It's not that I am a negative person, I'm really not. I am just realistic and while I have been blessed with many things that I cannot complain about - one thing has always been elusive: true happiness.
I've come to understand the cycle of my life. It ebs and flows .. one moment peaking, then dropping low and then peaking higher than before. This has always been the way. So, while I do not enjoy it, I have come to expect that every moment of happiness will bring with it a disappointment. Only to be followed again, later, by a deeper level of happiness.
When I was younger, I did not care. So I approached every situation without the thought of any possible disappointments and when they did occur I quickly shrugged them off. I think it is that mentality and my somewhat twisted viewpoint on things (humor..?) that has kept me going so long.
As I got older, I believe I unconsciously built a wall around myself. While I could be fun, outgoing, crazy... you name it... that's as far as you got. If someone good came along, I cut it short. I ended the situation before the situation could disappoint me. It was a crude self defense mechanism at best, but it worked as long as I could avoid the feelings of being lonely.
And I did...
I traveled, I drank, I lost myself in meaningless endevours. Then when the ability to live my 'rock star' lifestyle (as some called it)ended -- I dived into work. Work, work, work. No time for anyone, no time to feel lonely, simply no time.
I came to believe that things I wanted, I wouldn't have. So I stayed content with what I had and what I knew I could easily obtain.
You know, I really hated when people would say "you'll find someone... when you stop looking." I do not like cliches. Plus I never thought I 'looked,' I mean yea maybe I browsed.. but look? NOooooooo. Or so I thought.
Happiness unexpected, what better type could there be? I wasn't looking, I was certainly not expecting... but I think it may have found me, or me it, in a strange - unexpected - way.
Now I can't wait to explore it more, because something inside me says... that there is a lot more happiness ahead, the more I get to know.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
Post a Comment