Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Things are good -- for the most part. It also seems that warmer weather brings with it a lot of people who are spawning, as I like to call it. Suddenly there are phone calls from long lost friends, ex's, etc. I'm a sentimental kind of person, so it's nice to hear a familiar voice or receive an email from someone who I haven't spoken to in forever.
So, I am happy. Even with the possible closing of my store (which means unemployed Jason) and the new financial obligations I've taken on... I am still happy, content, and even a bit excited as to how things will play out. Change has always excited me.
Change and a journey.
Speaking of journeys, I received an interesting email about my blog. The intent was nice, I am sure. I guess my writing comes across depressing. I know it can appear that way, but it is nothing more than passing thoughts, mental ramblings, or my way of looking at a situation from various points of view.
I don't tend to be very deep in person. I save that for a select few people, but when I write .. I pull a lot from what is deeper inside. I tend to ask questions that I already have my answer to. I just write to release. It's not as deep as it may appear to the person(s) who take it as a literal representation of my thoughts and feelings.
So, to set the record straight...
No, I am not sad or depressed. Lonely? Sometimes, but not often. I am certainly not pressed for any one in my life at the moment. The days of wanting someone, because they are 'someone' is well over. I'll be content allowing what happens to happen on its own. Each person an opportunity and each person a possibility, but without expectations or desires.
I've always been pretty self-maintaining. Perhaps that is why I am here, 34 years later, after all the things I've experienced. I do not break, not internally at least.
Well that is all for now... until something interesting comes along or I am on a drunken emotional rant. However, I don't go out much lately -- so drunk is a rare thing. Damnit.
Although, the offer to goto "Gay Bingo" might be some good entertainment.
Monday, May 08, 2006
I was perfect, beautiful, amazing and you were intoxicated.
Your hands slowly covered me. Your eyes filled with excitement. Your kiss deep and passionate.
My name escaped you. That's alright, I didn't make an effort to remember yours. You had to take my number, it was important for us to talk again. I already knew the truth, so what point in taking yours?
I tell myself time and time again that perhaps this one is different. Perhaps you are more. So I take another drink and for the next few hours I am yours.
Night turns to day and I awake.. silently making my way out the door. As I walk to my car I can't help but smile. I know, all too well, that you are not different...
Now it's funny, almost a game. I won't be disappointed when the phone call doesn't come - I've already anticipated the outcome.
I'm sure I will see you out again. We will exchange the 'do I know you?" look and I'll simply nod. Another notch, another conquest... what do you call them now?
It may be better this way. There is no wasted time, no one to hurt. Years won't be wasted in realizing we are not right for each other.
That is better, isn't it?
So many secrets and lies are hidden behind loving eyes, encouraging words and kind smiles.
How many tears fall when no one else is around?
When you try to be strong and in control while in the presence of others - yet inside you are suffering. Afraid. Alone.
How many chains bind you? When will you find, within yourself, the power to be free?
Not in a pill, a drink, a cigarette. Not in the acceptance of a friend, a stranger, a lover...
I know too well the pain you feel. The part we play while in public to not be vulnerable. The hurt we endure with hope for something better. Hopes that are set high .. knowing we are likely to lose.
I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.
Learn to appreciate what is lost - as much as you appreciate what you gain.
Everything with a purpose... even when we fail to realize or accept it.