Tuesday, December 20, 2005
There is no knight in shining armor, happy endings are a fleeting moment, and you cannot always be what it is you want to be. These are just stories...
It will always rain more than the sun shines...
...but isn't that why we learn to appreciate the sun?
I've learned to appreciate the sun even when it doesn't shine. I've also learned to appreciate the pain that life brings, because it makes every moment of happiness - no matter how fleeting - just that much more special.
I've learned to accept myself, my defects, and to love myself for who I am - regardless of what others may say about me.
In the end, the only thing we have is ourselves. There is nothing more important than what is in your heart - everything else will come and go -- but what is inside of you will last throughout eternity.
I've read through many of my posts here. At my excitement at meeting different people and my sorrow when those people did not turn out as expected. I am starting to learn to embrace the emptiness and loneliness of this journey. To understand each person brings with them a lesson, be it good or bad, and that those moments hold the prospect for happiness tomorrow.
My experiences with ThunderCat turned out to be one of those lessons. I thought I was a friend, I thought this person had an interest in me (they were the ones that portrayed it that way) ... and even when I learned they didn't -- I was happy with the friendship and therefore, I continued to give.
Now I know that I was convienence, I was an ATM Machine, I was anything but a friend.
One more person to vote off the Island, I guess. ;)
Am I hurt? No...
Angry? Not anymore...
Disappointed? I've let that go....
This journey is a mystery and I love that mystery. I love the challenges, the chaos, the laughter and the tears that it brings. I hold fast to the fact that God gives me these hurdles and each of them has a necessary place in my life. They are all blessings, even if the blessing is disquised.
So the next time my sun is clouded over and the rain begins to fall - I will outstretch my hands and tilt my head back to take the rain in. To feel it fall against my body and to taste it, because the sun will shine again.
Friday, November 25, 2005
My Europe trip will be fun, I am sure, even if it isn't exactly what I had wanted it to be. There will be no romantic dinner in Italy, a shy smile, a note passed, and the sharing of thoughts and feelings for a possible future. It's okay, however, I will enjoy myself either way and the company I am taking will prove to be enjoyable - I've no doubt.
Sometimes after the drama of things calm down and I'm level headed again -- I sit back and smile. I don't break under pressure and disappointment. That strength, that I often don't think I have, yet always surfaces when I need it the most is what keeps me going.
So I was thinking ... what do I want for Christmas. I have beautiful friends, a family that while a bit out there is tolerable and means well .... I'll cook a ton of food, put up a big tree and decorate it with my mother and best friend Becca.
The only thing I'd like to see is someone beneath the tree waiting on me. I don't even mean that in the terms of a boyfriend. I mean it in a more intimate and cozy way -- someone happy to see me, that I can lay against and just enjoy the moment... to open a present with... to laugh. I'd love to see Cjames under my tree -- that would be the most beautiful present.
I am planning to make a surprise trip out to SLC to see him soon. If anyone has captured my heart in a manner that is everlasting - it is him. Such a special, special, extra special, special guy. ;)
Oh well .. it'll all come together. I am somewhat content at the moment. The site is coming alone (one of them) and it won't be long before we're pressing forward and launching...
I'll keep ya alls posted
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Not that I would dare to eat any of those things right now. I am starting to see results from being back in the gym again -- woohoo! -- and the last thing I wanna do is fuck that up. I need to get something more out of my $25.00 a month than just the enjoyment of the lockerroom.
The adult sites are moving quickly along. We should be done and online soon. I am still torn with it, but I have no choice but to push forward and do it now. Too much time and money invested at this point to back out. Moreso, too much pressure from the 'awaiting' public - which really boils down to .... too many people that know me, know I am doing this. I won't accept failure.
I'm just a modern day Robin Hood. Everything to a good end.
I am hoping that this manifests itself into what I need so that I can get outta here. I want away from Maryland. Hell, I really want away from the states as a whole. I'd like to spend some time living in Europe. A few countries are on my possible list, London being one of the dominate ones. I think London would suit my personality and my desire for things to be 'happening' all the time around me (ie: chaos) -- while providing places for peaceful times also.
Plus I wanna cash in on this lucrative pound/sterling ......
It's only two weeks (and a day or so) before ThunderCat
But for now... here I sit in an office working away... everything is temporary and most everything is possible. Just how far are you willing to go to achieve those dreams is the question.. how much are you willing to sacrifice... how bad do you want it?
I want it more than Martha Stewart wants to conquer the world -- and that's a lot.
A little excitement -- oh when it rains it pours. Something new, something old. Desire turned to lust, lust into depth... depth into emptiness and then the cycle begins again.
Give me the chaos.. I want to move in it, I want to feel it inside of me.
Make me scream.. time has stopped.
What am I? What was that? I cannot hear you --- it doesn't matter now. I'm out of control... I'm going all the way... I love this, give it to me.. don't be selfish with it.. you know I'll get what I want when all is said and done. I always do.
Shhhh.. don't speak. I can get your name tomorrow. I'll leave my number for you. Don't ruin the moment.
Watch out.. cause here I come.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax
Of cabbages and kings
And why the sea is boiling hot
And whether pigs have wings
Calloo-Callay No work today!
We're cabbages and kings"
...and the time has come, I firmly believe, to turn the other way. To say no more, to feel no more, to let them have their way.
And while I wish for other things and slowly move ahead
I fake a smile, a simple nod, I always just pretend
That the sun is warm and bright....
And that is odd, because it is always the middle of the night.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
However, now that I am working to support getting the new business online and to help finance my upcoming vacation, I have spent some time reading the news online -- when I've not been in the mood to work. ;)
What stands out to me is all this discord and the suicide bombings, etc. It turns my stomach and breaks my heart at the same time. Innocent lives, people without ties to this hatred and maybe even without political interests dead. Lives ruined, families disrupted.
What makes me sick about it, moreso than just the pointless death, is that these people use God and Religion to cloak themselves. They hide behind God and use him as a scapegoat for their actions.
Do you really think God needs you to accomplish anything?
I really don't care what belief system you adhere to, be it muslim, christian, or jew. God does not need you to kill people out of your own hatred to accomplish his goals.
You're human, like anyone else. You're not pure. You're a vile and evil killer ... your actions are self righteous and claim to speak for God, yet you are nothing more than a manifestation of Satan himself. Leading others astray to help carry out your hatred, your personal goals, and deceiving people as to the nature of God.
Do your thing, however. Take the lives of the innocent, speak for God (as you speak against him), and continue the path you've taken... believe to yourself that you will die a martyr.
It doesn't matter now.....
...in the end we will all be forced to see truth. We will all be judged and held accountable and your heart will be opened and you'll no longer be able to hide.
...in a heartbeat, you'll be able to explain to God how you killed his creations for your own good and how you used him to make it right.
...in a heartbeat, you'll find your place.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Perhaps I seem bi-polar... my posts would lead someone to think that way. However, they are often just a case-by-case, emotional rambling of what is on my mind..or in my heart at any given moment. Not always lasting, but with as much meaning as if they were a daily part of my life.
Mike was my inspiration for starting a blog. I was taken by his and by the reactions and interest of others into what he had to say. It's like reality tv .... in a way. I am happy to see Mike and I talk again -- not much -- but time to time. Despite what happened with us, I do like him ... it doesn't change.
That is me.
I am a guarantee to the people in my life. I am here and I always will be until I am no longer alive. I do not remove myself from the people who impact my heart, my mind, my life....or my soul. Instead I hold on .. and continue to hold through heartbreak, pain, and whatever sorrow may come. Life isn't fair -- I know that -- and I accept it while I despise it.
Once again I am here.... awake much later than I should be on a work night... and while the evening ended nicely - I am sad.
Maybe it isn't really sadness .. it's an emptiness. I am empty... lonely... I feel like there is no one there to hold my hand, to ask me how my day went, or to lend me their ear. I feel alone and it hurts me so deeply.
I've never strived to have the things in my life that others did. I didn't strive for the awesome career, to be the most popular, or to have the most 'toys' -- in all my life, for as long as I can remember, I've strived to be loved ... and to have someone to share all the things inside of me with. I've strived for someone who would accept me, even as defective as I am.
I have never found that. Even in the seven years I was with my deceased boyfriend -- I never really found that.
...and that... that is all I have ever wanted.
So as the people who pull at my heart and who give me joy slowly distance from me.. as hopeful relationships turn into nightmares... I am left with nothing but the reality of being alone.
I have friends.. I have people who care, but that doesn't fill the void. It is nice.. but not quite enough.
Maybe if you read my blog long enough -- something will change. Maybe I will be happy for longer than an hour, a day, or a week. Maybe... just maybe the one thing I have always longed for will happen.
Maybe I will learn to love myself more and not through the eyes or lips of a stranger...
Maybe, just maybe, I will realize that I am more than the rumors, the lies, and the deceit that spread like a virus when my back is turned...
Maybe someone will see into my eyes, into my soul, and they will realize who I am -- what I am -- and what truly matters.
Maybe in that moment I will be whole again.... until then, another song, another tear, another night without sleep... and another daybreak with a fake smile waiting -- as if I have no cares in the world.... just maybe.
I dont expect my love affairs to last for long. Never fool myself, that my dreams will come true.
Being use to trouble I anticipate it, but all the same I hate it. Wouldn't you?
Time and time again I say that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
but every time it matters all my words desert me, so anyone can hurt me
and they do
Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know
Well maybe not that fine... but I'll survive anyhow
I won't recall the names and places of each sad occasion
but that's no consolation here and now.
... where am I going to?
Monday, November 07, 2005
..but let me start backwards first and say how nice it was to know that in my 'disappearance' this weekend so many people were concerned with what happened to me. It's nice to know that people do care, even when I often wonder how many really do.
Months worth of emotions and experience was cram packed into one weekend. One weekend that I will certainly not forget -- at least not for quite some time.
I really don't even know where to start -- yet I still want to vent. I want to get it out, because as much as I am trying to not let it bother me, the events that unfolded are still on my mind.
In a nutshell I was lifted very high .. held there for a short period of time .. and dropped. Let go.. released. I fell hard, very hard. As much as I tried to act tuff and pretend that I was cool with it all -- I am devastated, torn, and broken.
So I dragged my broken self away from them ... to bed, alone. Cuddled on the edge of the bed, grasping a pillow and wanting to believe that everything I had just experienced was nothing more than a bad dream....
...in the morning, on the opposite side of the bed, there they were and I realized it was not all a bad dream. When their arm brushed against mine and was quickly moved away, another reminder of reality was given.
It doesn't matter the place they hold in my life. Friendship, lover, date, partner... labels are not important to me. The closeness, however, the closeness was and is. It gave me a peace and a happiness to lay next to them .. holding them or being held. It comforted me to rub their back or their hair....
But they are not "comfortable" -- I know what 'comfortable' means. I guess it's sweet when someone tries to not hurt your feelings by coating 'not so nice' with 'not as bad' wording.
Where were they a year and a half ago? When I may have been 'up to par' --- now I look at myself and I know that I'm currently below par. That will change, but not in time. Not soon enough to capture their interest.
Yet they enjoy me, like me, and I make them feel good and happy. They 'try' but they 'can't.'
They don't discuss their emotions well. I guess they really don't want to be to the point and blatantly hurt my feelings. How can you hurt me, when I am already hurt? When I hurt all the time - until I am with you. Then even you make me hurt. So why worry -- I'll take the pain, I'm a big boy ... just deliver it with total honesty.
I probably shouldn't like them at this point. I should be disgusted and angry. I am a little bit of both, but I still like them. That's my defect, I guess.... if I like you - I like you. It's pretty cut and dry. If I like you in a way that's rare for me, than it takes even more for my emotions to shift and change.
The mixed signals are a mindfuck. The last two days were a mindfuck. I want to know what is really in their mind.. inside of them. I don't know if I ever will...
Friday, November 04, 2005
Due to the costs of this new business venture - or renewed business venture - I am back to the 9-5 grind. Not too crazy about it, but I haven't much choice. Between three upcoming trips and the business -- the extra income is a must have.
I made the decision to take TC with me to Prague and Rome. That trip is just about four weeks away and I'm starting to feel the anxiety. I prefer to travel alone, but I like this dude and the look on his face when I offered was ... well it was just a look that you don't easily forget. So I get him alone for eight nights ... on a whirlwind trip between countries. If it makes him happy, awesome. He makes me happy and he doesn't even realize it.
To say I am extreme is probably an understatement. I am sure a couple of my close friends and people I've dated can attest to that. It's part of my personality -- I am not half ass about anything and if I like you .. I wanna do shit.. go places.. have fun.
I also tend to express myself in those ways. Which can sometimes be misunderstood. I can understand that, though. It's easy to question peoples motives for the things they do or give -- we all know that 80%+ people suck.
Well this will have to be my short dose of ramblings for now. I am back at work, business is progessing slowly but surely, I get to go away with someone that is 'kick ass,' and all is well.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
These are my hands but what can they give me
These are my eyes but they cannot see
These are my arms but they don't know tenderness
and I must confess that I am usually drawn to sadness - and lonliness has never been a stranger to me, but love tried to welcome me.. but my soul drew back. Guilty of lust and sin, loved tried to take me in...
These are my lips but they whisper sorrow
This is my voice but it's telling lies
I know how to act, but I don't know happiness and I must confess
instead of spring its always winter and my heart has always been a lonely hunter...
Still love tried to welcome me, but my soul drew back. I was covered with dust and sin...
Love tried to take me in
Love tried to break me.
ahh... the joys of music.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Tonight I cried for you again.
Tonight I faced myself again.
Tonight I looked once more at my fears and my emptiness and for you I cried.
Tonight I've learned that I haven't stopped running.... tonight I learned that I am still angry.
I left myself vulnerable to strangers as I strained to catch my breath and to hold back tears that I felt should no longer be there.
I reach, I grasp, I fight, I manipulate... I claw and scratch to get what I want. I play the games I am so against.
And in the eyes of a friend I saw their acknowlegement of me. My actions. My fears. My petty needs. My false affirmations that keep me alive.
I am sitting here shaking. I am cold and empty. I'm revealed. Naked and vulernable. Empty and alone. Wanting so much to be away from this place, from all these things, from my memories and past.
I swear I know who I am and at the same time I cannot grasp the reality that I live. I run, I travel, I explore.. I dive deeper into everything that disgusts me and I stand on top of it all - in control .. a king.. a lie.
My beliefs escape me. My truths blended into falsehoods that I can barely discern. Lost in this dream that I've created.
So I light another cigarette and I inhale till I feel myself suffocating. The pain is a pleasure to me. Inside of it, I feel alive. Without it, I am dead.
I use my manipulative strategies, peoples interests in me, and mine in others for the same reason. To feel alive. To have meaning. To see that I am something more than an empty shell of a person drifting mindlessly through this existance. Yearning, yet fearful, for it to end.
You left me to carry this cross. To hold this burden upon myself. Me .. alone.
I can feel your laughter. Your hate. I feel your eyes on me waiting for me to drop. To give up. To know that I am no better than you ever said I was. To know that I am nothing.
I hear your words. Your hateful words. The words you used to trap me, to demean me, to make me worthless.
Why then do I long for you? Why does my heart break for you still? Why am I still crying when I should be relieved?
You accomplished in death what you never could in life. You've conquered me. You've gained control of me with your words. You've detached me from myself and left me to wander without meaning.
You left me to fight.
Fight against myself and others. Fight against my dreams, my fears, my hopes.
My anger is like a passion. I lick it from every inch of a strangers flesh. As I take them into me.. as I taste them. I kiss their lips with such hatred. I submit to them and their desires. I drink from them .. I become part of them. My own motives as evil and vile as they are.
What have I become?
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Tonight she shared with me her online journal... and like a song, it spoke to me in ways that are too profound to explain. Tonight I also learned that wisdon is not defined by age, but by experience alone -- and her journey is one that I walked along... clinging to the words I read on the screen... like a good novel that you cannot put down. One that you can relate to and one that inspires you.
It also enlightened me. It put into words a feeling that I could not express, because I thought no words existed to express it. Now there are and thanks to her I will copy those words here ... now able to express something stirred up inside of me by someone who doesn't know:
He will always be living art.
Everyone is living art to me. I was infatuated with this particular person so because he was delicious in pieces- his hands, his eyes, his walk, his lips- but not as a whole. As a whole he was as defective as I am, and two defects don't equal one good person. But he was beautiful and I continue to study people in the same way. I've probably done it to you.
.. thank you Tee.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Why am I so interesting to you
Are you sure you mean what you say
Can you be sure it is not just a passing phase
I don't understand what you see, I've never seen it myself
My disappointments and hurt don't help me in appreciating the things you say
I want to believe you
I want to be lifted up
Yet every time I've taken that step ... I've only fallen further
What do you see in my eyes -- what truths do they speak to you
I can tell you've seen beyond my actions and my words
You touch something deep inside of me
Im scared of you
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
I friggin love this weather! As I sit here drinking my instant Chi Tea and eating corn from a can... the windows open... it's such beautiful weather. The air is crisp and refreshing, with a slight chill.
Tonight was nice and relaxing (sort of..) Chris H&M, Joe, and myself went to see The Corpse Bride. Nice movie and a sweet meaning behind it.
I wonder how they get the corn off the cob to pack into my can of corn? Just a random thought that hit me.
I've purchased my ticket and booked my hotel reservation for Prague this December. I am so looking forward to that trip. I've been wanting to visit Prague for the longest time. I am going to try to have at least one tourist day during this trip. I want some pictures... I regret not doing that in Italy, a bit.
I am hoping they sell fur coats in Prague, because I am on a mission to get a pimp coat while there. Italy was shoes (of course I bought a color that I can't wear with anything) and I have made Prague the pimp fur coat trip. I don't care if it is llama fur, zebra fur, synthetic fur.. I just wanna pimp coat damnit.
The two projects I am working on have me so overwhelmed. It is just so much to deal with between websites, design companies, programmer bids, outlines, advertising deadlines, special guest contacts, and trying to make development schedules and plans...
I just sit here in a daze -- like 'What do I do next?!"
The stress is making Delta.com look really good right now. They are having this kickin special for trips to Berlin.
I don't deal with temptation well and certainly not when it is trip or sex based. Sheesh, I'm only human-ish.
Tonight Joe turned me onto another gay cruise site. This one I was not aware of, but now that I've seen it -- it has me more on edge with my project. It can easily be improved upon and they do overcharge for memberships -- but still... it's just more saturation and more to work against.
I have a competitive nature when it comes to business. I like the challenge to out shine -- I just don't like the stress that is attached to that challenge. Oh well, we shall see what happens.
...and by sheer force of will, I will raise you from the ground and without a sound you'll appear resurrected to me to love.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Rebecca called out from work today, because of her lack of sleep. Perhaps we'll make our yearly drive out to Gettysburg, PA. Take in the fresh, crisp fall air .. pick up some pumpkins and groceries from the country store .. then have dinner at Dobbin House. It's such a beautiful, relaxing time. A nice change of pace from my daily race of emails and websites.
Speaking of PA - I wonder how my friend Chris is. So adorable. Why do I always turn away from the ones who are so good? I shut down to them. That's another story, for another time. I will say I make it a conscious effort to not do that.
I think that I am scared of good people sometime.
My dinner with Thunder Cat went well. Surprisingly well, I think. I am not sure if we accomplished anything on the work end, but the conversation and the company was enjoyable. He's different in a genuine sense. No pretentiousness and a bit of boyish innocence.
... I'm not that innocent ...
I did learn that my roommate had the balls to tell him, out of the blue, that I was a slut.
This coming from the dude that has slept with half of Baltimore and could write a medical journal on his STDs.
It was nice to be informed of that, though. Perhaps his rent will increase now.
No point or desire to confront him with the comment. I'll respect TC's 'anonymous' information.
I don't really care what anyone says about me, as long as they have the right to say it. Just make sure you get my name correct.
Monday, September 26, 2005
I am always amazed by the amount of attention I receive and from the large number of people who seem to attach a 'friendship' with me from the bar. While it may sound as though I am being egotistical, I am really not. It honestly shocks me. I don't see what they see and I never have understood the attention I receive and thrive on.
Regardless if I instigate, humor, or dive into it .. I ride it like a mysterious cloud, never fully grasping it, but going with it to whatever the destination may be.
I also learned tonight that someone I was very interested in for a long time, who is just a friend of mine, was interested in dating me. He never told me that. Then I ended up sleeping with his ex-boyfriend (while they were NOT together, I might add) and that has forever sealed the hidden option of dating.
It is for the better, perhaps.
I ran into ThunderCat, or ThunderKat as he spells it, and was once again reassured that he would not stand me up (again) for our dinner tomorrow/today. It's only a 'business' meeting, but I like his company. I really can't explain that either. I don't know him, but there is something in him that I see.
To say he has 'depth' to him would be much too generic. There is something in his eyes, however, that I find gripping and fascinating. When I'm around him thoughts just begin to rush through my head. Things that I feel the need to tell him. I really can't explain it and my attempt to is not doing it (or me) any justice.
I could sit and listen to him talk for hours and just watch his eyes, his movements. It is strangely soothing. There's a peace hidden in him. Who knows, maybe I'll figure it out or just leave it as me being psychotic and too deep.
So it is now 3:23am and I am sitting at my desk, in intense pain, listening to Madonna's Rain. Sounds somewhat depressing, eh?
Sometimes the pain gets so intense that I feel as if I am going mad. I am so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of a body that is falling apart. When does it stop? How does that lyric go...?
"What good is the strength of the strongest heart, in a body that is falling apart. A serious flaw, I hope you know that. Oh my creator."
That may not be an exact quote, but it does get the point across quite well.
I'll call the neurologist this week. It doesn't do a ton of good. I don't want to be medicated on painkillers. I prefer fixes, not bandaids. I have had enough bandaids in my life.
I think every person has a cross they are meant to carry. An obstacle. Something to strengthen your character -- or perhaps make you more understanding of the cross that others carry.
I like to think of things that way. Regardless if I am right or wrong. It gives a purpose and a focus to something which would otherwise be nothing more than a burden.
I am lonely.
I have good friends, a tolerable family, but I'm lonely. It's okay, I am used to it. I was lonely even when I had my boyfriend. It is just when I had my boyfriend it wasn't an empty type of lonely.
At thirty three I've conquered all of my wants and desires. Trust me, it is not because my list was small. I have just been very motivated, focused, determined to accomplish and have what I wanted. Unfortunately, all those things are nothing compared to one of the two I've yet to hold.
Let me share something...
It will be another full moon soon, perhaps another night with you.
The thought that it may be the last masked by the fading view
Of shadows dancing around where you lay, as if they worship you
Almost enough, but not quite as much, as I honestly do.
You don't see because your eyes are closed, but I watch you as you sleep
Afraid to look away, for tomorrow may be the day, I have only the memories to keep
I breath in the breathe that you release, you are the life that I absorb
You asleep in your seperate peace, me overwhelmed as I adore
All that you are and all that you're not, with this hope that reality can break
...for I am not and will never be in your world when I awake.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
While taking a poo it dawned on me that in all my blogs I have never mentioned my 'going out' friend. Well he is really more than just a 'going out' friend, but due to his new location, that is really the only time we see each other.
About ten months prior to the death of my boyfriend, I met a guy that I spent my alone nights with terrorizing people in the AOL chat rooms. We met in downtime Annapolis (he lived there then) .. walked around, talked, got gellato ;) -- We had this instant click. He reminds me of an old friend I grew up with. Our insta-click is the same. He also spent a good amount of time with me in Orlando, after my boy passed away.
Chris is one of those special friends that no matter the disagreements or issues, whenever we hang out it is just a good time. We're both a little crazy (I think we feed off each other a bit) and no matter how fucked a situation is .. we have a good time with it.
It's nice to have a friend like that, because I do not befriend a lot of people. It's about quality with me, never quantity. I can barely keep up with the people I know now anyway -- anyone who tries to telephone me can attest to that.
I ran into my 'ex', Jason, at Secrets tonight. That was supposed to be the entire point in going. Meet up, have a couple drinks, talk. It didn't exactly work out that way - but it was nice to see him. There were some things that I didn't have the opportunity to say which I wanted to get out.
As odd as it is for me to say it -- I still like him. In the 'I'd date you' sorta way. That is super rare for me. When it's done with someone, it's done. I don't keep ex-boyfriends around as friends. If it ended it usually is because one of us doesnt like the other, so what's the point?
I'm not into being someones friend just cause we tagged each other.
Anyway to avoid making it long and painful to any reader - bottom line - I like him still. Doesn't mean anything, outside of a personal realization.
Went to Heat again. Hasn't changed. The circus is still in town. However, get a couple drinks in you and go there -- it's endless entertainment and laughter.
Did I mention that old popcorn smells like ass? My roommate must have gone wild making popcorn, because mye whole house smells like it. After a night of drinking, that smell is NOT nice.
I'm also smoking a cigarette (bad Jason.. bad Jason) -- So obviously I am having a temporary willpower issue going on.
Okay time to pass out...
Friday, September 23, 2005
2. I won't sugar coat my views, thoughts, convictions. I won't lie to you.
3. My loyalty is without peer. When you have me, I will never break your respect or trust.
4. I am calculated. Regardless how it appears to you - everything I do or say is well thought out and with reason.
5. The more I drink the more lucid I become. Even if I have trouble walking at the time.
6. My favorite color is blue.
7. I love coffee ice cream - I love anything coffee.
8. Pets are cute, but I'd rather not have them.
9. Kids are cute, but I'd rather not have them. I can live vicariously through others.
10. Grocery shopping takes me forever - there are way too many choices and options.
11. I like having choices and options.
12. I'm a control freak.
13. I can never own enough shoes.
14. I hate the Crayola box of 64 crayons. For the same reason grocery shopping takes me forever.
15. I cook really well except when I am trying to impress someone.
16. I can be thoughtful to the point of looking neurotic.
17. I hate deceptive people.
18. I'm scared of the dark.
19. My house has tons of lights.
20. I'm tormented by my need for religious focus and truth.
21. I've only dated one person that I've remained friends with. I'm not even sure why I did that.
22. What you see is not what you get.
23. I appear energetic, exciting, flighty, and full of jokes.
24. I am really deep, thoughtful, introverted, sincere, and calm.
25. My bark is worse than my bite.
26. I'll fight in a heart beat if someone I care for is fucked with.
27. I put myself second to the people who I care about.
28. I have loved very few people.
29. I only cry when I'm alone.
30. I cry quite often and yet I can't explain why.
31. I'm scared to be alone in my house at night.
32. I can't take a shower unless I can see thru the shower curtain. It's why I have glass doors. They are a bitch to keep clean.
33. I've experienced everything in my life that I've ever wanted - except two things.
34. People remind me of cartoon characters.
35. I am not PC
36. I'm addicted to Ultima Online and The Sims2
37. I don't drink as much as it seems and I hate the taste of alcohol.
38. I smoke, but I hate the taste and smell of cigarettes.
39. I miss going to the gym, but I am too insecure to go alone.
40. I mask my insecurities well.
41. I mask all my emotions well.
42. I deal with situations, in my mind, before they occur - so nothing shocks me or takes control of me.
43. My favorite food is pizza.
44. Masturbation has become boring.
45. If I cum first, you're on your own.
46. I don't do drugs and I have little respect or sympathy for those that do.
47. I admire discipline in people.
48. The feature which draws me to people the most is their eyes.
49. I love photographs.
50. I'm very sentimental.
ThunderCat has sent a few text messages and reconfirmed their desire to work with/for me. I was begining to get concerned about that. Yet, it seems that all is a go and I look forward to our 'business' dinner on Monday evening.
My friendship with a fellow blogger is going quite well and while their own life seems to be taking a rather stressful turn -- it's nice to have them around. I think the company does us both good. It's nice to be able to laugh and be silly with someone -- without having to be concerned about them judging you or taking it too seriously.
The adult site is now under development and I go to Vancouver, BC shortly to meet with a bigmuscle.com friend who just happens to be a progammer. Better yet, a programmer interested in writing the things that I need for my site. Fucking right on! So that has me pretty excited. I've always wanted to see BC - plus this flight will give me enough skymiles to fly somewhere free. Woot! Or get my upgrades for my trip to Prague. RaWr!
All those things aside, and a few others that I didn't mention, the complete highlite of the last year and a half happened today. My one true passion.. the thing that focused me and gave me tremendous drive for five years is back online. Some of you might know what it is, some don't. I'm not sure I really want to discuss it right now, but I will say that it has made me so happy.
I will continue to push forward with the adult venture and hope that it brings in revenue that I can push to the other. Almost like Robin Hood, I'll use the money from something that I have many personal and moral issues against to help make something that means the world to me better. When I can drop the adult thing and focus on the other, I will do that in a heart beat.
For now, as sad as it is, I need the adult project ---- damn that sucks.
As my title states - I take the good with the bad. Like everything else in my life... every happy moment has to be slightly subdued by a negative one.
Welcome to the world of Hereditary Neuralgic Amyotrophy -- It's back.. starting shortly after my newest tattoo.
The pain is so muther fucking intense that I started taking four of my Ultram (pain killers) rather than one. Even four wasn't making the pain any better. Now I'm out of them.
My right arm is trying to contract at the elbow -- so whenever I straighten my arm out now the pain is stabbing. It runs from my shoulder (painful) down my arm (not to bad) to my elbow (painful as fuck) down my forearm (not to bad) and right into my fingers (like a tingling stabbing pain) ---
Typing is a bitch now and I find myself spending more time sleeping because it's the only moment I get when the pain isn't bothering me.
This shit scares me. I'm afraid of what it is doing to me and more concerned that I have no clue when it will stop again. I can't really explain to anyone the pain. I will say it has me extremely edgy, very irritable, and wanting to beat the fuck out of things.
As always.. my life is filled with petty tyrants. Be it physical, personal, guys I date, family .. somewhere there is always a petty tyrant to try and bring me down.
In the midst of it all - I thank God for my blessings, for my resolve, and for the strength given to me no matter what tyrant is in my path. There is nothing greater.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Sleep is for the weak! RaWr!
I never did get the chance to ramble off about Utah. I keep meaning to and then I get side tracked. Utah was an awesome time. I miss it already. Not quite as much as I miss Italy, but still missed all the same.
My time with Chris is always incredible. There is no other guy that I can say I love. We have grown very close in our short six years. It's an interesting, exciting chemistry between two opposites. Remember the Odd Couple?
We've toyed with the idea of me moving out to Utah for a little while. It would benefit each of us in our own ways... and it's such a tempting thought. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I think I can deal with Utah. It's certainly not a DC, NY, or even a Baltimore. Yet, it has it's own charm. The mountains, fresh air, beautiful people.... and Chris, too. What more could you ask for really?
(a winning powerball ticket....)
Maryland has this strange pull to it. It reminds me of those chinese finger trap things. The harder you try to pull away, the more stuck you seem to be. I do want and need to get away from here. This place holds nothing for me. Except for three people I appreciate having in my life. However, all three can see me regardless where I go.
So between Utah, a year in Europe, and Florida -- I run through various ideas of places to go and set up home. Temporary or long term. Just an added flavor -- something to excite and stimulate. Not sure what will come of those thoughts, but I am sure something will sooner or later.
The good thing about going back into the online business is that no matter where I go -- I can work. Gotta love the Internet for that.
Speaking of the Internet business --- step one is complete. Things are in order and I am now finishing up with programmers and getting things prepared for implementation. After that comes a few weeks of hardcore production ...... then presto: a new online world is born.
.... I just hope the saying 'build it and they will come' holds true with this one.
Well time to get a shower. The mutual friend I share with my roommate had issues with their outbound flight this evening and they are back at my house -- wanting to go out. I feel bad for them so I decided, regardless of my lack of sleep, to take them out to Baltimore.
I guess I can go out looking like a swampdonkey... no big deal.
I like you, but I'll never let you know. I won't be vulnerable to you. I won't be weak. I will not submit to you, to be another victim of who you are.
I have gone so long without you. How could I possibly need you now? There is nothing you can mend; there is nothing you can fix.
Your smile is not even refreshing, it doesn't wake me up inside. You're empty. Your eyes are dead. I know what you're after.
So I'll humor you. I'll smile and take in the words you spit. As if you're in a trance, you weave a web of deceit with ease.
Why am I standing here? Tomorrow I won't recall your name. I won't keep the number you've handed me. I've already played these games.
You can think I'm easy. I've allowed myself to look that way. Calculated and planned, I know what I am doing. I've used it to keep you away.
Go ahead. Hug me. Hold my hand. Kiss me before I walk away. I'm so special to you, so beautiful. Isn't that what you say?
Don't tell me you see my hurt. That you can feel my pain. Who are you to pretend you know me? You bastard fuck. You're a vulture. I've watched you mark your prey.
It's time to go. The smile lingers until I can no longer see your face. You feel accomplished now, don't you? Do you really think you've won another one?
You're wrong about me...
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
At first I thought it was odd, but didn't put much thought into it. Things happen and we all know that climax can be a really tense thing prior to the end result. It was the second time that I was about to get off and had this headache that I was begining to get a little worried.
More upset that I might have to endure headaches when trying to bust a nut than being bothered by the headache itself. That was until a friend of mine sent me a bunch of links regarding these sex-aches.
The links explained that these headaches sometimes occur in men and can last for an undetermined period of time.. then just stop. No big deal. The flip side was that it could be something more serious -- like internal bleeding.
Needless to say, the thought of something more serious freaked me out and I took my ass to the emergency room to have a CT scan done. I wanted to make sure that everything was alright inside my head. I am sure some people will still disagree that things are...
Why the emergency room? Well, I figured it would be quicker than driving an hour round trip to pay my doctor a $20.00 copay and get a piece of paper to go sit somewhere else and have the scan done. My doctor annoys me anyway. He's never been the same since the 'check up' that resulted with me hitting him in the chin (by accident!) with my dick...
So the emergency room sounded like a closer, quicker fix. I've learned that quicker is not the case with the ER. Even at 9:30am. However, after this ER experience, I really can't say I regret going...
When I finally got called back to my bed (E13) at around noon .. I walked in on a shared room with three other guys and two female 'sitters.' Kinda like adult babysitters... there to make sure no one does anything crazy or tries to leave. I think I was in a room with people that were not exactly there by choice.
That is where the fun began... the one 'sitter' who I spent most of my time talking to had also spent some time in Ashland, WI. Yeah, you probably don't know where Ashland is. You're not missing much. It's way up there in WI, but it gave us some common ground for conversation.
Then there was the sexy dude with tattoos who kept playing with his dick while he slept. Who I later found out was on probation from prison. Not sure why he had been in prison, I meant to ask, but got side tracked by his other conversations. It seems he was there because he tried to kill himself on anti-anxiety medication, but he had also been attacked by his pitbull while drunk. I'm not sure if the two had any relation to his being there .... but he was fun to talk with and decent eye candy. You gotta love hospital gowns, doesn't leave much to the imagination and he couldn't have hidden it too well anyway.
Why do I find those ruff ex-prison thug kinda dudes so hot?
The other two guys weren't anything exciting, but the one who came in right before I left added another touch of homo-erotica to my ER experience. Not only did he have to undo his gown to put it on a different way .. but don't people realize that when you're wearing a gown and lay in bed with your legs wide open you're not hiding anything. Maybe people aren't supposed to look - but shit, it beats out internet porn.
Okay.. enough of the hot dudes showing penis in the ER. The CT was done and things are normal. I give the doctor credit, he was trying very hard to be serious throughout the entire process. Although he broke into a little laugh when telling me to avoid sex for awhile and to try to 'take it slower' when I have an orgasm. Take it slower? wtf.... how do you take it slower?
It's really not something to fuck around with.. so when I 'resume' sexual activity or nut busting -- if the pain continues for more than a few moments I have to go back in right away and get more explorative tests done.
((sigh)) Now sex even has to have issues attached to it. Sheesh....
Anyway.. thanks to the beauty of insomnia, I once again haven't slept. So I am going to take a nap before I ramble away more in my tired state.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
..I'll write more soon and fill in the gaps about Utah.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
At the checkout there was this little blue sign that said Giant was taking donations for Hurricane Katrina. Woohoo! I was a little shocked that the cashier didn't know how to ring the donation in. No one else had done one with her and the person before me and after me didn't do it either. Now, granted, who knows what else they've done to help -- or how much they've given. God knows, my little donation won't do a lot, but maybe it'll provide a warm meal for someone or a blanket, socks, or shoes.
That lead me to wonder who is doing what to help. There are so many people out there who make millions in entertainment or sports. People who dropping a million would never impact. Oprah Winfry, Bill Gates, sports stars, celebrities.... Are they doing that? Are they helping?
I don't watch TV so I'll never really know unless it pops up on MSNBC while I am online, but I am curious.
What has our President done? Did he delay his reaction and delay help because he was mad that this shit cut his vacation short?
I think it's funny how the religious right is now saying that this was God's punishment on New Orleans and God's way of stopping the big gay party down there that was scheduled for that week. Southern Decadence or whatever.
So, okay.. LA - AL - MI were all affected. People died - gay, straight, whatever.
These people are saying that God is one lousey ass shot!
What, you don't think God could target a location and who he wanted to take out with pinpoint accuracy? He needed to do the sweep attack instead? Had to have a little curve for error?
Before you go trying to tell people what God is doing ... as if you have him on speed dial or direct connect .. why don't you attempt to be more Christ like yourselves?
People.... what an amazing bunch we are. I want some pez.
Don't think I said it just because I was fuckin twisted drunk. I may have said it with more (or less) umpf, but I said it all the same. It's kinda cool how drinking makes me lucid and wacked at the same time.
I have overcome my reliance on cigarettes. Fuck you RJ Reynolds! Focused will power is stronger than any chemical. I am just proud to be able to say it's done.
What's next on my agenda? Let's see ... hmmm .. can't cut out masturbation, that would really suck. So I guess the next thing to go for awhile shall be ... drinking.
People who know me and read that line will probably all gasp. An eerie silence around them, as they stare in wonder saying "It.. no.. is it? It can't be?!"
Fuck these silly games, right now is all about will power, self control, deeper enlightenment and higher goals. These petty tyrants which addict, destroy, and intoxicate can wait for now. I have other things to do.
I learn my lessons quickly. I adapt easily. I submit without hesitation. When it is time to stand, watch out.
Monday, September 05, 2005
I'm almost done the inking ... just two more things I want to get done and I'm finished. Two more major points I want to express through the pain and extacy of being perma marked.
Last night Chris and I ventured to Lizard Lounge. LL used to be a weekly Sunday night tradition for us. Going last night reminded me of why we stopped in the first place -- I hate it. In fact, I got to share that hate with some hot colt looking dude from California. It's awesome how hate can bring people together.
Anyway -- it's HOT, the music is way too loud, it smells like the Eagle meets a perfume factory, because of all the people doing their drugs -- taking a piss is a time consuming task. Other than those few things, I guess it's a wonderful place to hang out.
I prefer to just drop things over the catwalk on the people below. That always proved entertaining.
So as the annoyance of LL peaked, Chris and I took off for Secrets. A much smaller crowd and a bunch of familiar people made it more pleasant.
I need to take some time off from the constant weekend nights out. Not because of drinking too much ( you can never do that ) or the finance side of it ... but just to detach from the other unhealthy aspects. It's fun, the attention is flattering, but it's also false and fleeting.
Daily I grow more annoyed with the hidden agendas of people.
Duality is something I can relate to. If you're hard & soft, shallow & deep, serious & flighty -- I can handle that. I can even understand it. It's the people who are one thing, yet hide behind the mask of another persona that really irritate me.
If there are two things I really hate in this world .. they are Cher songs and fake people.
Living life as if time is an unlimited resource. No thought to the lack of guarantees. No plan or focus. Just playing the game and rewriting the script.
Who am I to say anything, though...
Sunday, September 04, 2005
I'm freaked out by the fact that I still dream about my dead boyfriend. It's the same dreams, over and over again. There is no need to go into details, other than to say the dream is depressing and annoying. I'm just amazed that my mind continues to rehash those thoughts, concerns, and fears over a year past his death.
Today was a fun day. I hung out with a new friend, went to Towson Town Center - got some Sushi (killed his stomach and made me have to shit), saw the movie RedEye (Loved the fucking movie.. pretty intense), and walked around Barnes & Noble. Was definitely an enjoyable time and I am glad I went.
I picked up two new books. Niether of them being the book I really wanted, but they both seem like they'll be interesting. One on Kabbalah (no, i am not getting into Kabbalah stuff - just something to read for the hell of it) and a fiction called "Wicked. The life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West."
I rarely ever read mindless fiction, so I'm interested to see how into it I get.
Either way, it was fun. Now it's time to shower and head out... another night on da town! Woohooo....
My friend, Lil Chris, and I went to Secrets in DC. Our typical Saturday night hangout spot. This adventure had to be one of the more enjoyable nights there. Ran into Jeff, someone I've known and adored since I was 16, an ex-boyfriend John (not my dead John, that'd been a lil creepy), and then we made a decision that would forever change Saturday nights....
We went, next door, to HEAT...
Just imagine Three Ring Circus meets Gay Strip Club. It was fucking intense, insane, and surprisingly a lot of fun. I'd love to describe it in great detail, but it still feels so surreal .. I'm not even sure I can form a full sentence about it.
The night did pay off though as I made an excellent business contact for promotions. Not to mention, three really hot dudes all about the videos.
I have to drink some water and pass out.... just thought I'd post a lil somethin somethin.
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
While there I ran into a dude that I call Thundercat. I've seen him around for a while now, but never really have taken the time to speak with him. I prefer to just call him a Thundercat, laugh and move on with other things.
Last night was a little switch to my typical interaction with TC because he saw me, made some little hand gesture (which I think was polite as opposed to fuck you), smiled and came over to talk.
I have to be honest, I've never paid him much attention prior to last night, but the moment he speaks -- it's like BAM!! This dude is a friggin hottie and that's not even touching on the body he's got. Face (yes, I am all about faces), movement, and his speaking make him a really intense package.
Plus he has this sweet, almost innocent nature to him which really is the opposite of his look and that just adds to the entire TC experience.
Anyway, I've been thinking about him since last night. After a few jo sessions and a half bottle of wet, I've come to the following conclusion:
This dude is the face of everything I do.
I want his image to be what represents the company and myself. He's perfect. Thus, the work begins...
I am now sitting down and making notes. I have a 1001 ideas to bring to fruition and I beieve TC will be the star of them all.
I borderline on nervous and excited. Scared and empowered. I want to make a bold, powerful impression upon Baltimore. Let them see I mean business ;) As for the competition, take no prisoners.
I spoke with the local gay paper, whos advertising rates I think are extreme for being a local homo paper, but maybe they do get around enough to make it worthwhile. It's just hard to part with the amount of cash they're asking for - when all I am doing at this point is putting the name into the heads of people. So that when we do launch, they've already heard of it and hopefully the curiousity has been built up enough to make them come look.
It better be. I just paid $175.00 for domain names. Sheesh.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Good call. Who knew a simple car wash could be so rewarding?
Then, of all things, I run into a friend from the gay bars in Baltimore - in all places, my straight dive hangout in Linthicum. Go figure?!
It definitely made for a nice closure to the evening. I'm actually excited about our upcoming work together. The meeting has taken care of some of my prior concerns.
Time for bed...
Monday, August 29, 2005
It was a nice time. Cozy. It's good to see my mother doing much better than she was before and to have her long streak of depression subdued.
** the rest of this post has become unnecessary. It's nice to have things as they should have been, without tensions or strife.
Be careful, you often times get what you wished for .. and not exactly how you wanted it.
Welcome back to the life of a pornographer. Good times. I can only imagine how this will add to all the stories about me already floating around. It is okay, though. All PR is good PR -- just make sure you get my name and the spelling correct.
Yesterday and today I have spent the majority of my time rekindling old contacts. Programmers, media, attorneys, the works. I am in turbo mode and on a deadline to have this 'thing' online and operating by the first of October. There is so much to do.
So much competition to snuff out. I'm just a little bit competitive.
I am also extremely nervous. Since I will be launching the surprise 'thing' in my own local territory -- my nerves are on end for how it will be received. As I like to do with everything, I am taking something typical and adding a twist to it. A little edge, if you will. Something to make it stand out and demand attention.
Now I get to put all my marketing and pr background to the test. If you're in the Baltimore/DC area, watch your local homo papers and bars for the 'lead in.'
Microsoft has one of the most incredible marketing strategies .. they are really a good company to follow if you're in that field. They build up great anticipation, mislead their competition, and steer their audience. All the while you probably don't even realize it .. it's a good system for delivery. So I will be borrowing some of their tactics, thanks Bill.
The house is clean (yay!) and I am getting things in order for my meeting tonight with two dudes who, if all goes well, will turn out to be some intense talent. They got that boy next door, thug appeal. A good smile, too, which will help in public.
I feel rusty, though. It could be because I am old -- well my eyes are old -- or simply nerves. I haven't had to do any of this in such a long time. I'm sure I'll fall right back into the flow of things, but it's just that initial anxiety that I'm dealing with at the moment.
Anyway, just thought I'd ramble a little bit -- clear my mind. I need to go hunt down a graphics friend... whoever is crazy enough to be following my life --> I'll keep you posted on what's going on and post some pictures of these people for your thoughts ;)
Saturday, August 27, 2005
So today N2 met me at Annapolis Mall for some shopping and lunch. Even though I was still hurting from my Friday night adventures at Central ... it was still nice to see him. We got a salad, walked around and did the clothes hunt. Ahh what is it with clothes now? Every store has the same damn thing with a different tag on it. Nothing really wow stands out. Of course, Abercrombie & Fitch had some half naked, ripped up dude at their entrance .. I guess they are trying to fight the boring clothes issue with sexual appeal.
So N2 managed to find some nice jeans (Oakley jeans R O C K) and I picked up some shirts from A&F that I probably won't ever wear. It's cute when you buy 'muscle' cut clothes, but aren't umm muscular. ;) I guess I'll have to wait six months to wear that.
Then I had to have pizza... I crave pizza whenever I smell it. So I figured "what the fuck?!" I might as well enjoy eating like that now .. as it'll be stopping in all of two weeks. So, I am getting my fill of the bad foods while I can.
Overall the Mall Experience was nice. I came to a few realizations during it, for whatever good they serve.
...what gives you the right to touch me there?... fucking hilarious.
What I really should be writing about is last night! Holy fuck! What a crazy ass evening and of all places in Baltimore.
Between my stalker who flat out told my friend that if I didn't give up my ass to him, he'd simply rape me (yeah good luck killer...) -- to the guy whos underwear I pulled off while he was dancing half-naked on the stage (for what purpose I'm not sure) -- to the fucking shot that did me in and had me in awful pain for 45 minutes...
....It was definitely an interesting evening. Speaking of interesting evenings, I have to prepare for another one.... RaWr!
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
.... while I suck on a Newport to ease my nerves. Someone needs to stop that addiction factory, I swear to God.
Hanging out with N2 always makes my day. So I endured my tiredness (as in the previous post) and managed to stay lucid for our dinner.
Not to be shallow, because that is certainly one thing that I am not. I have to say, though, that while N2 always looks good (that bastard) today he looked absofuckinlutely amazing.
Maybe it was his clothes. The tan skin. Who knows. Whatever it was, he looked like he had just stepped out of a magazine. The dude has got incredible eye appeal (that's far from all, but today it was on turbo - and made me say WOW.).
What's funny is that wow wasn't all I said. I had this feeling from the look on his face when I found him (ok ok he found me.. I am so blind.) that my first thoughts were "Wow. This is a shame."
Part of me thinks writing about this is wrong. However, I do know some people having been following the "sitch" (good slueth work to know there was one, guys.) and I adore Mike, regardless, so I have nothing bad to say. What harm is there then? It's a blog for Christ sake -- that's the point of it.
I won't be verbose about the situation and try to get to the climax quickly. During dinner, which was nice, I had this foreboding feeling. There was something in his eyes that didn't seem right. An uneasiness. It was starting to make me nervous and when I get nervous I laugh. Go figure. So I knew something was up and I knew what it was.
I've been waiting for it to happen for a little bit. Just riding the wave until the final destination. I know part of me was hoping I was incorrect about that destination. Today we arrived and I wasn't. Sadly enough.
On the way out from dinner, N2 wanted to walk me to my car and have a 'talk.' The moment I heard that word (talk) my entire body went numb. So to keep my composure and to attempt to help him (in the event it was difficult) I threw some jokes in and tried to play a little stupid...
....Then my self-defenses kicked in. I really didn't want to hear it from him. I think had I allowed him to say whatever it was he wanted to say ... it would have probably made me emotional. So, to make it easier on both of us, I cut him off and beat him to the punch. "It's alright - I already knew."
I'm afraid that in my doing so I came across cold, uninterested, and without concern. You can't hurt me if I don't care, right? Truth is ... I was none of those things. I was sad and hurt.
I have to (and I do) give him a ton of credit. Chivalry and tact are not dead, not with him. He made a point of trying to ease my esteeme while delivering his message. It was thoughtful, sweet, and meant a lot to me.
Oddly enough, it's not my ego or pride that is hurt or sad. I'm sad because the interest waned with someone incredible. A rare breed. N2 is as incredible inside even more so than outside -- and let me tell ya, that's a lot of incredible.
I also feel defeated a bit. That, I will say, is a selfish and childish feeling for me to have. I do, though. You see, there was someone who told N2 not to date me. I think part of me wanted to prove that person wrong. In the short time we hung out together, I hope I did.
When you truly like someone, unselfishly, what is best for them and will make them happy is what matters. This is one of those cases. Be it me, someone else, or alone -- N2 is an awesome guy and I want him to be happy. When he does find that person they are going to be very lucky. Of course, if they hurt him, I'm gonna break their legs. ;)
So while I'm definitely sad ... I'm happy to have a friend in him. Intimacy is not as important as that. Nothing is changed, just redirected. I adore him just the same.
So after the 'we should just be friends' talk -- I needed some time to get myself together and decided I'd take my jeep to the carwash. It really needed it. I think I was pushing the "jeeps are supposed to be dirty!" threshold. I'm not a big car person - I tend to get one, run it into the ground, and get another one.
Kinda like men, I guess.
I've been up since 2:00am, so I have not gotten the sleeping correctly portion of my "Major Life Changes" in order... yet. I am still gonna work on that one. Right now I am trying to stay awake until a normal hour. Hoping that I can crash and sleep until a normal hour. This remains to be seen. Wish me luck!
In two weeks I pack my bags for Salt Lake City. Ahh nothing like mormons and backstreet boys. For those uninitiated few, I kid you not, every guy in SLC looks like he walked out of a boy band. I am not saying if that is good or bad, just interesting. I also like the horrified look on their faces when you say the word "Fuck!" to them. In mormon tongue I believe it is 'friggin' which makes saying "What the fuck is friggin?!" even more enjoyable.
Nothing like tormenting some mormons....
It's going to be a short jaunt, with long layovers, to see the one of my best friends. It should prove to be an interesting trip. We're both a bit wild when we drink .. so who knows what'll happen. My next blog could possibly be a voice one from some jail cell in SLC. ;)
That trip is not my holiday, however. Jason needs a Holiday. Ooh yeah... Oooh yeah... some time to celebrate.. Ooh yeah... Ooh yeah...
..my bad, momentary gayness.
Not like I really do anything to be deserving of a Holiday. I fight with that a lot; the deserving part. I mean, it's not like I'm busting my ass working and cleaning and cooking. All the same, I have stress regardless and some time away would be friggin wonderful.
I long for sun (I'll burn in five minutes, good times.) and palm trees. Palm trees rock, you know. Wanna make me happy? Give me a palm tree. I prefer you give me a palm tree, in the yard of a house, in somewhere other than Maryland. However, I'll settle for one you blow up at this point.
I am debating Hawaii. I've never been there, I hear it is beautiful, it has palm trees, sun, and cool things. It is also a long ass flight, you're stranded on an island, it has volancoes, and who knows what you do while in Hawaii. I can't imagine it being as happening as say .. some country in Europe.
While I won't have to worry about the evil Euro to USD conversions, I've also heard everything in Hawaii is inflated beyond belief. Which kinda sucks. I wonder if I can plant a dollar bill...
.. don't try that yourselves. I did it when I was like six years old and to this day, the bastard has yet to grow or even come outta the ground.
I am trying to ramble and keep myself awake so I can have dinner with the N2 ninja tonight... I fear I am not going to make it. That really sucks...
I only have to last an hour and then drive 25 minutes.... I must.. hold... on...
lol -- bye for now.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Perhaps for reasons I cannot control, but could possibly had put some effort into hindering -- I just caught myself transfixed in my reflection. Studying myself, as if overlays of previous years and months were being lifted and dropped over me.
I had a very active life when my boyfriend was alive. I worked insane hours. Often 12 at my store, then to the gym with my boyfriend for two more, than home (or out) for what quality time we could achieve together, and then onto the computer for 5 or more hours doing more work. Very structured. The routine was almost unbreakable, unless something of extreme value was going on. It was my lifestyle for almost seven years.
Then it changed. I may have enjoyed the break from the restraints of structure and routine. I partied, I traveled any place that the whim hit me to go -- many nights I found myself bored at 7pm and by 10pm I was on may way somewhere else. I shopped, I relaxed, I had 'fun.'
I used to tell my friends that it was just a process of healing. I needed the break to regroup and refocus myself. Three months in a Orlando hotel, drinking and going out .. wasn't exactly regrouping.
What I knew the entire time, behind my closed smiles and self-defenses, was that I wasn't trying to regroup or to refocus. I was trying to run. I was going anywhere and eveywhere I could possibly think of looking for a place that I felt I could belong. A place that held no memories, no past, only what I wanted to make of it.
My friends were good to me. Supportive, thoughtful, understanding. As we exchanged advice with one another. I've always been better at listening and giving -- than I have been at telling and hearing.
The mirror, however, it's impact put to shame any words of advice or thoughtful suggestions on the part of my friends. While I looked at myself, I could hear my past boyfriend speak ... the many hateful, hurtful things he'd said before. I looked and I saw that they were coming to fruition.
Enraged, sad and motivated all by an image, a thought, a memory.
So I have decided that Monday I start back with Yoga (don't laugh - it looks crazy as hell, which is why I can't do it unless it's private) and back to Golds. I avoided Golds at first because of memories and then because I didn't want to go alone. Fuck it. I can go alone, big deal. Just cause 99.6% of the people there can benchpress me with one hand doesn't matter. Not anymore, at least.
I also decided that rather than doing 24 to 36 hour days, as I do now, I will simply go ahead and take the ambien. Maybe after a few weeks of regulating my sleeping pattern it'll be normal again. You have no idea how embarassing it is when someone asks you "So when did you get up?" and you have to say "Oh, 5pm!" ... knowing that person just spent their entire day at work.
I will be back to work again, fully, before the month is over -- so I have to curb the chronic insomnia issues anyway. That'll take care of the embarassing wake up times in itself.
Smoking. Well smoking I go back and forth with. I had quit, cold turkey, prior to a surgery I had. Simply because I didn't want complicatins and I wanted to heal well. Amazing what you'll do when it's a 'pressing' issue, huh? I started again after my boyfriend passed (stress, ya know!) and since then, it has been off and on. Cut back. More intense. Stopped. A complete roller coaster. I hate it. The way it smells, the way it tastes. Right now I am doing really good and smoking very rarely - but the gym and running again will put an end to that, too.
Then there is my personal business decision. It's 90% made. My heart is held somewhere, very deeply, and I think I will go back to focusing my efforts in making a difference there. It can be my good deed or giving back to society.
So if in future posts you see me sway from the things I've said, please by all means feel free to call me on it. Lay into me. Chew me out. Sometimes it is good to have nice gentle 'yo, you're fucking it up fool!" kinda push...
Now I need to go make some plans for a weekend in the sun. I need to feel something other than the lighting in my room. It's not like there are a ton of places to go, in Maryland, by yourself to be outside.
Okay... that's all for now.
'What you didn't hope for happens more often than what you hoped for.'
Friday, August 19, 2005
Now it is all starting to wind down. Thank God. It is definitely not a moment too soon. I was begining to wonder how much more resolve I had in me before I'd break. At least I know that I have a lot.
New job offers are pouring in. Good timing for that too, as the savings I've been using for the past year of 'clear my mind time' is begining to wear thin. A couple of the offers are worthwhile and one (for a 'friend' who owns a software company) gives me the option to work from home, be paid well, and schedule my own hours. Now that I'm down with. Who knows, I may end up back with the family HVAC stuff shortly -- it seems they need me. Or need me to teach a few people there some things I was involved in.
I believe in setting little goals for yourself that step towards your long term objective. So, I've laid those out. What's left of my 'life goals' is now on the table and being worked towards. Well, maybe not the last of my goals -- but the last one that I'm pressed for.
Very few things excite me or impress me. At least it makes me easier to please.
I do need to get my ass re-focused and go back to the doctors. I have never scheduled the second biopsy for my thyroid -- dumbass... dumbass... dumbass. This will serve as a reminder to myself to fuckin do it.
Anyway.. so tonight (Friday) was kinda fun. I missed out (I think) on hanging out with someone .. and got a call from my straight friend to come hang out. So I drove down to Edgemere (Dundalk, whatever you call it) and picked him up. Cool guy, 25, kinda redneck - but he's fun to hang around. So we (he) decide to go over to this strip bar called Skins and off we go..
For a tit bar it wasn't too bad. The crowd looked decent, they weren't very loud or annoying (except for the one drunk dude who insisted on talking to me half the night), and the girls -- well at least most of them looked 'clean.'
We drank, he tipped, I watched the crowd and tried to ignore the drunk dude .. and then on the prowl came this kinda older looking asian dancer girl. She headed over to where my friend and I were at the bar, stooped down and started talking to him. Although, while she was talking to him .. she kept looking over at me. I'm really into the dick thing, despite having a bisexual tendency, so it really did nothing for me. More annoying than anything else....
....Anyway a few moments later and BOOM. There she was. Typical conversation ensued - where ya from, how old, yada yada.. I humored the conversation and then she said "I'm going to go write my number down, call me and let's go out and party together!" and off she went.
My friend was not pleased. He started making comments about how typical it is that he goes out with a fag to a titty bar and the fag winds up getting the dancers number when he wants to bone her.
I told him I'd sell the number to him for a beer, but he wasn't buying it. Damn it.
Anyway, so she drops her number off and goes back to finish her set or whatever. We drink our beers, hang out a little more and then decide to go. I didn't wanna stay and drink or get drunk when I have to drive home on some back roads and shit.
So into da jeep and onward to heteros house we ride... pimpin some tunes.... and discussing the evening..
B O O M mutha fuckin B O O M (( that's supposed to sound climatic!))
He starts asking me what its like to suck dick, have a guy suck your dick, if I ever fucked a guy before, and if I'd LET a guy fuck me...
So he's talking all freaky and shit .. like a mix between being really buzzed and about to bust a nut. So I am trying to drive and watch him to make sure he isn't jerking off in my ride ( i dont want no one spreadin their seed in my jeep - making it smell like clorox) or attempting to reach for me.... Cause - while he's not unattractive - I'm just not out to be fooling around with other people at the time. Plus this is my anti-homosexual friend at that.. which made it all that much more uncomfortable.
So on the way to his house (which luckily was really close) i have to field more questions like "do you think I'm hot?" "I'd goto a gay bar with you" "You wanna come in, have a beer, watch some porn?" -- Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.
So .. I goto the titty bar, I get a bitchs number and my straight friend turns into a wanna-be cock fiend on the way home.
What the fuck.
It'll be funny to see how long he goes without calling me after last night. I am sure (or I am hoping) that when he comes too from being a lil fucked up .. he's gonna be horrified by the shit he said. That should be fun... I can't wait for that call... "Umm.. did I say anything strange last night?"
...."Nah! All good, you just said you were a repressed homosexual, that's all."
:) He's a good guy -- so end of story -- got eninem home safetly and without being ass raped or touched .. dropped him off... drove over the big, scurry, key bridge -- got my ice cream and coffee (gotta love dunkin donuts) and got home in one piece RaWr!
... eh, my life is boring -- what can I say..
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Okay, so a mind is a terrible thing to waste, but I saw MANPOWER and couldn't help but think that they might be an excellent source for a job. So I gave em a call.....
..of course I am a bit tired, it feels like I've been up for days ...and it was hard to talk slow... all the same the call went on.
They didn't offer much help, but at least they thought about it. It's a shame I couldn't get the first five calls to post - they were much much better.
Monday, August 08, 2005
While it may seem odd to people who know me, because of my crazy past of searching and trying different belief systems, I do not believe in dream interpretation. No person or book is going to be able to tell me what my mind is rambling off. If you believe in it.. rather than paying $19.95 for that book or $10.00 for a palm reading -- simply call me. I'll be happy to take your money and put it to better use.
I got this idea while driving around today (driving is my personal time) that I'd take a moment and talk about some of my dreams. It may humor, frighten, or leave you wondering --- but what the fuck. It's not like I control what my mind spits out.
I don't come from a religious family. We never went to church, although I think we tried it on a couple holidays as a passing fade. Kinda like StarBucks coffee. However, my dreams (even as a child) have always been somewhat religious.
The dream I remember most started around the time I was five. It may have been sooner, I'm not sure. I have an interesting memory of those early years. I think my most distant memory was being in my crib - in one of those little one piece kid outfits wanting to move and being unable to. It's amazing I can remember that experience (and the feeling associated with it) probably 30 years ago and yet can barely remember what I ate for breakfast. However, that's just a side comment. Back to the dream....
So the five year old dream: It was always the same. A black room, square. No windows or doors. In the center suspended was an american flag. I never saw myself in the dream, as in a third person sense, I was just there as I would be anywhere else. Out of nowhere would run this little red devil looking guy and he'd set the flag on fire. No emotional response from me, I'm just watching all this. Then there would be Jesus (okay don't laugh) and he'd tell me that he needed me to help him put the fire out. So BOOM I would suddenly have this bucket of salt water (gotta love dreams) and run over.. douse the fire and wake up.
This dream was almost nightly, as far as I can remember, for probably a year or so. What makes me curious about it is my age and the symbolisms. I know where Jesus came from, because he looked the same as he did in a painting that hung in my grandmother's house. As for the flag, salt water, and little red devil guy - I'm clueless.
As I got older, the dreams changed slightly, but kept a religious under-tone. When I was twelve-ish and in my dirt bike racing days I began to have dreams that the little devil guy was on a dirt bike racing through my neighborhood trying to find me. So I'd always be running and hiding someplace to avoid him. He never did find me. I was slick, even in my dreams. ;)
All the nightmares I had though lead to my mother telling me, when I was young, something that would come in handy many years later. She said that when I had a bad dream to wake myself up. It didn't make much sense then, but around the time I was seventeen it started to.
How the fuck do you wake yourself up when you're dreaming? Crazy bitch. Well that's kinda what I thought when she first said it. Minus the bitch comment, I don't think I knew that word then.
As I got older, my dreams got more intense. My dreams are 80% of the reason I have a hard time watching supernatural horror movies. They freak me out. Like NightMare on Elm Street - can't watch it. You'll see why in a moment and my dream experiences came before the movie ever existed.
So while I had those dreams I've already mentioned, I also had nice ones too and the simple falling and other types. It wasn't always freaky religious stuff, just so ya know.
At around seventeen my 'bad' dreams took on a new focus. Now they weren't so much 'bad' or 'religious' as they were just creepy and frightening. The first time it happened is the most vivid one.. so I'll tell you that story:
I was dreaming of nothing special. Just going places, traveling around. I began to have a lot of dreams about traveling. No idea where -- just places. At some point, I woke up and was hungry. So I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I was kinda dazed, which I attributed to just waking up, but when I got into the hallway what I saw began to worry me.
The nightlite in the hallway which should have been on my left, was now on my right. Everything I was looking at was reversed of where it should have been. While I stood there trying to analyze the situation and figure out why I was so dazed from just waking up -- it struck me. I was NOT awake yet.
Now if you have never experienced that - you're not going to fully understand the impact. I was horrified, shaking. I thought I was dead. How coud I be fully conscious, standing there in my hallway able to rationalize everything - if I wasn't awake.
I screamed and no sound came out. I knew I was screaming, I could feel the stress of it, but nothing. I tried what my mother had told me so long ago and was fighting to open my eyes - the problem was they were already opened. At least to my mind.
I was crying, I was upset .. I had no idea what to do. I mean, come on, I am fucking awake and thinking but I'm not. I pulled it together after what felt like a long time of being crazed and walked into the kitchen. I tried to pick up the phone, but couldn't. It wasn't like my hand went to it or thru it - It was more like I didn't have any hands to touch it with.
So.. a little more curious than afraid now (no point in being afraid if you can't do anything about the situation - might as well ride it out) I went to the front door.
This is where the experience became dream like again - the door opened and as I walked outside suddenly all the other doors to the complex opened and out came the people who lived there. They were all grabbing their throats and gasping for air. Falling to the ground. This was it - I was spooked as a mutha fucker and with every once of energy I had forcefully willed myself awake. Then I was.
Sitting up in bed, shaken .. disturbed. According to the clock, I was asleep for less than 15 minutes. It had felt like hours.
I never had a dream like that again (nor do I want to) but I can say that for well over two years I had many where I was lucid and conscious, yet not awake.
If you've ever heard of an OOBE and thought it was a joke. I will tell you, it certainly is not. I do not know exactly what they are, what causes them, where you are when you're in them or what meaning they have -- but I will say that I've had my share and experienced things that will forever impact my core beliefs.
There is a distinct difference between dreaming, lucid dreaming and an OOBE.
As I got older the dreams got less interesting. Some strange shit here and there.. some strange traveling.. nothing of note. Not until my last boyfriend.
I don't know if it was the stress of the relationship, the lack of trust I had in him or what. Yet for the seven years we were together, I must have had a nightmare about him at least twice a month.
Shortly after his death, I had one experience that I cannot classify. Maybe it was a lucid dream - maybe an OOBE. It wasn't exactly bad, just interesting.
I dream about him every now and then, although now they are not the nightmares they were when he was alive. Just random memories (for the most part) that my mind shoots out.
Nightmares have stopped. I haven't had one in well over a year.
I could write pages and pages about these things, but I think my post has gotten too long as it is. So, I'll stop it with one last dream story -- one last experience that again has impacted my belief system and made me wonder about how we're all connected...
My best friend and dirt bike riding partner (back in the day) was Lori Duckworth. Talk about a tomboy. Anyway, her family was definitely a bit hardcore redneck - but they were always very good to me. Even though I was obviously a hardcore homo back then. Odd friendships.
Anyway.. years after our friendship when I was in my late twenties, I had a dream about her. It was Lori, her mother, and me standing on a train platform. Her mom was waiting for the train to come and had TONS of luggage. When the train, a really old steam locomotive, pulled in her mother turned to me and said take good care of Lori. This caused me to begin crying .. and I hugged her, said okay, and cried hysterically as she got on the train and it pulled away.
A few days later, and curious about Lori due to the dream -- I gave her a call. We talked briefly, just catching up and then I asked the big question: "Hows your mom?"
The bomb dropped -- "She died a week ago from problems caused by smoking."