"Time doesn't always mend a broken heart."

Friday, July 29, 2005

Flame On and Excuse me, sir?

Today (well Friday..) I was sitting around, somewhat hung over, just playing online and doing nothing productive when I got the call to go assist a friend of mine. Since this is a guy I've been seeing and someone who I enjoy being with - I jumped at the chance, got a quick shower, and was off on the mission.

After taking care of what needed to be done, he took me out for dinner. It's just a lot of fun to be with him. The conversation is always nice and fluid -- even when there is silence, it's not one of those uncomfortable kinds.

After dinnner we ended up going to the movies and watching Fantastic Four (it was my turn to pick lol). For a comic gone movie, it wasn't bad at all. Not as good as X-Men, but definitely not bad. Of course, now I see why every gay person I know says the movie is "HOT!" 24 year old Chris Evans does add a little eye candy to it and you know the producers were sure to have him as naked as possible, whenever possible. Or in an overly tight, catwoman-esque, revealing outfit. With or without him, though, the movie was fun to see.

If you want to talk about hot .. you should have seen who I was with. He's an incredibly attractive guy (inside and out), but tonight - for some reason - while we were trying to find our cars I had to just stop and look at him. Everything about him.. the way he moved, his stance, face, eyes, body... everything was so beautiful that it was breath taking. It's not as though he looked any different tonight, than other times I've seen him, but there was just something -- and that something was amazing.

Beyond that, he's just great to hang out with. No matter what my mood may be prior to seeing him, I am always left feeling happy and uplifted when it's time to say goodnight. It's just a really nice feeling.

Another thing happened on the way to the cars though, that had me wondering during my drive home. There was this woman trying to get my (or our) attention. She said "Excuse me, sir." a few times, but I was too involved in watching who I was with that I couldn't change my focus.

Now I wonder about her. Did she need something? Was she okay? Did anyone else take the time to care enough to listen to her or inquire about her needs?

I looked back at her a few times.. pausing... debating if I should go back and ask, but I didn't.

Do you remember growing up when you'd discuss future careers in school, with friends, or family? "What do you want to be when you grow up?" and you'd hear answers like "astronaut," "doctor," "fireman," "movie star." I wonder if kids now a days say things like "pornstar" or "serial killer." People would laugh at me because my answer was always that I wanted to own a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen.

People still do laugh at me when I tell them that was my aspiration. They've also laughed at me when I've had a tear or two fall when seeing a homeless person sleeping on the street. Or, better yet, when I see a really fat kid ... knowing that people probably tease them and humiliate them.

There is this 'homeless' woman named Jackie who hangs outside of Central Station (a gay bar in Baltimore MD) a lot. I wonder how many other people know or remember her name. I've watched people coming out of the bar, who she has very politely (or as polite as you can) asked for help, be rude - demeaning - and at times almost violent with her. Infact, one of those episodes had me being almost violent with the fucking queen that was talking shit to her.

I've taken the time to have her sit and talk to me. I do that with a lot of people I encounter on the street, as odd as that may sound. Yet to talk to her is enjoyable, enlightening, and sometimes inspiring. Her mind is excellent and while she may not have the best appearance -- there's a sparkle in her eyes that says a lot for who she was, is, and could be.

Now I know that there are some people asking for 'help' who are ignorant, demanding, threatening. There are probably some doing it that probably live better than most of us, off abusing the compassion of others...

Yet, I can't help but feel an empathy and deep rooted desire to help. It's like I want to lift them up, dust them off, and set them on a higher ground. I can't however, so they only get whatever I have available in my wallet at the time.

Inside though -- my heart aches and I wish I could change it or provide the resources to help them regain control over their lives.

I really can't do that, not now at least. So I do what I can. I take the time to listen, to let them know their voice matters ...

I take the time to be compassionate.

Excuse me sir?

Thursday, July 28, 2005

My life as a pornographer...

I think we all strive for that rainbow. I strive more for a bag of skittles, it tastes better. I think it does at least, I've never actually put my tongue on a rainbow of any other kind.

Nine years ago I was in a very different place than I am now. I ran an online community for adults and had several guys working for me doing live internet stripping. This was when live webcasts were new and exciting. I also produced some print material, too.

Then it happened. While visiting a local strip club in Baltimore (now long gone..) looking for new talent I ran into THE guy. The one that would become my boyfriend for seven years, even though I expected it to be forever.

Shortly after meeting him, I stopped the whole adult thing. It just isn't, in my view, something that's appropriate for a relationship. So, as quick as I started it -- i ended it and focused solely on our relationship and "normal" employment.

A few years later and rather bored, I took that adult site -- the software that powerd it and turned it around. You see, I have a rather deep desire and interest in community things and helping make positive change. So why waste good software and money invested in it? Instead, I put it to good use and made a new online community. I ran that for five years, even ended up opening a small store in a mall because of it. It had a great impact on the people it reached and was definitely (next to my boyfriend) the largest and happiest part of my life.

Then, like it seems to do, the unexpected happened. My boyfriend was killed in a car accident. Within thirty seconds my entire life changed. Without warning, preparation... so much for giving notice, eh? I found myself standing in the middle of a busy mall, on the telephone (being told of my boyfriends death - later to find out I was told 7 hours past the fact) crying, yelling, unable to stand and squatting on the floor.

I have to give props to the little girl who walked by with her family. It's amazing how little things can have a huge impact. She just casualy looked over, tilted her head and with a serious (but sad) expression said "Don't be sad, don't cry." and kept walking. I don't think that little five or eight year old girl will ever know the impact that had.

So .. that ended the five years of that business. I just couldn't cope at that point, which in hindsight I regret. Believe me, regret is a word I very seldom use.

I closed up shop, shut down the community and off I went on a journey of self healing that would see me in several different states, back and forth cross country, and over into Europe.

Now, I am here. At the end of that particular journey and at the begining of a new one. Not as lost as I was before, but not exactly sure of my direction either.

I believe life is like one of those little gyroscope etch-a-sketch kinda things. A series of various circles, interlapping, yet ever expanding... so, at this point of that circling thing, I've come full circle --

I am debating doing pornography again. The laws have changed, so it'll be more work on the record keeping end, but the money it brings would be an incredible blessing right about now. I should have been a little more thoughtful to what I was spending during the year of traveling sanity.

It sounds wonderful. I have everything I need to accomplish the task, including new talent all ready and waiting to go. The only problem now is that my values and morales have changed.

I really don't want to create porn. Not that I exactly see anything wrong with it, but it's just not what I want to have associated with me. I'd feel better if I could say I ran a homeless shelter (which I think I may have for my last roommate) rather than "I make porno."

At least with the homeless shelter I'd be doing something good and beneficial for people.

My best friend says I'm like Robin Hood and that I could use the money that porn brings me and put it to good uses. I like that way of thinking and it has crossed my mind too. I just don't know.

In the gay community it'd be warmly received. In fact, for some reason people seem to treat you like a little celebrity when they think you're involved in porn. Then again, they treat drag queens the same way -- but how would I sleep at night? Hmm.. on second thought, fuck that -- I don't sleep at night now anyway....

When the money is rolling in and my bank account is hitting the nice triple digets before the comma again.. perhaps I wouldn't care. I think I would though. Money is not everything, not to me.

Oh to have done things differently when my boyfriend died. To have been strong enough and focused enough to keep the store and site running. That's pointless discussion though, because it's done.

So now I sit at another crossroads .. more pros and cons to be weighed out. Maybe I could use porn as a way to give myself a voice. To do what I've always wanted to do --> impact people, make them think, make them react.

Hmmm.. interesting thought. It's not unlike me to shake things up and mix things together that usually wouldn't be mixed.

That could be the stepping stone.. the launch pad.. that could be what I need.

I'm just not sure.

My penis doesn't listen...

My cock is like that dude above. Agile and quick to fire off several rounds. My cock is like a cross between a Ninja (sorta HERO) and a secret agent (sorta Matrix style).

I admire my cock for those reasons. Well, I admire it for a few other reasons, too. It's friendly (for the most part), easy to look at, and plays well with other cocks -- it can even get along with an asshole or two. Much better than I can.

But ...my cock simply doesn't listen! Too damn stubborn and here I thought I was bad.

It's kinda like I was when I was 15. A rebellious, stubborn kid who is going to do simply what I want, when I want. My cock is definitely at that phase of it's life.

I tell it to get hard, it says no. I tell it to NOT get hard and it does anyway. I go to sleep, just to wake up with my hand down my pants and my cock ready to go. I swear it reachs for my hand while I am passed out.

Sometimes when I get angry.. I even choke the bitch. Slap it around a little. However, my cock must be into S&M since it simply gets hard and ends up getting off over it.

My cock is a bastard. Yet, I can't help but love it. I mean, it's part of me ya know? I even make deals with my cock -- like you do this for me and I promise I'll get you that new necklace. It doesn't always take to bribes, but sometimes it works out.

I am sure I'm not the only one with a cock that doesn't listen. Cocks can be stubborn bastards, let me tell you. Not too mention my cock is a very competitive cock. It's always trying to compare itself to the other cocks. Not a very nice habit, but what can you do? A cock will do what it wants.

Speaking of that.. my cock is calling me. I guess it wants some attention again. I'll have to write more later.


Parents! DragonBallZ is making your kids gay!

Yes, you saw right! DragonBallZ is the cause of your childrens homosexuality. Come on, am I the only person who has noticed the difference? Back in my day, when the little queeny tele-tubby was making us gay, we had a bunch of little nelly dudes running around...

...but now, now with DragonBallZ, we have all these hyper-masculine, beefed up, 8 pack dudes who are probably not even (or barely) legal looking like they are hot men in their 20s.

Even girls are getting in on the act! More endowed (aka: huge titties), older looking...

I wouldn't really know about the guys on that tip, but judging by the rest of them - probably more endowed too.

The Japanese are turning our country GAY!! They are certainly slick bastards. I'll tell ya that. It must be part of some larger world domination plot. I'll investigate that more and get back to you.

In the meantime, my story continues... so okay, I mentioned this to my best friend and she said that it's probably that people are just more intouch with their bodies now than when we were young. More intouch?! At 13 I was jacking off six times a day, if not more. I was definitely in touch.

It's just interesting, when you're an old mofo like me, to see these change in people. Perhaps it has to do with the world wide web, cable television and web cams. Look online at yahoo profiles, every third person has their penis out or their titties out! Yet the government is worried about Internet pornography. Hello. Wake up. It's not even a matter of paying or hacking into an adult site -- it's everywhere that someone has a webcam and a door that locks.

Which leads me to another side thought: There should be a webcam law. Not just ANYONE should be allowed to buy a webcam. Why is that you ask? Because, I have been violated one too many a time by clicking into someones webcam and being horrified! That's right, horrified! Sometimes you feel so dirty from just looking at the person, you wanna run and take a shower.

For the love of God, you're someones granddad! Put your clothes back on, your penis away, and for Christ sake -- move the glass with your dentures OUT OF THE LINE OF SIGHT to your cam!

Anyway.. back to my original topic and DragonBallZs subliminal effects on todays youth...

It's certainly a different world from when I was younger -- and when I try to project it ten years down the road .. even more curious and bothersome. People are growing up SO fast -- and they are growing up online and at the mercy of whatever they google across.

Let me tell you.. If >I< had children (I don't .. not that I know of at least, but there was this one 46 year old soccer mom on a train I screwed...so who knows.) the computer would be a highly monitored thing. I'd have cameras, spy software, alarms... I'd wanna know just what the hell my kid was doing online, every moment they were online.

So while new laws come and the Internet shifts and changes, we're forgetting one very important thing -- the parents behind the people who are online misbehaving.

** Sniff **

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Bye Bye!

Ahh! It is done. My roomate has moved out and begins his new journey in Seattle. Of course, all of his furniture is still in my basement, but then again, it gives the 'furnished apartment' feel.

God only knows for how long it'll be there....

It's not that I didn't like my roommate. He was definitely a sweet guy, I just think that perhaps having an intimate past might have allowed him to feel comfortable taking some things for granted. Like being neat, paying rent, ya know.. standard roommate things.

It is a dual edged sword. While I enjoy having the peace and quiet that comes with being alone, I once again am alone. Which, at night, can become a problem. It's comforting to know that there is someone else in the house, even though they're downstairs.

Another interesting thing is how quickly the word spreads that my downstairs is now vacant. I've already had a few offers from people looking for a place to live. One of them being a guy I dated very briefly. He was a bit too much drama .. kinda sorta.

I wouldn't mind having him move in. He's relatively responsible, at least he works very hard. He would certainly pay rent (or be living on the curb outside my house - no more free rides, this time.) and might be nice company.

I just don't know. Friends and ex-dates/boyyfriends may not make for good roommates. Plus, then again, I have another person running around my house when I am trying to have personal time. You know how annoying it is to be jacking off, about to bust a nut and BOOM! The door opens...

Talk about interruptions.

I also have a small issue with gay roommates. What if I bring a hot guy home? The last thing I want is him to wanna fuck my roommate or my roommate to wanna try and fuck him. Does the Ninja gotta choke a bitch?

I remember walking out of the shower when my last roommate lived here and this guy I dated (Jason) was waiting for me. I walked out and caught them in this "I wanna eat you" stare down. I was a little annoyed then, but knowing what I do now about Jason -- I would have been lucky if he would've went for my rooommate. It would have saved me a lot of wasted time, energy, and money - yes money! I am a jew, damnit!

Speaking of jews and money -- I need to check my powerball tickets... I could be a millionaire!


I could also be the Queen of England. No shit, right?

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

What's behind window #1?!?!?!

I've been told that I am not a very consistent person, or better yet, that my personalities seem to contradict themselves. This has led some people to assume that I am not particularly honest or sincere in the things I say or do.

I can't argue with them, it is true. My viewpoints are not black and white, except for a few select issues. So they are always in a constant stage of flux - things are based upon situation with me, rather than just a rock solid view.

It also means that what you get out of me one day, may change the next. Now I know this sounds like a very female type of mentality -- but trust me, I am all male. Don't you feel the testosterone throbbing through my veins as you read this?!

I'm sorta like a magic eight ball .. shake me around a little and wait for my personality to pop up. It's always a little bit of a surprise, but after you shake me enough, I am pretty simple to read.

I think it confuses people more when they try to get to know me on a dating level. To meet me out in a public setting is an entirely different energy -- I'm extremely talkative, flirtatious, out going, fun, lite-hearted, and I can pack one helluva presence (if i say so myself..).

However, get me home - or take the time to speak with me for more than 30 minutes - and you'll find that I'm incredibly deep, rather serious, sensitive (shh, don't tell anyone, you'll ruin my image), and emotional.

I guess I just blend, to an extent, with my environment. There's no point in going out and being a serious, emotional, sensitive person throwing back a Killians Draft.

I hope this doesn't put me in the same category as the people I talk about. I've always said that people should be forced to wear disclaimers. I wish my last boyfriend did, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. You know, like a little sign that reads: "Warning, every second word is a lie." or "Cannot keep dick in pants!" At least then you'd know what you were up against prior to starting.

I guess mine would read "Objects are more serious than they appear" or "Objects are larger than they appear" lol -- okay, well perhaps not the last one, but we can all have pipe dreams! ;)

I probably wouldn't even be writing this down if it weren't for the fact that it's now 9:39 and I have to keep myself awake till 11:00am to drive to the airport. I'm running out of ways to occupy myself. I've played The Sims2, made a new city in Sim City 4, and have killed many a bad guy in Xmen on my PS2 -- so now that I am out of gamer-geek mode .. I figured let me just write some more...

Lack of sleep and long drives have always been times of heavy reflection for me. This time I'm reflecting on past relationships and how my "wild & crazy" public persona has lead to disappointment in people when they got to see the more serious and indepth side of me.

A lot of people don't seem to like serious and indepth, with a twist of craziness thrown in.

Me, myself.. I like it in people. It's a nice mix. Kinda like ChexMix in a way.. a lot of different flavors. Some taste a little better than others, but overall, the entire package tastes good.

Gotta love the mind of a man without sleep.. ;)

Why can't life just be like truffles..

Rather than a box of chocolates. We all know what we do with a box of chocolates - you toss around a few, bite into a couple of them just to realize you don't like those, and then it hits you - someone has already eaten all the good ones! Damn those bastards.

I firmly believe that all our problems come from our childhood and the things we pick up from our childhood. Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, the knight in shining armor, yada yada.. it's all lies. There is no Santa, no happy egg laying bunnies, and no prince is going to come sweep you off your feet - throw you on his horse - and ride you off into ever lasting happiness.

Damn the lies! I think I should pen a book, "Honey, there is no Santa Clause!" and put things right. Let's give people a head start for the reality they're going to experience as grownups:

"He will break your heart and cheat on you," "You can't be anything you want, cause you'll always be lacking something you need to be that," "If you do become what you want, three years later you will hate it," "You'll be 22 and breastfeeding your third child barefoot infront of your single wide, not a Castle in England, and your babies daddy(s) will be in prison" you know.. let's keep it real for the kids.

I really sound bitter don't I? I'm not. Hell, I'm not even jaded. I just find it slightly amusing and entertaining the fairytales and then the harshness of reality.

Sunday was an interesting experience for me. I was having an awesome evening, when I realized I had to pull myself away to meet up with my friend Rebecca. I was supposed to go with her to Iquana Cantina so she could meet this hot dominican dude I hooked her up with. So with MUCH hesitation, I pulled myself away from what I was doing and headed back towards home.

I didn't want to pull myself away from what I was doing and I was kicking myself in the ass over it when I left. Damn the other obligations, but I am trying to get her mind off the Marine that fucked her over and she won't go out by herself. So it was a mission of necessity and I went.

Well I went a few yards until I finally got her on the phone. She was on I-95 heading to my house - crying hysterically. All I made out was "panic attack, home, ambien" and then she hung up. That was it -- I did 95mph on this little backwoods road trying to make it to the main highway and my house as quickly as possible.

When I got home I found her already in my bed, with a roll of toilet paper and silently crying. Five ambiens later (mine are only 5mg each) and a glass of wine she was finally asleep. Prior to that, we talked and it breaks my heart that she is so void and so empty over that Marine dude. That's what all this is about. The 8 months of expectations and anticipation he led her around with and then coming home to blow her off -- has just devastated her and caused her to lose grip on her inner strength and belief in herself. It'll come back, it'll just take time. In the meantime, I'll be there as always....

While she slept, I stayed awake. She wanted me to sleep with her, to keep her company, but I just couldn't. I can't lay in bed next to my best friend when I get super-turbo hardons while I sleep. That's all I need, roll over - POKE - "Oops, my bad!" Nah, I couldn't be having that.

Plus, I just had a lot on my mind. I did manage to pass out at 6:00am - only to wake up at 7:00pm! Talk about a mind fuck. My entire day had passed by. Work, obligations, 21 voice mail messages, everything! I guess my body finaly said ENOUGH! and there I lay, rip van winkle at his best.

All this lack of sleep, yet I have a bottle of Ambien sitting on my desk taunting me. Calling me.. "Jason! Take me Jason! You know you want me! You want me inside of you Jason..eat me!" -- I fight the little addictive, slick bastards. Yet, it really isn't doing much for the responsible side of my life. I need to just give in and take them.

Now it's 5:11am and here I sit. My roommate moves out today and I am supposed to take him to Dulles at 11:00am ( I fucking hate driving to Dulles ). I think he's a little mad at me, because I went downstairs and saw how horrible he (assumingly) was planning to leave it. So I left a little note telling him I'd appreciate it being as clean as it was when he arrived, when he leaves.

Now I hear him downstairs tossing things around and mumbling to himself. Oh well, he should've been here getting things together for his flight to Seattle (he's moving there) and not out drinking or whatever. My house isn't a U-STORE. He probably regrets telling me I should be more assertive and not let people walk over me.. since now I've applied that to him, as well.

I guess I won't be sleeping today until later, either. I have so many things I must get done today. So much for getting to work, it'll have to wait. Work is really fucking with my personal obligations and schedule. Don't they realize that? Sheesh!

Oh well, everything for a reason... I'm just waiting to see what this pot of gold is going to be like once I get done riding this bitchen rainbow. Surfs up!

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Two letters... one hard word

"No" has never really been an active part of my vocabulary. Although, I am going to work on that more.

It's just, I have a hard time telling people "No." - "No, I do not want to go out." "No, I do not want to take you there." "No, I can not give you money." "No, you can not take advantage of me." "No, you can not abuse my kindness" ... you get the picture.

I have a deep empathy for people. The moment someone wants or asks something of me - my mind kicks into overdrive and I begin to think "Well, if I was x needing y to get to z; How would I feel?" and then it happens ** boom ** the answer is "Yes."

Not that it can be called a fault, in theory, I think being that way is one of the nice parts to my character. However, it's easily taken advantage of and abused. I mean I allow it, since I am the one saying "Yes," but abused all the same.

I don't seem to think like a lot of people do. I don't come with hidden agendas or do things with the expectation of anything in return. I do it, simply because, I believe extending kidness to people has become a rarity. It feels good, feels right and it's just who I am.

Tonight I was given some insight into a situation that has brought about this rambling. Not that I put a lot of thought behind the 'he said, she said' shit -- People love to take things out of context and exaggerate, it seems, if it can cause drama.

I am not into drama. I just keep shit real... good or bad.

Still the insight was mind food and is worth putting some thought behind. I don't want to turn into somene cold .. not that I could, it goes against everything I believe in, but I might have to practice 'no' a bit more. Might be interesting to see who my real friends are and are not.

Thursday, July 21, 2005


I think I know everything and am fully in control. Immune to pain, peoples games, and not afraid of anything that life can bring my way.

Then something happens and my reality seems to shift. My self-defenses simply stop and leave me vulnerable and aware of a truth I try to hide and ignore.

I am not immune or in control - and the walls I've built so strong are gone .. my compass no longer there.

Does it take forever for memories to fade? Or are there feelings just to strong for time to take away?

Who would know, when they look at me, all the things I hold inside? Behind the smiles, the kind words, and my believable disguise. It's certainly not to say that I'm not real, I'm probably more real than I appear... it's just deeper down, beneath it all, I sometimes find myself lost.

I'm sure it's not uncommon and it goes about as quick as it occurs .. it's simply a spark of realization...

Za Za Zoo & The Butterfly Effect..

Isn't it amazing how one person can affect you. I was thinking about that tonight as I was trying to sleep, but couldn't. I should have, for my own benefit & my job, taken an ambien -- but I hate to medicate myself. Instead, I sat .. I thought .. I lay down .. I thought and then I got up to write here.

Hooray for blogs!

Have you ever met someone that the moment you look in their eyes your whole body just reacts? You feel shy, intriqued, excited.. It's like this one person just captures you and draws you in .. making you want to know more and more about them and just wanting to touch them, hold them...

It's a really rare feeling for me, but it's happened lately. I can't even narrow it down to one particular thing - if anything at all - it's just like a gut reaction to them and woah boy, if they smile -- it's all over. The whole body just melts and suddenly nothing else exists.

It's a nice feeling, although a little scarey at the same time. Or perhaps I am just a bit insecure. Well, yeah, I know I am... I am definitely insecure, but there is another (and much deeper) story to all of that.

So, screw the insecurities .. nothing is gained by being afraid and regardless of the outcome, I am sure it will be worth the exploration. At the very least, I've probably made an awesome friend -- at the most, my future.

So that's the Za Za Zoo .. what about the butterfly effect? I'm sure I'm not the only person that finds motivation in meeting someone that you feel good about. It's awesome.. it motivates you.. it's like that extra little 'umpf!' to make you want to do certain things and excel.

You look forward to their calls or seeing them -- so your day is filled with anticipation and excitement and those little things you know you should do (like not smoking, or being more active for yourself) seem to be more worthwhile... it's actually healthy in a way to like someone...

It's not making me sleep, just yet, but there is always ambien for that - when I choose to take it and not be a stubborn dumbass..

Tonight made me put into perspective my insecurities. I guess no one has impacted me enough to make me realize it -- but tonight I have. It's funny how one comment or question can get your mind going. I'm a little bit analytical anyway, so what do you expect?

I wasn't even going to touch on it, indepth, in this post -- but fuck it! While it's on my mind, let me get it off... so here goes:

Not that I exactly find myself attractive (I don't tend to be pulled towards guys like me), but I can't say I think I am unattractive either.. it's just that when I think someone is beautiful -- it makes me feel a little uncomfortable about how I appear to them. I guess it's that "Why do THEY like ME?!" mentality.. cause in my mind they are "Holy Fuck!" and I'm "Errr okay."

And yes, I KNOW, it is all about perception.. yada yada yada .. but perception isn't helping me when this beautiful guy is undressed beside me and I barely even want to take a shoe off!

I know what it is though, because a year ago I didn't feel that way about myself and while I know what it is -- it's not only hard to face it for myself, but it's that much harder to share with someone else..

However, the more I type, the more it seems like I am going to share it with any person who happens across my blog and that is a REALLY big thing for me. I can count on less than one hand the people that know, because it's not something I like to speak about. It's painful.. in an emotional way (well physical, too, but I'll touch on that in a moment) -- I also am a bit nervous, because I really should have told them myself (which I've decided I will now) and not be taking the chance of them seeing it here, prior to my saying it.

I need to, though.... may be it'll help me sleep....

There's this beautiful little thing that I've inherited (or so the doctors say) called neuralgic amyotrophy .. cute name, huh? I don't know if you'd call it a disorder, a disease, or a malfunction of the nervous system, but whatever you call it -- it's a bad ass mutha fucka.

How does it work, you ask? Well -- you don't see it coming, but when it does its a physical pain that I can't compare to anything else. May be if I was a women I could compare it to child birth, but I am not, so I can't... but it's a pain that makes you want to go out and beat on random people if that helps explain it.

So pain is pain, you gain a tolerance to it - or at least you'd really like to with this one - but after the pain is done is when it really gets you...

Imagine going to put two dishes in your cabinets and you can't, because you don't have the strength to lift them. Nothing like suddenly being a weak ass.

Neuralgic Amyotrophy causes your nervous system to collapse.. simply break down... and when it does your muscle tissues pretty much eat away at themselves. So not only are you weaker, but you've lost actual muscle and in some cases to the point where you can feel small 'holes' in your body where the muscle is entirely gone.

You body is pretty nifty, though, because other mucles will eventually take over for the ones that are gone -- but when you see yourself get smaller and suddenly your weak in ways that are pathetic .. it can really pack an emotional wallop on your ass.

There is no cure for it.. doctors barely understand it. It seems they just recently realized that there are two types of people who have it. It used to be diagnosed by symptoms, plus the fact that people who had it seemed to be facialy disfigured. What they realize now, is that there is another class of people (me included, it seems) who have it, without the disfigurement.


It only effects one side of your body though. Those differ between people who have it. On me, its my left side. From my neck down to my shoudler and left arm and chest, mostly... although the pain seems to have spread to my left and right uppder body. Needless to say, making me look like a wet spider monkey.

It's not constant, it comes and goes at any time. They (they always seem to know the answers to everything. God love they) say it's brought on by serious illness or extreme stress. So that would make sense that it started up shortly after my boyfriend died. I am happy to say, it stopped a couple months ago.

It really isn't a new thing, though, it just has a name now... I had this start when I was 11 years old. Doctors never had any answer for it and since I used to race dirt bikes, attributed it to a dirt bike accident. I guess my parents should have really pushed for the biopsy -- instead they just put me through tests where the doctors would stick these big ass cylinder like (and not exactly sharp electricaly charged) needles into my muscles and wiggle them around .. to see if my muscles reacted.

I don't really know if my muscles did react, I do know that my ass reacted -- you want to discuss pain? I was an 11 year old about to kick some serious ass after the third one of those tests and that was the end of those... lol ... bastards. Let me stick that shit into the doctor and see how quick he is to give the test again.

EMG.. I think it was called, I don't remember.

It was never given a proper diagnoses -- and it simply went away by the time I was 13. So while it left me kinda smaller, it really wasn't a thought on my mind. Here I was now 26/27, working out every day .. I should have known when I wasn't getting big like everyone else, but hell, I'm a little guy and I was still getting biggER and kinda ripped. So I thought all was good -- tricky, slick neurological fucker.

So that is it, that's my insecurity -- that's what I realized as I pondered it over. I feel like I'm at the mercy of something that I cannot control (capricorns love their control) and never know when it'll hit me ... and I see how it changed my body and how much it makes me unhappy when I look at myself .. and I guess I'm afraid that will carry over to whoever else is looking at me....

Stupid probably... but I guess it just takes time to become secure that it won't.

I think I've rambled enough... now I can go anticipate some more... what can I say, I'm excited.

Monday, July 18, 2005

When we expect too much from expectations...

Last night I went out with my best friend Rebecca and her friend Sherry to a couple places in Baltimore. Actually, it was a really fun night - nothing like being with two beautiful girls in a bunch of straight bars and having guys shyly asking if one or the other is your girlfriend and if so, she's really hot and you're a lucky man.

Oh if only they knew. Which of course they did know, cause I'm the first to say "Hold up tiger, I'm a cocksucker.." and watch their 'lost in the headlights' expressions.

Of course, I still want to know why the one little mexican dude kept grabbing my ass. Then again, I might not want to know. I'll try to assume he was just attempting to pat me on the back, but couldn't reach that high.

Rebecca and I are both 33 (Sherry doesn't count, she's 36, but she has a serious boyfriend) and we often sit down over coffee and discuss this going out and meeting people thing. At 33 we both feel we should be in different places. You know, the going out and partying lifestyle is for younger people. At 33 you should have a career you're happy with, a person in your life that is the one you'll be with till the end, the house, the picket fence, the dog, the saab .. you know, the nucleur family.

At least that's pretty much what society presses you to believe and makes you expect.

I might still have the person I would be with forever, but they died in a car accident a year ago after spending seven years together and Rebecca was screwed over by her Marine boyfriend shortly after he returned from Iraq. So there goes those fairytale endings, eh?

After many conversations, cups of coffee, pee breaks, and deep inner rationalizations .. I've come to believe that there really isn't any place we are 'supposed' to be - other than what makes us happy and content on a personal level. Screw TV, the media, and the happy couple that are in their 80s and been together since 6th grade. Life isn't always like that.

You could be 33, living in an apartment with your four best friends, and working a so/so job - but if you're happy that is what counts. Happiness is the one thing that outshines that big paycheck or Escalade. It's genuine, it's heartfelt and it motivates you.

It just seems people spend a lot of time rushing around trying to grab a bigger piece of everything around them, rather than looking at what they have and being content with it. I mean, I think it's good to set realistic goals and strive to something better - but not at the cost of something that is already fulfilling.

Maybe we just expect a little too much from our expectations at times...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

It ain't just for gays anymore!

Okay, I firmly believe that if men were turned into a cartoon -- that would be what the show was called. Screw pokemon ... well I'm sure if pikachu bent over, someone would plow his little electric ass.. but that's my whole point!

What is the obsession with sex? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm all about it, but I am also happy to throw in a porno and beat myself into an orgasmic frenzy. Cause I know that once I bust that nut, whatever had me so worked up - probably won't anymore. So masturbation is kind of like a safety-switch.

What I don't get is why you cannot go online without 1001 instant messages appearing with questions like "How big is your dick?" "PNP?" "Host?" "Im married and bi with 10 kids are you discret?" "top or bottom?" "you like to bb with some pnp on my pp?"

What the fuck?!

It's like people are on this constant quest to bust a nut. Whatever happened to meeting someone you like, hanging out with them and having a little more to the encounter than just some jizz and a hole?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I've had my share of trashy encounters. You know, the ones where you or the other party leaves the house doing the fuck strut or walk of shame.. okay, I'm human, but isn't there a time when you (should) grow out of that?

I don't know if the dudes at the bar hugging their boyfriends while checking someone else out or trying to suck someones dick in the bathroom while their boyfriend waits, unaware, at the bar upsets me more than the 42 year old married man with a wife and kids online trying to get a guy to blow or fuck him.....

People can say to each their own, yeah okay fine - but the shit just turns my stomach. Forget six degrees of separation we're working on more like 1 to 2 degrees of separation. Everyones sticking everyone else, who's doing someone that's did someone that's done you.... oh yeah that is just so damn hot.

You know what give me one person and I'll be content. Well, give me one monogamous person and I'll be content. Someone it can be special with and that you can explore yourself (and themselves) with. Even more so, give me someone I can walk in public with, without nine out of ten people patting me on the back saying "Good job tiger! I did em too!"

And if you want to know if "I party" -- yeah fucker, I do party, like it's 1999....

.... c'mon guys, we don't need to be obsessed for dick.. we got our own.

The power of the blog... from a Ninja perspective!

I never really saw myself as someone who would keep a blog. I mean, I post a few things here and there on my space - just some unimportant (and often alcohol inspired) ramblings - but nothing that seems of any value.

I do, however, read the blogs of a few people. Not just because I have a lot of free time on my hands, but because they either inspire, intrique or give me that za za zoo feeling. Yeah, I did just say 'za za zoo' - pretty queer, huh?

So I thought to myself, "What the fuck! I don't sleep often, I always have a lot to say about a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have a lot to say about.. why don't I start one, too!" and thus it begins...

May be reading back through them I'll gather some deeper insight into myself, perhaps some people will be entertained, or may be I'll be given a recommendation to a really good psychologist because of it.

I guess the journey is as fun as the end result....