I hate McDonalds, but love Monopoly.

Okay, so I enjoy a good gamble. Men, slots, Ebay and things like McDonalds Monopoly game.



I travel all over for work, so I have plenty of time to attack some unhealthy food at MissDonalds.



:D



So.. here's the deal.... if you have Boardwalk or Virginia avenue hit a man up and we'll split profits.



I tell you this, so you can eat more of the nasty shit and I can just help us share some money.



Think of all the hookers you could buy with half of a hundred grand!?!

Insomnia

I'm glad that your smile is just an image in my mind

I'm not sure it was ever meant for me

And I'm glad I'll no longer look in your eyes, for I'm afraid of what they might see.

And I'm glad that we won't talk any more, our conversations never went very well.

And you won't be the one, I'm so eager to see, when I've good news to tell.

Your hand won't be the one I hold, through the bad times and the good.

Your chance is gone to do the little things, that I've always wished you would.

Like asking how my day went, or lending me your ear. Kissing me softly, on the cheek, as you pull me near.

You don't have the chance to offer back what your actions have left out.

I see beyond the words that defined what I thought we were once all about.

So the conversations I absorbed, which always went so well

Were words to you and nothing more, but a poet could not parallel the conviction and feelings you so profoundly portrayed

And I believed, not knowing that, the script changed day by day.

Has God abandoned us?

Today my old-new-boyfriend made a comment about the existence of God. He questioned the truth behind the saying that God does not give us more than we are able to handle, because he is experiencing things that he feels are beyond his own capacity.

It reminded me of an experience I had when I was eight years old and which I probably have not remembered in over twenty years. I was outside playing at a chapel in front of my grandmother's house when I decided to wander off and walk behind some old houses. Below those houses were the roof of sheds belonging to the homes below and I walked on those sheds until my foot broke through and I found myself looking down, helpless, at how far the drop was below.

Then something strange happened: there was nothing. I remember clearly looking down and being afraid I would fall all the way through and be hurt and then I remember sitting on the grass some feet from that shed. In between I remember nothing.

I would put that aside and say that I cannot remember what happened because I was so young; if I could say that I never had any other experiences like that as I got older. There have been a few, not many, but a few which has made me view things quite differently.

Therefore, I believe that we are not given anything which we cannot handle, but I also feel that sometimes our ability to 'handle' what is given does not mean on our own. Perhaps there are times when being able to handle what has come our way requires a little bit more. Could it be that it requires us to humble ourselves, sacrifice ourselves or come together with someone else to tackle the obstacle. Couldn't that be possible?

I do not have enough faith to be an atheist, but I do have enough personal knowledge to know when the hand of God has been shown. For whatever the reason or purpose, for whatever the greater goal, I know that when the time calls for it we can be greater than our normal self.

We've been given the greatest gifts. Free will, the ability to quickly adapt, the inner knowledge of right/wrong and compassion. I am sure that I'm leaving some other excellent examples out, but those are the ones which strike home to me.

I know he can and will conquer the obstacles that lay ahead and I know that when the time comes and the purpose is right, I'll be there to help him with the ones that I've been brought into his life to assist with.

I've been given the free will to love unconditionally and the compassion to know when that time is right.

Perfection leaves no room for movement, but a worthless life does not move period.

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What is the nature of man?

"I do not understand what I do... It is no longer I myself who do it, but it is the sin living in me.... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do --- this I keep on doing..... I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me... I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin. I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." -- From a letter written by Saint Paul to the church in Rome, A.D. 57

Who am I to sit and spill my stories to an unseen audience? To weave tales of happiness, sadness, despair and loathing into stories and parables. To tell the lie that I have learned my lessons, but to continue doing the things I have done that I know I should no longer do.

I have been silent a long time, because I was caught up in traveling for work and dating someone that I met while doing so. A fascinating person, whos imperfections I found beautiful in a way that perfection could not match. Giving my heart, and myself, freely although I know that it is often with a cost not readily seen at the start.

I stayed on the same road with them, despite their wandering off. I returned to their side and followed them, in as much as a small puppy would do to someone that stopped to pet it. However, as is my experience, after their season was done for me - I returned to our place alone.

There is so much I could write and say, but I don't think I am ready yet. It would be great personal therapy to vent and try to understand -- but I guess the truth is, I've been down that same road before and I should have known better. So who am I to complain, cry or seek validation in the acceptance and sympathy of others?

Why is it that love never wins? That truth does not prevail? Why is it that you can give your heart so freely to another person and they can take of that, but they cannot correct the wrongs they've done? Or how can someone hurt the person that loves them, knowing the entire time that is what they are doing? Empty words so easily slip from the lips of others; love is such an easy word, for many, to speak.

I guess to some people it is easier to ignore the wrongs they've done and move on. That way they don't have to face them, their accuser, or correct them. I guess two people, working together, to a common goal - sharing a common love - to have something special is only in fairy tales. Or perhaps, there was really no love at all.

I think we should stop filling youth with the imagination of utopian love, happily ever after and fairy tales where good defeats evil and the nasty dragon is slayed. Then again, perhaps I am just old and bitter. Having loved people and sacrificed myself for them, time and again, to always be the one standing alone when everything is said and done.

Perhaps the true nature of man is the darkness in their hearts. The sin we keep locked up inside, while we put on our show for everyone else to see. Perhaps it is more fun to lie, cheat and be deceitful to the people around you who love you. Everything that is taboo offers more excitement, does it not? Everything you should not do, becomes that much more exciting to do.

I was proud of myself to have reached a point in my life where I was genuine. I love with all of me, I am loyal to a fault and I give of myself to those I care for before ever considering myself. Without expecting in return for anything more than the respect and love that ought be part of the relationship. Then again, perhaps that pride is the same exact darkness in my heart that makes me the same as the person who cheats, lies or hurts others.

I want to understand the true nature of man. I want to believe that genuine people do exist. People who cherish and value love and commitment and relationship. People who know how to correct their wrongs, better themselves and help better the people they are with.

Otherwise, what do we have? When our word is no longer a bond, when love is no longer something deep, special and unbreakable -- what are we left with?

Is the nature of man truly dark? I will always hope it is not.

Cunt

Fag Bitch

Ass Fucker

Faggot Pretentious

Whore

Liar Slave

It's really no fun doing a post like this after the Dixie Chicks and their freedom of speech shit. What ever happened to the Dixie Chicks? Are they even around anymore? So much for that freedom of speech, if not.

I'm just bored. Sitting here smoking and thinking about the boyfriend or somewhat boyfriend, cause that's become his new title. I've gone past the yield sign and now I'm standing at that annoying four-way stop being pissed off.

I am all about options; I love the options man. I just don't like being in the position that I'm in. How do you make a decision when you can't come to a conclusion; even when you have more than enough facts to make the walk.

It's that love bug.. I'm tellin you. That shit is hardcore. I get up, I get knocked down, I get up again and BAM!!! right back into it....

I'm just a sucker for a sexy guy with those sad eyes and a good line.

So, now I am bored and I miss the fucker. Being single has some good points to it, but nothing beats someone that knows you, has your back and that you know is going to be there for you when the lights come on.

Ya know?

Are you tall enough to ride this ride?

I've been away for some time now. Work has kept me traveling here and there and nowhere you'd really want to be. Unless you're into rednecks from BFE and there is nothing wrong with it if you are.

The knee has healed, thanks in part to my boyfriend and anal sex, but I still don't have the full kneeling action restored. I wonder if that puts my gay card in question?

Poor kitty, it's hard to change your spots. God knows I've tried and I've done very well at it, if I say so myself. My risque bar days are pretty much behind me, even though I do enjoy to go out for a drink now and then to terrorize the scene. My mouth certainly hasn't changed any nor my 'fuck it and fuck you' attitude. My depth has come closer to the surface, though and that creates a lot of change.

It also makes me more easily hurt, but if you've been reading my blog for any length of time you already know I am easy to hurt. I still give my heart totally to the person I am interested in and I still take a beating (no, not literally) before giving up and moving on.

I've always been that way; I believe loving with everything inside of you is the only way to love. I am just amazed that my heart hasn't become hard yet. Or that I haven't learned to sense the difference between someone's 'representative' and their true self.

I guess I still fall for the sales pitch. Who doesn't though, right? Even when the voices in our head are whispering no we continue to say yes. Can't blame us... everyone is seeking the person who completes us.

So where does this leave me? I am doing okay, the job keeps me busy and I am involved with someone who I am trying to believe in. Trying to make sure they can provide what the sales pitch offers.

We will see where it goes.... until then, I am alive and well.

Just a piece

I've been out on the scene since 15... You've seen me on knees in the alley and you've tasted him on my tongue. I liked the attention and I lived to always throw a curve.

I never gave a fuck; where was the next trick to make a show out of? Who would be next? Just a tool to entertain me and in turn entertain you.

You hated to like me, but you lived vicariously through me. I was everything you wanted to be - too afraid to let loose. Too worried about what people would think to say fuck it.

I've learned a lot; I learned that the more I tried to give a fuck the less reason people gave me. The more I wanted to conform, the more disgusted you made me. It amazes me how the 'gay spotlight' works... just don't give a fuck and do what you want. Take some dude outside, throw him up on a car and suck his dick outside the club. Let 'em watch... it's the spotlight.

But don't try to change your ways. Don't grow up. Don't want more. More is the illusion.

It's just part of the drama...

I smoke too many cigarettes and I think too much. Take off on a trip and drink too much. Spend too many hours wondering too many things about what it is or what could have been.

Never stop to accept regret because every action has made me who I am. I couldn't stand where I stand or be half the man I am if I hadn't been determined to pave my own path.

But I can't help to wonder just where you are - at 3am when I can't sleep. When I pace the floor fighting to contain memories.

I know I act like I simply don't care, but everyone needs a method of defense.

I wonder what its' like when the strongest people are weak. When the ones you think never cry can't stop long enough to speak. Painful moments done really quick.

I wonder why this is starting to rhyme.... I feel like fucking Dr. Suess.

Things are well -- my knee hurts like a mofo -- I am done with the broken bone shit. I guess I learned my lesson about over drinking and trying to run the acrobat style.

RaWr!

When I think of the world today...

I have learned that we are more powerful than we think.

That we can overcome pain, loss and emptiness.

I have learned that sometimes walking through hell is our only way to reach Heaven.

I have learned to have faith, even in the face of complete destruction.

Well now, that was a dick that I was surprised to be impressed by!

If you're a regular reader and haven't caught on by now - despite my being a little neurotic at times, I am also incredibly sentimental and emotional. Don't let the emotional rumor get out too much, thanks.

With all this free time on my hands to be temporarily crippled, I started wondering what happened to people I went to school with. Picking a few names of people that impacted my school years - the fag haters, studs, hos, closeted curious bisexuals - I began searching myspace and other avenues to see what has become of them.

Not surprising, but many of the sexy in highschool guys are now far from being sexy. See what cocky gets you?

What really shocked me was to find that a rather plain guy I went to school with is now a rather well known pornstar gone mainstream actor. Talk about a shock, eh? Not that I should talk, I've done my share of things - not to that level - all the same damn .. it'd been nice to know where he was going back then.

Shameless plug: Jason Schnuit. Google that one if you want to get a look at the name going from porno to popular. Might as well check now when you'll get a chance to see his package. I don't know what vitamins this boy took, but yea, he is packing a small stable. Props to you Jason - you've become sexy and you got a big dick.

Of course, it's not all about package. Unless you're just looking for a quick trick in the back of an alley, a car, a train, a church, a habitat for humanity home..... whew..... sorry I was having flashbacks.

So while I am pimping the fact that he has become sexy and his parents can be proud that he is rather well endowed -- the real purpose is to say "Good job!"

There are few things more rewarding to me than to see someone I know, or have known, be successful and achieve their mark.

Of course a nice dick doesn't hurt either. Mines still bigger, damnit!

Things we take for granted

I guess you, or I at least, don't take the time to think about how meaningful the things we are able to do on a daily basis are. We fail to see the luxury of walking, talking, running. The amazing blessing of sight or the conscious shifting effects of smell. Unless you live in a nasty city or a farm, then I don't think it's really all that conscious shifting.

Since breaking my kneecap, I've come to appreciate the ability to walk. How effortless it was to move, to run and how nice it is to be able to go wherever, whenever.

I've come quite a way. I can move without crutches now. I am still not really bending my knee - only because it's so huge and feels so tight that I am afraid when I bend it my kneecap is going to shoot out my leg like one of those flying UFO toys -- but I am walking.

I made the mistake of reading comments on the Internet from people that have had knee surgery like mine. Of course, for every five negative comments there was only one positive. Refreshing, right?

Continued pain when kneeling from the screw and wire (that might mess up the sex life just a little), knee giving out on you when walking, limited range of motion, people having surgery a year or so later to remove the screw and wire because of pain, etc.

...Sigh....

I am being positive here, though. I want full recovery. I won't mind a little bit of a gangsta lean, since that seems to be the in thing at the moment, but don't want to accept less than normal results.

While I am not a muscular person, I have always liked my legs since they managed to be muscular for some reason. Now... the brokenknee leg has lost all muscle tone. It's ugly. So I figured I would try doing some minor leg lifts to get some strength going again.

Then I found out it seems our brain shuts off connection to parts of our bodies that we don't use for awhile. This could explain stupid people. Either way, it's been depressing and a little painful (physically) as I try to change that and get my leg to raise and lower as much as possible.

I go back to work on Monday (( thank God! )) ... so I am hoping with all the travel that will be involved that this upcoming week provides some level of results.

I want to be 'normal' again!

RaWr!

Vintage

What's new and exciting in my life? Not a whole hell of a lot.

It had gotten hectic for a bit, which is why I stopped blogging as much. Plus, I had run out of the energy to type about the events that were taking place. I had to live them once; typing about them was just too much.

It still fascinates me to think that people tune-in to read about my life or my strange thoughts. This has got to be one of the higher forms of flattery.

Even I'll take a moment sometimes to re-read posts I had made before. Trying to identify my more neurotic ways so that I can correct and avoid them in the future. Seems relationships are my kryptonite.

I was doing good with that. I had focused entirely on my 'career' and setting up home in Orlando. That's when I learned a new lesson, that I should have known by now, never move or transfer anywhere without first going to check it and the people out. Lesson noted.

So with my incredible 'career' put on hold and my life in Orlando shaken up a bit, thanks to two worthless pieces of flesh, I started the 'Shit! I need to find a job super fast' job search.

Didn't work out. Damn Orlando and its' over-saturated job market.

However, I was receiving rather nice job offers back in Maryland. Go figure. Wasn't the whole point to this that I didn't want to live in Maryland to begin with? Thought so. I guess you can't tell ?destiny? to go screw itself and I took the next Auto-Train back to Maryland.

* Side note: Now if you've never traveled by train you need to. Regardless if you kick back in coach class or get a sleeper (sleepers are fun) the train is still a kick ass way to meet new people and have new experiences. It's a shame I couldn't videotape a few of those new experiences. Bottom line - travel by train at some point. It can be adventurous or romantic.

So I'm back in Maryland. Checking out the job offers (I should have never stopped making porno - life was more exciting and more simple with porno) and hanging with friends I hadn't seen in the seven months I had been gone. Wasn't too bad. While I honestly do not like Maryland as a place to live, it does have some charm.

Then BAM! on a drunken walk back to a friends apartment I got the idea that I was a Ninja and as a Ninja should be able to jump down some stairs crouching tiger, hidden dragon style.

I am NOT a Ninja.

So another lesson learned and I am in the process of nursing back a broken kneecap and getting myself able to walk again.

Yet for all of the bullshit and things that have taken place I guess there was something to come of it. I've had a lot of time to think and re-evaluate areas of myself, reconnect with people that I've misssed talking to and a new job offer which begins at the end of this month. More fitting to my passions and with a good enough salary to get me quickly back together.

I guess good things can come out of annoying situations. So, there's the update on my life. I figured it was time to put some substance in rather than just rambling off thoughts.

Inject me..... with java

I'm bored

Entertain me

Tell me where I belong at

How do I have to act to be like that

What do I have to say to be respected like that

I'm not going to play that
I don't want to be one of the pretty people
Another version of someone else
Cast from your mold
To be the toy you like

Not here to please you
Not trying to be you

Got my own way
My own thing

There's no life in being the same.

Wake me up

I've had time to sit and think. To evaluate and re-evaluate my thoughts.

I've had time to explore inward.

I've had time to open my eyes

You can go through life pretending to not notice, to not see, the pain and suffering of others. You can close your eyes and turn your head. You can close your heart and forget . You can place your hand into your pocket and ignore the damage you've done.

You can go through life pretending to be blind... or you can challenge, change and manipulate destiny.

What's it going to be?

Another suitcase

So I've purchased my auto-train ticket back to Maryland. I leave on Monday, August 13th at 4:00pm, unless something amazing happens before then. I am not expecting it to and I am not even sure I want it to.

Stay, go home, go to Miami... choices, choices, choices...

And all I wanted was to get away; it wasn't the first time. I can view this as an extended vacation, a vacation would have sufficed, but now six months later it didn't turn out so well. I'll learn, one day, to not leave behind good things and good people in search of something more. Something possibly better.

It's like porno. You watch that same porn, again and again until it just does nothing more for you. You've moved on and now you need a deeper porn to get off to. The same 'ole has become mundane... the thrill is gone.

Come to think of it, sounds like a good number of my relationships too.

I was supposed to goto Miami this month and stay with my friend Nick while I looked at possible job opportunities. He wanted me to move there and honestly Miami is sexy. A lot better than Orlando, but I don't see how it's possible. It just doesn't make sense to take what little money I have left and risk it all on a chance.

What happened to my younger adventurous cravings...

The last place I want to be, for a number of reasons, is Maryland. However there is security in being there with friends and family. Not to mention, a good number of job offers. Job offers -vs- no job offers .. doesn't sound like too hard a choice.

I'll leave Florida, I'm sure of it. Then I'll be in Maryland and sorry that I didn't stay in Florida. It's a catch-22 that I am not sure I can win on any front.

It's nice to find your place in the world. A place where you know you belong.. where you feel it and just know this is where you should be.

I guess I'm still looking for that place.

Change is coming...

It's been six months since I made the journey from Maryland to Orlando. The time has gone by so quickly; it feels like I only left yesterday.

Distance has a funny way of making you forget the things you left behind. I'm sentimental by nature, however and I find myself missing the people and places that I use to know - but it seems to last for only a moment before it's replaced by the action and challenges here.

Something in me moves me, though and it's not just the bullshit I've been dealing with at the new hotel down here. God, I miss my old hotel and the people. I feel an urge for change...a need for movement.

So, I think it's time to pack the bags again and pick another place. Somewhere new, that I've never been. I have two choices in mind, but I'll wait to see what happens (or to land there) before mentioning them.

Creativity is on overdrive -- there is so much I want to do and I know what I need .. I know what to do... now it's just a matter of focus.

Time to fight the insomnia...

Huh? What?

Gabcast! I'm a ninja damnit! #1

Who have you mistaken me for?

Some one easily broken? Lost and bewildered... roaming aimless and empty.

We are all fluid. The most beautiful imperfections ... we devour our environment.

I've wrapped around you, swallowing you... and spit you out.

Perfection tasted so bad, so stale.

Fluid... constantly moving, evolving, devouring... always within reach, but out of touch.

Been quiet for just a little long...

I've taken time away from the bloging while I prepared and executed my move to Florida. Certainly without detailed planning, but I've always been excited by the mystery of what is waiting around the next corner.

So here I am. In sunny Florida with the palm trees. It hasn't been the easiest start, but things have begun to quiet down and I have the chance to begin the plans for the next stage of my move.

I keep busy with work, planning and little trips to Tampa and Miami when I can. A little more networking, some new friendly faces and more palm trees.... I really think I picked Florida because it was the closest destination with palm trees. I'm diggin the palms.

It doesn't hurt that eight out of ten people down here are beautiful either...

I surprise myself a little though -- for how social I can be.. I've kept to myself more than anything else. Reinvention takes time and I have begun a lot of reinventing .... so I have a lot to complete. There is a peace in not knowing a ton of people, like back home and the lonliness that it sometimes brings I can easily chase away.

I'm not getting any younger though, damnit. So I am trying to make the most of my time.

Some prospects of the latino variety -- but I don't want to get focused there. Infactuations and emotions are better set aside for the time. It's easier to just flirt, laugh and disappear ... there will be time for the serious stuff later.

I am waiting to see what 'excitement' gay days will bring. I've already ran into several people from Baltimore - some old friends and I can only imagine who else I will have the pleasure of running into. I am sure the five day event will not go without some interesting story taking place.

There is one person inparticular that I hope I do run into. I've been just a little too quiet, for just a little too long.