Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I travel all over for work, so I have plenty of time to attack some unhealthy food at MissDonalds.
So.. here's the deal.... if you have Boardwalk or Virginia avenue hit a man up and we'll split profits.
I tell you this, so you can eat more of the nasty shit and I can just help us share some money.
Think of all the hookers you could buy with half of a hundred grand!?!
Monday, September 08, 2008
I'm not sure it was ever meant for me
And I'm glad I'll no longer look in your eyes, for I'm afraid of what they might see.
And I'm glad that we won't talk any more, our conversations never went very well.
And you won't be the one, I'm so eager to see, when I've good news to tell.
Your hand won't be the one I hold, through the bad times and the good.
Your chance is gone to do the little things, that I've always wished you would.
Like asking how my day went, or lending me your ear. Kissing me softly, on the cheek, as you pull me near.
You don't have the chance to offer back what your actions have left out.
I see beyond the words that defined what I thought we were once all about.
So the conversations I absorbed, which always went so well
Were words to you and nothing more, but a poet could not parallel the conviction and feelings you so profoundly portrayed
And I believed, not knowing that, the script changed day by day.
Monday, September 01, 2008
It reminded me of an experience I had when I was eight years old and which I probably have not remembered in over twenty years. I was outside playing at a chapel in front of my grandmother's house when I decided to wander off and walk behind some old houses. Below those houses were the roof of sheds belonging to the homes below and I walked on those sheds until my foot broke through and I found myself looking down, helpless, at how far the drop was below.
Then something strange happened: there was nothing. I remember clearly looking down and being afraid I would fall all the way through and be hurt and then I remember sitting on the grass some feet from that shed. In between I remember nothing.
I would put that aside and say that I cannot remember what happened because I was so young; if I could say that I never had any other experiences like that as I got older. There have been a few, not many, but a few which has made me view things quite differently.
Therefore, I believe that we are not given anything which we cannot handle, but I also feel that sometimes our ability to 'handle' what is given does not mean on our own. Perhaps there are times when being able to handle what has come our way requires a little bit more. Could it be that it requires us to humble ourselves, sacrifice ourselves or come together with someone else to tackle the obstacle. Couldn't that be possible?
I do not have enough faith to be an atheist, but I do have enough personal knowledge to know when the hand of God has been shown. For whatever the reason or purpose, for whatever the greater goal, I know that when the time calls for it we can be greater than our normal self.
We've been given the greatest gifts. Free will, the ability to quickly adapt, the inner knowledge of right/wrong and compassion. I am sure that I'm leaving some other excellent examples out, but those are the ones which strike home to me.
I know he can and will conquer the obstacles that lay ahead and I know that when the time comes and the purpose is right, I'll be there to help him with the ones that I've been brought into his life to assist with.
I've been given the free will to love unconditionally and the compassion to know when that time is right.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
It was, as I like to call it, for research purposes. Not that I really needed to research what I already knew, but it re-kindled in me some of my deep rooted feelings about the gay lifestyle and homos in general.
My profile explicitly says: no hookup. However, I think 'no hookup' must be the new gay slang for "bend me over and fuck me like a heroine addict!' because that doesn't seem to stop people from trying to press themselves (and their cocks) all over me.
I feel sorry for the really sexy people; that must be a hell of a lot of available cock to work through.
It's just every place you look that is attached with the word "Gay!" there is only one major, repeating, topic: SEX.
Everyone is out trying to get their nut. Single, boyfriend, dating, married (real nice guys, bet your wife loves that!) it doesn't matter, they are on the prowl.
It's like there is no strong, stable foundation to a gay relationship. It is built off the premise of sex. In my mind, the outline of two guys getting together follows this rough timeline:
Ah he's hot, big dick...nice. I'll sleep with him. UH OH! I kind of like him, okay we'll date. UH OH! Damn, we've fucked in every way you could think of and then some that I never knew... now he's kind of boring. UH OH! That guy over there is pretty sexy... UH OH! Let me go hook up with him and add some spice to this relationship...
And so the cycle goes. Before you even try to assume that I am just bitter or jaded, truth be told, I am not either of those. I am realistic and if you're gay and would like to say the lifestyle is something else, please correct me if you can. Just don't be mad that I call it out for what it is. Or maybe, just for what the moral majority of homosexuals make it.
How can you bitch and cry about not having an equal place in society when the only thing that your intimate relationships revolve around are being a whore? You reap what you sow, guys. True, as a whole gay people give great things to society: nice fashion, make up tips, reality tv shows just to name a few - but when it comes to stable relationships built on two people coming together as one soul to build a future.. ya all are kind of lacking.
It doesn't need to be that way and what are you gaining out of it? Some good sex? That'll take you places and last a lifetime, huh? Maybe if you don't catch an STD that you can't cure in the process. Does anyone else ever stop and ask themselves, "Is this really worth it?"
Gay, straight, whatever you are there has to be more to life and relationships than who the better fuck is or who the hotter guy (or girl) is. It seems that everyone is so quick to hop in bed, for a little while and then hop right back out to find something new and better. That's often without there being any real 'problems' in the relationship and when there are problems, it's just a quicker get the fuck out.
What about reconciliation? Couple counseling? Heart to heart talkes where a large goal is set that can be reached through small steps? What about soul-mates and lovers?
Everyone loves the fuck out of their boyfriend at least for the first couple months and hell, we all know in the gay world, that word love can quite often hit you within the first two weeks of dating a guy. So wait, maybe it's not our lifestyle that's fucked up?! Perhaps it's our idea of what love exactly is and means?
Either way, I am going to keep on being a homo. Keep on keeping on with being down on the cock (just hopefully my boyfriends and not some random guy from online) - but I am also going to keep on waiting to see something change for the positive in our community.
Maybe one day the truth will snap into everyones consciousness and we'll see a great change. Or, then again, maybe another bathhouse will open. Who knows, right?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Who am I to sit and spill my stories to an unseen audience? To weave tales of happiness, sadness, despair and loathing into stories and parables. To tell the lie that I have learned my lessons, but to continue doing the things I have done that I know I should no longer do.
I stayed on the same road with them, despite their wandering off. I returned to their side and followed them, in as much as a small puppy would do to someone that stopped to pet it. However, as is my experience, after their season was done for me - I returned to our place alone.
There is so much I could write and say, but I don't think I am ready yet. It would be great personal therapy to vent and try to understand -- but I guess the truth is, I've been down that same road before and I should have known better. So who am I to complain, cry or seek validation in the acceptance and sympathy of others?
I want to understand the true nature of man. I want to believe that genuine people do exist. People who cherish and value love and commitment and relationship. People who know how to correct their wrongs, better themselves and help better the people they are with.
Otherwise, what do we have? When our word is no longer a bond, when love is no longer something deep, special and unbreakable -- what are we left with?
Is the nature of man truly dark? I will always hope it is not.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
It's really no fun doing a post like this after the Dixie Chicks and their freedom of speech shit. What ever happened to the Dixie Chicks? Are they even around anymore? So much for that freedom of speech, if not.
I am all about options; I love the options man. I just don't like being in the position that I'm in. How do you make a decision when you can't come to a conclusion; even when you have more than enough facts to make the walk.
It's that love bug.. I'm tellin you. That shit is hardcore. I get up, I get knocked down, I get up again and BAM!!! right back into it....
I'm just a sucker for a sexy guy with those sad eyes and a good line.
So, now I am bored and I miss the fucker. Being single has some good points to it, but nothing beats someone that knows you, has your back and that you know is going to be there for you when the lights come on.
I've been away for some time now. Work has kept me traveling here and there and nowhere you'd really want to be. Unless you're into rednecks from BFE and there is nothing wrong with it if you are.
The knee has healed, thanks in part to my boyfriend and anal sex, but I still don't have the full kneeling action restored. I wonder if that puts my gay card in question?
Poor kitty, it's hard to change your spots. God knows I've tried and I've done very well at it, if I say so myself. My risque bar days are pretty much behind me, even though I do enjoy to go out for a drink now and then to terrorize the scene. My mouth certainly hasn't changed any nor my 'fuck it and fuck you' attitude. My depth has come closer to the surface, though and that creates a lot of change.
It also makes me more easily hurt, but if you've been reading my blog for any length of time you already know I am easy to hurt. I still give my heart totally to the person I am interested in and I still take a beating (no, not literally) before giving up and moving on.
I've always been that way; I believe loving with everything inside of you is the only way to love. I am just amazed that my heart hasn't become hard yet. Or that I haven't learned to sense the difference between someone's 'representative' and their true self.
I guess I still fall for the sales pitch. Who doesn't though, right? Even when the voices in our head are whispering no we continue to say yes. Can't blame us... everyone is seeking the person who completes us.
So where does this leave me? I am doing okay, the job keeps me busy and I am involved with someone who I am trying to believe in. Trying to make sure they can provide what the sales pitch offers.
We will see where it goes.... until then, I am alive and well.
I never gave a fuck; where was the next trick to make a show out of? Who would be next? Just a tool to entertain me and in turn entertain you.
You hated to like me, but you lived vicariously through me. I was everything you wanted to be - too afraid to let loose. Too worried about what people would think to say fuck it.
I've learned a lot; I learned that the more I tried to give a fuck the less reason people gave me. The more I wanted to conform, the more disgusted you made me. It amazes me how the 'gay spotlight' works... just don't give a fuck and do what you want. Take some dude outside, throw him up on a car and suck his dick outside the club. Let 'em watch... it's the spotlight.
But don't try to change your ways. Don't grow up. Don't want more. More is the illusion.
It's just part of the drama...