"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Friday, September 30, 2005

I do not see what you see

How can you tell me I am beautiful

Why am I so interesting to you

Are you sure you mean what you say

Can you be sure it is not just a passing phase

I don't understand what you see, I've never seen it myself

My disappointments and hurt don't help me in appreciating the things you say

I want to believe you

I want to be lifted up

Yet every time I've taken that step ... I've only fallen further

What do you see in my eyes -- what truths do they speak to you

I can tell you've seen beyond my actions and my words

You touch something deep inside of me

Im scared of you

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Will you love me even when I do not love myself?

I friggin love this weather! As I sit here drinking my instant Chi Tea and eating corn from a can... the windows open... it's such beautiful weather. The air is crisp and refreshing, with a slight chill.

Tonight was nice and relaxing (sort of..) Chris H&M, Joe, and myself went to see The Corpse Bride. Nice movie and a sweet meaning behind it.

I wonder how they get the corn off the cob to pack into my can of corn? Just a random thought that hit me.

I've purchased my ticket and booked my hotel reservation for Prague this December. I am so looking forward to that trip. I've been wanting to visit Prague for the longest time. I am going to try to have at least one tourist day during this trip. I want some pictures... I regret not doing that in Italy, a bit.

I am hoping they sell fur coats in Prague, because I am on a mission to get a pimp coat while there. Italy was shoes (of course I bought a color that I can't wear with anything) and I have made Prague the pimp fur coat trip. I don't care if it is llama fur, zebra fur, synthetic fur.. I just wanna pimp coat damnit.

The two projects I am working on have me so overwhelmed. It is just so much to deal with between websites, design companies, programmer bids, outlines, advertising deadlines, special guest contacts, and trying to make development schedules and plans...

I just sit here in a daze -- like 'What do I do next?!"

The stress is making Delta.com look really good right now. They are having this kickin special for trips to Berlin.

I don't deal with temptation well and certainly not when it is trip or sex based. Sheesh, I'm only human-ish.

Tonight Joe turned me onto another gay cruise site. This one I was not aware of, but now that I've seen it -- it has me more on edge with my project. It can easily be improved upon and they do overcharge for memberships -- but still... it's just more saturation and more to work against.

I have a competitive nature when it comes to business. I like the challenge to out shine -- I just don't like the stress that is attached to that challenge. Oh well, we shall see what happens.

...and by sheer force of will, I will raise you from the ground and without a sound you'll appear resurrected to me to love.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Will (s)he go down on you in a theatre?

It is 5:32am and I am still awake. Rebecca just drove from Columbia to pick up some Ambien and I just recently dropped off my 21 year old straight thug-a-be 'friend.' Isn't this what we did when we were 16?

Rebecca called out from work today, because of her lack of sleep. Perhaps we'll make our yearly drive out to Gettysburg, PA. Take in the fresh, crisp fall air .. pick up some pumpkins and groceries from the country store .. then have dinner at Dobbin House. It's such a beautiful, relaxing time. A nice change of pace from my daily race of emails and websites.

Speaking of PA - I wonder how my friend Chris is. So adorable. Why do I always turn away from the ones who are so good? I shut down to them. That's another story, for another time. I will say I make it a conscious effort to not do that.

I think that I am scared of good people sometime.

My dinner with Thunder Cat went well. Surprisingly well, I think. I am not sure if we accomplished anything on the work end, but the conversation and the company was enjoyable. He's different in a genuine sense. No pretentiousness and a bit of boyish innocence.

... I'm not that innocent ...

I did learn that my roommate had the balls to tell him, out of the blue, that I was a slut.

A slut.

This coming from the dude that has slept with half of Baltimore and could write a medical journal on his STDs.

It was nice to be informed of that, though. Perhaps his rent will increase now.

No point or desire to confront him with the comment. I'll respect TC's 'anonymous' information.

I don't really care what anyone says about me, as long as they have the right to say it. Just make sure you get my name correct.

Monday, September 26, 2005

And I, unaware, that the script changed day by day..

Tonight I went to Central Station. My roommate J. Brian is without a car temporarily and he asked that I pick him up. So off I went to taxi him and have a drink in the process...

I am always amazed by the amount of attention I receive and from the large number of people who seem to attach a 'friendship' with me from the bar. While it may sound as though I am being egotistical, I am really not. It honestly shocks me. I don't see what they see and I never have understood the attention I receive and thrive on.

Regardless if I instigate, humor, or dive into it .. I ride it like a mysterious cloud, never fully grasping it, but going with it to whatever the destination may be.

I also learned tonight that someone I was very interested in for a long time, who is just a friend of mine, was interested in dating me. He never told me that. Then I ended up sleeping with his ex-boyfriend (while they were NOT together, I might add) and that has forever sealed the hidden option of dating.

It is for the better, perhaps.

I ran into ThunderCat, or ThunderKat as he spells it, and was once again reassured that he would not stand me up (again) for our dinner tomorrow/today. It's only a 'business' meeting, but I like his company. I really can't explain that either. I don't know him, but there is something in him that I see.

To say he has 'depth' to him would be much too generic. There is something in his eyes, however, that I find gripping and fascinating. When I'm around him thoughts just begin to rush through my head. Things that I feel the need to tell him. I really can't explain it and my attempt to is not doing it (or me) any justice.

I could sit and listen to him talk for hours and just watch his eyes, his movements. It is strangely soothing. There's a peace hidden in him. Who knows, maybe I'll figure it out or just leave it as me being psychotic and too deep.

So it is now 3:23am and I am sitting at my desk, in intense pain, listening to Madonna's Rain. Sounds somewhat depressing, eh?

Sometimes the pain gets so intense that I feel as if I am going mad. I am so tired of hurting, I'm so tired of a body that is falling apart. When does it stop? How does that lyric go...?

"What good is the strength of the strongest heart, in a body that is falling apart. A serious flaw, I hope you know that. Oh my creator."

That may not be an exact quote, but it does get the point across quite well.

I'll call the neurologist this week. It doesn't do a ton of good. I don't want to be medicated on painkillers. I prefer fixes, not bandaids. I have had enough bandaids in my life.

I think every person has a cross they are meant to carry. An obstacle. Something to strengthen your character -- or perhaps make you more understanding of the cross that others carry.

I like to think of things that way. Regardless if I am right or wrong. It gives a purpose and a focus to something which would otherwise be nothing more than a burden.

I am lonely.

I have good friends, a tolerable family, but I'm lonely. It's okay, I am used to it. I was lonely even when I had my boyfriend. It is just when I had my boyfriend it wasn't an empty type of lonely.

At thirty three I've conquered all of my wants and desires. Trust me, it is not because my list was small. I have just been very motivated, focused, determined to accomplish and have what I wanted. Unfortunately, all those things are nothing compared to one of the two I've yet to hold.

Let me share something...

It will be another full moon soon, perhaps another night with you.
The thought that it may be the last masked by the fading view
Of shadows dancing around where you lay, as if they worship you
Almost enough, but not quite as much, as I honestly do.
You don't see because your eyes are closed, but I watch you as you sleep
Afraid to look away, for tomorrow may be the day, I have only the memories to keep
I breath in the breathe that you release, you are the life that I absorb
You asleep in your seperate peace, me overwhelmed as I adore
All that you are and all that you're not, with this hope that reality can break

...for I am not and will never be in your world when I awake.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

My house smells like popcorn..

Okay it's 7:33am and I am just getting home from clubbing. While my mind is all about it, my body is saying "What the fuck?!" It's hell to be 33, I keep forgetting I don't recover like I did ten years ago. Damn it all.

While taking a poo it dawned on me that in all my blogs I have never mentioned my 'going out' friend. Well he is really more than just a 'going out' friend, but due to his new location, that is really the only time we see each other.

About ten months prior to the death of my boyfriend, I met a guy that I spent my alone nights with terrorizing people in the AOL chat rooms. We met in downtime Annapolis (he lived there then) .. walked around, talked, got gellato ;) -- We had this instant click. He reminds me of an old friend I grew up with. Our insta-click is the same. He also spent a good amount of time with me in Orlando, after my boy passed away.

Chris is one of those special friends that no matter the disagreements or issues, whenever we hang out it is just a good time. We're both a little crazy (I think we feed off each other a bit) and no matter how fucked a situation is .. we have a good time with it.

It's nice to have a friend like that, because I do not befriend a lot of people. It's about quality with me, never quantity. I can barely keep up with the people I know now anyway -- anyone who tries to telephone me can attest to that.

I ran into my 'ex', Jason, at Secrets tonight. That was supposed to be the entire point in going. Meet up, have a couple drinks, talk. It didn't exactly work out that way - but it was nice to see him. There were some things that I didn't have the opportunity to say which I wanted to get out.

As odd as it is for me to say it -- I still like him. In the 'I'd date you' sorta way. That is super rare for me. When it's done with someone, it's done. I don't keep ex-boyfriends around as friends. If it ended it usually is because one of us doesnt like the other, so what's the point?

I'm not into being someones friend just cause we tagged each other.

Anyway to avoid making it long and painful to any reader - bottom line - I like him still. Doesn't mean anything, outside of a personal realization.

Went to Heat again. Hasn't changed. The circus is still in town. However, get a couple drinks in you and go there -- it's endless entertainment and laughter.

Did I mention that old popcorn smells like ass? My roommate must have gone wild making popcorn, because mye whole house smells like it. After a night of drinking, that smell is NOT nice.

I'm also smoking a cigarette (bad Jason.. bad Jason) -- So obviously I am having a temporary willpower issue going on.

Okay time to pass out...

Friday, September 23, 2005

50 things about me....

1. I will say the things you're afraid to say. You can pretend that you're shocked or disgusted, but you know you think them too.

2. I won't sugar coat my views, thoughts, convictions. I won't lie to you.

3. My loyalty is without peer. When you have me, I will never break your respect or trust.

4. I am calculated. Regardless how it appears to you - everything I do or say is well thought out and with reason.

5. The more I drink the more lucid I become. Even if I have trouble walking at the time.

6. My favorite color is blue.

7. I love coffee ice cream - I love anything coffee.

8. Pets are cute, but I'd rather not have them.

9. Kids are cute, but I'd rather not have them. I can live vicariously through others.

10. Grocery shopping takes me forever - there are way too many choices and options.

11. I like having choices and options.

12. I'm a control freak.

13. I can never own enough shoes.

14. I hate the Crayola box of 64 crayons. For the same reason grocery shopping takes me forever.

15. I cook really well except when I am trying to impress someone.

16. I can be thoughtful to the point of looking neurotic.

17. I hate deceptive people.

18. I'm scared of the dark.

19. My house has tons of lights.

20. I'm tormented by my need for religious focus and truth.

21. I've only dated one person that I've remained friends with. I'm not even sure why I did that.

22. What you see is not what you get.

23. I appear energetic, exciting, flighty, and full of jokes.

24. I am really deep, thoughtful, introverted, sincere, and calm.

25. My bark is worse than my bite.

26. I'll fight in a heart beat if someone I care for is fucked with.

27. I put myself second to the people who I care about.

28. I have loved very few people.

29. I only cry when I'm alone.

30. I cry quite often and yet I can't explain why.

31. I'm scared to be alone in my house at night.

32. I can't take a shower unless I can see thru the shower curtain. It's why I have glass doors. They are a bitch to keep clean.

33. I've experienced everything in my life that I've ever wanted - except two things.

34. People remind me of cartoon characters.

35. I am not PC

36. I'm addicted to Ultima Online and The Sims2

37. I don't drink as much as it seems and I hate the taste of alcohol.

38. I smoke, but I hate the taste and smell of cigarettes.

39. I miss going to the gym, but I am too insecure to go alone.

40. I mask my insecurities well.

41. I mask all my emotions well.

42. I deal with situations, in my mind, before they occur - so nothing shocks me or takes control of me.

43. My favorite food is pizza.

44. Masturbation has become boring.

45. If I cum first, you're on your own.

46. I don't do drugs and I have little respect or sympathy for those that do.

47. I admire discipline in people.

48. The feature which draws me to people the most is their eyes.

49. I love photographs.

50. I'm very sentimental.

I take the good with the bad...

I am happy to say these past two days have been rather amazing. I met up with a 'friend' from SWA at Howards who confided some rather personal things in me and ended up spending a good four hours at my house just chilling. It was great to just be able to sit with him and talk. The conversation seemed to flow endlessly and it was sad (but a bit welcomed - i was exhausted) when at 5:30am he decided it was time to go home and sleep. We have plans to hang out again on Sunday, so I am looking forward to that.

ThunderCat has sent a few text messages and reconfirmed their desire to work with/for me. I was begining to get concerned about that. Yet, it seems that all is a go and I look forward to our 'business' dinner on Monday evening.

My friendship with a fellow blogger is going quite well and while their own life seems to be taking a rather stressful turn -- it's nice to have them around. I think the company does us both good. It's nice to be able to laugh and be silly with someone -- without having to be concerned about them judging you or taking it too seriously.

The adult site is now under development and I go to Vancouver, BC shortly to meet with a bigmuscle.com friend who just happens to be a progammer. Better yet, a programmer interested in writing the things that I need for my site. Fucking right on! So that has me pretty excited. I've always wanted to see BC - plus this flight will give me enough skymiles to fly somewhere free. Woot! Or get my upgrades for my trip to Prague. RaWr!

All those things aside, and a few others that I didn't mention, the complete highlite of the last year and a half happened today. My one true passion.. the thing that focused me and gave me tremendous drive for five years is back online. Some of you might know what it is, some don't. I'm not sure I really want to discuss it right now, but I will say that it has made me so happy.

I will continue to push forward with the adult venture and hope that it brings in revenue that I can push to the other. Almost like Robin Hood, I'll use the money from something that I have many personal and moral issues against to help make something that means the world to me better. When I can drop the adult thing and focus on the other, I will do that in a heart beat.

For now, as sad as it is, I need the adult project ---- damn that sucks.

As my title states - I take the good with the bad. Like everything else in my life... every happy moment has to be slightly subdued by a negative one.

Welcome to the world of Hereditary Neuralgic Amyotrophy -- It's back.. starting shortly after my newest tattoo.

The pain is so muther fucking intense that I started taking four of my Ultram (pain killers) rather than one. Even four wasn't making the pain any better. Now I'm out of them.

My right arm is trying to contract at the elbow -- so whenever I straighten my arm out now the pain is stabbing. It runs from my shoulder (painful) down my arm (not to bad) to my elbow (painful as fuck) down my forearm (not to bad) and right into my fingers (like a tingling stabbing pain) ---

Typing is a bitch now and I find myself spending more time sleeping because it's the only moment I get when the pain isn't bothering me.

This shit scares me. I'm afraid of what it is doing to me and more concerned that I have no clue when it will stop again. I can't really explain to anyone the pain. I will say it has me extremely edgy, very irritable, and wanting to beat the fuck out of things.

As always.. my life is filled with petty tyrants. Be it physical, personal, guys I date, family .. somewhere there is always a petty tyrant to try and bring me down.

In the midst of it all - I thank God for my blessings, for my resolve, and for the strength given to me no matter what tyrant is in my path. There is nothing greater.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Shake Me Up

I am so exhausted. Another 26+ hours without sleep. I bitch about this way too often, when I have ambien sitting two feet from me.

Sleep is for the weak! RaWr!

I never did get the chance to ramble off about Utah. I keep meaning to and then I get side tracked. Utah was an awesome time. I miss it already. Not quite as much as I miss Italy, but still missed all the same.

My time with Chris is always incredible. There is no other guy that I can say I love. We have grown very close in our short six years. It's an interesting, exciting chemistry between two opposites. Remember the Odd Couple?

We've toyed with the idea of me moving out to Utah for a little while. It would benefit each of us in our own ways... and it's such a tempting thought. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.

I think I can deal with Utah. It's certainly not a DC, NY, or even a Baltimore. Yet, it has it's own charm. The mountains, fresh air, beautiful people.... and Chris, too. What more could you ask for really?

(a winning powerball ticket....)

Maryland has this strange pull to it. It reminds me of those chinese finger trap things. The harder you try to pull away, the more stuck you seem to be. I do want and need to get away from here. This place holds nothing for me. Except for three people I appreciate having in my life. However, all three can see me regardless where I go.

So between Utah, a year in Europe, and Florida -- I run through various ideas of places to go and set up home. Temporary or long term. Just an added flavor -- something to excite and stimulate. Not sure what will come of those thoughts, but I am sure something will sooner or later.

The good thing about going back into the online business is that no matter where I go -- I can work. Gotta love the Internet for that.

Speaking of the Internet business --- step one is complete. Things are in order and I am now finishing up with programmers and getting things prepared for implementation. After that comes a few weeks of hardcore production ...... then presto: a new online world is born.

.... I just hope the saying 'build it and they will come' holds true with this one.

Well time to get a shower. The mutual friend I share with my roommate had issues with their outbound flight this evening and they are back at my house -- wanting to go out. I feel bad for them so I decided, regardless of my lack of sleep, to take them out to Baltimore.

I guess I can go out looking like a swampdonkey... no big deal.

I just don't give a fuck

I like you, but I'll never let you know. I won't be vulnerable to you. I won't be weak. I will not submit to you, to be another victim of who you are.

I have gone so long without you. How could I possibly need you now? There is nothing you can mend; there is nothing you can fix.

Your smile is not even refreshing, it doesn't wake me up inside. You're empty. Your eyes are dead. I know what you're after.

So I'll humor you. I'll smile and take in the words you spit. As if you're in a trance, you weave a web of deceit with ease.

Why am I standing here? Tomorrow I won't recall your name. I won't keep the number you've handed me. I've already played these games.

You can think I'm easy. I've allowed myself to look that way. Calculated and planned, I know what I am doing. I've used it to keep you away.

Go ahead. Hug me. Hold my hand. Kiss me before I walk away. I'm so special to you, so beautiful. Isn't that what you say?

Don't tell me you see my hurt. That you can feel my pain. Who are you to pretend you know me? You bastard fuck. You're a vulture. I've watched you mark your prey.

It's time to go. The smile lingers until I can no longer see your face. You feel accomplished now, don't you? Do you really think you've won another one?

You're wrong about me...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Avoid sex for a little while..

There is always time for a new first and this week has proved an interesting one. Now, it seems, that when I get ready to have an orgasm I get horrible spontaneous headaches. I am talking beyond migranes. Right when I am about to bust a nut and for a few moments after.

At first I thought it was odd, but didn't put much thought into it. Things happen and we all know that climax can be a really tense thing prior to the end result. It was the second time that I was about to get off and had this headache that I was begining to get a little worried.

More upset that I might have to endure headaches when trying to bust a nut than being bothered by the headache itself. That was until a friend of mine sent me a bunch of links regarding these sex-aches.

The links explained that these headaches sometimes occur in men and can last for an undetermined period of time.. then just stop. No big deal. The flip side was that it could be something more serious -- like internal bleeding.

Needless to say, the thought of something more serious freaked me out and I took my ass to the emergency room to have a CT scan done. I wanted to make sure that everything was alright inside my head. I am sure some people will still disagree that things are...

Why the emergency room? Well, I figured it would be quicker than driving an hour round trip to pay my doctor a $20.00 copay and get a piece of paper to go sit somewhere else and have the scan done. My doctor annoys me anyway. He's never been the same since the 'check up' that resulted with me hitting him in the chin (by accident!) with my dick...

So the emergency room sounded like a closer, quicker fix. I've learned that quicker is not the case with the ER. Even at 9:30am. However, after this ER experience, I really can't say I regret going...

When I finally got called back to my bed (E13) at around noon .. I walked in on a shared room with three other guys and two female 'sitters.' Kinda like adult babysitters... there to make sure no one does anything crazy or tries to leave. I think I was in a room with people that were not exactly there by choice.

That is where the fun began... the one 'sitter' who I spent most of my time talking to had also spent some time in Ashland, WI. Yeah, you probably don't know where Ashland is. You're not missing much. It's way up there in WI, but it gave us some common ground for conversation.

Then there was the sexy dude with tattoos who kept playing with his dick while he slept. Who I later found out was on probation from prison. Not sure why he had been in prison, I meant to ask, but got side tracked by his other conversations. It seems he was there because he tried to kill himself on anti-anxiety medication, but he had also been attacked by his pitbull while drunk. I'm not sure if the two had any relation to his being there .... but he was fun to talk with and decent eye candy. You gotta love hospital gowns, doesn't leave much to the imagination and he couldn't have hidden it too well anyway.

Why do I find those ruff ex-prison thug kinda dudes so hot?

The other two guys weren't anything exciting, but the one who came in right before I left added another touch of homo-erotica to my ER experience. Not only did he have to undo his gown to put it on a different way .. but don't people realize that when you're wearing a gown and lay in bed with your legs wide open you're not hiding anything. Maybe people aren't supposed to look - but shit, it beats out internet porn.

Okay.. enough of the hot dudes showing penis in the ER. The CT was done and things are normal. I give the doctor credit, he was trying very hard to be serious throughout the entire process. Although he broke into a little laugh when telling me to avoid sex for awhile and to try to 'take it slower' when I have an orgasm. Take it slower? wtf.... how do you take it slower?

It's really not something to fuck around with.. so when I 'resume' sexual activity or nut busting -- if the pain continues for more than a few moments I have to go back in right away and get more explorative tests done.

((sigh)) Now sex even has to have issues attached to it. Sheesh....

Anyway.. thanks to the beauty of insomnia, I once again haven't slept. So I am going to take a nap before I ramble away more in my tired state.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005


Okay. I've been wanting to write all about Utah, but have decided to take a momentary break before I do that. I have to get a bunch of the pictures in order, catch up on a ton of email, and prepare for my next adventure...

..I'll write more soon and fill in the gaps about Utah.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

There's only one reason to goto Salt Lake City..

And this is the mutha fuckin reason to fly five hours, get peanuts, be cramped, have only 3% alcohol, and have to deal with sexually oppressed - whacked out mormons.

Just one more day!! We're gonna party like it's 1999.

The new tattoo

... since I have no arm hair at the moment .. and my arm looks like a shaved chiuaua (sp) - this is all I am showing currently. ;)

What is your difference?

I decided to go run some errands. You know me and my busy life. I had to go tan (c'mon, it keeps the complexion clear) and pick up some things for my trip and tattoo from Giant. Did I ever mention that Giant has an awesome salad bar? Fuckin yummy -- as I sit here chompin away.

At the checkout there was this little blue sign that said Giant was taking donations for Hurricane Katrina. Woohoo! I was a little shocked that the cashier didn't know how to ring the donation in. No one else had done one with her and the person before me and after me didn't do it either. Now, granted, who knows what else they've done to help -- or how much they've given. God knows, my little donation won't do a lot, but maybe it'll provide a warm meal for someone or a blanket, socks, or shoes.

That lead me to wonder who is doing what to help. There are so many people out there who make millions in entertainment or sports. People who dropping a million would never impact. Oprah Winfry, Bill Gates, sports stars, celebrities.... Are they doing that? Are they helping?

I don't watch TV so I'll never really know unless it pops up on MSNBC while I am online, but I am curious.

What has our President done? Did he delay his reaction and delay help because he was mad that this shit cut his vacation short?

I think it's funny how the religious right is now saying that this was God's punishment on New Orleans and God's way of stopping the big gay party down there that was scheduled for that week. Southern Decadence or whatever.

So, okay.. LA - AL - MI were all affected. People died - gay, straight, whatever.

These people are saying that God is one lousey ass shot!

What, you don't think God could target a location and who he wanted to take out with pinpoint accuracy? He needed to do the sweep attack instead? Had to have a little curve for error?

Fucking insane.

Before you go trying to tell people what God is doing ... as if you have him on speed dial or direct connect .. why don't you attempt to be more Christ like yourselves?

People.... what an amazing bunch we are. I want some pez.

Reckless Abandon! Over here, please...

Hmmm. What is that? What did I do? I said what? No shit, really?

Don't think I said it just because I was fuckin twisted drunk. I may have said it with more (or less) umpf, but I said it all the same. It's kinda cool how drinking makes me lucid and wacked at the same time.

I have overcome my reliance on cigarettes. Fuck you RJ Reynolds! Focused will power is stronger than any chemical. I am just proud to be able to say it's done.

What's next on my agenda? Let's see ... hmmm .. can't cut out masturbation, that would really suck. So I guess the next thing to go for awhile shall be ... drinking.

People who know me and read that line will probably all gasp. An eerie silence around them, as they stare in wonder saying "It.. no.. is it? It can't be?!"

It is.

Fuck these silly games, right now is all about will power, self control, deeper enlightenment and higher goals. These petty tyrants which addict, destroy, and intoxicate can wait for now. I have other things to do.

I learn my lessons quickly. I adapt easily. I submit without hesitation. When it is time to stand, watch out.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Jesus Christ is my Ninja...

Just a thought.. songs are often really good ways to tell people how you feel. So, without further ado, here's a song...

Video code provided by You made me gay fucker!

The Power of the Hypocrit..

Yay! Thanks to a friend, I was able to get my english-hebrew translation completed for my next tattoo. I'm a little sketchy (could be the lack of cigarettes causing an edge still) about how it's going to come out, but I think it should be pretty cool and a bit unique.

I'm almost done the inking ... just two more things I want to get done and I'm finished. Two more major points I want to express through the pain and extacy of being perma marked.

Last night Chris and I ventured to Lizard Lounge. LL used to be a weekly Sunday night tradition for us. Going last night reminded me of why we stopped in the first place -- I hate it. In fact, I got to share that hate with some hot colt looking dude from California. It's awesome how hate can bring people together.

Anyway -- it's HOT, the music is way too loud, it smells like the Eagle meets a perfume factory, because of all the people doing their drugs -- taking a piss is a time consuming task. Other than those few things, I guess it's a wonderful place to hang out.

I prefer to just drop things over the catwalk on the people below. That always proved entertaining.

So as the annoyance of LL peaked, Chris and I took off for Secrets. A much smaller crowd and a bunch of familiar people made it more pleasant.

I need to take some time off from the constant weekend nights out. Not because of drinking too much ( you can never do that ) or the finance side of it ... but just to detach from the other unhealthy aspects. It's fun, the attention is flattering, but it's also false and fleeting.

Daily I grow more annoyed with the hidden agendas of people.

Duality is something I can relate to. If you're hard & soft, shallow & deep, serious & flighty -- I can handle that. I can even understand it. It's the people who are one thing, yet hide behind the mask of another persona that really irritate me.

If there are two things I really hate in this world .. they are Cher songs and fake people.

Living life as if time is an unlimited resource. No thought to the lack of guarantees. No plan or focus. Just playing the game and rewriting the script.

Who am I to say anything, though...

Enough Said...

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Why do you haunt me...?

Sleep... it was so welcome at 6:30 in the morning after a long, hard, throbbing night of partying in DC's seedy district. Or tawdry district, depending on who you're speaking with. ;)

I'm freaked out by the fact that I still dream about my dead boyfriend. It's the same dreams, over and over again. There is no need to go into details, other than to say the dream is depressing and annoying. I'm just amazed that my mind continues to rehash those thoughts, concerns, and fears over a year past his death.

Today was a fun day. I hung out with a new friend, went to Towson Town Center - got some Sushi (killed his stomach and made me have to shit), saw the movie RedEye (Loved the fucking movie.. pretty intense), and walked around Barnes & Noble. Was definitely an enjoyable time and I am glad I went.

I picked up two new books. Niether of them being the book I really wanted, but they both seem like they'll be interesting. One on Kabbalah (no, i am not getting into Kabbalah stuff - just something to read for the hell of it) and a fiction called "Wicked. The life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West."

I rarely ever read mindless fiction, so I'm interested to see how into it I get.

Either way, it was fun. Now it's time to shower and head out... another night on da town! Woohooo....

I don't have to justify anything..

It's been a little while since I had a night out that has me coming home at 6:30am. Whew.. I'm getting to old for these kinds of nights. Takes a toll on the old people, ya know?

My friend, Lil Chris, and I went to Secrets in DC. Our typical Saturday night hangout spot. This adventure had to be one of the more enjoyable nights there. Ran into Jeff, someone I've known and adored since I was 16, an ex-boyfriend John (not my dead John, that'd been a lil creepy), and then we made a decision that would forever change Saturday nights....

We went, next door, to HEAT...

Just imagine Three Ring Circus meets Gay Strip Club. It was fucking intense, insane, and surprisingly a lot of fun. I'd love to describe it in great detail, but it still feels so surreal .. I'm not even sure I can form a full sentence about it.

The night did pay off though as I made an excellent business contact for promotions. Not to mention, three really hot dudes all about the videos.

I have to drink some water and pass out.... just thought I'd post a lil somethin somethin.