So I was looking in the mirror the other day .. and thinking over how I've changed in the last year, almost two.
Perhaps for reasons I cannot control, but could possibly had put some effort into hindering -- I just caught myself transfixed in my reflection. Studying myself, as if overlays of previous years and months were being lifted and dropped over me.
I had a very active life when my boyfriend was alive. I worked insane hours. Often 12 at my store, then to the gym with my boyfriend for two more, than home (or out) for what quality time we could achieve together, and then onto the computer for 5 or more hours doing more work. Very structured. The routine was almost unbreakable, unless something of extreme value was going on. It was my lifestyle for almost seven years.
Then it changed. I may have enjoyed the break from the restraints of structure and routine. I partied, I traveled any place that the whim hit me to go -- many nights I found myself bored at 7pm and by 10pm I was on may way somewhere else. I shopped, I relaxed, I had 'fun.'
I used to tell my friends that it was just a process of healing. I needed the break to regroup and refocus myself. Three months in a Orlando hotel, drinking and going out .. wasn't exactly regrouping.
What I knew the entire time, behind my closed smiles and self-defenses, was that I wasn't trying to regroup or to refocus. I was trying to run. I was going anywhere and eveywhere I could possibly think of looking for a place that I felt I could belong. A place that held no memories, no past, only what I wanted to make of it.
My friends were good to me. Supportive, thoughtful, understanding. As we exchanged advice with one another. I've always been better at listening and giving -- than I have been at telling and hearing.
The mirror, however, it's impact put to shame any words of advice or thoughtful suggestions on the part of my friends. While I looked at myself, I could hear my past boyfriend speak ... the many hateful, hurtful things he'd said before. I looked and I saw that they were coming to fruition.
Enraged, sad and motivated all by an image, a thought, a memory.
So I have decided that Monday I start back with Yoga (don't laugh - it looks crazy as hell, which is why I can't do it unless it's private) and back to Golds. I avoided Golds at first because of memories and then because I didn't want to go alone. Fuck it. I can go alone, big deal. Just cause 99.6% of the people there can benchpress me with one hand doesn't matter. Not anymore, at least.
I also decided that rather than doing 24 to 36 hour days, as I do now, I will simply go ahead and take the ambien. Maybe after a few weeks of regulating my sleeping pattern it'll be normal again. You have no idea how embarassing it is when someone asks you "So when did you get up?" and you have to say "Oh, 5pm!" ... knowing that person just spent their entire day at work.
I will be back to work again, fully, before the month is over -- so I have to curb the chronic insomnia issues anyway. That'll take care of the embarassing wake up times in itself.
Smoking. Well smoking I go back and forth with. I had quit, cold turkey, prior to a surgery I had. Simply because I didn't want complicatins and I wanted to heal well. Amazing what you'll do when it's a 'pressing' issue, huh? I started again after my boyfriend passed (stress, ya know!) and since then, it has been off and on. Cut back. More intense. Stopped. A complete roller coaster. I hate it. The way it smells, the way it tastes. Right now I am doing really good and smoking very rarely - but the gym and running again will put an end to that, too.
Then there is my personal business decision. It's 90% made. My heart is held somewhere, very deeply, and I think I will go back to focusing my efforts in making a difference there. It can be my good deed or giving back to society.
So if in future posts you see me sway from the things I've said, please by all means feel free to call me on it. Lay into me. Chew me out. Sometimes it is good to have nice gentle 'yo, you're fucking it up fool!" kinda push...
Now I need to go make some plans for a weekend in the sun. I need to feel something other than the lighting in my room. It's not like there are a ton of places to go, in Maryland, by yourself to be outside.
Okay... that's all for now.
'What you didn't hope for happens more often than what you hoped for.'
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Insperata accidunt magis saipe quam quae speres!
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I guess this means you got some sleep last night, lmao.ReplyDelete
Hey Jason, Good luck trying to get your life back in order, and on that business decision you are talking about. It can be tough at times, but hang in there.ReplyDelete
It was cool to read your blogs.
I am sure your heart is right where it needs to me. Thanks for sharing your life with us.ReplyDelete