I have a lot of free time at the moment. My work has slowed down, which gives me the opportunity to enjoy my new home - unfortunately it also means I don't have a paycheck. Either way, I am sure things will work out - they always seem to - so I keep on trying.
Even for a lot of free time, despite my desperate search for a local job in this shark market, I have a sense of being overwhelmed. If it isn't my anxiety, which my ex-boyfriend's lies and behavior tend to keep rather peaked, its my dogs... God love them, they are such sweethearts but the one has had to go and it breaks my heart.
I just can't manage it all alone. It's a lot of work to manage a house, a disorder, a job search and to fight with a heart that is somewhat cracked (certainly not broken) along with a steady stream of lies and promises.
There was a time when I would have taken my ex back. Despite the dirty things he has done to me throughout our relationship. From leaving me stranded in various states, using me, living off me, cheating on me, disrespecting me... I even tried the 'semi-open-relationship' route ... but that didn't work either, because he was still a whore outside of our 'rules.' Plus, that wasn't the mindset going into the relationship. It was not what I wanted and according to him (all revealed as lies now) it wasn't what he wanted either.
I forgave more than any sane person would have. I am not even certain why I did. I think it's a combination of time invested, caring for someone, being worried for them and also wanting to believe in them.
That is probably the top answer: wanting to believe. Don't we all want to believe in someone? To think that the promises and talk you hear is true ... with depth, passion and meaning? I know I did and even though I knew it wasn't, I hoped it was.
Now, even as they stalk people on my facebook (lol-pointless process nonetheless), while they immediately resort back to the same behavior that helped end our relationship, as they failed to prove themselves in any sense (even though they begged and pleaded for a chance to)... as everything negative about them is the same as it always has been and always will be... they send me texts and voice mails about how much they love me, miss me and want to be with me. It's a twisted little game; if I were able to assume they were on alcohol or drugs it would make more sense, but unfortunately that is not the case.
They expect those words will get them back where they were. I don't blame them, if I could live in someones house who is hardly ever around, pay money here and there when I can - just to have it spent back on me and turn their house into my own personal brothel.... I guess I'd miss it too above sleeping on someones sofa in the ghetto.
But love.... it's an empty word and one they are not educated about enough to say.
To add insult to injury, as well as to peak my anxiety and excite my rage, to allow a third party to disrespect me? That is where the line is drawn. You choose in life who and what matters most to you -- for many years they decided that was tricks, acquaintances and fair weathered 'friends.' -- but never me.
And although all these people existed... it was only I that was ever there for them; it was me who was important when they needed something they they or someone else couldn't provide. Still, they were never there for me. Not once in the course of our relationship, even when they could, did they ever do - give - fulfill a promise - anything.... for me. ((sigh)) hindsight is 20/20
Love is not a simple word, it is an action. Just as caring, loyalty, respect are all actions.
His words were empty and always proven to be false. It is no longer a surprise, a pain, a loss... it's a disappointment and time wasted that I can recover.
Who will show those words in action, as much as I can?
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
It's just a little bit funny...
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