"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Perfection leaves no room for movement, but a worthless life does not move period.

So recently I decided to add places like manhunt.net and adam4adam.com to my list of sites that I belong to and visit. I won't get into the reasoning behind those two sites, but trust that it wasn't for the plethora of available dick and sloppy ass that comes with it.

It was, as I like to call it, for research purposes. Not that I really needed to research what I already knew, but it re-kindled in me some of my deep rooted feelings about the gay lifestyle and homos in general.

My profile explicitly says: no hookup. However, I think 'no hookup' must be the new gay slang for "bend me over and fuck me like a heroine addict!' because that doesn't seem to stop people from trying to press themselves (and their cocks) all over me.

I feel sorry for the really sexy people; that must be a hell of a lot of available cock to work through.

It's just every place you look that is attached with the word "Gay!" there is only one major, repeating, topic: SEX.

Everyone is out trying to get their nut. Single, boyfriend, dating, married (real nice guys, bet your wife loves that!) it doesn't matter, they are on the prowl.

It's like there is no strong, stable foundation to a gay relationship. It is built off the premise of sex. In my mind, the outline of two guys getting together follows this rough timeline:

Ah he's hot, big dick...nice. I'll sleep with him. UH OH! I kind of like him, okay we'll date. UH OH! Damn, we've fucked in every way you could think of and then some that I never knew... now he's kind of boring. UH OH! That guy over there is pretty sexy... UH OH! Let me go hook up with him and add some spice to this relationship...

And so the cycle goes. Before you even try to assume that I am just bitter or jaded, truth be told, I am not either of those. I am realistic and if you're gay and would like to say the lifestyle is something else, please correct me if you can. Just don't be mad that I call it out for what it is. Or maybe, just for what the moral majority of homosexuals make it.

How can you bitch and cry about not having an equal place in society when the only thing that your intimate relationships revolve around are being a whore? You reap what you sow, guys. True, as a whole gay people give great things to society: nice fashion, make up tips, reality tv shows just to name a few - but when it comes to stable relationships built on two people coming together as one soul to build a future.. ya all are kind of lacking.

It doesn't need to be that way and what are you gaining out of it? Some good sex? That'll take you places and last a lifetime, huh? Maybe if you don't catch an STD that you can't cure in the process. Does anyone else ever stop and ask themselves, "Is this really worth it?"

Gay, straight, whatever you are there has to be more to life and relationships than who the better fuck is or who the hotter guy (or girl) is. It seems that everyone is so quick to hop in bed, for a little while and then hop right back out to find something new and better. That's often without there being any real 'problems' in the relationship and when there are problems, it's just a quicker get the fuck out.

What about reconciliation? Couple counseling? Heart to heart talkes where a large goal is set that can be reached through small steps? What about soul-mates and lovers?

Everyone loves the fuck out of their boyfriend at least for the first couple months and hell, we all know in the gay world, that word love can quite often hit you within the first two weeks of dating a guy. So wait, maybe it's not our lifestyle that's fucked up?! Perhaps it's our idea of what love exactly is and means?

Either way, I am going to keep on being a homo. Keep on keeping on with being down on the cock (just hopefully my boyfriends and not some random guy from online) - but I am also going to keep on waiting to see something change for the positive in our community.

Maybe one day the truth will snap into everyones consciousness and we'll see a great change. Or, then again, maybe another bathhouse will open. Who knows, right?

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

What is the nature of man?

"I do not understand what I do... It is no longer I myself who do it, but it is the sin living in me.... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do --- this I keep on doing..... I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me... I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin. I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." -- From a letter written by Saint Paul to the church in Rome, A.D. 57

Who am I to sit and spill my stories to an unseen audience? To weave tales of happiness, sadness, despair and loathing into stories and parables. To tell the lie that I have learned my lessons, but to continue doing the things I have done that I know I should no longer do.

I have been silent a long time, because I was caught up in traveling for work and dating someone that I met while doing so. A fascinating person, whos imperfections I found beautiful in a way that perfection could not match. Giving my heart, and myself, freely although I know that it is often with a cost not readily seen at the start.

I stayed on the same road with them, despite their wandering off. I returned to their side and followed them, in as much as a small puppy would do to someone that stopped to pet it. However, as is my experience, after their season was done for me - I returned to our place alone.

There is so much I could write and say, but I don't think I am ready yet. It would be great personal therapy to vent and try to understand -- but I guess the truth is, I've been down that same road before and I should have known better. So who am I to complain, cry or seek validation in the acceptance and sympathy of others?

Why is it that love never wins? That truth does not prevail? Why is it that you can give your heart so freely to another person and they can take of that, but they cannot correct the wrongs they've done? Or how can someone hurt the person that loves them, knowing the entire time that is what they are doing? Empty words so easily slip from the lips of others; love is such an easy word, for many, to speak.

I guess to some people it is easier to ignore the wrongs they've done and move on. That way they don't have to face them, their accuser, or correct them. I guess two people, working together, to a common goal - sharing a common love - to have something special is only in fairy tales. Or perhaps, there was really no love at all.

I think we should stop filling youth with the imagination of utopian love, happily ever after and fairy tales where good defeats evil and the nasty dragon is slayed. Then again, perhaps I am just old and bitter. Having loved people and sacrificed myself for them, time and again, to always be the one standing alone when everything is said and done.

Perhaps the true nature of man is the darkness in their hearts. The sin we keep locked up inside, while we put on our show for everyone else to see. Perhaps it is more fun to lie, cheat and be deceitful to the people around you who love you. Everything that is taboo offers more excitement, does it not? Everything you should not do, becomes that much more exciting to do.

I was proud of myself to have reached a point in my life where I was genuine. I love with all of me, I am loyal to a fault and I give of myself to those I care for before ever considering myself. Without expecting in return for anything more than the respect and love that ought be part of the relationship. Then again, perhaps that pride is the same exact darkness in my heart that makes me the same as the person who cheats, lies or hurts others.

I want to understand the true nature of man. I want to believe that genuine people do exist. People who cherish and value love and commitment and relationship. People who know how to correct their wrongs, better themselves and help better the people they are with.

Otherwise, what do we have? When our word is no longer a bond, when love is no longer something deep, special and unbreakable -- what are we left with?

Is the nature of man truly dark? I will always hope it is not.