Saturday, January 08, 2011
Diligo est Silens Veneratio
I feel there comes a time when disclosure, if for no other purpose than closure, becomes a necessary rite. While there is nothing to be gained, or lost, by such an idea ... it serves to seal the soul and to dispell any doubt or wonder. It is the embodiement of honor, love and when all is done: silence.
While I titled this post Sanctuary, I also want to call it "156 Friends whom I do not truly know." The meaning behind that will be known by those to whom it matters. Moreso, I understand your weakness and your strengths.
I will start this post, this last post on such matters, with this: I have loved you since the moment I saw you and even before then, when the scent of chrome filled the air... before you were even visible. I have loved you when you lied, deceived and left me broken. Indeed, I have always loved you and continue to, yet even love has its' limitations in a physical manifestation. So now, I have decided, to love you silently - from a distance - where you can no longer hurt me nor lie to me. Yet, it hurts me all the same.
Most people who read my blog or follow me on FaceBook are aware of my relationship situation. They have seen my random comments, my displeasures, my hurt and my anger. Truthfully, I regret the hateful and personal attacks I have made. I do, however, stand behind them. They were provoked and while I could have risen above, pain leaves little in the way of being a better man. It is hard for me to see (or hear) half-truths and not react. I want and will get the justice I feel is deserved for all that has been done. It is truth I want - though there may be a different side (or perception) to every story.. there is always and only one truth.
Let common sense be your guide.
I am not innocent. No one ever is. I have made decisions and done things which compromise my integrity, my better judgment and at times my own heart. Yet, I can stand fast to the fact that my world revolved around this one person entirely, without exception, until I began to learn that they were not as true to me.
From there, the more I learned of their own ill behavior, I too cheated. I became the exact thing that I hated so much in others. Until one day, when we both had a moment of clarity and all was layed out on the table. At that moment, our relationship began to feel more solid. I bent my own rules and tried my hand at a relationship which allowed moments of what I considered inappropriate behavior shielded by rules and boundaries.
It did not work. Rules were not followed and their behavior continued, without my knowledge, while I was away working. Which is fine, as I never wanted an open relationship to begin with - the thought is repulsive in any normal state of mind.
As the lies continued, I became more distant. Every lie caught was always 'the last lie,' until the next one that was unearthed and that too became 'the last lie/' It became obvious that me, our pets, our relationship and the time we had invested in each other was not more important than the random encounters and 'friends' made during a hook-up.
I have often been told, by my ex, that had I let them 'have friends' they would never have cheated. It's a concept I find funny and depressing at once. I never stopped anyone from having friends, however, you tend to go into a relationship with friends you had before -- and then you tend to make friends while IN a relationship from common acquantainces, work and so forth. NOT from online sites which are geared towards casual sexual encounters, yet that is what they chose in large amounts.
I guess had they not destroyed my faith and my ability to trust them, things wouldn't have been so harsh. They are quick to forget the cause of the things they complain about. The things they did which created those situations.
I was hopeful, when I purchased my home, that things would be better. I remember the conversation clearly: do NOT disrespect my home, trick in my home, etc. If that is the case, break up and move on.
It is, however, exactly what they did. So many people in my home, SLEEPING in my home, having sex with my boyfriend in my home and even his talking to me while his tricks were in my home. Now, the home I worked so hard for three years to accomplish disgusts me and reminds me of nothing more than my boyfriends poor choices. Thank you for ruining a happy time in my life.
What is most painful... is that they did not care anouth about me, nor themselves, to have protected sex. How would you feel if you knew your boyfriend had been barebacked by two HIV positive people, without your knowledge and then was trying to have anal sex with you when you were intoxicated.
Every day.... I have to worry and wonder what six month or a year may bring. I have gone 39 years without a single STD and now, every day, I have to worry because of a choice that I did not make.
Yet, I hear about their cries of a 'psycho' ex-boyfriend and how much they 'miss me' or are having a hard time 'getting over me.' They tell stories of how horrible I was to obtain a restraining order (yet they fail to mention how they've stalked me) and they talk of me 'jocking;' their phone -- yet they are the ones who continued to call and beg me to take them back.... while still telling lies.
They tell bits and pieces of the whole in an attempt to make people feel sorry for and provide support to them. It angers me, regardless if it should or not. Stop telling lies and focus on the truth; at least than, if nothing more, they would be respectable.
What is most sad is that despite it all.... I love them and I miss them. My dogs miss them and how it breaks my heart each time the dogs look, wait and anticipate their return. Sometimes, I do the same thing.
The truth of the matter is, when you are sorry or remorseful for something you have done that you shouldn't; you do not continue to repeat the same actions (and certainly not for years). You do not immediately run back and do the things which caused you to lose what you cared so much for and you do something to prove your intentions.
Nothing was ever done and again my heart broke.
So while stories are told as a rally cry.... I sit putting pieces back together of a life and home that is empty. I sit and try to rationalize the four empty years that I have invested in someone that treated me as nothing more than a means to an end ..... I worry about the long term impact on my health, because of them and throughout it all I miss them and still love them.
Believing in people, loving them with all of yourself and not giving up on any one is how I was raised. It is who I am. It is what I believe, even when the person who I care for throws petty slurs and comments about my family..or more directly about my deceased mother. Even still...
So, this is it. The last comment, discussion, rambling. This is all that will be said about my last relationship. It is sealed, done and yes, my heart breaks and hurts... my heart is lonely all the same. However, I have lost more important things in my life -- I can survive anything. Just as I survive daily anxiety and panic attacks from the stress that I experience every day due to this broken relationship.
So do not ask me about my ex, do not tell me about picking sides, or that he emailed you talking shit about me. I do not care. I do not care what he says, what lies or possible truths he may mention or who he makes plans with. It is no longer my concern.
The truth always comes out, in the end and does not require any other intervention. Let common sense be your guide.
I removed them for a reason and I tried again, but still I ended it.
And my heart is broken, empty, lonely....
But I was not important enough then or weeks ago. The truth remains, there was no love and that is more hurtful than anything else.
So there is no more drama, he said or she said, it is about action and common sense.
I have washed my hands of it. It hurts...... :(