Monday, November 06, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
So while I do not know who you are, yet, we are both rather curious to find out.
In the interim, let us get a few facts in check:
1) I don't stalk any one nor have I. Have your facts in place before you open your 'mouth.'
2) My blog isn't the entire details of my life, so you have no idea what I have or have not done for the past year.
3) You have no knowledge of our relationship, what it entailed, or what depth it may have had to it - for either of us - so you're not in position to even begin making comments.
4) We're doing pretty damn fine hanging out and riding it along to see where 'we' go from here.
...and five, if you don't like the blog - or if you're simply bitter - don't read it.
Friday, October 27, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
I don't have the motivation to go out or go anywhere. I simply work, goto the gym to run and then come home. There I sit. Maybe a run to the gas station or a quick trip to see Becca, but when all is said and done.. I'm bored.
The biggest loss in a relationship is the sense of companionship. Someone to call who knows you on a little deeper a level than your friends, someone to see and do things with on that daily basis and someone to cuddle next to at night. Those are what I am missing.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
I sincerely appreciate the kind comments that have been left throughout these posts. It has helped.
Stay tuned, because I am sure that at some point I will have news to share. Good or bad. Although I am hoping for the better of the two.
Monday, October 23, 2006
So they sit as drafts, for now.
It's been seventeen days, but why am I counting? I know there is no magic number and why do I feel so helpless?
I've had my share of short-lived relationships and I've walked away from them without any hesitation. I like them go, no big deal. So why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I so reluctant to let it go.
Funny story, the guy I was dating was dating the guy I dated before I met him... before he met me. Well that's not what makes it so funny, but it was interesting. I walked away from that without any issue.
I try to justify and understand not only myself, but him. We had this discussion once before regarding his ex-boyfriend. Everyone wants and needs closure, they need to understand when someone who they think loves them suddenly stops.
Maybe it was how we met, that makes me not want to let go. How I wanted him for so long and chance happened to allow me the opportunity and the opportunity became a relationship.
Perhaps it was how different he was from everyone else, his protective nature, how we laughed and saw humor in things that others probably wouldn't.
Or maybe it was just because he made me feel complete, cared for, loved. Not for anything other than who I am.
He doesn't understand that I still, or why I still, hurt. He doesn't seem to get the fact that I worry about him and wonder about him. He's on my mind all the time in one way or another.
If I had done something wrong, I wish he'd have simply told me. Anything would be more than nothing. Telling someone it isn't them and that you just don't want a relationship -- after telling them that is all you wanted is nothing short of a mindfuck.
As hurt as I am and as much as he does things that I know he is aware hurts me even more I cannot find it inside myself to be angry.
He acts like he hates me and I don't even know what I did. It was sudden, unexpected and nothing was pointing to anything being wrong. Nothing that would send out a red flag.
One minute he loves me, the next he is gone. So there's my confusion, stress and the reason why I don't sleep at night.
He started staying at my house so he could hold me and help me sleep. It was a sweet gesture and it turned into four months of feeling complete. Now my bed is empty and in such a sudden way... that I lay awake at night simply wondering... alone. I reach for him sometimes in the morning still, but nothing is there.
Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I should learn to just say 'fuck it" and move on, but what does that say? People can think I am stupid, they can think I am needy. I really don't care.
I know who and what I am. I know that I was genuinely happy for the first time in ten years by this one person.
And I know he's turned away.
Physical damage will heal. Scars will lessen, pain will go away. Damage to the heart, even when you've overcome it, lasts for ever.
But, I'm not angry. Love is a constant, when it's real, even when the relationship is long gone.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I think that doubt and lack of affection he needed made him turn off and that resulted in his going away.
If he only knew...
I just want to tackle him and hold him. Of course, he's kinda bigger than me so I might not win on that one, but all the same... I want to hold him. Everything inside tells me it's what we need... a few moments of quiet affection, a reminder.
He says he can't change what his mind and body feels, yet it seems almost like a struggle. One moment I see the same look in his eyes that he had when he was all about me and the next I see it turn cold and distant.
I don't believe, deep inside, that he is happy we're over and I know that he is aware I am not either.
I just wish he'd try, if not for our sake than for mine. I wouldn't even ask it or expect it if I didn't know that the love for me is there. It's been 15 days and it feels like 15 years.
Nothing should ever obligate you to a relationship, but time invested and love should obligate you to try.
Friday, October 20, 2006
I have been neurotic over the loss of my boyfriend. In some ways, losing him has had a more profound effect on me than my past boyfriend. For some reason, his walking out on me and turning his back had caused more pain than my boyfriends death in the car accident.
I guess because I finally loved someone, who really loved me back. I had a sense of complete satisfaction and happiness; I've never had that before.
Now there is something else. A new adversary, inside my body, that is causing me pain. I am scared, lonely and my emotions are upside down.
I have been fighting for my boyfriend back. I've done things that I never would have thought to do before. I have been like a stalker, trying at every turn to be involved and to stall what I saw as a threat to my chances with him. I have seen everyone as a threat to us, since he went away and now I can longer fight.
I want him to hold me. I want to cry. I need to let out all the fears I've been holding. I let it go for so long, what's inside of me, that now I am even more afraid. I guess I didn't want to believe.
I look horrible, busted and weathered. My eyes are dark. I haven't slept in the past 21 days more than a few hours a night. I need rest right now, it is a must, if I want to keep things as good as I can.
I also need to stop smoking, but I cannot foresee that happening right now. I have nothing to counter the stress. Not my boyfriend, nothing. My friends I love, but it is not the same. It is not enough right now.
I need to be held.
My mind is racing with all the worse case scenarios. Something else that is not like me; I am the optimistic one. Not today, not now. I wonder if something bad happens who will take care of the people I need to take care of? What will they do?
I feel sick inside. I can't fight anymore.
I just want to be held and made to feel secure.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Reading through those blogs, I had nothing but happy memories hit me. There was so much laughter when we were together, so much fun. It was so adorable the way his eyes would light up, his devilish smile and his way of saying "Nooooooo" -- everything about him was perfect in my eyes, he was free of defects, even though we are all defective in our own ways. It is that which makes us beautiful and allows us to grow. Perfection leaves no room for movement, but all the same, in my eyes he was and is perfect.
I read over those things and the nice things he had said about me, when he blogged as well, and I can't help but wonder if he is doing the same? Is he reading the things he wrote, thinking of the fun we had together and thinking about all the things we said? Does he ever think about me and miss me..? I can't help but wonder.
Even when I expect the opposite, my friends are supportive. Most people tell you to get over someone but I don't hear 'get over him.' I hear 'you two always looked so happy' or I hear 'I've never seen anyone make you as happy as he did.' My friends know me. While it may sound like the 'wrong advice' my friends liked us together -- they liked him for how happy he made me. They tell me to not give up, to give a little space and be a little patient. They are also kind enough to remind me to love myself...
I wonder if what he did was a form of self-defense. Maybe he was afraid of losing me or thought the way I felt was changing? Perhaps he decided to get out before I didn't want him anymore. I know I changed a bit, it wasn't him, it was just all the stress I was dealing with. I felt bad that I couldn't do for him all he did for me. I was afraid about what was happening to my mother and I was mad that my job consumed time that I could be with him. There has never been a moment when I wanted anything more than him.
I know he's been hurt before and I know he's not quick to give himself to anyone. So maybe, just like me, he was a little scared too. Maybe the same fear of losing him, that caused me to become irrational over something he did, because of past experiences ... was the same fear that caused him to break away.
It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I'd trust him with my life. I know he's a good person and I know his words mean something - even when he chooses not to show it. I was just afraid and being a little intoxicated never helps anything.
Sometimes I want to just write about the entire situation, but I don't. I respect his privacy and while the chance of someone reading this knowing him may be slim, i'd still feel wrong. This is like an awful nightmare. A horrible misunderstanding, a gross breakdown in communication. Not at all a reason to throw away the time we spent and the closeness we had.
Yet I do want to write about it. I want to write and hear someone say "hang in there!" I want to hear "if he really loves you, he'll be back," because I don't doubt for one moment that his feelings for me are the way he said. If they weren't, we wouldn't talk at all. I am pretty sure of it and while our conversations are not always the best right now -- we do still have them.
I think the most painful thing, next to not having him here with me, is how he avoids any attempts to see me. It's like hanging with me or seeing me would do something bad... or bad in his mind. That hurts, he wasn't just a boyfriend to me, he was my friend. I respect his thoughts, opinions and the comfort he gave me when things weren't too well.
And right now, I could use that comfort as I get ready to face somethings I am not too comfortable about.
Anyway, I will stop rambling now. I'll post as I'm moved, keeping an update of what happens and for better or worse -- I'll wait.
I'll wait for him and give him time to sort through whatever it is that has caused this. I believe that sometimes you have to experience the pain to reap the reward in the end. If we do make it through this, we'll be stronger for it.
If we don't... I don't know what to say. Everything about us being together was so amazing and such a rare chance -- it made it so special, so different. I don't want to think about what if we don't right now. I'll keep focused on maybe soon he'll put whatever has happened behind us and we'll try again...
At least if we fail then, the pain of an unknown is gone, because we held true to what was said to one another and gave ourselves the chance to see the possible rewards.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
How much do I love you..
The greatest act of love is freedom. The ability to give to someone you love the freedom to be away from you. The freedom to think and be without the pressue of your existance, even when it destroys you inside.
Today, through many tears, and tonight while holding them back I did just that. I gave to the person that my heart cries for the complete freedom of being away from me. I could no longer find any other way to show them the totality and true unconditional nature of what I feel for them, but to let them go.
We've all heard the cliche' that if you love something let it go and if it returns to you it was true. I never believed I would be someone to do just that.
Our conversations always went so well and our time together was rarely filled with any tension - but for the last week it had become argument upon argument. While I attempted to pull him back and he pushed away further. Had that routine continued, I know any shred of what we had would have been lost in the mix.
In some ways, I feel better despite the emptiness I can feel welling up inside. I know I will still wake up and reach for him, not finding him there. I know that I'll get lonely or have news I want to share, but I will avoid calling.
Maybe, just maybe, one day soon my phone will ring or there will be a knock on my door and it'll be his voice I hear and his face I see...
and maybe, just maybe, should that happen.... we'll lay on my bed talking, laughing, playing like we use to and I will hold him again and not let go.
Maybe... just maybe.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I have been taught many lessons throughout my life and I am thankful for what they've taught me. I've learned to find happiness in the midst of pain, to love without condition, to fight for my convictions and to never compromise my integrity. There are some things that I am sorry I never learned. The lessons that I skipped past and avoided... because I didn't want to know about how seasons change. I didn't want to learn to say good bye to the people, places and things that I loved or cherished.
Because behind the lying smile, the happy eyes and the sweet words.. behind everything that I am is a truth people don't see. They don't know the emptiness in my heart, the walls I've built to protect myself, my general dislike for people, and how few people I have loved or cared for.
Few, very few.
So when I love someone, when I open my heart and take them in -- when I believe in the words and affection that people weave into a complicated web... I don't want to say good bye; I don't want the seasons to change.
Even after summer has become winter and I find myself standing alone.
I don't want to believe that the conversations I cherished so much were words and nothing more. I don't want to believe the convictions and the feelings were simply words; a script that changed day by day.
Yet time and time again, that is where I am left. Holding onto words, feelings and memories. Pretending I don't see winter coming, pretending I can change what I can't. I never wanted to learn about good bye.
The one with the broken heart and broken pride. The one to feel empty, to feel unimportant, to be unloved.
There was a time when I was losing my faith in people and a time when my faith was renewed, but that changes too. I find my faith in people slipping away. Why must my lifestyle be one so short lived, short sighted... why are people so fast to run and hide? When they should be running to you.
I've made my mistakes, I've played the games and I've learned. I've grown. That was long ago... now everything I do comes from my heart. Every word an absolute truth and guarantee for as long as I can speak it. When I say "I love you" my whole body reacts, it's a truth to the core of me. When I say I care, nothing would take me from you. There is nothing I wouldn't do to see you smile, laugh, to see you happy.
When I love it is with all of me.
When I speak it is the deepest truth in me
When I trust you I sacrifice myself
One person, one heart... that's all I have ever wanted. Unlike so many gay people who run around in the dark, betraying the trust and love given to them, to entertain the pleasures of a simple trick. Perhaps this one will be better than the last, perhaps they'll do something or be something that my boyfriend is not... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
There is nothing admirable in that. Nothing good. We wonder why the opinion of gay people is so bad. When you live your life based upon your sex drive and not your heart, what else can you expect?
They have an arguement, they break up. They get bored, they cheat. They are hurt, they run to find comfort in another.
Instead of running back home, to the person who cares for them, to attempt to fix the holes -- to attempt to grow stronger and to know what it means to love without limits.
I never wanted to learn about good bye.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
It's 2:48am and I cannot sleep. The dog, however, who must think he's a person is sleeping peacefully in bed - under the convers with two paws on the outside. Just like a person... cute, but annoying when you can't sleep.
My mind is racing about many things. The largest portion of those thoughts I would never mention here, not the place for it. The remainder, however, work and family... those are open areas for the public arena.
I feel sorta sad inside, a little empty and a bit disappointed. Mixed with shock and the frustration of not being able to sleep. I want to sleep so bad; I am so exhausted.
il cuore causa il dolore.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Okay, perhaps a little furry and big eared for a normal kid, but a kid nonetheless. I was gifted with an adorable, little puppy named Scrappy a few weeks ago. While I first thought his addition to my home was ill-timed, with the sudden loss of my job at Jeepers when the new owners took over, I have come to the conclusion his timing couldn't have been more perfect.
While he does require a lot of attention, affection and 'No! Not on the carpet!" His being here has added to a sense of calm... it's always nice to have something that needs you and is so loving. Not to mention,
Well, not to mention needs to wait... since I just got an annoying phone call.
Will post more later.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
[ I removed the link from this - in hindsight, what I thought was funny and meaningless was probably in bad taste .. and disrespectful to the person I care about and I am left regretting it ]
Monday, July 31, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
I am expecting to be paid back at the rate of 18.9 percent interest per annum. Thank you.
I have a lot of things to say. I always have. God knows I am incredibly verbose. All the same, sometimes I wonder if I will ever have the chance to tell all the people I'd like -- all that I'd like.
I could post it here for them, but I think the chances are rather slim that they would have the chance to read it. I could possibly view it as therapy for myself, but then again that would point to much deeper issues. Those being ones I should address with myself rather than in a blog.
Blogs are nice. It's an easy journal to keep - but what is the point to placing all your personal life onto the web for anyone to read? Sometimes things are better kept inside -- or amoung close friends.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
So new update: the transition at work has begun and it will be a lot more shakey than first anticipated. I have to play the role of peacemaker between three separate individuals/companies in an attempt to secure myself, my position, without incident. So far, so good -- but I am weary as I know people tend to play dirty when they have agendas to meet.
I've been known to play dirty, also, but I like to not be that way. It's certainly in me -- just not who I choose to be. Unless thoroughly provoked. Would you like to try?
Things on the dating/boyfriend end are good. No problems there, things flow so smoothly. It is refreshing -- I guess the longer the wait, the sweeter the rewards.
All I do know is I am due for a vacation. A BIG, NICE, RELAXING vacation. I have some ideas for around Christmas. There is someplace I'd love to spend Christmas at this year -- so I am going to work on seeing that to fruition.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
It feels like I finally found the missing piece to the puzzle that's me. RaWr!
I'm excited... filled with a lot of anticipation for what is ahead.
This is a very, very good thing. That says enough for now.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I am probably one of the most holiday oriented people that I know. I love holidays... moreso the ones that involve being close to people I care about. I like that cozy, intimate feeling it brings.
The fourth of July has never been one of those holidays for me. I don't find fireworks to be all that exciting - you see some color bursting in the air once, you've seen it. So I rarely do anything for the 4th.
However, this 4th has left some lasting memories for me. While moments might have been frightening (spiders... bates motel rooms...) the rest were nothing short of endearing, funny and just a sense of comfort/happiness.
It's a bit too late (early!) to go into detail, but I am going to have to... at least the one that tells the story of the picture above. It is too funny not to, but it's going to have to wait until I wake up. :)
Monday, July 03, 2006
I've come to understand the cycle of my life. It ebs and flows .. one moment peaking, then dropping low and then peaking higher than before. This has always been the way. So, while I do not enjoy it, I have come to expect that every moment of happiness will bring with it a disappointment. Only to be followed again, later, by a deeper level of happiness.
When I was younger, I did not care. So I approached every situation without the thought of any possible disappointments and when they did occur I quickly shrugged them off. I think it is that mentality and my somewhat twisted viewpoint on things (humor..?) that has kept me going so long.
As I got older, I believe I unconsciously built a wall around myself. While I could be fun, outgoing, crazy... you name it... that's as far as you got. If someone good came along, I cut it short. I ended the situation before the situation could disappoint me. It was a crude self defense mechanism at best, but it worked as long as I could avoid the feelings of being lonely.
And I did...
I traveled, I drank, I lost myself in meaningless endevours. Then when the ability to live my 'rock star' lifestyle (as some called it)ended -- I dived into work. Work, work, work. No time for anyone, no time to feel lonely, simply no time.
I came to believe that things I wanted, I wouldn't have. So I stayed content with what I had and what I knew I could easily obtain.
You know, I really hated when people would say "you'll find someone... when you stop looking." I do not like cliches. Plus I never thought I 'looked,' I mean yea maybe I browsed.. but look? NOooooooo. Or so I thought.
Happiness unexpected, what better type could there be? I wasn't looking, I was certainly not expecting... but I think it may have found me, or me it, in a strange - unexpected - way.
Now I can't wait to explore it more, because something inside me says... that there is a lot more happiness ahead, the more I get to know.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Yet I prefer to stay true to myself and what I think or feel - even if it could be seen as questionable by others.
In the end, what do 'others' matter? Most certainly the 'others' who are not a part of your life really can't.
You never know what may be, what could be, or what can be gained unless you some times do what you some times shouldn't...
At least my heart and goals are in the right place.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Or perhaps it is simply jealousy. I would pick jealousy as the top answer.
I can see how that can work in some situations, but not when you do it to me. Nah... cause you say some he said/she said shit to me and my ass is gonna be right up on it to clear things up.
I like to know the truth and talking smack about me is a quick way to fire me up... silly fags.
Okay that's my vent --- since I was party to such a situation a few days ago. Needless to say, I did confront the horse's mouth only to find that the shit talker was - just that - full of shit. I should have expected as much. At least who I confronted took it decently... I feel kinda bad to have even brought it to their attention now.
This is just one of several reasons why I like very few 'gay' people... drama drama drama. Bitch this isn't a stage.
In a significant advance toward understanding a perplexing and painful neurological disorder, an international team of researchers has discovered gene mutations associated with an inherited chronic pain and weakness syndrome known as hereditary neuralgic amyotrophy (also called HNA). No treatment is known for this disabling condition, which short-circuits a peripheral nerve center called the brachial plexus, a network of over 100,000 nerves, that branches from the spinal cord to supply muscular function and sensation to the shoulders, arms, and hands. HNA may first appear in the childhood or teen years, and lead to recurring episodes of severe, sudden onset pain in the arms and shoulders as well as weakness, loss of sensation, and muscle wasting.
Episodes are often triggered by an infection, an immunization, childbirth, or overworking the arms and shoulders. Nerve inflammation and changes in the blood suggest that problems with the person's immune response are contributing to the episode. The on again/off again course of the condition, and the environmental triggers, are unusual among inherited nerve disorders. An associated aspect of the disorder in some individuals is facial features -- a long, slender face and narrow, close-set eyes slanting upward -- reminiscent of portraits by the early 20th-century Italian painter Modigliani, according to Phillip F. Chance, MD, professor of pediatrics and neurology at the University of Washington in Seattle, whose laboratory first located the gene for this disorder to chromosome 17 in 1996.
Twenty-seven medical scientists at universities in Germany, Belgium, the United States, Finland, and Spain conducted the research to find the specific gene responsible for HNA. The lead authors of the study, which appears in the Sept. 25 edition of Nature Genetics, include Dr. Gregor Kuhlenbaumer of the University of Munster, Dr. Vincent Timmerman of the University of Antwerp, and Dr. Mark C. Hannibal and Dr. Phillip Chance, both from the Division of Genetics and Developmental Medicine at the University of Washington.
By studying several multigenerational families who had several relatives with HNA, the researchers identified mutations in a gene named septin-9 ( known as SEPT9). Cells from a variety of life forms, ranging from yeast to fruit flies to humans, contain septins. Septins form protein filaments that provide the internal scaffolding of cells, and play key roles in the process by which cells divide. Out-of-control septins are implicated in certain abnormal cell divisions that lead to tumor formation, including breast cancer. Cells depleted of SEPT9 often fail to complete normal cell division.
HNA is the first genetic disease found to be caused by a mutation in a gene of the septin family. According to the authors of the SEPT9 gene mutations study, SEPT9 has particular structures that distinguish it from all other septins, but the significance and function of these structures is as yet unknown. Future research on the SEPT9 gene and its mutations may lead to a better understanding of the normal function of the gene and its protein products. Scientists also hope to learn how the mutated gene contributes to the development of specific facial features before birth and is later triggered to produce the nerve disorder, and why the disease goes through exacerbations and remissions. The research on the genetic mutations of SEPT9 was supported by grants from the Deutsche Forschungsgemeinschaft, the Neuropathy Association, the National Institutes of Health, the Veterans Affairs Research Fund, the University of Antwerp, the Fund for Scientific Research, the Interuniversity Attraction Poles program of the Belgian Federal Science Policy Office, and the Medical Foundation Queen Elizabeth
Okay so interest may be a matter of perception, but still...
Nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately and while my ordinary may be rather out there to a lot of people.. it's still monotanous for my ass. I semi-recently started going out again, after having been completely focused on work for a few months. I decided to ease up on that to save on the stress it was causing.
Lots and lots of stress it was causing. However, now that I no longer have a corporate office... the company president has moved back to Texas... we've been taken to court for eviction... and a potential buyer from NYC may be taking us over... I guess positive things may be on the horizon or careerbuilders.com... grrr
My GrandMother recently passed away, but at 98 years old and living in a nursing home with no quality of life -- it was probably a blessing for her. It seems she died in her sleep, so knowing she didn't suffer is comforting.
Friends are the same, guys are the same... nothing exciting to report there. Although I have been informed that I'm a 'club whore.' I won't argue that -- I know (and sometimes I do not know) how I can be when a little intoxicated -- which is usually how you will find me if I am in a gay club. Sober + gay club never works for me .. they irritate me when I am sober.
The club is a far as it goes, though. I might do a little show & tell, or a quick thirty second public display of whoreness... but that's it. Sleeping around hasn't been my thing for a long time - plus it's easier to just go home alone and jack off. At least I don't have to worry about anyone else or make waffles.
Not to say that it wouldn't be nice to have someone to go home with and lay next to while watching some Toon Disney... but I can be patient.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Things are good -- for the most part. It also seems that warmer weather brings with it a lot of people who are spawning, as I like to call it. Suddenly there are phone calls from long lost friends, ex's, etc. I'm a sentimental kind of person, so it's nice to hear a familiar voice or receive an email from someone who I haven't spoken to in forever.
So, I am happy. Even with the possible closing of my store (which means unemployed Jason) and the new financial obligations I've taken on... I am still happy, content, and even a bit excited as to how things will play out. Change has always excited me.
Change and a journey.
Speaking of journeys, I received an interesting email about my blog. The intent was nice, I am sure. I guess my writing comes across depressing. I know it can appear that way, but it is nothing more than passing thoughts, mental ramblings, or my way of looking at a situation from various points of view.
I don't tend to be very deep in person. I save that for a select few people, but when I write .. I pull a lot from what is deeper inside. I tend to ask questions that I already have my answer to. I just write to release. It's not as deep as it may appear to the person(s) who take it as a literal representation of my thoughts and feelings.
So, to set the record straight...
No, I am not sad or depressed. Lonely? Sometimes, but not often. I am certainly not pressed for any one in my life at the moment. The days of wanting someone, because they are 'someone' is well over. I'll be content allowing what happens to happen on its own. Each person an opportunity and each person a possibility, but without expectations or desires.
I've always been pretty self-maintaining. Perhaps that is why I am here, 34 years later, after all the things I've experienced. I do not break, not internally at least.
Well that is all for now... until something interesting comes along or I am on a drunken emotional rant. However, I don't go out much lately -- so drunk is a rare thing. Damnit.
Although, the offer to goto "Gay Bingo" might be some good entertainment.
Monday, May 08, 2006
I was perfect, beautiful, amazing and you were intoxicated.
Your hands slowly covered me. Your eyes filled with excitement. Your kiss deep and passionate.
My name escaped you. That's alright, I didn't make an effort to remember yours. You had to take my number, it was important for us to talk again. I already knew the truth, so what point in taking yours?
I tell myself time and time again that perhaps this one is different. Perhaps you are more. So I take another drink and for the next few hours I am yours.
Night turns to day and I awake.. silently making my way out the door. As I walk to my car I can't help but smile. I know, all too well, that you are not different...
Now it's funny, almost a game. I won't be disappointed when the phone call doesn't come - I've already anticipated the outcome.
I'm sure I will see you out again. We will exchange the 'do I know you?" look and I'll simply nod. Another notch, another conquest... what do you call them now?
It may be better this way. There is no wasted time, no one to hurt. Years won't be wasted in realizing we are not right for each other.
That is better, isn't it?
So many secrets and lies are hidden behind loving eyes, encouraging words and kind smiles.
How many tears fall when no one else is around?
When you try to be strong and in control while in the presence of others - yet inside you are suffering. Afraid. Alone.
How many chains bind you? When will you find, within yourself, the power to be free?
Not in a pill, a drink, a cigarette. Not in the acceptance of a friend, a stranger, a lover...
I know too well the pain you feel. The part we play while in public to not be vulnerable. The hurt we endure with hope for something better. Hopes that are set high .. knowing we are likely to lose.
I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.
Learn to appreciate what is lost - as much as you appreciate what you gain.
Everything with a purpose... even when we fail to realize or accept it.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Thursday, April 27, 2006
So today was a bad day. It was my 'day off' that never turns into a day off. Once again, I find myself at work dealing with issues, getting nasty phone calls from corporate and being made to feel like I should be on careerbuilders.com looking for a new job. Ya know, throw me into a store (no training on any level mind you) that is already fucked up and tell me to turn it around with no money to spend.
Well okay.. so I've spent some of their money on turning it around. It desperately needed it and everything I do improves the place. Complaints are down, sales are up... but that's not enough.
Today it is all about tokens. We had 20,000 in the store as of last month and today we have only 2,837 left. So like 16,000 tokens which equals $4,000.00 (at retail value) is missing.
I looked in my ass.. they weren't there. I haven't checked the asses of my other employees yet, but I am debating it. I even looked in my dryer and I couldn't find them there either. So I'm at a loss.
I know it looks bad. I am upset about it, too. I can't explain it and I had no idea they were gone -- even though I do know we always seem to be searching and trying to get tokens together for sale on busy Saturdays. However, that has been sorta par for the course since I arrived so I didn't put much added thought into it.
I've fired most of the poison employees and only have a few more to get rid of. I am ontop of my management staff, am re-training (yet again) my line employees, working on marketing partnerships to increase business and trying to think of a legal way to slander the rat (Chuck E.) to pull their customers into my park.... and now I have to worry about my job security over 16,000 missing tokens which is obviously an inhouse theft issue.
I need to find better employees but I am not in the best place for that. Not that where I am is exactly bad, but the mentality kinda is. Oh well... I'll figure it out somehow.
I'd much rather be in San Juan, under a palm tree drinking a margarita, while I figure it out -- but I guess that will need to wait for a bit.
Monday, April 24, 2006
A neurological disorder is causing her to waste away and her mother, now dead, is no longer there to help her. She's by herself, with no one able to care... wasting away.
And my heart aches for her. This stranger. Nothing more than a voice breaking the silence of my ride. An ability, a motion, a thought... all taken for granted.
I think back to my own fears and my own neurological issues - knowing the same can happen, but being thankful that I've been blessed enough that it hasn't. Not yet.
My mind races... what can I do? How can I help a stranger? I'm not in the position to help -- I have my own mother that relies on me and I can barely handle the weight of that.
My heart, however, doesn't let go of the emotions her voice caused me and my mind replays her voice.
I think about the 'fat girl' that everyone makes fun of. Who is laughed at and made fun of at her expense. Sometimes aware, but often not, that she is being used as a joke. I watch her laugh or shrug off the comments she's aware of -- and I wonder how often she cries when alone.
What about 'Jackie?' The homeless woman who stands outside of the nightclub, asking for someone to help her. While countless drunken idiots who, with nothing nice to say, could simply ignore her -- yet they are abrasive, combative, and demeaning.
Where does she go as they walk off with their next trick. To snort their drugs, drink their alcohol, and fuck without concern for the woman standing helpless on the corner.
Without compassion, we are nothing.
.... that should be a t-shirt for New Yorkers.
In other news, I went ahead and did it. I decided to get the Cooper. Not that any of you (whoever 'you' are) knew that I wanted one, but I did. Below is the little beast that will be terrorizing neighborhoods near you soon.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Today I was served with a 1.5 Mil lawsuit from an incident back in August of 05.
1.5 Million... um, hold on let me check my savings account... Oops! $19.95 .. I hope they want to settle for that.
So back in August around 10:30pm I was leaving my house to go visit Rebecca for a cup of coffee. As I was at the end of my road, begining to pull out onto the main road, I heard this little lawn mower sound and noticed a scooter (which wasn't there before) coming over the hill. I slammed on my breaks (not even making it off my street and onto the main road) and he, having seen me, got scared and slammed on his breaks too. This caused him to flip over the handle bars and skid down the street a bit.
I was in a panick. Cars were stopping, I called 911 (several times), called my friend who was a block away waiting on me to come, and it was pure chaos. The police came, EMTs, the works. However, the man (who appeared drunk) declined any medical service (he only had some minor cuts) and after the police talked to everyone .. the 'accident' was considered no fault and we all went on our way.
About two weeks went by and I got a letter from an attorney retained by the scooter driver demanding my insurance information. I called and told him (the attorney) 'fuck you,' I am not turning over my insurance information to someone when there was no fault involved. Go raise someone elses' premium jackass.
Now, almost a year later, I receive court papers for a trial by jury in the amount of 1.5m because..
"Defendant operated his vehicle in a negligent and careless manner by entering the intersection when it was not safe to do so then stopping in the intersection. Which caused the plaintiff to abruptly stop his vehicle to avoid the collision causing the plaintiff to fly over the handlebars of his scooter in a projectile motion."
Umm, okay, the intersection isn't on my street jackass. I am so disgusted.. it's jackasses like this which cause everyone to have insane insurance premiums and who fuck the system. More research indicates he lives in a low-income neighborhood in a 70,000.00 house... so yeah, I am sure he'd love to get some free money.
Oh well... go ahead and underestimate who you attempt to sue with incorrect claims and bullshit. I plan on riding this out... this is one time I am determined to NOT be taken advantage of by some fuck.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Where are the days of living life with reckless abandon?
Every morning a new adventure and every night another journey to take.
Perhaps it is time to pay my dues...
Or did I just take too much?
I got exactly what I asked for...
I have changed my mind.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
While not having my cell phone has created a peaceful silence ... the lack of contact with friends has not been as pleasant.
Things at work have gone from horribly stressful to being a bit more tolerable. I've been able to hire on some of the old management staff and am in the process (as of this Friday) of removing over 20 of my employees who are nothing more than a poison to my goals.
Inch by inch the park is coming together, straightening up, and taking on a more attractive look. Games are 80% operational (a huge improvement) and complaints are way down... while sales begin to rise again.
Part of me wants to sit back and feel proud of the minor accomplishment and the approval from corporate... but I am afraid that one moment of feeling proud will result in a sudden downfall of what little accomplishments I've been able to create thus far.
I seem to live and sleep work now - something very new to me. Not that I am lazy or am not interested in working, but going from almost two years of not having to work and then suddenly having to bust my ass seven days a week for sixteen + hour days... it can fuck with you.
My house is a wreck, I look older - worn, I haven't done laundry in weeks....
I think about where I was and what I was working on. The websites, the expectations, the people who knew I had something coming - who now will not see anything arrive. I toss around the ideas of putting the sites online that I had begun work on, but then I can't say my heart is with them anymore.
I'm not sure where my heart is at anymore. As grounded as I feel right now -- I feel just a little lost. A little overwhelmed and unsure.
I've lost interest in meeting people. No desire for someone in my life at the moment other than friends and family. Luckily my roommate provides me with a nice amount of platonic physical affection - it counters any feeling of lonliness I may have, when I have the time to feel lonely.
It's 5:00am ... I've been online researching and emailing about things for work. I need to sleep, so I can get up in 4 hours ... get a haircut, run to the bank, and back into work to complete paperwork that I've neglected for the week. I am not a paper pusher -- I am more creative based.
Damn the paperwork.
What I wouldn't give right now for a warm sun, a nice breeze, and a palm tree...
However, I'll settle for seeing people walk through my doors... their eyes wide and excited with parents in tow. It's amazing how life flows... it may seem that you are thrown about without any true direction or control...
but I've realized that it is not about control or even direction .. guidance is silent and surprising.
I've always wanted to touch the lives of people ... to leave a lasting mark. Now I do it daily with children and their parents. It was never how I saw that want, but it's being fulfilled all the same.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
It's almost 4am and I am not tired. Well, no, I am tired - just not in a physical sense. I think part of me is craving human contact. I get tons of human contact, mostly unwanted by ghetto fucking kids and their parents, at work -- but I need substance human contact.
It's funny.. I'm never satisfied. I bitch when my phone rings every five minutes from a different person trying to hang out or hook up, I bitch when I go out and meet people, and then I turn around and bitch that I have no contact with anyone since this job.
Okay, fine. Maybe I am not easy to satisfy. Hell, I thought I was. I am pretty damn simple after all.
I will say that I am starting to miss the traveling and nightly going out. I am begining to get that 'trapped' feeling again - which is not good - cause then I start looking for a way out or someplace to go... something to break the routine. I hate routines.
Dogs, cats, fish, and mormons have routines. I need variety and excitement.
So while I can sometimes enjoy someone strapping a collar to my neck and taking me for a walk -- I need to fly. Somewhere that has palm trees is preferred.
That's all for now -- this wasted a good three minutes. I needed something to do. I will write more when something exciting happens. ;)
Sunday, February 12, 2006
My life has been such an amazing journey. I feel peace in knowing that I have experienced it, have lived, that I've let go of the wheel and taken the ride for all it could be worth. Love, pain, happiness, loss, richness, destituteness, fears and having been fearless. To have touched the stars and fallen beneath the earth.
And yet while I ride out the journey.. while I experience the lows and highs of what life has given me and what I have taken hold of and brought from it .. I am always motivated and excited about the rebirth and the next experiences that are waiting for me.
There is no satisfaction in standing still, unless it is to catch your breath and begin to run again.
So now I look at the new journey ahead of me. The new job, the older projects on hold, and where I will end up next. Together, single, rich, poor ... here or somewhere new... it will be fun to explore.
The pages are now blank and the journey has begun again.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Last Wednesday I received a telephone call from the place where my last boyfriend was General Manager. It seems that since his death the store had taken a turn for the worse and the sales were not doing very well. The president of the company called me in to give her my 'opinions' and 'suggestions' for making the store successful again... and so I went. The place holds special meaning for me anyway.
The store was in bad shape. Obviously poor General Managers after my boyfriend. Nothing that cannot be corrected.
So we talked and talked... then she turns to the stores current district manager and says "Meet the new General Manager" and offered me a job.. at a rather impressive salary which was shocking.
So, I took it. It matters to me. Even though it is somewhat surreal and a little morbid that my dead boyfriend was GM there -- I took it to make it the way he had it. To see it bringing in 400-600k a year net profits again.
Thus the work began and I am happy to say in only one week sales are over last years. It's simple. The place isn't rocket science. It's established, profitable, and easy to work with.
This past Friday I met with the president again at another one of the stores.
We talked, went over new food samples, and just discussed where the stores had been in the formation of the company to where they are now. The company expanded too quick, acquired too much debt, and is now in a state where it needs to sell of the stores. So the stores are being sold to individuals, who are making out on the awesome concept and the fact that they are already established.
Then the next shocker hit me... she offered me to buy John's (my dead boyfriends) store. 700K financed by the company over a six year period, the other 300k down.
...yeah ummm there goes that because I think I have $93.89 in my bank account at the moment.
Potential buyers were in today... some jackass from New Jersey. I hope he hated it - I want that store fuckers.
Better me than some yahoo from NJ that knows nothing about it. Oh well.... everything for a reason. So I wonder where the reason is in all this?
I will keep going with it, to see what happens, working seven days a week to see the store succeed. The people that knew my boyfriend just stare.... I think they feel the same way I do. It's like he's walking around there again (we look a lot alike) -- it's strange and yet comforting at the same time.
The only true success in life are the positive impacts left on those you meet. Not money, not material things.. there is an impact left there and I will hopefully see to it that it remains.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
I cannot count the number of times that I've said the same thing.
What you don't hear a lot about are the guys who are raped. Straight, bi, gay .. doesn't matter. You just rarely ever hear about it. Easy answer.. male pride. How many guys want to say "some dude raped me."
I would never want to, but I have.
I wonder if the chances of being hit by lightening twice reflect at all upon the chances of being raped twice? Or maybe I just 'ask' for it.
I remember the first time vividly. I was in my early twenties spending a few weeks at my parents condo in Ocean City, Maryland. As I always do in OC, I was sitting on the boardwalk at about 2:00am on a Saturday night. That's the best time to watch the hot, fucked up dudes walking back from the bars and acting stupid (sexy).
I was sitting there, smoking and minding my own business - lost in a sea of hotness - when a short, muscular, shirtless guy in basketball shorts approached me and asked for a cigarette.
He was obviously drunk, around my own age and beyond hot. As I was giving him a cigarette I looked down and woah! The dude was standing there with a hardon pressing out the leg of his shorts. So now we have me (gay and bored) talking to a built, ripped up, hot, hard straight guy....
So, of course, the talking begins. Ask him where he was, what he was up to, and what was up with the hardon. The questions inquiring minds wanna know at 2:00am in OC.
According to his story -- his girlfriend didn't want to fuck, he did, and she tossed him out of the hotel. He was drunk, horney, and bored. We had a little in common.
Somehow the conversation ended up with him wanting to come back to my condo for a blowjob and off we went.
To make a long story short - midway thru the blowjob he decided he wanted to fuck me. I don't get fucked, just for the record. I said "Nah, that's not my thing." and he said "I wasn't asking you." After that he grabbed me, flipped me onto the couch, held me down, undressed me, and rammed his dick into my ass. His thick, huge, non lubed, non condomed dick into my ass.
Kept my head pushed down into a pillow to muffle sound and pounded away.
I fought for a bit and then just went limp. I relaxed wanting it to end and end quickly. I just lay there motionless, lifeless.
He cam (in my ass) got up, went to the refrigerator took some food and ate. While I slowly rolled to one side of the couch to begin to get up. After he ate, he came back and after patting me on the back (I guess I'm a tropper ..or maybe that is what he does to his bitchs) laid on the couch and fell asleep.
I could tell you all the things that ran through my mind, but it would take way too much time. I was afraid for my step-mother and step-sister -- what if I pissed him off or what if he simply came back, found them, and decided to do the same thing?
After what seemed like hours of deliberating I telephone two bartender friends of mine from Delaware who were big gym guys to come and remove him. I will always be grateful to both of them for their speed and determination in getting to the condo and literally picking him up and throwing him out.
It was also interesting later in that night (they decided to stay with me incase he returned) seeing the straight guy raper on the boardwalk with a group of his friends. The looks were priceless when my one friend yelled "You tell them you raped my boys ass last night faggot?"
Anyway... it was an experience I survived with little anquish. No STDs came from it, the pain went away, and I was able to place the experience away in my mind. No big deal, I guess.
Fast forward to now... this month...
Once again I hang with 90% straight guys. Most of my friends are straight and there are always those few straight dudes who are a little 'freaky.' I know a couple like that. Every now and then they want to fool around and hey ... I'm down for it. Might as well get some action somewhere.
But what do you call it when a straight dude you fool around with decides he is going to fuck you when you pass out drunk one night?
....date rape? rape? to some queen somewhere, "omg gurl that's sooooo hot!?'
No is no. The ability to not say yes is no.
Most importantly, I understand how it feels to be a girl and to hear people say "she deserved it."
Friday, January 06, 2006
You see, I've never been one to remain friends with someone that I've dated and not had it work out. I am not saying that is the best (or most mature) mentality to take, but usually if something doesn't work out there is often a 'bad' reason attached to it. So why make that a part of my life?
Mike is the first exception to that rule and the one that has made me re-evaluate my stance on X's as friends.
Even better is the enjoyment of a casual friendship. You call when something strikes you to call, you see each other when the urge arises, and there are really no expectations or obligations. If you don't talk for a week or a month - it's cool.
Yet, should you need to vent.. have a problem.. need some help -- you know they are there to have your back.
Nice, very nice.