"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I imagine love

I imagine love as a dandelion.  Bright and welcoming, shining with an intensity like the sun. 

For a time.

As its' cycle completes and the brightness fades, a transformation takes place.

What once was love, is now many seeds or possibilities waiting to be picked and blown into the wind.

What was once love will take root and love will blossom again; for someone else to find.

Is it any more of a blessing to find one to last a lifetime?  Or to be part of experiencing love through the ones we pick along our journey?  Each seed holds with it new possibilities, new life, further adventures.

Does the seed remember the flower it came from?  Does it ever miss it's home?

I imagine love as laughter, but see it in tears.  All delicate in their own way, all as fragile as the dandelion gone to seed.

אהבתי אותך יותר מאשר האהבה עצמה

Saturday, January 08, 2011


Diligo est Silens Veneratio

I feel there comes a time when disclosure, if for no other purpose than closure, becomes a necessary rite.  While there is nothing to be gained, or lost, by such an idea ... it serves to seal the soul and to dispell any doubt or wonder.  It is the embodiement of honor, love and when all is done: silence.

While I titled this post Sanctuary, I also want to call it "156 Friends whom I do not truly know."  The meaning behind that will be known by those to whom it matters.  Moreso, I understand your weakness and your strengths.

I will start this post, this last post on such matters, with this:  I have loved you since the moment I saw you and even before then, when the scent of chrome filled the air... before you were even visible.  I have loved you when you lied, deceived and left me broken.  Indeed, I have always loved you and continue to, yet even love has its' limitations in a physical manifestation.  So now, I have decided, to love you silently - from a distance - where you can no longer hurt me nor lie to me.  Yet, it hurts me all the same.

Most people who read my blog or follow me on FaceBook are aware of my relationship situation.  They have seen my random comments, my displeasures, my hurt and my anger.  Truthfully, I regret the hateful and personal attacks I have made.  I do, however, stand behind them.  They were provoked and while I could have risen above, pain leaves little in the way of being a better man.  It is hard for me to see (or hear) half-truths and not react.  I want and will get the justice I feel is deserved for all that has been done.  It is truth I want - though there may be a different side (or perception) to every story.. there is always and only one truth.

Let common sense be your guide.

I am not innocent.  No one ever is.  I have made decisions and done things which compromise my integrity, my better judgment and at times my own heart.  Yet, I can stand fast to the fact that my world revolved around this one person entirely, without exception, until I began to learn that they were not as true to me.

From there, the more I learned of their own ill behavior, I too cheated.  I became the exact thing that I hated so much in others.  Until one day, when we both had a moment of clarity and all was layed out on the table.  At that moment, our relationship began to feel more solid.  I bent my own rules and tried my hand at a relationship which allowed moments of what I considered inappropriate behavior shielded by rules and boundaries.

It did not work.  Rules were not followed and their behavior continued, without my knowledge, while I was away working.  Which is fine, as I never wanted an open relationship to begin with - the thought is repulsive in any normal state of mind.

As the lies continued, I became more distant.  Every lie caught was always 'the last lie,' until the next one that was unearthed and that too became 'the last lie/'  It became obvious that me, our pets, our relationship and the time we had invested in each other was not more important than the random encounters and 'friends' made during a hook-up. 

I have often been told, by my ex, that had I let them 'have friends' they would never have cheated.  It's a concept I find funny and depressing at once.  I never stopped anyone from having friends, however, you tend to go into a relationship with friends you had before -- and then you tend to make friends while IN a relationship from common acquantainces, work and so forth.  NOT from online sites which are geared towards casual sexual encounters, yet that is what they chose in large amounts.

I guess had they not destroyed my faith and my ability to trust them, things wouldn't have been so harsh.  They are quick to forget the cause of the things they complain about.  The things they did which created those situations.

I was hopeful, when I purchased my home, that things would be better.  I remember the conversation clearly: do NOT disrespect my home, trick in my home, etc.  If that is the case, break up and move on. 

It is, however, exactly what they did.  So many people in my home, SLEEPING in my home, having sex with my boyfriend in my home and even his talking to me while his tricks were in my home.  Now, the home I worked so hard for three years to accomplish disgusts me and reminds me of nothing more than my boyfriends poor choices.  Thank you for ruining a happy time in my life.

What is most painful... is that they did not care anouth about me, nor themselves, to have protected sex.  How would you feel if you knew your boyfriend had been barebacked by two HIV positive people, without your knowledge and then was trying to have anal sex with you when you were intoxicated. 

Every day.... I have to worry and wonder what six month or a year may bring.  I have gone 39 years without a single STD and now, every day, I have to worry because of a choice that I did not make.

Yet, I hear about their cries of a 'psycho' ex-boyfriend and how much they 'miss me' or are having a hard time 'getting over me.'  They tell stories of how horrible I was to obtain a restraining order (yet they fail to mention how they've stalked me) and they talk of me 'jocking;' their phone -- yet they are the ones who continued to call and beg me to take them back....  while still telling lies.

They tell bits and pieces of the whole in an attempt to make people feel sorry for and provide support to them.  It angers me, regardless if it should or not.  Stop telling lies and focus on the truth; at least than, if nothing more, they would be respectable.

What is most sad is that despite it all.... I love them and I miss them.  My dogs miss them and how it breaks my heart each time the dogs look, wait and anticipate their return.  Sometimes, I do the same thing.

The truth of the matter is, when you are sorry or remorseful for something you have done that you shouldn't; you do not continue to repeat the same actions (and certainly not for years).  You do not immediately run back and do the things which caused you to lose what you cared so much for and you do something to prove your intentions.

Nothing was ever done and again my heart broke.

So while stories are told as a rally cry....  I sit putting pieces back together of a life and home that is empty.  I sit and try to rationalize the four empty years that I have invested in someone that treated me as nothing more than a means to an end ..... I worry about the long term impact on my health, because of them and throughout it all I miss them and still love them. 

Believing in people, loving them with all of yourself and not giving up on any one is how I was raised.  It is who I am.  It is what I believe, even when the person who I care for throws petty slurs and comments about my family..or more directly about my deceased mother.  Even still...

So, this is it.  The last comment, discussion, rambling.  This is all that will be said about my last relationship.  It is sealed, done and yes, my heart breaks and hurts... my heart is lonely all the same.  However, I have lost more important things in my life -- I can survive anything.  Just as I survive daily anxiety and panic attacks from the stress that I experience every day due to this broken relationship.

So do not ask me about my ex, do not tell me about picking sides, or that he emailed you talking shit about me.  I do not care.  I do not care what he says, what lies or possible truths he may mention or who he makes plans with.  It is no longer my concern.

The truth always comes out, in the end and does not require any other intervention. Let common sense be your guide.

I removed them for a reason and I tried again, but still I ended it.

And my heart is broken, empty, lonely....

But I was not important enough then or weeks ago.  The truth remains, there was no love and that is more hurtful than anything else.

So there is no more drama, he said or she said, it is about action and common sense. 

I have washed my hands of it. It hurts......  :(

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

It's just a little bit funny...

I have a lot of free time at the moment.  My work has slowed down, which gives me the opportunity to enjoy my new home - unfortunately it also means I don't have a paycheck.  Either way, I am sure things will work  out - they always seem to - so I keep on trying.

Even for a lot of free time, despite my desperate search for a local job in this shark market, I have a sense of being overwhelmed.  If it isn't my anxiety, which my ex-boyfriend's lies and behavior tend to keep rather peaked, its my dogs... God love them, they are such sweethearts but the one has had to go and it breaks my heart.

I just can't manage it all alone.  It's a lot of work to manage a house, a disorder, a job search and to fight with a heart that is somewhat cracked (certainly not broken) along with a steady stream of lies and promises.

There was a time when I would have taken my ex back.  Despite the dirty things he has done to me throughout our relationship.  From leaving me stranded in various states, using me, living off me, cheating on me, disrespecting me... I even tried the 'semi-open-relationship' route ... but that didn't work either, because he was still a whore outside of our 'rules.'  Plus, that wasn't the mindset going into the relationship.  It was not what I wanted and according to him (all revealed as lies now) it wasn't what he wanted either.

I forgave more than any sane person would have.  I am not even certain why I did.  I think it's a combination of time invested, caring for someone, being worried for them and also wanting to believe in them.

That is probably the top answer:  wanting to believe.  Don't we all want to believe in someone?  To think that the promises and talk you hear is true ... with depth, passion and meaning?  I know I did and even though I knew it wasn't, I hoped it was.

Now, even as they stalk people on my facebook (lol-pointless process nonetheless), while they immediately resort back to the same behavior that helped end our relationship, as they failed to prove themselves in any sense (even though they begged and pleaded for a chance to)... as everything negative about them is the same as it always has been and always will be...  they send me texts and voice mails about how much they love me, miss me and want to be with me.  It's a twisted little game; if I were able to assume they were on alcohol or drugs it would make more sense, but unfortunately that is not the case.

They expect those words will get them back where they were.  I don't blame them, if I could live in someones house who is hardly ever around, pay money here and there when I can - just to have it spent back on me and turn their house into my own personal brothel.... I guess I'd miss it too above sleeping on someones sofa in the ghetto.

But love....  it's an empty word and one they are not educated about enough to say.

To add insult to injury, as well as to peak my anxiety and excite my rage, to allow a third party to disrespect me?  That is where the line is drawn.  You choose in life who and what matters most to you -- for many years they decided that was tricks, acquaintances and fair weathered 'friends.'  -- but never me.

And although all these people existed... it was only I that was ever there for them; it was me who was important when they needed something they they or someone else couldn't provide.  Still, they were never there for me.  Not once in the course of our relationship, even when they could, did they ever do - give - fulfill a promise - anything.... for me.  ((sigh)) hindsight is 20/20

Love is not a simple word,  it is an action.  Just as caring, loyalty, respect are all actions. 

His words were empty and always proven to be false.  It is no longer a surprise, a pain, a loss... it's a disappointment and time wasted that I can recover.

Who will show those words in action, as much as I can?

Sunday, January 02, 2011


I've always said that I never wanted to be one of the pretty people or part of the popular scene of look-a-likes and act-a-likes. Nor have I wanted to be the coked up, muscleboy in the spotlight. Popular for no reason, like a Paris Hilton with a cock.

Maybe that's not completely true and just a self defense mechanism. Just a way to let go of younger ambitions that now, years later, are dusty and incomplete.

I've been blessed to know many people, to have my thirty minutes of fame - while some have only 15 or non, to have incredible friends and been to incredible places. Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I have never understood why some men are so taken by me. With just one conversation, their universe is me. How flattering it feels and how it kept me up high when I was younger. I guess I was more popular than I thought.

Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I've tried to be what others wanted, bent myself to keep people happy, I've been passive, aggressive, angry and a lover. I've played bad boy and innocent - even took on the role of boy and girl.

I have used sex as control. While you snorted coke, I was being held down and penetrated to feel my high.

Who I was changed day by day. A script written for the people or circumstances I was in - never me on the surface.

Now I sit here alone. Alone I am comforted, I know who I am now. My heart not broken by choices or mistakes - I feel free.

Even still.. I have saved you a seat, next to me. Ever hopeful still.