Sitting at home, alone, tonight and bored I began reading through my previous blogs. Starting with 'Happiness Unexpected' which told a cryptic story of how I met my 'boyfriend.' I'll call him my boyfriend, to make it easier (on me..?). Plus, not only do I have no intentions or desires for anyone else, but in my heart he's still my D-Fix.
Reading through those blogs, I had nothing but happy memories hit me. There was so much laughter when we were together, so much fun. It was so adorable the way his eyes would light up, his devilish smile and his way of saying "Nooooooo" -- everything about him was perfect in my eyes, he was free of defects, even though we are all defective in our own ways. It is that which makes us beautiful and allows us to grow. Perfection leaves no room for movement, but all the same, in my eyes he was and is perfect.
I read over those things and the nice things he had said about me, when he blogged as well, and I can't help but wonder if he is doing the same? Is he reading the things he wrote, thinking of the fun we had together and thinking about all the things we said? Does he ever think about me and miss me..? I can't help but wonder.
Even when I expect the opposite, my friends are supportive. Most people tell you to get over someone but I don't hear 'get over him.' I hear 'you two always looked so happy' or I hear 'I've never seen anyone make you as happy as he did.' My friends know me. While it may sound like the 'wrong advice' my friends liked us together -- they liked him for how happy he made me. They tell me to not give up, to give a little space and be a little patient. They are also kind enough to remind me to love myself...
I wonder if what he did was a form of self-defense. Maybe he was afraid of losing me or thought the way I felt was changing? Perhaps he decided to get out before I didn't want him anymore. I know I changed a bit, it wasn't him, it was just all the stress I was dealing with. I felt bad that I couldn't do for him all he did for me. I was afraid about what was happening to my mother and I was mad that my job consumed time that I could be with him. There has never been a moment when I wanted anything more than him.
I know he's been hurt before and I know he's not quick to give himself to anyone. So maybe, just like me, he was a little scared too. Maybe the same fear of losing him, that caused me to become irrational over something he did, because of past experiences ... was the same fear that caused him to break away.
It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I'd trust him with my life. I know he's a good person and I know his words mean something - even when he chooses not to show it. I was just afraid and being a little intoxicated never helps anything.
Sometimes I want to just write about the entire situation, but I don't. I respect his privacy and while the chance of someone reading this knowing him may be slim, i'd still feel wrong. This is like an awful nightmare. A horrible misunderstanding, a gross breakdown in communication. Not at all a reason to throw away the time we spent and the closeness we had.
Yet I do want to write about it. I want to write and hear someone say "hang in there!" I want to hear "if he really loves you, he'll be back," because I don't doubt for one moment that his feelings for me are the way he said. If they weren't, we wouldn't talk at all. I am pretty sure of it and while our conversations are not always the best right now -- we do still have them.
I think the most painful thing, next to not having him here with me, is how he avoids any attempts to see me. It's like hanging with me or seeing me would do something bad... or bad in his mind. That hurts, he wasn't just a boyfriend to me, he was my friend. I respect his thoughts, opinions and the comfort he gave me when things weren't too well.
And right now, I could use that comfort as I get ready to face somethings I am not too comfortable about.
Anyway, I will stop rambling now. I'll post as I'm moved, keeping an update of what happens and for better or worse -- I'll wait.
I'll wait for him and give him time to sort through whatever it is that has caused this. I believe that sometimes you have to experience the pain to reap the reward in the end. If we do make it through this, we'll be stronger for it.
If we don't... I don't know what to say. Everything about us being together was so amazing and such a rare chance -- it made it so special, so different. I don't want to think about what if we don't right now. I'll keep focused on maybe soon he'll put whatever has happened behind us and we'll try again...
At least if we fail then, the pain of an unknown is gone, because we held true to what was said to one another and gave ourselves the chance to see the possible rewards.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you (part two)
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