The Fool's Prayer

One day two friends were talking about their relationships and broken hearts.  The one friend said, "I pray and pray, but God never seems to answer me!  Look how #1 cheated on me and then #2 was a liar.  Why won't God send someone special and good for me into my life?" 

Having listened intently, the friend broke eye contact and looked  off into the distance where someone else walked slowly away.

Then with a deep sigh, the other friend said "It is not that God never answered you, it is that you never listened to God.  Many people have come into your life, who cared for you very much.  There was #0 who was there for you when no one else would be, but you did not see them.  There were others, too, but you were always the same - too wrapped up to see what God had sent.  Picking a trophy over a genuine heart and a moment of lust over a lifetime of happiness.  Speaking the word love as quickly as you would say 'Hello' and ending each affair at the start of another."

The one friend started to speak, but was cut off as the other friend continued, "You make love empty and meaningless when so quick to use it.  You defeat the purpose of your prayers when you cannot see with your heart.  The person who was walking away, the one you never noticed, God had sent them just for you.  You never cared to see."

Frozen

-- Originally written on September 9, 2009 and never completed or published.

"For so long you have been walking along the winding path. Through areas which you would have rather avoided, but the journey was necessary and you are hopeful that your destination will be reached soon. As day turns into night, you find yourself approaching a clearing. Before you stands a signpost with roads leading off to the North, East and West. As you try to read the old wooden sign, the words begin to blur and you are unable to focus. The light from your lantern dims and flickers in the night air, almost out of oil and you know it is not safe to be here at night. Unsure, yet determined, you head off to the West...."

I have been thinking about this post for weeks and whenever I sit down to write my mind draws a blank. There are so many thoughts to express that I find it overwhelming and end up just closing the browser and moving onto something else.

I feel frozen. Trapped. As if I am just stuck in one spot spinning my wheels and waiting for the forward momentum which doesn't come.

Lately I have spent a lot of time thinking about religion, creation, God. I have always liked discussing theology, but I believe this new 'obsession' has as much to do with my mother as it does my need for truth. I believe in God, I have no doubt about the existance and purpose of Jesus Christ, but what if we got it all wrong? What if our human interpretations of God have distorted the true message? It is unfortunate that I do not believe the truth I am seeking is something that can be given to me. I do not think there is any 'ask' and be 'answered' to these fundamental questions.

I have many reasons to believe that there is more to us than just this physical reality. I have had my share of experiences that will forever alter my belief system, but those are things I do not share on a regular basis. I am sure that many people share my experiences, but it doesn't make them any more socially acceptable. So I keep them to myself, more questions than answers.

I made it out of Kansas and have moved back to Florida. It is so nice to be back... who can resist sexy palm trees? Florida has always been the one place that makes me feel happy and energized, but this time it doesn't have that feeling. I feel troubled, just as I feel frozen, but I cannot figure out why.  I am happy to have someone special in my life, someone I can love so completely and who makes me feel whole.  Yet, something just doesn't feel right and I am afraid I do not want to know.

It's almost seven

Recently I took the time to journey back the almost seven years of my blog.  To see how I had grown and how I had not.  Revisited heart break, confusion, happiness and anger.  I read and watched the cycles repeat, as they often do.

Several months ago I grew weary of placing my life, my thoughts in the public forum.  I do that enough on FaceBook, but it wasn't that which took away my lust for writing here - it was what I saw when I went back through time.

Little had changed.

Happiness was replaced with more sorrow, love turned to bitterness and I had become complacent in my own chaos.  My goals lost their luster and my eyes their shine.

I saw in the past a keen awareness of what needed change, but change I did not make.  I guess it is true that your own advice is the hardest to take.

I watched my sense of self unfold over broken relationships and bad habits, self destructive habits, took the place of someone's fiegned 'love.'

A friend asked me recently if my last relationship really scarred me as much as it seemed.  I said 'absolutely not!"  The answer, however, was a resounding "Yes."

Time is such an invaluable gift.  We have no knowlege of how long we get to hold onto it, or if we will have the foresight to know before it is lost.  I had given up a lot of time and now I am older.  Not a curse, or a damnation, but a complication at the least.  I had focused everything: myself, time, emotion, finances and every ounce of forgiveness into what became like a black hole.  Sucking in everything it could, releasing nothing back.

Yet, still, love is an emotion stronger than hurt - at least for a time - and mine never given without being true and so I continued.  And continued.  And continued.

When there was too little left to protect me, I let go and in letting go your heart screams out for what it had found comfort in.  You see, your heart doesn't always realize or see the negative in someone or a situation.  It knows no better and it caused me incredible pain, because I had sent away what it had held so dear.

My mind, first happy in it's decision to protect my heart was left confused and shaken... because the heart, that didn't know better, broke more than it had before.

Even my body, that had felt strong began to question and asked, "Who will be there when I am weak, sick or unsure? Who now?"

Everything.  Everything had fallen apart in doubt, because the heart, that did not know any better, hurt more than it ever did.

My heart, unfortunately, never knows any better.  So it continues to hurt, to search, to seek what it lost.

My mind continues to seek distractions and ways to deceive the heart. 

My body stays quiet and timid.  Unsure of itself and of it's place.

You see, this is my journey.  My life lesson, if you will. It is the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me; nothing material - no matter how much I enjoyed or longed for it - mattered as much.  It has always been my heart that has driven.

And as I stand in the crowd, or with friends, feeling alone I ask myself, "How long can a heart that loves as much, despite how broken, survive?" 

Then I think of my mother, whose broken heart could no longer stand against the pain, the hurt and I hope "long enough to be made whole again."

Wisdom

To those that are young; listen. Listen to your father and your mother. To the people you say are 'just old and no fun," because if blessed -- those are the exact people you will become. Imagine how amazing your life could be now, if you applied twenty more years of wisdom to it today -- rather than later, after opportunity and chance has passed away.