I firmly believe that all our problems come from our childhood and the things we pick up from our childhood. Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, the knight in shining armor, yada yada.. it's all lies. There is no Santa, no happy egg laying bunnies, and no prince is going to come sweep you off your feet - throw you on his horse - and ride you off into ever lasting happiness.
Damn the lies! I think I should pen a book, "Honey, there is no Santa Clause!" and put things right. Let's give people a head start for the reality they're going to experience as grownups:
"He will break your heart and cheat on you," "You can't be anything you want, cause you'll always be lacking something you need to be that," "If you do become what you want, three years later you will hate it," "You'll be 22 and breastfeeding your third child barefoot infront of your single wide, not a Castle in England, and your babies daddy(s) will be in prison" you know.. let's keep it real for the kids.
I really sound bitter don't I? I'm not. Hell, I'm not even jaded. I just find it slightly amusing and entertaining the fairytales and then the harshness of reality.
Sunday was an interesting experience for me. I was having an awesome evening, when I realized I had to pull myself away to meet up with my friend Rebecca. I was supposed to go with her to Iquana Cantina so she could meet this hot dominican dude I hooked her up with. So with MUCH hesitation, I pulled myself away from what I was doing and headed back towards home.
I didn't want to pull myself away from what I was doing and I was kicking myself in the ass over it when I left. Damn the other obligations, but I am trying to get her mind off the Marine that fucked her over and she won't go out by herself. So it was a mission of necessity and I went.
Well I went a few yards until I finally got her on the phone. She was on I-95 heading to my house - crying hysterically. All I made out was "panic attack, home, ambien" and then she hung up. That was it -- I did 95mph on this little backwoods road trying to make it to the main highway and my house as quickly as possible.
When I got home I found her already in my bed, with a roll of toilet paper and silently crying. Five ambiens later (mine are only 5mg each) and a glass of wine she was finally asleep. Prior to that, we talked and it breaks my heart that she is so void and so empty over that Marine dude. That's what all this is about. The 8 months of expectations and anticipation he led her around with and then coming home to blow her off -- has just devastated her and caused her to lose grip on her inner strength and belief in herself. It'll come back, it'll just take time. In the meantime, I'll be there as always....
While she slept, I stayed awake. She wanted me to sleep with her, to keep her company, but I just couldn't. I can't lay in bed next to my best friend when I get super-turbo hardons while I sleep. That's all I need, roll over - POKE - "Oops, my bad!" Nah, I couldn't be having that.
Plus, I just had a lot on my mind. I did manage to pass out at 6:00am - only to wake up at 7:00pm! Talk about a mind fuck. My entire day had passed by. Work, obligations, 21 voice mail messages, everything! I guess my body finaly said ENOUGH! and there I lay, rip van winkle at his best.
All this lack of sleep, yet I have a bottle of Ambien sitting on my desk taunting me. Calling me.. "Jason! Take me Jason! You know you want me! You want me inside of you Jason..eat me!" -- I fight the little addictive, slick bastards. Yet, it really isn't doing much for the responsible side of my life. I need to just give in and take them.
Now it's 5:11am and here I sit. My roommate moves out today and I am supposed to take him to Dulles at 11:00am ( I fucking hate driving to Dulles ). I think he's a little mad at me, because I went downstairs and saw how horrible he (assumingly) was planning to leave it. So I left a little note telling him I'd appreciate it being as clean as it was when he arrived, when he leaves.
Now I hear him downstairs tossing things around and mumbling to himself. Oh well, he should've been here getting things together for his flight to Seattle (he's moving there) and not out drinking or whatever. My house isn't a U-STORE. He probably regrets telling me I should be more assertive and not let people walk over me.. since now I've applied that to him, as well.
I guess I won't be sleeping today until later, either. I have so many things I must get done today. So much for getting to work, it'll have to wait. Work is really fucking with my personal obligations and schedule. Don't they realize that? Sheesh!
Oh well, everything for a reason... I'm just waiting to see what this pot of gold is going to be like once I get done riding this bitchen rainbow. Surfs up!