulted in a good amount of jokes and laughter, then I got to swab my gums for the 20 minute speedy HIV test.
It'd be cool if they made the swab bubblegum flavored.
I was all happy thinking I was on my way to being outta there, when I was told to go wait in the hallway to have my blood drawn for the other STD tests.
five minutes... ten minutes... fifteen minutes... twen -- ooh wait, it was my turn to go in and talk with nurse #2.
Once again I recapped my sexual history. Explained why I was there and had a qtip shoved down my throat. Pissed in a cup and had some really nice, but ready to go home, woman take my blood.
Okay.. made it past that point. So back to waiting I went, this time it was only five minutes and I was ready to see my HIV results. This is what really got to me. Instead of calling me into the room and just telling me poz/neg - it was done sorta gameshow style:
I walked in and there on the table were three HIV test swabs. All facing backwards. She asked me for my little confidentiality card and found the swab which was mine. Then she told me to take my swab, turn it around and I could see my results. I was waiting for Bob Barker to come out and tell me what I might win. He didn't though, so I turned the swab and saw the little line. Negative!
I'll leave out how I raced to get out of there .. happy to be free of the clinic.
What I did find interesting, during my conversations with the nurses, was that they have an HIV morning after type of cocktail. Did you know that if you had sex with someone and was afraid you'd been exposed to HIV you could go there and get that? I didn't. I just found it rather interesting. If it works, it's an awesome idea for people, but I am not sure why they don't make it public knowledge.
Maybe people would not take the risks as serious if they knew. Who knows. I am just happy to be out of there and have it over with.
Okay, so as a kid I always day dreamed about what it would be like if I could fly. Of course, I also daydreamed about doing a few of my neighbors, too. All the same -- I always wanted the ability to fly. Now, as an adult, I'd still like the ability to fly - because driving often gives me roadrage.
I'd have to say, though, that if I was a SuperHero -- I'd be one of the good guys. Maybe not if I had X-Ray vision or MindControl, but I'd at least be a good guy 98% of the time.
My roommate (who has only been my roommate for four days now) came upstairs last night and said "You're always on your computer!" The way he said it suddenly made me feel like a small, geeky, loser nerd kinda guy.
Then it hit me. He's always drinking or turning tricks! Ya know, so what's wrong if I'm on the computer? I never watch TV (its rare - super, super rare). So if I am not on the computer doing some kind of work, research, contacting people, or entertaining myself -- I'm reading a book. Not as if TV is any more beneficial an outlet.
The computer entertains me. I can sit here looking busted, it costs me no money, I can talk to friends and I can play online with friends. It's cheaper than going out and doesn't come with a hangover.
I always said if I met a guy that was into online gaming, too, that it would be a match made in Cyber-Heaven. I had gotten my previous boyfriend hooked on a game I play online, but that ended up in heated arguements and screams of "You let the dragon kill me!" -- lol -- I guess it beats "You cheated on me!" Well, he did that, also... but not important now. Can't cheat where you're at, Fukka!!!!
Okay, that was really a tasteless joke, but I can do it. I meant it in a loving way.
I am a phases kind of guy. Like I'll be really into going out for a while, then it'll phase out and I'll be into staying home and reading. Then playing games, then watching movies, etc., etc.
The real point to this post was about something other than gaming, though. It was more about how I wish I could change things for the people I care about. I know that seems to be a reoccuring message in my posts, but it's just a lot of things are going on currently that lend to those thoughts.
Today I got a phone call from my best friend. She had driven herself to the ER. It seems that after taking cold medicine and an ambien to lay down and goto sleep ...in her daze she ended up taking seven more ambien. SEVEN and still only slept two hours -- talk about a resistance.
This poor girl. She's so incredibly smart, beautiful, heartfelt and together -- that it is awful to watch this emotional roller coaster she's riding. I know it's only going to be temporary, but temporary is no help at this exact moment.
It just shows how powerful the heart is and how important emotions are. I think a lot of people sidestep those things. Money, material items .. they all seem to be what grabs and motivates people -- but honestly, when everything else is gone, all you have left is heart and feelings.
They are invaluable things. Something to safeguard, to cherish, and to share. We just need to be careful who we share 'em with. In her case, it was the wrong person. It happens, though, as disappointing as it is. I believe for every misplaced emotion and heartache it's like another stepping stone is placed infront of us. You can either become jaded, afraid and stay where you are .. OR you can step up and continue stepping up until you reach the person that is waiting for you. The person who will validate all the hurt, remove the steps behind you and lay the new ones down for you to walk together.
She'll be fine, in time, I have no doubt.
....oh and whoever knows what games, I play, that those two pictures are from gets 50 points. :)
Okay, so I am sitting here at the computer debating if I feel like masturbating or not, when I decide to just go get a pack of cigarettes (I'll stop 100% when something happens that I am sorta hopin for.... no, not lung cancer - something else) and swing by Dunkin Donuts for some coffee and munchkins.
Munchkins fucking rock dude.
Anyway, I get my cigarettes in the gangsta Exxon and head down toward Dunkin Donuts.
While driving along minding my own business and singing the theme song to Kim Possible (please don't ask me why, I don't even know myself) I notice something out of the corner of my eye.
A spider. A little spider is hanging from a piece of web 4 inches from my face.
My reaction is cold and calculated. I am too into my Kim Possible theme song to get all worked up over this little assasin hanging there near my face. So, without effort, I flick him away.
In any normal situation, the flick would have done my evil foe in, but as fate had it - this time he just swung right back and disappeared.
That was it! Suddenly my testosterone dropped to dangerous levels and I was screaming, jumping and swerving between lanes (much to the dismay of the car behind me) in a desperate attempt to locate the little fucker.
Obviously he was an assasin on a mission and had done his job. I almost hit the curb, pissed off the driver behind me and was barely able to focus on the wheel.
Then.. I saw him. Trying to slip away under the protection of my seat belt clicky thing. I grabbed a shirt and SMASH! Took the fucker out.
Now I am here, enjoying munchkins and coffee -- when will they learn to stop trying to attack me...
Ahh, so here I sit before bed. Yes, I am really going to try and goto sleep before 2:00am -- talk about odd occurances. You might as well watch outside your window, you may see Haileys Comet fly by too.
This has been a weekend of good days, good times. It might be a bad thing, cause I might start expecting every day to be as enjoyable as these last few have been. This is going to mess up my version of reality, damnit. :)
Today (yesterday) Rebecca and I had the chance to go to a 'moving party' at N2's. Now, I love to socialize and I love to eat peoples food, but I've never been one for the 'house party' type of setting. Especialy when I am not familiar with many (or all) of the people who are going to be there. I can socialize and all that junk out at bars and stuff, but get me in someone's home and suddenly I feel a little nervous. Well, at least until the 4th beer....
This time was different, though. Everyone was just incredibly pleasant and welcoming. The whole house had this very cozy, inviting feeling to it. Not to mention, N2 does an incredible job at playing Host. So, instead of feeling nervous and out of place, it just felt like everyone and everything clicked well and moved along fluidly.
Rebecca enjoyed Sean (another blogger who is really fun. great energy and personality) and absolutely adored N2 .. who's Host skills have left her impressed.
I guess coming from a rather dysfunctional home -- I was really taken in by N2's family. His mother especially. She was very sweet, open, talkative and not that fake "oh let me be polite" talkative -- but really engaging and interested in the conversations she was a part of. The brother, wife and two kids were a sweet little family .. and the aunt who had an awesome smartass edge, but always that twinkle of fun in her eye, was fun to listen to.
What I didn't realize is that it seems people thought Rebecca and I were a couple -- which kinda happens often, but for some reason I thought the gaydars would have been stronger. :D
Simply said it was just a really fun time, wonderful people, and one golden host.
I still wanna know who called the stripper?! lol .. just kidding, damnit!