"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

I smoke too many cigarettes and I think too much. Take off on a trip and drink too much. Spend too many hours wondering too many things about what it is or what could have been.

Never stop to accept regret because every action has made me who I am. I couldn't stand where I stand or be half the man I am if I hadn't been determined to pave my own path.

But I can't help to wonder just where you are - at 3am when I can't sleep. When I pace the floor fighting to contain memories.

I know I act like I simply don't care, but everyone needs a method of defense.

I wonder what its' like when the strongest people are weak. When the ones you think never cry can't stop long enough to speak. Painful moments done really quick.

I wonder why this is starting to rhyme.... I feel like fucking Dr. Suess.

Things are well -- my knee hurts like a mofo -- I am done with the broken bone shit. I guess I learned my lesson about over drinking and trying to run the acrobat style.


Monday, October 22, 2007

When I think of the world today...

I have learned that we are more powerful than we think.

That we can overcome pain, loss and emptiness.

I have learned that sometimes walking through hell is our only way to reach Heaven.

I have learned to have faith, even in the face of complete destruction.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Well now, that was a dick that I was surprised to be impressed by!

If you're a regular reader and haven't caught on by now - despite my being a little neurotic at times, I am also incredibly sentimental and emotional. Don't let the emotional rumor get out too much, thanks.

With all this free time on my hands to be temporarily crippled, I started wondering what happened to people I went to school with. Picking a few names of people that impacted my school years - the fag haters, studs, hos, closeted curious bisexuals - I began searching myspace and other avenues to see what has become of them.

Not surprising, but many of the sexy in highschool guys are now far from being sexy. See what cocky gets you?

What really shocked me was to find that a rather plain guy I went to school with is now a rather well known pornstar gone mainstream actor. Talk about a shock, eh? Not that I should talk, I've done my share of things - not to that level - all the same damn .. it'd been nice to know where he was going back then.

Shameless plug: Jason Schnuit. Google that one if you want to get a look at the name going from porno to popular. Might as well check now when you'll get a chance to see his package. I don't know what vitamins this boy took, but yea, he is packing a small stable. Props to you Jason - you've become sexy and you got a big dick.

Of course, it's not all about package. Unless you're just looking for a quick trick in the back of an alley, a car, a train, a church, a habitat for humanity home..... whew..... sorry I was having flashbacks.

So while I am pimping the fact that he has become sexy and his parents can be proud that he is rather well endowed -- the real purpose is to say "Good job!"

There are few things more rewarding to me than to see someone I know, or have known, be successful and achieve their mark.

Of course a nice dick doesn't hurt either. Mines still bigger, damnit!

Things we take for granted

I guess you, or I at least, don't take the time to think about how meaningful the things we are able to do on a daily basis are. We fail to see the luxury of walking, talking, running. The amazing blessing of sight or the conscious shifting effects of smell. Unless you live in a nasty city or a farm, then I don't think it's really all that conscious shifting.

Since breaking my kneecap, I've come to appreciate the ability to walk. How effortless it was to move, to run and how nice it is to be able to go wherever, whenever.

I've come quite a way. I can move without crutches now. I am still not really bending my knee - only because it's so huge and feels so tight that I am afraid when I bend it my kneecap is going to shoot out my leg like one of those flying UFO toys -- but I am walking.

I made the mistake of reading comments on the Internet from people that have had knee surgery like mine. Of course, for every five negative comments there was only one positive. Refreshing, right?

Continued pain when kneeling from the screw and wire (that might mess up the sex life just a little), knee giving out on you when walking, limited range of motion, people having surgery a year or so later to remove the screw and wire because of pain, etc.


I am being positive here, though. I want full recovery. I won't mind a little bit of a gangsta lean, since that seems to be the in thing at the moment, but don't want to accept less than normal results.

While I am not a muscular person, I have always liked my legs since they managed to be muscular for some reason. Now... the brokenknee leg has lost all muscle tone. It's ugly. So I figured I would try doing some minor leg lifts to get some strength going again.

Then I found out it seems our brain shuts off connection to parts of our bodies that we don't use for awhile. This could explain stupid people. Either way, it's been depressing and a little painful (physically) as I try to change that and get my leg to raise and lower as much as possible.

I go back to work on Monday (( thank God! )) ... so I am hoping with all the travel that will be involved that this upcoming week provides some level of results.

I want to be 'normal' again!


Tuesday, October 16, 2007


What's new and exciting in my life? Not a whole hell of a lot.

It had gotten hectic for a bit, which is why I stopped blogging as much. Plus, I had run out of the energy to type about the events that were taking place. I had to live them once; typing about them was just too much.

It still fascinates me to think that people tune-in to read about my life or my strange thoughts. This has got to be one of the higher forms of flattery.

Even I'll take a moment sometimes to re-read posts I had made before. Trying to identify my more neurotic ways so that I can correct and avoid them in the future. Seems relationships are my kryptonite.

I was doing good with that. I had focused entirely on my 'career' and setting up home in Orlando. That's when I learned a new lesson, that I should have known by now, never move or transfer anywhere without first going to check it and the people out. Lesson noted.

So with my incredible 'career' put on hold and my life in Orlando shaken up a bit, thanks to two worthless pieces of flesh, I started the 'Shit! I need to find a job super fast' job search.

Didn't work out. Damn Orlando and its' over-saturated job market.

However, I was receiving rather nice job offers back in Maryland. Go figure. Wasn't the whole point to this that I didn't want to live in Maryland to begin with? Thought so. I guess you can't tell ?destiny? to go screw itself and I took the next Auto-Train back to Maryland.

* Side note: Now if you've never traveled by train you need to. Regardless if you kick back in coach class or get a sleeper (sleepers are fun) the train is still a kick ass way to meet new people and have new experiences. It's a shame I couldn't videotape a few of those new experiences. Bottom line - travel by train at some point. It can be adventurous or romantic.

So I'm back in Maryland. Checking out the job offers (I should have never stopped making porno - life was more exciting and more simple with porno) and hanging with friends I hadn't seen in the seven months I had been gone. Wasn't too bad. While I honestly do not like Maryland as a place to live, it does have some charm.

Then BAM! on a drunken walk back to a friends apartment I got the idea that I was a Ninja and as a Ninja should be able to jump down some stairs crouching tiger, hidden dragon style.

I am NOT a Ninja.

So another lesson learned and I am in the process of nursing back a broken kneecap and getting myself able to walk again.

Yet for all of the bullshit and things that have taken place I guess there was something to come of it. I've had a lot of time to think and re-evaluate areas of myself, reconnect with people that I've misssed talking to and a new job offer which begins at the end of this month. More fitting to my passions and with a good enough salary to get me quickly back together.

I guess good things can come out of annoying situations. So, there's the update on my life. I figured it was time to put some substance in rather than just rambling off thoughts.

Inject me..... with java

I'm bored
Entertain me
Tell me where I belong at
How do I have to act to be like that
What do I have to say to be respected like that

I'm not going to play that
I don't want to be one of the pretty people
Another version of someone else
Cast from your mold
To be the toy you like

Not here to please you
Not trying to be you

Got my own way
My own thing

There's no life in being the same.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Wake me up

I've had time to sit and think. To evaluate and re-evaluate my thoughts.

I've had time to explore inward.

I've had time to open my eyes

You can go through life pretending to not notice, to not see, the pain and suffering of others. You can close your eyes and turn your head. You can close your heart and forget . You can place your hand into your pocket and ignore the damage you've done.

You can go through life pretending to be blind... or you can challenge, change and manipulate destiny.

What's it going to be?

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Another suitcase

So I've purchased my auto-train ticket back to Maryland. I leave on Monday, August 13th at 4:00pm, unless something amazing happens before then. I am not expecting it to and I am not even sure I want it to.

Stay, go home, go to Miami... choices, choices, choices...

And all I wanted was to get away; it wasn't the first time. I can view this as an extended vacation, a vacation would have sufficed, but now six months later it didn't turn out so well. I'll learn, one day, to not leave behind good things and good people in search of something more. Something possibly better.

It's like porno. You watch that same porn, again and again until it just does nothing more for you. You've moved on and now you need a deeper porn to get off to. The same 'ole has become mundane... the thrill is gone.

Come to think of it, sounds like a good number of my relationships too.

I was supposed to goto Miami this month and stay with my friend Nick while I looked at possible job opportunities. He wanted me to move there and honestly Miami is sexy. A lot better than Orlando, but I don't see how it's possible. It just doesn't make sense to take what little money I have left and risk it all on a chance.

What happened to my younger adventurous cravings...

The last place I want to be, for a number of reasons, is Maryland. However there is security in being there with friends and family. Not to mention, a good number of job offers. Job offers -vs- no job offers .. doesn't sound like too hard a choice.

I'll leave Florida, I'm sure of it. Then I'll be in Maryland and sorry that I didn't stay in Florida. It's a catch-22 that I am not sure I can win on any front.

It's nice to find your place in the world. A place where you know you belong.. where you feel it and just know this is where you should be.

I guess I'm still looking for that place.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Change is coming...

It's been six months since I made the journey from Maryland to Orlando. The time has gone by so quickly; it feels like I only left yesterday.

Distance has a funny way of making you forget the things you left behind. I'm sentimental by nature, however and I find myself missing the people and places that I use to know - but it seems to last for only a moment before it's replaced by the action and challenges here.

Something in me moves me, though and it's not just the bullshit I've been dealing with at the new hotel down here. God, I miss my old hotel and the people. I feel an urge for change...a need for movement.

So, I think it's time to pack the bags again and pick another place. Somewhere new, that I've never been. I have two choices in mind, but I'll wait to see what happens (or to land there) before mentioning them.

Creativity is on overdrive -- there is so much I want to do and I know what I need .. I know what to do... now it's just a matter of focus.

Time to fight the insomnia...

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Who have you mistaken me for?

Some one easily broken? Lost and bewildered... roaming aimless and empty.

We are all fluid. The most beautiful imperfections ... we devour our environment.

I've wrapped around you, swallowing you... and spit you out.

Perfection tasted so bad, so stale.

Fluid... constantly moving, evolving, devouring... always within reach, but out of touch.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Been quiet for just a little long...

I've taken time away from the bloging while I prepared and executed my move to Florida. Certainly without detailed planning, but I've always been excited by the mystery of what is waiting around the next corner.

So here I am. In sunny Florida with the palm trees. It hasn't been the easiest start, but things have begun to quiet down and I have the chance to begin the plans for the next stage of my move.

I keep busy with work, planning and little trips to Tampa and Miami when I can. A little more networking, some new friendly faces and more palm trees.... I really think I picked Florida because it was the closest destination with palm trees. I'm diggin the palms.

It doesn't hurt that eight out of ten people down here are beautiful either...

I surprise myself a little though -- for how social I can be.. I've kept to myself more than anything else. Reinvention takes time and I have begun a lot of reinventing .... so I have a lot to complete. There is a peace in not knowing a ton of people, like back home and the lonliness that it sometimes brings I can easily chase away.

I'm not getting any younger though, damnit. So I am trying to make the most of my time.

Some prospects of the latino variety -- but I don't want to get focused there. Infactuations and emotions are better set aside for the time. It's easier to just flirt, laugh and disappear ... there will be time for the serious stuff later.

I am waiting to see what 'excitement' gay days will bring. I've already ran into several people from Baltimore - some old friends and I can only imagine who else I will have the pleasure of running into. I am sure the five day event will not go without some interesting story taking place.

There is one person inparticular that I hope I do run into. I've been just a little too quiet, for just a little too long.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Where do we go from here?

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

Fairy Tales Don't Always Have Happy Endings...

Well, I've moved on. A different state, different life. New friends, new memories and while I try to push away the past it still creeps in from time to time.

How can I let go of memories that seem so long ago, but are still recent? How do I let go of expectations and hopes that I held onto so strongly. So afraid to let go... so afraid to move on.

Here I am... a new place. Making new friends, building new memories. Trying to forget, but forced to remember. It's not bad, really. I never wanted to let go in the first place -- I forced myself into a position where letting go seemed the only reasonable solution.

The heart is not reasonable, trust me.

So I've met someone new, I'm hung up on someone old and I've been reuinted with someone from my past. Now I am just confused - a sea of emotions and hesitations. New hopes, new expectations and desires from the past mingled with concerns for the future.

Everything works out in the end, for however it was meant to be. I don't question that, but I do ask myself 'what if' -- because sometimes what if is all you have to hold onto.

Feelings that are true never die..

Monday, January 08, 2007

Walking Away...

I have set into motion the things that need to be done and once again buried secrets inside that I had hoped for a chance to reveal.

Now I wait, for the chance to walk away, while one chapter closes and a new one is begging to begin.

I have learned that nothing is a constant, as much as I'd like to think otherwise and that people, places and things are never quite what they seem. Even though I approach them all with a clear conscious, open heart and child-like anticipation. Never quick to admite that disappointment hurts, but knowing all too well how much it does.

I've left behind anger, desire and pride. Hopefulness is no longer my mantra. What if and what could are no longer thoughts that race through my mind. I have packed away what I can and placed it in storage for now.

There is a sense of freedom in walking away, but that is all.

Nothing surprises me anymore, nothing impresses me... but I never expected it to.

Monday, January 01, 2007

You've been looking, I know...

I know you've been looking... silently waiting to see what I may or may not say -- Curious of what I may need to express.

Despite all things; I cannot bring myself to be the way you are -- because everything I said was true.

As time goes on, you will fade -- but as you grow, you will realize.

The future is only determined by what is in the heart of the person making the choices.