To Shame the Devil

I am not a fan of stupid, but at least with true stupidity one can reason the lack of judgment or action.

However, I loathe feigned stupidity.

Do not warp bits and pieces of conversations to pick and choose your own message; especially when the message is crystal clear.  Nor should you expect others to forget your past, or track record, when your behavior has not changed.

You should be man, or woman, enough to take accountability for your actions, lack of actions and the choices you make without the need for excuses, lies or false apologies.

It can be said many different ways, both eloquently or harsh, but the message is the same and one most people are raised understanding: Do not say what you do not mean, do not make promises you will not keep and, more than anything, do what you say.  These are basic fundamentals.

It is heartbreaking to watch the base of mind continue their paths of self-destruction by weaving lies and facades to facilitate their needs and create opportunity.  In the end, no matter how good you cast your spell, the truth always comes out.

What, or who, will you be left with when karma comes to collect it's payment?  Thoughtlessness and games may look fun and seem easy, at first, but to each thing there is a price to be paid.

An evil soul producing holy witness is like a villain with a smiling cheek; Speak the truth and shame the devil.

Fighting Back!

I really do not make it a habit to blog about political things, but this one hits close to home and it seems is a stepping stone to taking back some control that the CRA's have over everyone.

I have seen the impact of medical debt on families and individuals who are unemployed or uninsured.  I have seen collection agency and debt ruin people.  Not luxury debt, not someone just being irresponsible, but debt incurred from an urgent need for medical care and, even with the best of intentions, the inability to repay it or repay it quickly enough.

The Medical Debt Responsibility Act of 2011 provides relief to those who pay off their debt, allowing it to be removed from their credit reports.  It is not a handout, but a necessary forgiveness.  Who can say medical debt is any indication of someone's credit trend?

So, if you're a follower of my blog or someone who just stumbled across it.. please visit the facebook page and like us.  Share it with your friends and let your local representative know you support this bill!

Thank you.

Wake me up before it's over

In my sleep you return, a ghostly memory, an apparition of what used to be or could have been.

In my dizziness you speak to me, your mouth moving quickly in black and white.  A silent film, filled with secrets and deception.  In circles we run, until the lines have blurred and the hunter pursued.

In my chaos we laugh and touch. Our smiles as wide as a Chesire's, our laughter filling the void that so many broken promises created.  A touch, once so earth shattering, feeling second hand.

What did it feel like that morning when you watched me step into the shower. When you heard me call to you and shot back a quick reply. How did it feel as you drove away, taking everything with you and leaving me behind. How did it feel watching the motel shrink in the distance? Did you ever think how it felt to stand there, calling your name and silence being the only answer. Alone in the middle of nowhere, with nothing and no one.

 As I sink into the quicksand that became the words which once gave me the ability to soar - I can hear your laughter, your sharpened words cutting deeper than any sword could.

How could I have fallen, again and again, for such a wicked Queen?  A fairy tale gone so bad with a love that won't go anywhere.

No happy endings, those were promises never meant for me.  Behind the words you poured out with such profound emotion... no more meaningful than the names you spoke, in lust filled moments, while ensuring my heart fully broken.

A wicked Queen, a fairy tale played out before me...  a broken dream.

When your mirror speaks the truth to you, when the tides set into motion return.... I'll be awoken.

The Fool's Prayer

One day two friends were talking about their relationships and broken hearts.  The one friend said, "I pray and pray, but God never seems to answer me!  Look how #1 cheated on me and then #2 was a liar.  Why won't God send someone special and good for me into my life?" 

Having listened intently, the friend broke eye contact and looked  off into the distance where someone else walked slowly away.

Then with a deep sigh, the other friend said "It is not that God never answered you, it is that you never listened to God.  Many people have come into your life, who cared for you very much.  There was #0 who was there for you when no one else would be, but you did not see them.  There were others, too, but you were always the same - too wrapped up to see what God had sent.  Picking a trophy over a genuine heart and a moment of lust over a lifetime of happiness.  Speaking the word love as quickly as you would say 'Hello' and ending each affair at the start of another."

The one friend started to speak, but was cut off as the other friend continued, "You make love empty and meaningless when so quick to use it.  You defeat the purpose of your prayers when you cannot see with your heart.  The person who was walking away, the one you never noticed, God had sent them just for you.  You never cared to see."

Frozen

-- Originally written on September 9, 2009 and never completed or published.

"For so long you have been walking along the winding path. Through areas which you would have rather avoided, but the journey was necessary and you are hopeful that your destination will be reached soon. As day turns into night, you find yourself approaching a clearing. Before you stands a signpost with roads leading off to the North, East and West. As you try to read the old wooden sign, the words begin to blur and you are unable to focus. The light from your lantern dims and flickers in the night air, almost out of oil and you know it is not safe to be here at night. Unsure, yet determined, you head off to the West...."

I have been thinking about this post for weeks and whenever I sit down to write my mind draws a blank. There are so many thoughts to express that I find it overwhelming and end up just closing the browser and moving onto something else.

I feel frozen. Trapped. As if I am just stuck in one spot spinning my wheels and waiting for the forward momentum which doesn't come.

Lately I have spent a lot of time thinking about religion, creation, God. I have always liked discussing theology, but I believe this new 'obsession' has as much to do with my mother as it does my need for truth. I believe in God, I have no doubt about the existance and purpose of Jesus Christ, but what if we got it all wrong? What if our human interpretations of God have distorted the true message? It is unfortunate that I do not believe the truth I am seeking is something that can be given to me. I do not think there is any 'ask' and be 'answered' to these fundamental questions.

I have many reasons to believe that there is more to us than just this physical reality. I have had my share of experiences that will forever alter my belief system, but those are things I do not share on a regular basis. I am sure that many people share my experiences, but it doesn't make them any more socially acceptable. So I keep them to myself, more questions than answers.

I made it out of Kansas and have moved back to Florida. It is so nice to be back... who can resist sexy palm trees? Florida has always been the one place that makes me feel happy and energized, but this time it doesn't have that feeling. I feel troubled, just as I feel frozen, but I cannot figure out why.  I am happy to have someone special in my life, someone I can love so completely and who makes me feel whole.  Yet, something just doesn't feel right and I am afraid I do not want to know.

It's almost seven

Recently I took the time to journey back the almost seven years of my blog.  To see how I had grown and how I had not.  Revisited heart break, confusion, happiness and anger.  I read and watched the cycles repeat, as they often do.

Several months ago I grew weary of placing my life, my thoughts in the public forum.  I do that enough on FaceBook, but it wasn't that which took away my lust for writing here - it was what I saw when I went back through time.

Little had changed.

Happiness was replaced with more sorrow, love turned to bitterness and I had become complacent in my own chaos.  My goals lost their luster and my eyes their shine.

I saw in the past a keen awareness of what needed change, but change I did not make.  I guess it is true that your own advice is the hardest to take.

I watched my sense of self unfold over broken relationships and bad habits, self destructive habits, took the place of someone's fiegned 'love.'

A friend asked me recently if my last relationship really scarred me as much as it seemed.  I said 'absolutely not!"  The answer, however, was a resounding "Yes."

Time is such an invaluable gift.  We have no knowlege of how long we get to hold onto it, or if we will have the foresight to know before it is lost.  I had given up a lot of time and now I am older.  Not a curse, or a damnation, but a complication at the least.  I had focused everything: myself, time, emotion, finances and every ounce of forgiveness into what became like a black hole.  Sucking in everything it could, releasing nothing back.

Yet, still, love is an emotion stronger than hurt - at least for a time - and mine never given without being true and so I continued.  And continued.  And continued.

When there was too little left to protect me, I let go and in letting go your heart screams out for what it had found comfort in.  You see, your heart doesn't always realize or see the negative in someone or a situation.  It knows no better and it caused me incredible pain, because I had sent away what it had held so dear.

My mind, first happy in it's decision to protect my heart was left confused and shaken... because the heart, that didn't know better, broke more than it had before.

Even my body, that had felt strong began to question and asked, "Who will be there when I am weak, sick or unsure? Who now?"

Everything.  Everything had fallen apart in doubt, because the heart, that did not know any better, hurt more than it ever did.

My heart, unfortunately, never knows any better.  So it continues to hurt, to search, to seek what it lost.

My mind continues to seek distractions and ways to deceive the heart. 

My body stays quiet and timid.  Unsure of itself and of it's place.

You see, this is my journey.  My life lesson, if you will. It is the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me; nothing material - no matter how much I enjoyed or longed for it - mattered as much.  It has always been my heart that has driven.

And as I stand in the crowd, or with friends, feeling alone I ask myself, "How long can a heart that loves as much, despite how broken, survive?" 

Then I think of my mother, whose broken heart could no longer stand against the pain, the hurt and I hope "long enough to be made whole again."

Wisdom

To those that are young; listen. Listen to your father and your mother. To the people you say are 'just old and no fun," because if blessed -- those are the exact people you will become. Imagine how amazing your life could be now, if you applied twenty more years of wisdom to it today -- rather than later, after opportunity and chance has passed away.

I have a life, here.

I made a prediction, you swore you would never allow to come true.

You made a promise, another commitment that you would never hold to.

The smiles and the laughter are faded images that I am not sure were ever meant for me.

Lies and deception, I held to your promises hoping they would someday come true. Always disappointed, a little heartbroken when I saw the truth.

How can you hurt someone you claim to love? How many lies can you tell? Do you rehearse the script, was there a prize you sought or was I a sport for fun?

You lied to me, to others, but what purpose does it hold? When inside of you, you know the truth regardless the facades you show.

My heart shouldn't ache, I shouldn't feel hurt, I knew all too well the secrets that you kept - but unlike you, my love is real and my promises kept without an agenda or goal.

I believed in you and now he can, too - the one you so quickly used to fill my place.

Just remember this, the heart you broke. the words you spoke and the promises you failed to keep are all in account.. a soul deep debt that is now yours to keep.

How could you hurt the one you love? The one who never stopped loving you. Why say words which were not true? When all the hurt you so freely gave out will only return to you?

Speechless.

You took away my words, when you broke my heart the way you did and I still miss you.

You stole our dreams when you played the games you did. How was I to know how fake it was, when you believed it yourself?

I still love you.

What do you do when all the hurt you cause others catches up to you?

My words, my dreams and my focus escape me.

I wouldn't change it.

Broken hurts at the start, but makes you stronger in the end and I am resilient.

Strong.

Better.

But I and D will continue to love and miss you.

The thief takes only what is given

The evil within man frightens me, but does not surprise me.

The lack of conscious and the darkness of your soul are reminders of the danger a blinded love holds.

I will survive, there is no question, but what will become of you when they find out?

How long does a lie last? Does it last longer than a memory, longer than love, longer than time? Does it linger past our last breath or is it forgotten in an anonymous, lust filled moment?

If love is nothing but a lie, will it matter after we are gone? After you have forgotten me?

If a lie is all love has been, why do I remember you? Should you forget me, remember this moment.  Remember my eyes, my mouth, my words... while you were a thief, I offered you my soul. 

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

Heart For Sale