I'm a Ninja damnit!

To Shame the Devil

2011-11-21T04:07:00.000-05:00

I am not a fan of stupid, but at least with true stupidity one can reason the lack of judgment or action.

However, I loathe feigned stupidity.

Do not warp bits and pieces of conversations to pick and choose your own message; especially when the message is crystal clear. Nor should you expect others to forget your past, or track record, when your behavior has not changed.

You should be man, or woman, enough to take accountability for your actions, lack of actions and the choices you make without the need for excuses, lies or false apologies.

It can be said many different ways, both eloquently or harsh, but the message is the same and one most people are raised understanding: Do not say what you do not mean, do not make promises you will not keep and, more than anything, do what you say. These are basic fundamentals.

It is heartbreaking to watch the base of mind continue their paths of self-destruction by weaving lies and facades to facilitate their needs and create opportunity. In the end, no matter how good you cast your spell, the truth always comes out.

What, or who, will you be left with when karma comes to collect it's payment? Thoughtlessness and games may look fun and seem easy, at first, but to each thing there is a price to be paid.

An evil soul producing holy witness is like a villain with a smiling cheek; Speak the truth and shame the devil.

Fighting Back!

2011-08-19T02:43:00.000-05:00

I really do not make it a habit to blog about political things, but this one hits close to home and it seems is a stepping stone to taking back some control that the CRA's have over everyone.

I have seen the impact of medical debt on families and individuals who are unemployed or uninsured. I have seen collection agency and debt ruin people. Not luxury debt, not someone just being irresponsible, but debt incurred from an urgent need for medical care and, even with the best of intentions, the inability to repay it or repay it quickly enough.

The Medical Debt Responsibility Act of 2011 provides relief to those who pay off their debt, allowing it to be removed from their credit reports. It is not a handout, but a necessary forgiveness. Who can say medical debt is any indication of someone's credit trend?

So, if you're a follower of my blog or someone who just stumbled across it.. please visit the facebook page and like us. Share it with your friends and let your local representative know you support this bill!

Thank you.

Wake me up before it's over

2011-07-02T03:56:00.001-05:00

In my sleep you return, a ghostly memory, an apparition of what used to be or could have been.

In my dizziness you speak to me, your mouth moving quickly in black and white. A silent film, filled with secrets and deception. In circles we run, until the lines have blurred and the hunter pursued.

In my chaos we laugh and touch. Our smiles as wide as a Chesire's, our laughter filling the void that so many broken promises created. A touch, once so earth shattering, feeling second hand.

What did it feel like that morning when you watched me step into the shower. When you heard me call to you and shot back a quick reply. How did it feel as you drove away, taking everything with you and leaving me behind. How did it feel watching the motel shrink in the distance? Did you ever think how it felt to stand there, calling your name and silence being the only answer. Alone in the middle of nowhere, with nothing and no one.

As I sink into the quicksand that became the words which once gave me the ability to soar - I can hear your laughter, your sharpened words cutting deeper than any sword could.

How could I have fallen, again and again, for such a wicked Queen? A fairy tale gone so bad with a love that won't go anywhere.

No happy endings, those were promises never meant for me. Behind the words you poured out with such profound emotion... no more meaningful than the names you spoke, in lust filled moments, while ensuring my heart fully broken.

A wicked Queen, a fairy tale played out before me... a broken dream.

When your mirror speaks the truth to you, when the tides set into motion return.... I'll be awoken.

The Fool's Prayer

2011-06-23T04:03:00.001-05:00

One day two friends were talking about their relationships and broken hearts. The one friend said, "I pray and pray, but God never seems to answer me! Look how #1 cheated on me and then #2 was a liar. Why won't God send someone special and good for me into my life?"

Having listened intently, the friend broke eye contact and looked off into the distance where someone else walked slowly away.

Then with a deep sigh, the other friend said "It is not that God never answered you, it is that you never listened to God. Many people have come into your life, who cared for you very much. There was #0 who was there for you when no one else would be, but you did not see them. There were others, too, but you were always the same - too wrapped up to see what God had sent. Picking a trophy over a genuine heart and a moment of lust over a lifetime of happiness. Speaking the word love as quickly as you would say 'Hello' and ending each affair at the start of another."

The one friend started to speak, but was cut off as the other friend continued, "You make love empty and meaningless when so quick to use it. You defeat the purpose of your prayers when you cannot see with your heart. The person who was walking away, the one you never noticed, God had sent them just for you. You never cared to see."

Frozen

2011-06-16T05:38:00.000-05:00

-- Originally written on September 9, 2009 and never completed or published.

"For so long you have been walking along the winding path. Through areas which you would have rather avoided, but the journey was necessary and you are hopeful that your destination will be reached soon. As day turns into night, you find yourself approaching a clearing. Before you stands a signpost with roads leading off to the North, East and West. As you try to read the old wooden sign, the words begin to blur and you are unable to focus. The light from your lantern dims and flickers in the night air, almost out of oil and you know it is not safe to be here at night. Unsure, yet determined, you head off to the West...."

I have been thinking about this post for weeks and whenever I sit down to write my mind draws a blank. There are so many thoughts to express that I find it overwhelming and end up just closing the browser and moving onto something else.

I feel frozen. Trapped. As if I am just stuck in one spot spinning my wheels and waiting for the forward momentum which doesn't come.

Lately I have spent a lot of time thinking about religion, creation, God. I have always liked discussing theology, but I believe this new 'obsession' has as much to do with my mother as it does my need for truth. I believe in God, I have no doubt about the existance and purpose of Jesus Christ, but what if we got it all wrong? What if our human interpretations of God have distorted the true message? It is unfortunate that I do not believe the truth I am seeking is something that can be given to me. I do not think there is any 'ask' and be 'answered' to these fundamental questions.

I have many reasons to believe that there is more to us than just this physical reality. I have had my share of experiences that will forever alter my belief system, but those are things I do not share on a regular basis. I am sure that many people share my experiences, but it doesn't make them any more socially acceptable. So I keep them to myself, more questions than answers.

I made it out of Kansas and have moved back to Florida. It is so nice to be back... who can resist sexy palm trees? Florida has always been the one place that makes me feel happy and energized, but this time it doesn't have that feeling. I feel troubled, just as I feel frozen, but I cannot figure out why. I am happy to have someone special in my life, someone I can love so completely and who makes me feel whole. Yet, something just doesn't feel right and I am afraid I do not want to know.

It's almost seven

2011-06-09T22:38:00.003-05:00

Recently I took the time to journey back the almost seven years of my blog. To see how I had grown and how I had not. Revisited heart break, confusion, happiness and anger. I read and watched the cycles repeat, as they often do.

Several months ago I grew weary of placing my life, my thoughts in the public forum. I do that enough on FaceBook, but it wasn't that which took away my lust for writing here - it was what I saw when I went back through time.

Little had changed.

Happiness was replaced with more sorrow, love turned to bitterness and I had become complacent in my own chaos. My goals lost their luster and my eyes their shine.

I saw in the past a keen awareness of what needed change, but change I did not make. I guess it is true that your own advice is the hardest to take.

I watched my sense of self unfold over broken relationships and bad habits, self destructive habits, took the place of someone's fiegned 'love.'

A friend asked me recently if my last relationship really scarred me as much as it seemed. I said 'absolutely not!" The answer, however, was a resounding "Yes."

Time is such an invaluable gift. We have no knowlege of how long we get to hold onto it, or if we will have the foresight to know before it is lost. I had given up a lot of time and now I am older. Not a curse, or a damnation, but a complication at the least. I had focused everything: myself, time, emotion, finances and every ounce of forgiveness into what became like a black hole. Sucking in everything it could, releasing nothing back.

Yet, still, love is an emotion stronger than hurt - at least for a time - and mine never given without being true and so I continued. And continued. And continued.

When there was too little left to protect me, I let go and in letting go your heart screams out for what it had found comfort in. You see, your heart doesn't always realize or see the negative in someone or a situation. It knows no better and it caused me incredible pain, because I had sent away what it had held so dear.

My mind, first happy in it's decision to protect my heart was left confused and shaken... because the heart, that didn't know better, broke more than it had before.

Even my body, that had felt strong began to question and asked, "Who will be there when I am weak, sick or unsure? Who now?"

Everything. Everything had fallen apart in doubt, because the heart, that did not know any better, hurt more than it ever did.

My heart, unfortunately, never knows any better. So it continues to hurt, to search, to seek what it lost.

My mind continues to seek distractions and ways to deceive the heart.

My body stays quiet and timid. Unsure of itself and of it's place.

You see, this is my journey. My life lesson, if you will. It is the only thing that has ever truly mattered to me; nothing material - no matter how much I enjoyed or longed for it - mattered as much. It has always been my heart that has driven.

And as I stand in the crowd, or with friends, feeling alone I ask myself, "How long can a heart that loves as much, despite how broken, survive?"

Then I think of my mother, whose broken heart could no longer stand against the pain, the hurt and I hope "long enough to be made whole again."

Wisdom

2011-06-09T22:03:00.000-05:00

To those that are young; listen. Listen to your father and your mother. To the people you say are 'just old and no fun," because if blessed -- those are the exact people you will become. Imagine how amazing your life could be now, if you applied twenty more years of wisdom to it today -- rather than later, after opportunity and chance has passed away.

I have a life, here.

2011-05-01T08:58:00.001-05:00

I made a prediction, you swore you would never allow to come true.

You made a promise, another commitment that you would never hold to.

The smiles and the laughter are faded images that I am not sure were ever meant for me.

Lies and deception, I held to your promises hoping they would someday come true. Always disappointed, a little heartbroken when I saw the truth.

How can you hurt someone you claim to love? How many lies can you tell? Do you rehearse the script, was there a prize you sought or was I a sport for fun?

You lied to me, to others, but what purpose does it hold? When inside of you, you know the truth regardless the facades you show.

My heart shouldn't ache, I shouldn't feel hurt, I knew all too well the secrets that you kept - but unlike you, my love is real and my promises kept without an agenda or goal.

I believed in you and now he can, too - the one you so quickly used to fill my place.

Just remember this, the heart you broke. the words you spoke and the promises you failed to keep are all in account.. a soul deep debt that is now yours to keep.

How could you hurt the one you love? The one who never stopped loving you. Why say words which were not true? When all the hurt you so freely gave out will only return to you?

Speechless.

2011-04-22T20:11:00.001-05:00

You took away my words, when you broke my heart the way you did and I still miss you.

You stole our dreams when you played the games you did. How was I to know how fake it was, when you believed it yourself?

I still love you.

What do you do when all the hurt you cause others catches up to you?

My words, my dreams and my focus escape me.

I wouldn't change it.

Broken hurts at the start, but makes you stronger in the end and I am resilient.

Strong.

Better.

But I and D will continue to love and miss you.

The thief takes only what is given

2011-04-04T04:05:00.000-05:00

The evil within man frightens me, but does not surprise me.

The lack of conscious and the darkness of your soul are reminders of the danger a blinded love holds.

I will survive, there is no question, but what will become of you when they find out?

How long does a lie last? Does it last longer than a memory, longer than love, longer than time? Does it linger past our last breath or is it forgotten in an anonymous, lust filled moment?

If love is nothing but a lie, will it matter after we are gone? After you have forgotten me?

If a lie is all love has been, why do I remember you? Should you forget me, remember this moment. Remember my eyes, my mouth, my words... while you were a thief, I offered you my soul.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

2011-03-26T14:57:00.000-05:00

Heart For Sale

2011-03-26T14:55:00.000-05:00

What is love

2011-03-25T11:22:00.002-05:00

I close my eyes and whisper your name. Having sprayed your cologne on my pillow, sometimes it eases the pain.

How I hate myself for loving you, knowing that I really never had you. I realize the game, I am aware of how it is played.

I can ignore the broken heart, I can distract myself with other things but I cannot erase the memories of all the places we have been.

A stab, a prick, torn apart. The memories are relentless, abusive and abrasive. Mocking me, taunting me, a reminder of all you did.

I am angry at myself, at you and at a heart that is unconditional. I am sad for you, for me, for having been defeated by my own love for someone proven unworthy.

Not the first. I know how the game is played. I am sure it will be played again. A new cast, a new script that changes day, by day.

I have seen beyond the words that defined what I thought we were once all about.

So tell me, what is love?

Peaceful Slumber

2011-03-05T16:47:00.001-05:00

I watch their faces and put stories to their lives; the nameless who pass by. Sincere and beaten smiles, those lost in their own thoughts, the angry and the sad. I watch them all, wondering where they are going and from where they came.

I catch the glances and see the eyes filled with questions. I soak in the emotion. Souls so bare and so guarded.

Often wondering why I carry the weight of nameless others. Wishing I could change the challenges and obstacles they face - in their life story that I have created. My heart breaks for the tears and frowns of strangers, for beggars and fools.

I often imagine what it will be like when the journey ends. I close my eyes and imagine emptiness, silence. I remove thoughts, emotions, dreams. I forget happiness and heartbreak.

I still don't have an answer, although every day brings us closer to the knowledge we seek - but do not want to be part of.

I guess I did not care before I was here and I likely will not care when I am gone.

A peaceful slumber.

A love Poem

2011-02-11T15:10:00.000-05:00

Let me be the one that inspires you to love, to release your fears like a prisoner set free from the chains that bind them.

My eyes, a window opening and my voice a whisper calling you forth.

Let my touch lift your consciousness - so that we may fly free of time, of body, of limitations.

Let me inspire you to love, for as long as I live, my love is already yours....

A flame lit before the begining of time, one with creation.

Even should you forget me.

I imagine love

2011-01-12T02:52:00.000-05:00

I imagine love as a dandelion. Bright and welcoming, shining with an intensity like the sun.

For a time.

As its' cycle completes and the brightness fades, a transformation takes place.

What once was love, is now many seeds or possibilities waiting to be picked and blown into the wind.

What was once love will take root and love will blossom again; for someone else to find.

Is it any more of a blessing to find one to last a lifetime? Or to be part of experiencing love through the ones we pick along our journey? Each seed holds with it new possibilities, new life, further adventures.

Does the seed remember the flower it came from? Does it ever miss it's home?

I imagine love as laughter, but see it in tears. All delicate in their own way, all as fragile as the dandelion gone to seed.

אהבתי אותך יותר מאשר האהבה עצמה

Sanctuary

2011-01-08T04:31:00.001-05:00

Diligo est Silens Veneratio

I feel there comes a time when disclosure, if for no other purpose than closure, becomes a necessary rite. While there is nothing to be gained, or lost, by such an idea ... it serves to seal the soul and to dispell any doubt or wonder. It is the embodiement of honor, love and when all is done: silence.

While I titled this post Sanctuary, I also want to call it "156 Friends whom I do not truly know." The meaning behind that will be known by those to whom it matters. Moreso, I understand your weakness and your strengths.

I will start this post, this last post on such matters, with this: I have loved you since the moment I saw you and even before then, when the scent of chrome filled the air... before you were even visible. I have loved you when you lied, deceived and left me broken. Indeed, I have always loved you and continue to, yet even love has its' limitations in a physical manifestation. So now, I have decided, to love you silently - from a distance - where you can no longer hurt me nor lie to me. Yet, it hurts me all the same.

Most people who read my blog or follow me on FaceBook are aware of my relationship situation. They have seen my random comments, my displeasures, my hurt and my anger. Truthfully, I regret the hateful and personal attacks I have made. I do, however, stand behind them. They were provoked and while I could have risen above, pain leaves little in the way of being a better man. It is hard for me to see (or hear) half-truths and not react. I want and will get the justice I feel is deserved for all that has been done. It is truth I want - though there may be a different side (or perception) to every story.. there is always and only one truth.

Let common sense be your guide.

I am not innocent. No one ever is. I have made decisions and done things which compromise my integrity, my better judgment and at times my own heart. Yet, I can stand fast to the fact that my world revolved around this one person entirely, without exception, until I began to learn that they were not as true to me.

From there, the more I learned of their own ill behavior, I too cheated. I became the exact thing that I hated so much in others. Until one day, when we both had a moment of clarity and all was layed out on the table. At that moment, our relationship began to feel more solid. I bent my own rules and tried my hand at a relationship which allowed moments of what I considered inappropriate behavior shielded by rules and boundaries.

It did not work. Rules were not followed and their behavior continued, without my knowledge, while I was away working. Which is fine, as I never wanted an open relationship to begin with - the thought is repulsive in any normal state of mind.

As the lies continued, I became more distant. Every lie caught was always 'the last lie,' until the next one that was unearthed and that too became 'the last lie/' It became obvious that me, our pets, our relationship and the time we had invested in each other was not more important than the random encounters and 'friends' made during a hook-up.

I have often been told, by my ex, that had I let them 'have friends' they would never have cheated. It's a concept I find funny and depressing at once. I never stopped anyone from having friends, however, you tend to go into a relationship with friends you had before -- and then you tend to make friends while IN a relationship from common acquantainces, work and so forth. NOT from online sites which are geared towards casual sexual encounters, yet that is what they chose in large amounts.

I guess had they not destroyed my faith and my ability to trust them, things wouldn't have been so harsh. They are quick to forget the cause of the things they complain about. The things they did which created those situations.

I was hopeful, when I purchased my home, that things would be better. I remember the conversation clearly: do NOT disrespect my home, trick in my home, etc. If that is the case, break up and move on.

It is, however, exactly what they did. So many people in my home, SLEEPING in my home, having sex with my boyfriend in my home and even his talking to me while his tricks were in my home. Now, the home I worked so hard for three years to accomplish disgusts me and reminds me of nothing more than my boyfriends poor choices. Thank you for ruining a happy time in my life.

What is most painful... is that they did not care anouth about me, nor themselves, to have protected sex. How would you feel if you knew your boyfriend had been barebacked by two HIV positive people, without your knowledge and then was trying to have anal sex with you when you were intoxicated.

Every day.... I have to worry and wonder what six month or a year may bring. I have gone 39 years without a single STD and now, every day, I have to worry because of a choice that I did not make.

Yet, I hear about their cries of a 'psycho' ex-boyfriend and how much they 'miss me' or are having a hard time 'getting over me.' They tell stories of how horrible I was to obtain a restraining order (yet they fail to mention how they've stalked me) and they talk of me 'jocking;' their phone -- yet they are the ones who continued to call and beg me to take them back.... while still telling lies.

They tell bits and pieces of the whole in an attempt to make people feel sorry for and provide support to them. It angers me, regardless if it should or not. Stop telling lies and focus on the truth; at least than, if nothing more, they would be respectable.

What is most sad is that despite it all.... I love them and I miss them. My dogs miss them and how it breaks my heart each time the dogs look, wait and anticipate their return. Sometimes, I do the same thing.

The truth of the matter is, when you are sorry or remorseful for something you have done that you shouldn't; you do not continue to repeat the same actions (and certainly not for years). You do not immediately run back and do the things which caused you to lose what you cared so much for and you do something to prove your intentions.

Nothing was ever done and again my heart broke.

So while stories are told as a rally cry.... I sit putting pieces back together of a life and home that is empty. I sit and try to rationalize the four empty years that I have invested in someone that treated me as nothing more than a means to an end ..... I worry about the long term impact on my health, because of them and throughout it all I miss them and still love them.

Believing in people, loving them with all of yourself and not giving up on any one is how I was raised. It is who I am. It is what I believe, even when the person who I care for throws petty slurs and comments about my family..or more directly about my deceased mother. Even still...

So, this is it. The last comment, discussion, rambling. This is all that will be said about my last relationship. It is sealed, done and yes, my heart breaks and hurts... my heart is lonely all the same. However, I have lost more important things in my life -- I can survive anything. Just as I survive daily anxiety and panic attacks from the stress that I experience every day due to this broken relationship.

So do not ask me about my ex, do not tell me about picking sides, or that he emailed you talking shit about me. I do not care. I do not care what he says, what lies or possible truths he may mention or who he makes plans with. It is no longer my concern.

The truth always comes out, in the end and does not require any other intervention. Let common sense be your guide.

I removed them for a reason and I tried again, but still I ended it.

And my heart is broken, empty, lonely....

But I was not important enough then or weeks ago. The truth remains, there was no love and that is more hurtful than anything else.

So there is no more drama, he said or she said, it is about action and common sense.

I have washed my hands of it. It hurts...... :(

It's just a little bit funny...

2011-01-05T12:58:00.004-05:00

I have a lot of free time at the moment. My work has slowed down, which gives me the opportunity to enjoy my new home - unfortunately it also means I don't have a paycheck. Either way, I am sure things will work out - they always seem to - so I keep on trying.

Even for a lot of free time, despite my desperate search for a local job in this shark market, I have a sense of being overwhelmed. If it isn't my anxiety, which my ex-boyfriend's lies and behavior tend to keep rather peaked, its my dogs... God love them, they are such sweethearts but the one has had to go and it breaks my heart.

I just can't manage it all alone. It's a lot of work to manage a house, a disorder, a job search and to fight with a heart that is somewhat cracked (certainly not broken) along with a steady stream of lies and promises.

There was a time when I would have taken my ex back. Despite the dirty things he has done to me throughout our relationship. From leaving me stranded in various states, using me, living off me, cheating on me, disrespecting me... I even tried the 'semi-open-relationship' route ... but that didn't work either, because he was still a whore outside of our 'rules.' Plus, that wasn't the mindset going into the relationship. It was not what I wanted and according to him (all revealed as lies now) it wasn't what he wanted either.

I forgave more than any sane person would have. I am not even certain why I did. I think it's a combination of time invested, caring for someone, being worried for them and also wanting to believe in them.

That is probably the top answer: wanting to believe. Don't we all want to believe in someone? To think that the promises and talk you hear is true ... with depth, passion and meaning? I know I did and even though I knew it wasn't, I hoped it was.

Now, even as they stalk people on my facebook (lol-pointless process nonetheless), while they immediately resort back to the same behavior that helped end our relationship, as they failed to prove themselves in any sense (even though they begged and pleaded for a chance to)... as everything negative about them is the same as it always has been and always will be... they send me texts and voice mails about how much they love me, miss me and want to be with me. It's a twisted little game; if I were able to assume they were on alcohol or drugs it would make more sense, but unfortunately that is not the case.

They expect those words will get them back where they were. I don't blame them, if I could live in someones house who is hardly ever around, pay money here and there when I can - just to have it spent back on me and turn their house into my own personal brothel.... I guess I'd miss it too above sleeping on someones sofa in the ghetto.

But love.... it's an empty word and one they are not educated about enough to say.

To add insult to injury, as well as to peak my anxiety and excite my rage, to allow a third party to disrespect me? That is where the line is drawn. You choose in life who and what matters most to you -- for many years they decided that was tricks, acquaintances and fair weathered 'friends.' -- but never me.

And although all these people existed... it was only I that was ever there for them; it was me who was important when they needed something they they or someone else couldn't provide. Still, they were never there for me. Not once in the course of our relationship, even when they could, did they ever do - give - fulfill a promise - anything.... for me. ((sigh)) hindsight is 20/20

Love is not a simple word, it is an action. Just as caring, loyalty, respect are all actions.

His words were empty and always proven to be false. It is no longer a surprise, a pain, a loss... it's a disappointment and time wasted that I can recover.

Who will show those words in action, as much as I can?

Paparazzi

2011-01-02T14:57:00.001-05:00

I've always said that I never wanted to be one of the pretty people or part of the popular scene of look-a-likes and act-a-likes. Nor have I wanted to be the coked up, muscleboy in the spotlight. Popular for no reason, like a Paris Hilton with a cock.

Maybe that's not completely true and just a self defense mechanism. Just a way to let go of younger ambitions that now, years later, are dusty and incomplete.

I've been blessed to know many people, to have my thirty minutes of fame - while some have only 15 or non, to have incredible friends and been to incredible places. Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I have never understood why some men are so taken by me. With just one conversation, their universe is me. How flattering it feels and how it kept me up high when I was younger. I guess I was more popular than I thought.

Yet, when all is said and done, I am sitting here alone.

I've tried to be what others wanted, bent myself to keep people happy, I've been passive, aggressive, angry and a lover. I've played bad boy and innocent - even took on the role of boy and girl.

I have used sex as control. While you snorted coke, I was being held down and penetrated to feel my high.

Who I was changed day by day. A script written for the people or circumstances I was in - never me on the surface.

Now I sit here alone. Alone I am comforted, I know who I am now. My heart not broken by choices or mistakes - I feel free.

Even still.. I have saved you a seat, next to me. Ever hopeful still.

- What Are You Doing New Year's Eve Diana Krall ? -

2010-12-26T10:57:00.000-05:00

Mysteries

2010-07-25T02:54:00.001-05:00

In the silence of my mind I can hear your whispers, like a soft rain, reminding me of who I am.

Your voice, much like a beacon to lost ships, leading me back to the person I was and scoulding me gently for having lost sight of what I had once held so important.

Displacing the illusion that only life can hold truth and opening my eyes to the mysteries that exist beyond what can be seen or touched.

Suddenly, what once were secrets begin to unfold around me like a thousand stars dancing. Each point of light speaking answers to questions only my heart remembers.

In the silence, in the darkness, in the void created by a broken heart my tears are mine alone and through them the strength to face the chaos each new day may bring.

Learn to say Good Bye.

2010-05-22T23:03:00.001-05:00

God has offered us comfort, in our most painful moments, with promises we know to be true:

That good byes said today, will be joyful reunions tomorrow;
That broken hearts are temporary
and love eternal.

God has given us memories, whispers of those we love, so they are never too far -- even, if for a time, they are untouchable.

Down the rabbit hole

2010-04-22T16:53:00.009-05:00

"Remember your Creator before the silver cord is cut, or the golden bowl is broken, or the pitcher shattered at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the well." -- Ecclesiastes 12:6

I lay in the darkness, waiting for sleep that does not come. My anxious desires betray me, as I stare through closed eyes into the void. Watching the colors dance, like stars, in the sky mocking me for being grounded.

I wait and welcome the sensations as they slowly begin to take over. As my body begins to vibrate and the roaring of oceans fill my mind. I try to move, but cannot. Paralyzed, I smile inwardly knowing that soon I will be free.

I think of the stars that I saw, which have now fled to another place and suddenly I can sense the rush of air as it passes around me. I keep distant my fear of the darkness, the speed, the sound and I think of you.

Now, in a room without walls, I am sitting across from you and we are talking - in silence. I can see you clearly as we discuss the many things I never had the chance to say. I am happy to know that the end is truly another begining.

All too quickly, you begin to fade as the distance between us becomes greater. I reach out, but find nothing. I tell myself that I will remember, I won't let myself forget... not again.

As the alarm clock rings... I try to remember my strange, but familiar, dream and cannot.

Once again, I forgot.

The Source of Life

2010-01-20T21:51:00.002-05:00

How long can you continue to race against the pain? How far can you run before you fall, before you succumb, to the fears that wait to overtake you.

To throw you.
To break you.

How many peaceful nights can you toss and wake in panic. How many tears can you cry, when no one else is watching you.

What does it take to accept the unknown and to let go.

Let go.

Let go of the suffering, the pain, the questions.

How many illusions can you weave, that you lay as bricks of a fortress to guard you.

I search for you, your existance. I want to know the truth of the mystery, the play, whose script we read from daily.

Your voice has grown softer. I fight to hear you clearly. How cruel can memories be, when your heart is already broken.

I am

2010-01-20T21:38:00.006-05:00

I am wondering about mysteries; about the visions that exist in hallucinations, in the darkness of fears and in the void of moments lost. I am wondering about creation and if I have always been there. From the beginning.. watching as a spirit dancing in a sea of souls yearning for home.

Looking in the mirror I can see the images of my past, who I was, who I have become and who I wanted to be. I wanted you to love me, to hate me, to worship me, to fill me with hopes and dreams.

Drunken in the chaos I created, I yelled for help. I reached out my hand to be your support, your guide. To free you from fear and sadness. I lifted you, with hopes that it would give me strength to lift myself from the thorns. I accepted your pain, but emptiness was still all I had.

In the stillness, in my peace, I have let my ego go. In the silence, in my minds eye, I see clearly.

Listen to me, let my stories fill your mind with visions. I am here just for that, for you, to feed your soul and hold you up wrapped in the suns light.

I am here. As I always have been, as I always will be. Created and creator. The pureness of love.

Frozen

2009-09-13T15:12:00.002-05:00

I have tried to write this one post so many times it has become frustrating. There are so many thoughts, emotions, memories... everything is just jumbled together. How do I put order to such a random array?

I made it out of Kansas (thank God) and am now back in Florida. It is nice to be back, but a lot of the 'magic' that made me love the state seems to be missing. It is either missing, or my perceptions and expectations have changed. I have not quite figured out which it is.

Memories of my mother come and go. I find myself fighting to remember her voice, her common quotes. Trying to piece together memories, promises and understand that my questions will have to go unanswered for now. I have come to understand my ability to compartmentalize emotions without thinking. It has been an effective self defense mechanism, but nothing comes without a price. Sometimes I have to ask myself if the price for feigned peace of mind is worth it.

Lately I struggle with feelings of being trapped and motionless. My life seems stagnant and that is something it has never been. Is this the effect of growing old? If so, I want no part of it. A fading star... excitement transforming into unsettled tranquility. Like standing in a crowd that slowly begins to dissolve. What point is there in living an unquestioned, unacknowledged life?

I try to have faith, I try to find answers but for every answer I think I find only more questions appear. I cannot help but wonder, from my own life experiences, what if we have gotten it all wrong? What if our belief systems are mistaken?

What if God were as close as our next dream?

The comfort of routine

2009-06-25T01:52:00.005-05:00

I had a friend ask me recently why I collected so many books, or I think to be more exact, if I was building a library. I found it interesting that I never really stopped to consider why I was doing it, although I knew I had some basic reasons. I find comfort in them, regardless if I pick them up to read or not. I find and value a sense of wisdom that comes before the idea of being 'politically correct,' and I like to think that I am protecting memories or ideas from disappearing.

The truth of the matter is I wanted to share them with my mother. Of course all the other reasons are valid, but the motivation was to sit and talk about them with her.

I continue to do it and I am sure that somewhere it's just because my nature is to spend money (not your average jew) but it's also a routine now. A routine I continue because it gives me comfort... because I was doing it to share with someone else.

Something is missing and I notice it every time I look in the mirror. My eyes don't look alive anymore, there is a void and darkness that is physically obvious.

I don't even think I know how to grieve openly. It's been so long since I allowed myself to do that. I believe strength is required to survive and the ability to overcome any obstacle and move forward, without delay, is necessary to avoid falling prey to pain.

You certainly can't think straight, support others, or maintain your focus when you're weak and lost in despair.

I cannot even cry and I want to. I feel it, but nothing comes out. I try and remember her voice and it is like a whisper now.... it hasn't even been that long. If people could hear me repeating the things she said to me, so often, in my mind - over and over - they would think I was truly psychotic.

I am so afraid I'll forget.

I daydream of taking my mother places and doing things with her that I knew she would enjoy. Things that she didn't have the chance to enjoy for so long. I daydream of helping her, of watching her regain her sense of self and value... of her being who she was before it was lost.

It doesn't last for long and then I see her lying on the floor barely conscious... I imagine her fear as she hears the paramedics and is rushed into the hospital. I imagine the pain and stress on her body as her heart fails and as she is brought 'back to life.'

I sense the pain in being unable to speak, or move. I can feel trapped myself, as if I was there. I can imagine her screaming in her mind...trying so hard to speak....as she hears the doctors, the crying, the voices all announcing her departure.

Most of all, I can feel her heart breaking as they sat the phone next to her so she could possibly hear me on the speaker .. telling her that I was driving, as fast as I could, to get there and to just hold on. I would do something to make it better.

I lost something at 10:47am on April 24th....I feel the void that it left every moment of every day.

It is not a void that time, kind words, beautiful cliches, or happy memories will fix or fill.

When my mother's heart failed, for the last time, mine left to find her.

Voices

2009-06-15T04:10:00.002-05:00

It's been a month, plus some, since my mother passed away. I cannot exactly say how I am doing. I am doing what any one can do, I assume, I am simply moving forward and trying to stay sane despite all the thoughts, questions and hurt.

Some days are better than others.

I just wish I had a saved voicemail, a letter, a video... something other than pictures to help me remember her. I wish her face while she lay in the coffin wasn't my last solid visual of her.

I keep replaying in my mind, over and over, the words she would always say to me. At first, I heard them as if she spoke them. Her tone so clear in my mind.

But my memory isn't as strong as I would like it to be and slowly the voices begin to fade. So I hold onto them as hard as I can.. repeating over and over the phrases she said with so much love.

The voices have changed; no longer her they are my own.

I learned a long time ago to be strong despite what was happening to me. It became easy for me to pretend that everything is fine, when in the publics eye. Finding quick moments, alone, to quickly feel pain before putting it away again...

Life must go on, eh?

Sometimes it becomes so hard to fight the feelings of regret, anger, hurt and longing to have them back. So many things I would do differently, if only I knew you wouldn't be here right now. If I had known the voices would fade.

A friend, with very good intentions, told me that when people close to them die they view it as 'another angel' watching over them. That idea helps them to cope. If only I could be so easily comforted by the thoughts of angels and being watched over by people no longer here....

I am not so easily comforted.

Sometimes I wish I was alone... away from everything and everyone. I want to scream, fight, cry. I want to hear her voice, not mine, I want to understand.

Sleep gives me hope... I hope for dreams, motion picture memories, something to give a false sense of a different reality...but even dreams are limited for what hope do you have when you know reality will throw you back down when you awake.

It isn't easy... despite what you see.

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes...

2009-05-10T02:30:00.024-05:00

"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes.

A farewell is necessary before meeting again,and meeting again after moments or lifetimes is certain for those who are friends." -- Richard Bach, Illusions.

I will never forget when I first read Illusions and Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach; those two books were my shelter at a time when I felt lost and afraid. It seemed to be so full of wisdom and the words wrapped themselves around me, like a protective blanket. In those words I felt invulnerable.

As I grew older, those same words were what I pulled from when it came time to offer comfort to others. Especially the phrase above, my catch all -- Something to say, when silence was the best option, but not the right option.

On Friday, April 24 2009 my mother passed away, unexpectedly. Now I struggle with regret, guilt, 'what if?' and the knowledge that I cannot change the fact that she is dead. What comfort do words offer now... I see past the illusion that any words, no matter how well they mean, can offer comfort to such a loss.

"Soon I will come visit you."
"Soon we will spend some time together."
"No, don't come visit just yet, we'll plan something soon."
"I love you."

There are many things that haunt me with my mother's passing. I knew her loneliness and depression. I knew how, above all people, she trusted me to always be there for her and keep her safe. I knew her fears, her hopelessness and her desire for life. I knew she wanted out of the pit that held her captive.

"Now, as my heart breaks, I have learned how long soon can become. Not as quick as necessary, not as comforting as once thought.
I have learned that life should not be about soon, but now. That each moment is precious, each second irreplaceable.
That as quickly as your heart beats, it can break."

My mother died a month before her sixty third birthday. She died unhappy, lonely and with a feeling of worthlessness. She died an unnecessary death and while it is not the 'proper' thing to say... her death was rooted in neglect, because had we cared more... showed more... helped more... loved more than perhaps she would have found the strength to overcome her demons. We did not and neither did she.

"What memories do I have? That while others said 'soon,' 'maybe,' or 'no' my mother always said 'yes.'
That she, unlike so many others, would sacrifice herself - without thought - to see someone she cared for happy.
She would do without, so you did not have to."

Death does not make a person become a saint and there is no one that I know who is perfect. However, what I can say is that my mother's flaws were over shadowed by her heart. A beautiful person, full of love and compassion who never learned to let go of all the hurt that life had brought her way. Her hurts turned to disease and when it was time for my brother and I to take care of the person who gave up herself to take care of us... we did a little, but not enough.
People would say that we did everything we could. They would say that you cannot blame yourself, you cannot feel guilty. I say fuck them and their petty cliche, fuck them and their chorus of "she wouldn't have changed," fuck them and their empty words of her being in a 'better place.' Who the fuck are they to say what is better or what is enough? I do feel guilty, I do blame myself and I am angry... I am so fucking angry at myself and all the people around me who could have cared more and didn't.

"So many people said they had forgotten how beautiful my mother was. So many people... why had they forgotten?
They did not forget how beautiful she was - they had simply forgotten her.
They forgot about friendships, they forgot to be there for someone in need.
They forgot the importance of love, support and intervention to lift someone lost in depression.
They forgot to care."

It has been over two weeks since she passed away and I still feel numb. I've tried to keep my mind occupied, simply to delay the process of coming to terms with her being gone. I still pick up my phone, with the thought to call her and then realize how I cannot. I hear her voice in my mind and have conversations about all the things I wanted to do for her. I don't want her gone, because I do not know where she is.

I am okay as long as I keep my mind occupied.

I've lost my mother, my friend, the person who has always cared for me and who I could tell anything to. I lost her before I could do all the things I wanted to ... because I was too busy with my own life. Too selfish and lost in my own world to hear her small cries for help.
I wonder if she knows how much I love her, how much regret my brother feels and how much my heart is breaking?
I hope that as you read this you take another look at your relationship with your parents. That you take the time to consider those that are lonely, hurt or fighting demons of their own. If that situation exists in your life, perhaps you may want to think of what difference a little more love may make.

Time doesn't always mend a broken heart.

There will come a time to conquer

2009-03-27T17:03:00.003-05:00

I pride myself on my lack of interest in television. I do not watch it, as a rule, and I very rarely listen to news broadcasts or the radio. Luckily, I have movies, IPod and computerized entertainment to occupy me. When work isn't doing it for me.

While I agree, to a limited degree, with the 'ignorance is bliss' mentality - I cannot help but feel a strange sensation of tension when (in that rare moment) I take the time to play catch up on world events.

As powers shift and change, alliances become distant and countries that the majority of people never think about pick up pace in a race to flex their military muscle... I see history completing it's circle and ready to launch a new lesson our way.

I remember growing up with the threat of a nucleur war and having fall out shelters. I also remember when war became a distant thought and was limited to countries that had no direct impact on our safety.

While I never put much thought into it; it crosses my mind a bit more frequent now. Without going into the cause, such as population expansion or resource acquisition, I believe that war is an unavoidable reality. Not so much a question of "if," but "when."

I don't mean war that we read about and sit feeling sorry for the countless innocent people who live daily with the fear of bombings and invasions; but to ourselves, here. Could the American people handle the psychological impact of a missle wiping a city off the map?

Doubtful. We've been blessed (and cursed) by not having to ever deal with such realities. Pearl Harbor and September 11th being our closest encounter with such an experience -- and while we were fortunate to have a technology to end one 'war,' at an unfortunate cost, we are far from being the only nation able to show a demonstrated force today.

It is sad that peace is so hard to acquire and that tolerance tends to only last a short while. However, I guess that is just the nature of being human in a world filled with such diversity.

It worries me, though and it is my 'prediction' that as we watch situations unfold we will begin to see it take a direction straight towards us.

I'm starting to feel that's a dangerous formula for the future...

2009-01-29T02:53:00.004-05:00

"We're a society of people that want to ignore the bad things and just 'move on.' I feel that's a dangerous formula for the future."

It seems the older I become the more interested (obsessed) I am with the past. I've also gained a new found interest in current politics and our economy. As for politics, it is still limited; I do not believe we are a true democracy and I think elections tend to be the lesser of the two evils. It's business and like with any business, people are going to say and do what they need to 'get the contract.' What they do after they've won it... well that's a different story.

I think that Obama is interesting, not for his ethnic background (he is not entirely African-American and that, nor women, are a first as President in this world), but for the youthful and energetic charisma that he brings to the stage. All the same, I am sure people found Hitler youthful and energetic too. Look what that birthed.

Not that I am putting Obama in the same class or in any way relating him to the monster which rose out of Germany. I am simply saying, good character can quickly turn to something more sinister. It is a good rule of thumb to never be blinded by the dazzle of a person's charm.

I hope he can do something to bring our country around and improve our strained relations with our international community. I guess time will tell; he certainly has his work cut out for him.

So, with that, "good luck" to Obama and be the person you promised us you would be. Now, with the good said, it was brought to my attention that he cut White House salaries to anyone making above $100,000.00 a year. Okay, well I don't make $100,000.00 a year and I don't have sympathy for those that do (or did). However, what does that say? Those people will suddenly have to reorganize their lives. It may be good in the long run, but it is a fuck over off the bat. If you want to make an example, Mr. President, perhaps you could have cut your own salary as well?

Either way, let's stand behind him and support him. As with anyone, he needs the chance to show what he can do. Nothing happens in the span of a week; at least not the reworking of a nation.

Obama wasn't the purpose of this entry anyway. The purpose was our innate desire to forget the bad and move on. Do you realize that the Holocaust was, what, only 65 years ago? Do you think that is a long time? In the big picture it is moments behind us.

The Holocaust isn't the only 'bad memory' we have as a people; there is also Pearl Harbor, 911 and I am sure a slew of others. Both of a national level and a personal level. All the same, how often do we remember, discuss, or plan for our future with the thought of those bad memories guiding us?

Rarely. It is not the nature of people. We want to forget as quickly and as completely as possible all the wrongs we experience. All the hurt or pain. We want to move as far away from it as possible. My question is what does that distance cost us?

I think we live in an interesting time; filled with many paths that we can follow. So many choices to make in a world where everyone is our next door neighbor. Thanks to technology, we're no longer world apart.

Can we make the right ones?

I am not easily shaken by things. I think that its' important that we're able to be resilient in the face of whatever adversity we are hit with. Yet, the state of the world I think frightens me. I haven't come to terms with that one hundred percent, but I believe that's my honest feeling at the moment.

I hope that you, I and we make the right choices. I hope that we remember the past as we plan our future, that we learn from our mistakes - quickly, without repeating and that we learn and utilize the values of compassion, caring and understanding.

With that said, have you ever had a feeling that you just cannot shake? A 'knowing," if you will? Here are mine and they may seem just a bit 'out there.' I guess that's a given when coming from me:

1) Our dollar will rise and then suddenly fall beyond repair. We will end up merging our monetary system with that of the Euro. It may not change the face of our currency (I doubt the American people could handle that psychological change) but it will change meaning.

2) Islam will continue in faith and population until it is the dominate religion. Slowly growing as a peaceful religious system, with extreme factions (such as any religion in history) and then show unrelenting intolerance towards christianity and professed christians.

3) With the increase in military power of other countries and from pressure within the European Union our country will slowly lose its stance as a super-power. With that pressure, our allies will not be in position to stand in our defense as a completely soverign nation. While America may always be "America," our system of government will slowly change to a figure head and national spokes-person who answers to another authority.

4) The tele-tubbies, after rehab, will come out of the closet as always having consisted of a gay, transgendered and stoner. Not necessarily being the ones you assume them to be. The triangle was all a misleading pitch.

There you have it. My predictions. I hope it's nothing more than over-reaction at all the information being thrown out to us. Let's just use these things as mindfood. Let's think about our past and begin to make progressive and calculated steps for the future.

Let's understand that people may not believe what we do, or behave as we do, but that they are no less entitled to their free will than we are. Let's also remember that sometimes the cost of freedom is freedom itself.

Let's stop killing in the name of God, whatever you may call "him" and realize that God does not need to use our hand to 'smite his enemies.' God can create worlds, man, etc., God doesn't need any one to think that they are "his" ultimate fighting champion.

Let's give Hillary Clinton props. She's an incredibly strong woman, in the face of many obstacles and will likely be a powerful and positive force for our country in the White House. Plus, let her do some diplomatic talks on a PMS day -- who's going to fuck with her?

Let's remember that there is strength in unity to a common purpose and that there is power in kindness and love. All the hate and violence in the news gets really old. Another reason why I don't watch TV.

Let's all remember to remember.

...if you're still wondering, at this point, "yes, the tele-tubby comment was a joke."

deniager reven si emit

2009-01-19T04:56:00.004-05:00

There is nothing more interesting, intoxicating or intriguing than the person who can speak in silence. The path that is held in their eyes or the journey they beg you to take.

Who hasn't wanted someone, something, to crave? Something to obsess over. After all, weren't we designed to obsess?

So unfortunate that the hand which wipes away our tears is often the one to beat our desires and consciousness into submission. Is happiness worth the price of a forced smile?

Is love worth submission?

What void do you constantly seek to fill in the arms of another? What demons chase you into uncharted territory?

In silence so much is spoken. Peace is nothing more than a journey in your mind's eye.

Love IS our obsession.

I have always been worthy and my love you've never experienced before.

This is all I have to give.

Not much, never enough.

I hate McDonalds, but love Monopoly.

2008-10-15T16:50:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I enjoy a good gamble. Men, slots, Ebay and things like McDonalds Monopoly game.

I travel all over for work, so I have plenty of time to attack some unhealthy food at MissDonalds.

:D

So.. here's the deal.... if you have Boardwalk or Virginia avenue hit a man up and we'll split profits.

I tell you this, so you can eat more of the nasty shit and I can just help us share some money.

Think of all the hookers you could buy with half of a hundred grand!?!

Insomnia

2008-09-08T06:02:00.005-05:00

I'm glad that your smile is just an image in my mind

I'm not sure it was ever meant for me

And I'm glad I'll no longer look in your eyes, for I'm afraid of what they might see.

And I'm glad that we won't talk any more, our conversations never went very well.

And you won't be the one, I'm so eager to see, when I've good news to tell.

Your hand won't be the one I hold, through the bad times and the good.

Your chance is gone to do the little things, that I've always wished you would.

Like asking how my day went, or lending me your ear. Kissing me softly, on the cheek, as you pull me near.

You don't have the chance to offer back what your actions have left out.

I see beyond the words that defined what I thought we were once all about.

So the conversations I absorbed, which always went so well

Were words to you and nothing more, but a poet could not parallel the conviction and feelings you so profoundly portrayed

And I believed, not knowing that, the script changed day by day.

Has God abandoned us?

2008-09-01T21:35:00.004-05:00

Today my old-new-boyfriend made a comment about the existence of God. He questioned the truth behind the saying that God does not give us more than we are able to handle, because he is experiencing things that he feels are beyond his own capacity.

It reminded me of an experience I had when I was eight years old and which I probably have not remembered in over twenty years. I was outside playing at a chapel in front of my grandmother's house when I decided to wander off and walk behind some old houses. Below those houses were the roof of sheds belonging to the homes below and I walked on those sheds until my foot broke through and I found myself looking down, helpless, at how far the drop was below.

Then something strange happened: there was nothing. I remember clearly looking down and being afraid I would fall all the way through and be hurt and then I remember sitting on the grass some feet from that shed. In between I remember nothing.

I would put that aside and say that I cannot remember what happened because I was so young; if I could say that I never had any other experiences like that as I got older. There have been a few, not many, but a few which has made me view things quite differently.

Therefore, I believe that we are not given anything which we cannot handle, but I also feel that sometimes our ability to 'handle' what is given does not mean on our own. Perhaps there are times when being able to handle what has come our way requires a little bit more. Could it be that it requires us to humble ourselves, sacrifice ourselves or come together with someone else to tackle the obstacle. Couldn't that be possible?

I do not have enough faith to be an atheist, but I do have enough personal knowledge to know when the hand of God has been shown. For whatever the reason or purpose, for whatever the greater goal, I know that when the time calls for it we can be greater than our normal self.

We've been given the greatest gifts. Free will, the ability to quickly adapt, the inner knowledge of right/wrong and compassion. I am sure that I'm leaving some other excellent examples out, but those are the ones which strike home to me.

I know he can and will conquer the obstacles that lay ahead and I know that when the time comes and the purpose is right, I'll be there to help him with the ones that I've been brought into his life to assist with.

I've been given the free will to love unconditionally and the compassion to know when that time is right.

Perfection leaves no room for movement, but a worthless life does not move period.

2008-08-31T16:29:00.003-05:00

So recently I decided to add places like manhunt.net and adam4adam.com to my list of sites that I belong to and visit. I won't get into the reasoning behind those two sites, but trust that it wasn't for the plethora of available dick and sloppy ass that comes with it.

It was, as I like to call it, for research purposes. Not that I really needed to research what I already knew, but it re-kindled in me some of my deep rooted feelings about the gay lifestyle and homos in general.

My profile explicitly says: no hookup. However, I think 'no hookup' must be the new gay slang for "bend me over and fuck me like a heroine addict!' because that doesn't seem to stop people from trying to press themselves (and their cocks) all over me.

I feel sorry for the really sexy people; that must be a hell of a lot of available cock to work through.

It's just every place you look that is attached with the word "Gay!" there is only one major, repeating, topic: SEX.

Everyone is out trying to get their nut. Single, boyfriend, dating, married (real nice guys, bet your wife loves that!) it doesn't matter, they are on the prowl.

It's like there is no strong, stable foundation to a gay relationship. It is built off the premise of sex. In my mind, the outline of two guys getting together follows this rough timeline:

Ah he's hot, big dick...nice. I'll sleep with him. UH OH! I kind of like him, okay we'll date. UH OH! Damn, we've fucked in every way you could think of and then some that I never knew... now he's kind of boring. UH OH! That guy over there is pretty sexy... UH OH! Let me go hook up with him and add some spice to this relationship...

And so the cycle goes. Before you even try to assume that I am just bitter or jaded, truth be told, I am not either of those. I am realistic and if you're gay and would like to say the lifestyle is something else, please correct me if you can. Just don't be mad that I call it out for what it is. Or maybe, just for what the moral majority of homosexuals make it.

How can you bitch and cry about not having an equal place in society when the only thing that your intimate relationships revolve around are being a whore? You reap what you sow, guys. True, as a whole gay people give great things to society: nice fashion, make up tips, reality tv shows just to name a few - but when it comes to stable relationships built on two people coming together as one soul to build a future.. ya all are kind of lacking.

It doesn't need to be that way and what are you gaining out of it? Some good sex? That'll take you places and last a lifetime, huh? Maybe if you don't catch an STD that you can't cure in the process. Does anyone else ever stop and ask themselves, "Is this really worth it?"

Gay, straight, whatever you are there has to be more to life and relationships than who the better fuck is or who the hotter guy (or girl) is. It seems that everyone is so quick to hop in bed, for a little while and then hop right back out to find something new and better. That's often without there being any real 'problems' in the relationship and when there are problems, it's just a quicker get the fuck out.

What about reconciliation? Couple counseling? Heart to heart talkes where a large goal is set that can be reached through small steps? What about soul-mates and lovers?

Everyone loves the fuck out of their boyfriend at least for the first couple months and hell, we all know in the gay world, that word love can quite often hit you within the first two weeks of dating a guy. So wait, maybe it's not our lifestyle that's fucked up?! Perhaps it's our idea of what love exactly is and means?

Either way, I am going to keep on being a homo. Keep on keeping on with being down on the cock (just hopefully my boyfriends and not some random guy from online) - but I am also going to keep on waiting to see something change for the positive in our community.

Maybe one day the truth will snap into everyones consciousness and we'll see a great change. Or, then again, maybe another bathhouse will open. Who knows, right?

What is the nature of man?

2008-08-27T14:39:00.007-05:00

"I do not understand what I do... It is no longer I myself who do it, but it is the sin living in me.... For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do --- this I keep on doing..... I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me... I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin. I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin." -- From a letter written by Saint Paul to the church in Rome, A.D. 57

Who am I to sit and spill my stories to an unseen audience? To weave tales of happiness, sadness, despair and loathing into stories and parables. To tell the lie that I have learned my lessons, but to continue doing the things I have done that I know I should no longer do.

I have been silent a long time, because I was caught up in traveling for work and dating someone that I met while doing so. A fascinating person, whos imperfections I found beautiful in a way that perfection could not match. Giving my heart, and myself, freely although I know that it is often with a cost not readily seen at the start.

I stayed on the same road with them, despite their wandering off. I returned to their side and followed them, in as much as a small puppy would do to someone that stopped to pet it. However, as is my experience, after their season was done for me - I returned to our place alone.

There is so much I could write and say, but I don't think I am ready yet. It would be great personal therapy to vent and try to understand -- but I guess the truth is, I've been down that same road before and I should have known better. So who am I to complain, cry or seek validation in the acceptance and sympathy of others?

Why is it that love never wins? That truth does not prevail? Why is it that you can give your heart so freely to another person and they can take of that, but they cannot correct the wrongs they've done? Or how can someone hurt the person that loves them, knowing the entire time that is what they are doing? Empty words so easily slip from the lips of others; love is such an easy word, for many, to speak.

I guess to some people it is easier to ignore the wrongs they've done and move on. That way they don't have to face them, their accuser, or correct them. I guess two people, working together, to a common goal - sharing a common love - to have something special is only in fairy tales. Or perhaps, there was really no love at all.

I think we should stop filling youth with the imagination of utopian love, happily ever after and fairy tales where good defeats evil and the nasty dragon is slayed. Then again, perhaps I am just old and bitter. Having loved people and sacrificed myself for them, time and again, to always be the one standing alone when everything is said and done.

Perhaps the true nature of man is the darkness in their hearts. The sin we keep locked up inside, while we put on our show for everyone else to see. Perhaps it is more fun to lie, cheat and be deceitful to the people around you who love you. Everything that is taboo offers more excitement, does it not? Everything you should not do, becomes that much more exciting to do.

I was proud of myself to have reached a point in my life where I was genuine. I love with all of me, I am loyal to a fault and I give of myself to those I care for before ever considering myself. Without expecting in return for anything more than the respect and love that ought be part of the relationship. Then again, perhaps that pride is the same exact darkness in my heart that makes me the same as the person who cheats, lies or hurts others.

I want to understand the true nature of man. I want to believe that genuine people do exist. People who cherish and value love and commitment and relationship. People who know how to correct their wrongs, better themselves and help better the people they are with.

Otherwise, what do we have? When our word is no longer a bond, when love is no longer something deep, special and unbreakable -- what are we left with?

Is the nature of man truly dark? I will always hope it is not.

2008-05-04T22:05:00.002-05:00

Cunt

Fag Bitch

Ass Fucker

Faggot Pretentious

Whore

Liar Slave

It's really no fun doing a post like this after the Dixie Chicks and their freedom of speech shit. What ever happened to the Dixie Chicks? Are they even around anymore? So much for that freedom of speech, if not.

I'm just bored. Sitting here smoking and thinking about the boyfriend or somewhat boyfriend, cause that's become his new title. I've gone past the yield sign and now I'm standing at that annoying four-way stop being pissed off.

I am all about options; I love the options man. I just don't like being in the position that I'm in. How do you make a decision when you can't come to a conclusion; even when you have more than enough facts to make the walk.

It's that love bug.. I'm tellin you. That shit is hardcore. I get up, I get knocked down, I get up again and BAM!!! right back into it....

I'm just a sucker for a sexy guy with those sad eyes and a good line.

So, now I am bored and I miss the fucker. Being single has some good points to it, but nothing beats someone that knows you, has your back and that you know is going to be there for you when the lights come on.

Ya know?

Are you tall enough to ride this ride?

2008-05-04T01:09:00.003-05:00

I've been away for some time now. Work has kept me traveling here and there and nowhere you'd really want to be. Unless you're into rednecks from BFE and there is nothing wrong with it if you are.

The knee has healed, thanks in part to my boyfriend and anal sex, but I still don't have the full kneeling action restored. I wonder if that puts my gay card in question?

Poor kitty, it's hard to change your spots. God knows I've tried and I've done very well at it, if I say so myself. My risque bar days are pretty much behind me, even though I do enjoy to go out for a drink now and then to terrorize the scene. My mouth certainly hasn't changed any nor my 'fuck it and fuck you' attitude. My depth has come closer to the surface, though and that creates a lot of change.

It also makes me more easily hurt, but if you've been reading my blog for any length of time you already know I am easy to hurt. I still give my heart totally to the person I am interested in and I still take a beating (no, not literally) before giving up and moving on.

I've always been that way; I believe loving with everything inside of you is the only way to love. I am just amazed that my heart hasn't become hard yet. Or that I haven't learned to sense the difference between someone's 'representative' and their true self.

I guess I still fall for the sales pitch. Who doesn't though, right? Even when the voices in our head are whispering no we continue to say yes. Can't blame us... everyone is seeking the person who completes us.

So where does this leave me? I am doing okay, the job keeps me busy and I am involved with someone who I am trying to believe in. Trying to make sure they can provide what the sales pitch offers.

We will see where it goes.... until then, I am alive and well.

Just a piece

2008-05-04T00:53:00.002-05:00

I've been out on the scene since 15... You've seen me on knees in the alley and you've tasted him on my tongue. I liked the attention and I lived to always throw a curve.

I never gave a fuck; where was the next trick to make a show out of? Who would be next? Just a tool to entertain me and in turn entertain you.

You hated to like me, but you lived vicariously through me. I was everything you wanted to be - too afraid to let loose. Too worried about what people would think to say fuck it.

I've learned a lot; I learned that the more I tried to give a fuck the less reason people gave me. The more I wanted to conform, the more disgusted you made me. It amazes me how the 'gay spotlight' works... just don't give a fuck and do what you want. Take some dude outside, throw him up on a car and suck his dick outside the club. Let 'em watch... it's the spotlight.

But don't try to change your ways. Don't grow up. Don't want more. More is the illusion.

It's just part of the drama...

2007-11-06T23:30:00.001-05:00

I smoke too many cigarettes and I think too much. Take off on a trip and drink too much. Spend too many hours wondering too many things about what it is or what could have been.

Never stop to accept regret because every action has made me who I am. I couldn't stand where I stand or be half the man I am if I hadn't been determined to pave my own path.

But I can't help to wonder just where you are - at 3am when I can't sleep. When I pace the floor fighting to contain memories.

I know I act like I simply don't care, but everyone needs a method of defense.

I wonder what its' like when the strongest people are weak. When the ones you think never cry can't stop long enough to speak. Painful moments done really quick.

I wonder why this is starting to rhyme.... I feel like fucking Dr. Suess.

Things are well -- my knee hurts like a mofo -- I am done with the broken bone shit. I guess I learned my lesson about over drinking and trying to run the acrobat style.

RaWr!

When I think of the world today...

2007-10-22T23:23:00.000-05:00

I have learned that we are more powerful than we think.

That we can overcome pain, loss and emptiness.

I have learned that sometimes walking through hell is our only way to reach Heaven.

I have learned to have faith, even in the face of complete destruction.

Well now, that was a dick that I was surprised to be impressed by!

2007-10-21T15:25:00.000-05:00

If you're a regular reader and haven't caught on by now - despite my being a little neurotic at times, I am also incredibly sentimental and ~~emotional~~. Don't let the ~~emotional~~ rumor get out too much, thanks.

With all this free time on my hands to be temporarily crippled, I started wondering what happened to people I went to school with. Picking a few names of people that impacted my school years - the fag haters, studs, hos, closeted curious bisexuals - I began searching myspace and other avenues to see what has become of them.

Not surprising, but many of the sexy in highschool guys are now far from being sexy. See what cocky gets you?

What really shocked me was to find that a rather plain guy I went to school with is now a rather well known pornstar gone mainstream actor. Talk about a shock, eh? Not that I should talk, I've done my share of things - not to that level - all the same damn .. it'd been nice to know where he was going back then.

Shameless plug: Jason Schnuit. Google that one if you want to get a look at the name going from porno to popular. Might as well check now when you'll get a chance to see his package. I don't know what vitamins this boy took, but yea, he is packing a small stable. Props to you Jason - you've become sexy and you got a big dick.

Of course, it's not all about package. Unless you're just looking for a quick trick in the back of an alley, a car, a train, a church, a habitat for humanity home..... whew..... sorry I was having flashbacks.

So while I am pimping the fact that he has become sexy and his parents can be proud that he is rather well endowed -- the real purpose is to say "Good job!"

There are few things more rewarding to me than to see someone I know, or have known, be successful and achieve their mark.

Of course a nice dick doesn't hurt either. Mines still bigger, damnit!

Things we take for granted

2007-10-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

I guess you, or I at least, don't take the time to think about how meaningful the things we are able to do on a daily basis are. We fail to see the luxury of walking, talking, running. The amazing blessing of sight or the conscious shifting effects of smell. Unless you live in a nasty city or a farm, then I don't think it's really all that conscious shifting.

Since breaking my kneecap, I've come to appreciate the ability to walk. How effortless it was to move, to run and how nice it is to be able to go wherever, whenever.

I've come quite a way. I can move without crutches now. I am still not really bending my knee - only because it's so huge and feels so tight that I am afraid when I bend it my kneecap is going to shoot out my leg like one of those flying UFO toys -- but I am walking.

I made the mistake of reading comments on the Internet from people that have had knee surgery like mine. Of course, for every five negative comments there was only one positive. Refreshing, right?

Continued pain when kneeling from the screw and wire (that might mess up the sex life just a little), knee giving out on you when walking, limited range of motion, people having surgery a year or so later to remove the screw and wire because of pain, etc.

...Sigh....

I am being positive here, though. I want full recovery. I won't mind a little bit of a gangsta lean, since that seems to be the in thing at the moment, but don't want to accept less than normal results.

While I am not a muscular person, I have always liked my legs since they managed to be muscular for some reason. Now... the brokenknee leg has lost all muscle tone. It's ugly. So I figured I would try doing some minor leg lifts to get some strength going again.

Then I found out it seems our brain shuts off connection to parts of our bodies that we don't use for awhile. This could explain stupid people. Either way, it's been depressing and a little painful (physically) as I try to change that and get my leg to raise and lower as much as possible.

I go back to work on Monday (( thank God! )) ... so I am hoping with all the travel that will be involved that this upcoming week provides some level of results.

I want to be 'normal' again!

RaWr!

Vintage

2007-10-16T11:20:00.000-05:00

What's new and exciting in my life? Not a whole hell of a lot.

It had gotten hectic for a bit, which is why I stopped blogging as much. Plus, I had run out of the energy to type about the events that were taking place. I had to live them once; typing about them was just too much.

It still fascinates me to think that people tune-in to read about my life or my strange thoughts. This has got to be one of the higher forms of flattery.

Even I'll take a moment sometimes to re-read posts I had made before. Trying to identify my more neurotic ways so that I can correct and avoid them in the future. Seems relationships are my kryptonite.

I was doing good with that. I had focused entirely on my 'career' and setting up home in Orlando. That's when I learned a new lesson, that I should have known by now, never move or transfer anywhere without first going to check it and the people out. Lesson noted.

So with my incredible 'career' put on hold and my life in Orlando shaken up a bit, thanks to two worthless pieces of flesh, I started the 'Shit! I need to find a job super fast' job search.

Didn't work out. Damn Orlando and its' over-saturated job market.

However, I was receiving rather nice job offers back in Maryland. Go figure. Wasn't the whole point to this that I didn't want to live in Maryland to begin with? Thought so. I guess you can't tell ?destiny? to go screw itself and I took the next Auto-Train back to Maryland.

* Side note: Now if you've never traveled by train you need to. Regardless if you kick back in ~~coach class~~ or get a sleeper (sleepers are fun) the train is still a kick ass way to meet new people and have new experiences. It's a shame I couldn't videotape a few of those new experiences. Bottom line - travel by train at some point. It can be adventurous or romantic.

So I'm back in Maryland. Checking out the job offers (I should have never stopped making porno - life was more exciting and more simple with porno) and hanging with friends I hadn't seen in the seven months I had been gone. Wasn't too bad. While I honestly do not like Maryland as a place to live, it does have some charm.

Then BAM! on a drunken walk back to a friends apartment I got the idea that I was a Ninja and as a Ninja should be able to jump down some stairs crouching tiger, hidden dragon style.

I am NOT a Ninja.

So another lesson learned and I am in the process of nursing back a broken kneecap and getting myself able to walk again.

Yet for all of the bullshit and things that have taken place I guess there was something to come of it. I've had a lot of time to think and re-evaluate areas of myself, reconnect with people that I've misssed talking to and a new job offer which begins at the end of this month. More fitting to my passions and with a good enough salary to get me quickly back together.

I guess good things can come out of annoying situations. So, there's the update on my life. I figured it was time to put some substance in rather than just rambling off thoughts.

Inject me..... with java

2007-10-16T01:00:00.000-05:00

I'm bored

Entertain me

Tell me where I belong at

How do I have to act to be like that

What do I have to say to be respected like that

I'm not going to play that
I don't want to be one of the pretty people
Another version of someone else
Cast from your mold
To be the toy you like

Not here to please you
Not trying to be you

Got my own way
My own thing

There's no life in being the same.

Wake me up

2007-10-15T01:56:00.000-05:00

I've had time to sit and think. To evaluate and re-evaluate my thoughts.

I've had time to explore inward.
I've had time to open my eyes
You can go through life pretending to not notice, to not see, the pain and suffering of others. You can close your eyes and turn your head. You can close your heart and forget . You can place your hand into your pocket and ignore the damage you've done.

You can go through life pretending to be blind... or you can challenge, change and manipulate destiny.

What's it going to be?

Another suitcase

2007-08-09T13:47:00.000-05:00

So I've purchased my auto-train ticket back to Maryland. I leave on Monday, August 13th at 4:00pm, unless something amazing happens before then. I am not expecting it to and I am not even sure I want it to.

Stay, go home, go to Miami... choices, choices, choices...

And all I wanted was to get away; it wasn't the first time. I can view this as an extended vacation, a vacation would have sufficed, but now six months later it didn't turn out so well. I'll learn, one day, to not leave behind good things and good people in search of something more. Something possibly better.

It's like porno. You watch that same porn, again and again until it just does nothing more for you. You've moved on and now you need a deeper porn to get off to. The same 'ole has become mundane... the thrill is gone.

Come to think of it, sounds like a good number of my relationships too.

I was supposed to goto Miami this month and stay with my friend Nick while I looked at possible job opportunities. He wanted me to move there and honestly Miami is sexy. A lot better than Orlando, but I don't see how it's possible. It just doesn't make sense to take what little money I have left and risk it all on a chance.

What happened to my younger adventurous cravings...

The last place I want to be, for a number of reasons, is Maryland. However there is security in being there with friends and family. Not to mention, a good number of job offers. Job offers -vs- no job offers .. doesn't sound like too hard a choice.

I'll leave Florida, I'm sure of it. Then I'll be in Maryland and sorry that I didn't stay in Florida. It's a catch-22 that I am not sure I can win on any front.

It's nice to find your place in the world. A place where you know you belong.. where you feel it and just know this is where you should be.

I guess I'm still looking for that place.

Change is coming...

2007-07-24T00:43:00.000-05:00

It's been six months since I made the journey from Maryland to Orlando. The time has gone by so quickly; it feels like I only left yesterday.

Distance has a funny way of making you forget the things you left behind. I'm sentimental by nature, however and I find myself missing the people and places that I use to know - but it seems to last for only a moment before it's replaced by the action and challenges here.

Something in me moves me, though and it's not just the bullshit I've been dealing with at the new hotel down here. God, I miss my old hotel and the people. I feel an urge for change...a need for movement.

So, I think it's time to pack the bags again and pick another place. Somewhere new, that I've never been. I have two choices in mind, but I'll wait to see what happens (or to land there) before mentioning them.

Creativity is on overdrive -- there is so much I want to do and I know what I need .. I know what to do... now it's just a matter of focus.

Time to fight the insomnia...

Huh? What?

2007-06-28T23:56:00.001-05:00

Gabcast! I'm a ninja damnit! #1

Who have you mistaken me for?

2007-06-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

Some one easily broken? Lost and bewildered... roaming aimless and empty.

We are all fluid. The most beautiful imperfections ... we devour our environment.

I've wrapped around you, swallowing you... and spit you out.

Perfection tasted so bad, so stale.

Fluid... constantly moving, evolving, devouring... always within reach, but out of touch.

Been quiet for just a little long...

2007-05-29T17:16:00.000-05:00

I've taken time away from the bloging while I prepared and executed my move to Florida. Certainly without detailed planning, but I've always been excited by the mystery of what is waiting around the next corner.

So here I am. In sunny Florida with the palm trees. It hasn't been the easiest start, but things have begun to quiet down and I have the chance to begin the plans for the next stage of my move.

I keep busy with work, planning and little trips to Tampa and Miami when I can. A little more networking, some new friendly faces and more palm trees.... I really think I picked Florida because it was the closest destination with palm trees. I'm diggin the palms.

It doesn't hurt that eight out of ten people down here are beautiful either...

I surprise myself a little though -- for how social I can be.. I've kept to myself more than anything else. Reinvention takes time and I have begun a lot of reinventing .... so I have a lot to complete. There is a peace in not knowing a ton of people, like back home and the lonliness that it sometimes brings I can easily chase away.

I'm not getting any younger though, damnit. So I am trying to make the most of my time.

Some prospects of the latino variety -- but I don't want to get focused there. Infactuations and emotions are better set aside for the time. It's easier to just flirt, laugh and disappear ... there will be time for the serious stuff later.

I am waiting to see what 'excitement' gay days will bring. I've already ran into several people from Baltimore - some old friends and I can only imagine who else I will have the pleasure of running into. I am sure the five day event will not go without some interesting story taking place.

There is one person inparticular that I hope I do run into. I've been just a little too quiet, for just a little too long.

Where do we go from here?

2007-03-24T04:32:00.001-05:00

Cool Video

Cool lyrics - Gwen Stefani lyrics

Gwen Stefani Music Videos

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

Fairy Tales Don't Always Have Happy Endings...

2007-03-24T04:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I've moved on. A different state, different life. New friends, new memories and while I try to push away the past it still creeps in from time to time.

How can I let go of memories that seem so long ago, but are still recent? How do I let go of expectations and hopes that I held onto so strongly. So afraid to let go... so afraid to move on.

Here I am... a new place. Making new friends, building new memories. Trying to forget, but forced to remember. It's not bad, really. I never wanted to let go in the first place -- I forced myself into a position where letting go seemed the only reasonable solution.

The heart is not reasonable, trust me.

So I've met someone new, I'm hung up on someone old and I've been reuinted with someone from my past. Now I am just confused - a sea of emotions and hesitations. New hopes, new expectations and desires from the past mingled with concerns for the future.

Everything works out in the end, for however it was meant to be. I don't question that, but I do ask myself 'what if' -- because sometimes what if is all you have to hold onto.

Feelings that are true never die..

Walking Away...

2007-01-08T12:13:00.000-05:00

I have set into motion the things that need to be done and once again buried secrets inside that I had hoped for a chance to reveal.

Now I wait, for the chance to walk away, while one chapter closes and a new one is begging to begin.

I have learned that nothing is a constant, as much as I'd like to think otherwise and that people, places and things are never quite what they seem. Even though I approach them all with a clear conscious, open heart and child-like anticipation. Never quick to admite that disappointment hurts, but knowing all too well how much it does.

I've left behind anger, desire and pride. Hopefulness is no longer my mantra. What if and what could are no longer thoughts that race through my mind. I have packed away what I can and placed it in storage for now.

There is a sense of freedom in walking away, but that is all.

Nothing surprises me anymore, nothing impresses me... but I never expected it to.

You've been looking, I know...

2007-01-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

I know you've been looking... silently waiting to see what I may or may not say -- Curious of what I may need to express.

Despite all things; I cannot bring myself to be the way you are -- because everything I said was true.

As time goes on, you will fade -- but as you grow, you will realize.

The future is only determined by what is in the heart of the person making the choices.

Happy Again..

2006-11-06T18:24:00.000-05:00

Things are back in place; I'm happy again.

The humor behind "Anonymous."

2006-11-01T21:35:00.000-05:00

If you have something to say, you should be man enough (if that is what you are) to not hide behind 'Anonymous."

So while I do not know who you are, yet, we are both rather curious to find out.

In the interim, let us get a few facts in check:

1) I don't stalk any one nor have I. Have your facts in place before you open your 'mouth.'

2) My blog isn't the entire details of my life, so you have no idea what I have or have not done for the past year.

3) You have no knowledge of our relationship, what it entailed, or what depth it may have had to it - for either of us - so you're not in position to even begin making comments.

4) We're doing pretty damn fine hanging out and riding it along to see where 'we' go from here.

...and five, if you don't like the blog - or if you're simply bitter - don't read it.

The most simple form of truth..

2006-10-27T19:11:00.000-05:00

"When you love someone, when you care, you don't run to others to discuss the problems you are having. You don't run to others for an escape. You first go to the person you love, the person you're building something with and you talk to them. Not in hints, not in attitudes, but in complete honesty. You don't find someone else for comfort and then just walk away."

Too Much Time

2006-10-25T16:00:00.000-05:00

I never knew all the free time I had to be bored, until being single. My life was busy before and then nice and occupied with him... but now I am just bored.

I don't have the motivation to go out or go anywhere. I simply work, goto the gym to run and then come home. There I sit. Maybe a run to the gas station or a quick trip to see Becca, but when all is said and done.. I'm bored.

The biggest loss in a relationship is the sense of companionship. Someone to call who knows you on a little deeper a level than your friends, someone to see and do things with on that daily basis and someone to cuddle next to at night. Those are what I am missing.

Stay Tuned...

2006-10-24T17:03:00.000-05:00

I have decided to stop writing about the present situation between my (x) and I. I am not sure what will become of us, if anything or not, but for now I will remain silent. As hard as silence is for me.

I sincerely appreciate the kind comments that have been left throughout these posts. It has helped.

Stay tuned, because I am sure that at some point I will have news to share. Good or bad. Although I am hoping for the better of the two.

Thanks again.

Silence isn't always golden

2006-10-23T18:08:00.000-05:00

I have a good twenty post that I have written about my current situation, but I keep them saved as drafts. It's funny, how even when someone no longer is interested in you it can be difficult for you to do anything that might make them unhappy.

So they sit as drafts, for now.

It's been seventeen days, but why am I counting? I know there is no magic number and why do I feel so helpless?

I've had my share of short-lived relationships and I've walked away from them without any hesitation. I like them go, no big deal. So why is this such a big deal to me? Why am I so reluctant to let it go.

Funny story, the guy I was dating was dating the guy I dated before I met him... before he met me. Well that's not what makes it so funny, but it was interesting. I walked away from that without any issue.

I try to justify and understand not only myself, but him. We had this discussion once before regarding his ex-boyfriend. Everyone wants and needs closure, they need to understand when someone who they think loves them suddenly stops.

Maybe it was how we met, that makes me not want to let go. How I wanted him for so long and chance happened to allow me the opportunity and the opportunity became a relationship.

Perhaps it was how different he was from everyone else, his protective nature, how we laughed and saw humor in things that others probably wouldn't.

Or maybe it was just because he made me feel complete, cared for, loved. Not for anything other than who I am.

He doesn't understand that I still, or why I still, hurt. He doesn't seem to get the fact that I worry about him and wonder about him. He's on my mind all the time in one way or another.

If I had done something wrong, I wish he'd have simply told me. Anything would be more than nothing. Telling someone it isn't them and that you just don't want a relationship -- after telling them that is all you wanted is nothing short of a mindfuck.

As hurt as I am and as much as he does things that I know he is aware hurts me even more I cannot find it inside myself to be angry.

He acts like he hates me and I don't even know what I did. It was sudden, unexpected and nothing was pointing to anything being wrong. Nothing that would send out a red flag.

One minute he loves me, the next he is gone. So there's my confusion, stress and the reason why I don't sleep at night.

He started staying at my house so he could hold me and help me sleep. It was a sweet gesture and it turned into four months of feeling complete. Now my bed is empty and in such a sudden way... that I lay awake at night simply wondering... alone. I reach for him sometimes in the morning still, but nothing is there.

Maybe I am a fool. Maybe I should learn to just say 'fuck it" and move on, but what does that say? People can think I am stupid, they can think I am needy. I really don't care.

I know who and what I am. I know that I was genuinely happy for the first time in ten years by this one person.

And I know he's turned away.

Physical damage will heal. Scars will lessen, pain will go away. Damage to the heart, even when you've overcome it, lasts for ever.

But, I'm not angry. Love is a constant, when it's real, even when the relationship is long gone.

What's in my head...

2006-10-22T19:14:00.000-05:00

I didn't write this, but I'm going to post it here until I can find the video. It's amazingly close to the thoughts going through my head right now.

It will be

Whatever it is you're looking for

It will be

Whatever it is you need

It will be better

Even though I know you're not sure

Remember the rain even comes down

In Shangri-La

Look up as it soaks into your skin

And remember who you are and...

Come on home

When the road that you've

Been walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought was

Greener isn't there

You can come on home

If you find the sun don't shine

Through every window

If you find a moonlit night

Still makes you blue

If you find out why you

Feel the way you do

Glance over your shoulder boy

You know I'll be there

I've found in the past you know,

Sometimes life isn't fair so..

Come on home

When the road that you've been

Walking gets too long

Don't be scared

In case the grass you thought

Was greener isn't there

You can come on home...

When life isn't fair

Don't go there

You can come on home...

Now I understand...

2006-10-21T09:17:00.000-05:00

Somewhere along the way I must have given the wrong impression. At some point he must have doubted how much I cared. His comments always point at little things like that; I didn't show him enough affection.

I think that doubt and lack of affection he needed made him turn off and that resulted in his going away.

If he only knew...

I just want to tackle him and hold him. Of course, he's kinda bigger than me so I might not win on that one, but all the same... I want to hold him. Everything inside tells me it's what we need... a few moments of quiet affection, a reminder.

He says he can't change what his mind and body feels, yet it seems almost like a struggle. One moment I see the same look in his eyes that he had when he was all about me and the next I see it turn cold and distant.

I don't believe, deep inside, that he is happy we're over and I know that he is aware I am not either.

I just wish he'd try, if not for our sake than for mine. I wouldn't even ask it or expect it if I didn't know that the love for me is there. It's been 15 days and it feels like 15 years.

Nothing should ever obligate you to a relationship, but time invested and love should obligate you to try.

When everything falls apart...

2006-10-20T18:08:00.000-05:00

Today I learned of additional bad news, just something more to pull my world apart. I am at the end of my rope, I am worn, beat, defeated. I feel like I am being strangled.

I have been neurotic over the loss of my boyfriend. In some ways, losing him has had a more profound effect on me than my past boyfriend. For some reason, his walking out on me and turning his back had caused more pain than my boyfriends death in the car accident.

I guess because I finally loved someone, who really loved me back. I had a sense of complete satisfaction and happiness; I've never had that before.

Now there is something else. A new adversary, inside my body, that is causing me pain. I am scared, lonely and my emotions are upside down.

I have been fighting for my boyfriend back. I've done things that I never would have thought to do before. I have been like a stalker, trying at every turn to be involved and to stall what I saw as a threat to my chances with him. I have seen everyone as a threat to us, since he went away and now I can longer fight.

I want him to hold me. I want to cry. I need to let out all the fears I've been holding. I let it go for so long, what's inside of me, that now I am even more afraid. I guess I didn't want to believe.

I look horrible, busted and weathered. My eyes are dark. I haven't slept in the past 21 days more than a few hours a night. I need rest right now, it is a must, if I want to keep things as good as I can.

I also need to stop smoking, but I cannot foresee that happening right now. I have nothing to counter the stress. Not my boyfriend, nothing. My friends I love, but it is not the same. It is not enough right now.

I need to be held.

My mind is racing with all the worse case scenarios. Something else that is not like me; I am the optimistic one. Not today, not now. I wonder if something bad happens who will take care of the people I need to take care of? What will they do?

I feel sick inside. I can't fight anymore.

I just want to be held and made to feel secure.

It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you (part two)

2006-10-19T20:05:00.000-05:00

Sitting at home, alone, tonight and bored I began reading through my previous blogs. Starting with 'Happiness Unexpected' which told a cryptic story of how I met my 'boyfriend.' I'll call him my boyfriend, to make it easier (on me..?). Plus, not only do I have no intentions or desires for anyone else, but in my heart he's still my D-Fix.

Reading through those blogs, I had nothing but happy memories hit me. There was so much laughter when we were together, so much fun. It was so adorable the way his eyes would light up, his devilish smile and his way of saying "Nooooooo" -- everything about him was perfect in my eyes, he was free of defects, even though we are all defective in our own ways. It is that which makes us beautiful and allows us to grow. Perfection leaves no room for movement, but all the same, in my eyes he was and is perfect.

I read over those things and the nice things he had said about me, when he blogged as well, and I can't help but wonder if he is doing the same? Is he reading the things he wrote, thinking of the fun we had together and thinking about all the things we said? Does he ever think about me and miss me..? I can't help but wonder.

Even when I expect the opposite, my friends are supportive. Most people tell you to get over someone but I don't hear 'get over him.' I hear 'you two always looked so happy' or I hear 'I've never seen anyone make you as happy as he did.' My friends know me. While it may sound like the 'wrong advice' my friends liked us together -- they liked him for how happy he made me. They tell me to not give up, to give a little space and be a little patient. They are also kind enough to remind me to love myself...

I wonder if what he did was a form of self-defense. Maybe he was afraid of losing me or thought the way I felt was changing? Perhaps he decided to get out before I didn't want him anymore. I know I changed a bit, it wasn't him, it was just all the stress I was dealing with. I felt bad that I couldn't do for him all he did for me. I was afraid about what was happening to my mother and I was mad that my job consumed time that I could be with him. There has never been a moment when I wanted anything more than him.

I know he's been hurt before and I know he's not quick to give himself to anyone. So maybe, just like me, he was a little scared too. Maybe the same fear of losing him, that caused me to become irrational over something he did, because of past experiences ... was the same fear that caused him to break away.

It wasn't that I didn't trust him, I'd trust him with my life. I know he's a good person and I know his words mean something - even when he chooses not to show it. I was just afraid and being a little intoxicated never helps anything.

Sometimes I want to just write about the entire situation, but I don't. I respect his privacy and while the chance of someone reading this knowing him may be slim, i'd still feel wrong. This is like an awful nightmare. A horrible misunderstanding, a gross breakdown in communication. Not at all a reason to throw away the time we spent and the closeness we had.

Yet I do want to write about it. I want to write and hear someone say "hang in there!" I want to hear "if he really loves you, he'll be back," because I don't doubt for one moment that his feelings for me are the way he said. If they weren't, we wouldn't talk at all. I am pretty sure of it and while our conversations are not always the best right now -- we do still have them.

I think the most painful thing, next to not having him here with me, is how he avoids any attempts to see me. It's like hanging with me or seeing me would do something bad... or bad in his mind. That hurts, he wasn't just a boyfriend to me, he was my friend. I respect his thoughts, opinions and the comfort he gave me when things weren't too well.

And right now, I could use that comfort as I get ready to face somethings I am not too comfortable about.

Anyway, I will stop rambling now. I'll post as I'm moved, keeping an update of what happens and for better or worse -- I'll wait.

I'll wait for him and give him time to sort through whatever it is that has caused this. I believe that sometimes you have to experience the pain to reap the reward in the end. If we do make it through this, we'll be stronger for it.

If we don't... I don't know what to say. Everything about us being together was so amazing and such a rare chance -- it made it so special, so different. I don't want to think about what if we don't right now. I'll keep focused on maybe soon he'll put whatever has happened behind us and we'll try again...

At least if we fail then, the pain of an unknown is gone, because we held true to what was said to one another and gave ourselves the chance to see the possible rewards.

Do you know?

2006-10-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

How deep is the ocean, how high is the sky?

2006-10-17T00:43:00.000-05:00

[written 1:36am, 10-17-06]

How much do I love you..

The greatest act of love is freedom. The ability to give to someone you love the freedom to be away from you. The freedom to think and be without the pressue of your existance, even when it destroys you inside.

Today, through many tears, and tonight while holding them back I did just that. I gave to the person that my heart cries for the complete freedom of being away from me. I could no longer find any other way to show them the totality and true unconditional nature of what I feel for them, but to let them go.

We've all heard the cliche' that if you love something let it go and if it returns to you it was true. I never believed I would be someone to do just that.

Our conversations always went so well and our time together was rarely filled with any tension - but for the last week it had become argument upon argument. While I attempted to pull him back and he pushed away further. Had that routine continued, I know any shred of what we had would have been lost in the mix.

In some ways, I feel better despite the emptiness I can feel welling up inside. I know I will still wake up and reach for him, not finding him there. I know that I'll get lonely or have news I want to share, but I will avoid calling.

Maybe, just maybe, one day soon my phone will ring or there will be a knock on my door and it'll be his voice I hear and his face I see...

and maybe, just maybe, should that happen.... we'll lay on my bed talking, laughing, playing like we use to and I will hold him again and not let go.

Maybe... just maybe.

We're so quick to look away, because it's the easy thing to do...

2006-10-16T18:31:00.001-05:00

I spent over an hour writing this blog and lost it due to a 'lost connection' by my Internet service. Disgusted and upset that I won't be able to re-write it with the same words, thoughts and feelings.... I'm giving up. :(

When seasons change...

2006-10-11T18:26:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile since I've taken the time to really write. I guess it's a combination of things, but most of it was due to being preoccupied. Gladly preoccupied. It seems that preoccupation is slowly fading and I return here to find a peace of mind in rambling.

I have been taught many lessons throughout my life and I am thankful for what they've taught me. I've learned to find happiness in the midst of pain, to love without condition, to fight for my convictions and to never compromise my integrity. There are some things that I am sorry I never learned. The lessons that I skipped past and avoided... because I didn't want to know about how seasons change. I didn't want to learn to say good bye to the people, places and things that I loved or cherished.

Because behind the lying smile, the happy eyes and the sweet words.. behind everything that I am is a truth people don't see. They don't know the emptiness in my heart, the walls I've built to protect myself, my general dislike for people, and how few people I have loved or cared for.

Few, very few.

So when I love someone, when I open my heart and take them in -- when I believe in the words and affection that people weave into a complicated web... I don't want to say good bye; I don't want the seasons to change.

Even after summer has become winter and I find myself standing alone.

I don't want to believe that the conversations I cherished so much were words and nothing more. I don't want to believe the convictions and the feelings were simply words; a script that changed day by day.

Yet time and time again, that is where I am left. Holding onto words, feelings and memories. Pretending I don't see winter coming, pretending I can change what I can't. I never wanted to learn about good bye.

The one with the broken heart and broken pride. The one to feel empty, to feel unimportant, to be unloved.

There was a time when I was losing my faith in people and a time when my faith was renewed, but that changes too. I find my faith in people slipping away. Why must my lifestyle be one so short lived, short sighted... why are people so fast to run and hide? When they should be running to you.

I've made my mistakes, I've played the games and I've learned. I've grown. That was long ago... now everything I do comes from my heart. Every word an absolute truth and guarantee for as long as I can speak it. When I say "I love you" my whole body reacts, it's a truth to the core of me. When I say I care, nothing would take me from you. There is nothing I wouldn't do to see you smile, laugh, to see you happy.

When I love it is with all of me.
When I speak it is the deepest truth in me
When I trust you I sacrifice myself

One person, one heart... that's all I have ever wanted. Unlike so many gay people who run around in the dark, betraying the trust and love given to them, to entertain the pleasures of a simple trick. Perhaps this one will be better than the last, perhaps they'll do something or be something that my boyfriend is not... perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

There is nothing admirable in that. Nothing good. We wonder why the opinion of gay people is so bad. When you live your life based upon your sex drive and not your heart, what else can you expect?

They have an arguement, they break up. They get bored, they cheat. They are hurt, they run to find comfort in another.

Instead of running back home, to the person who cares for them, to attempt to fix the holes -- to attempt to grow stronger and to know what it means to love without limits.

I never wanted to learn about good bye.

Cannot sleep...

2006-10-07T01:51:00.000-05:00

Ah, the mind that doesn't stop and be silent.

It's 2:48am and I cannot sleep. The dog, however, who must think he's a person is sleeping peacefully in bed - under the convers with two paws on the outside. Just like a person... cute, but annoying when you can't sleep.

My mind is racing about many things. The largest portion of those thoughts I would never mention here, not the place for it. The remainder, however, work and family... those are open areas for the public arena.

I feel sorta sad inside, a little empty and a bit disappointed. Mixed with shock and the frustration of not being able to sleep. I want to sleep so bad; I am so exhausted.

il cuore causa il dolore.

I have a kid...

2006-09-11T18:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, perhaps a little furry and big eared for a normal kid, but a kid nonetheless. I was gifted with an adorable, little puppy named Scrappy a few weeks ago. While I first thought his addition to my home was ill-timed, with the sudden loss of my job at Jeepers when the new owners took over, I have come to the conclusion his timing couldn't have been more perfect.

While he does require a lot of attention, affection and 'No! Not on the carpet!" His being here has added to a sense of calm... it's always nice to have something that needs you and is so loving. Not to mention,

Well, not to mention needs to wait... since I just got an annoying phone call.

Will post more later.

Remove the chains of bondage...

2006-08-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

I've decided to free my ass via Ebay. You can check out the listing here:

[ I removed the link from this - in hindsight, what I thought was funny and meaningless was probably in bad taste .. and disrespectful to the person I care about and I am left regretting it ]

What every employer should know...

2006-07-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

Upload videos at Bolt.

And the meek shall inherit the earth...

2006-07-25T22:49:00.000-05:00

Then what shall the self-rigtheous inherit?

Can you hear me now...?

2006-07-24T23:10:00.000-05:00

I wonder if the homeless man I gave a dollar to yesterday perhaps is using that dollar to sit at starbucks and check out the internet. In the event that he does, maybe he will stumble across my blog. In that event, likely or not, I'd like to say this to him:

I am expecting to be paid back at the rate of 18.9 percent interest per annum. Thank you.

---

I have a lot of things to say. I always have. God knows I am incredibly verbose. All the same, sometimes I wonder if I will ever have the chance to tell all the people I'd like -- all that I'd like.

I could post it here for them, but I think the chances are rather slim that they would have the chance to read it. I could possibly view it as therapy for myself, but then again that would point to much deeper issues. Those being ones I should address with myself rather than in a blog.

Blogs are nice. It's an easy journal to keep - but what is the point to placing all your personal life onto the web for anyone to read? Sometimes things are better kept inside -- or amoung close friends.

And I can easily understand, how you could easily take my man...

2006-07-20T16:02:00.000-05:00

Well really, you can't.

So new update: the transition at work has begun and it will be a lot more shakey than first anticipated. I have to play the role of peacemaker between three separate individuals/companies in an attempt to secure myself, my position, without incident. So far, so good -- but I am weary as I know people tend to play dirty when they have agendas to meet.

I've been known to play dirty, also, but I like to not be that way. It's certainly in me -- just not who I choose to be. Unless thoroughly provoked. Would you like to try?

Things on the dating/boyfriend end are good. No problems there, things flow so smoothly. It is refreshing -- I guess the longer the wait, the sweeter the rewards.

All I do know is I am due for a vacation. A BIG, NICE, RELAXING vacation. I have some ideas for around Christmas. There is someplace I'd love to spend Christmas at this year -- so I am going to work on seeing that to fruition.

RaWr!

It's not a secret how I feel when I stand next to you.

2006-07-06T02:43:00.000-05:00

I cannot recall any recent time that has been as enjoyable as this past week. Even the daily stress of family and work have been over shadowed by the fun, laughs and immediate comfort/closeness I've felt.

It feels like I finally found the missing piece to the puzzle that's me. RaWr!

I'm excited... filled with a lot of anticipation for what is ahead.

This is a very, very good thing. That says enough for now.

The room is non-refundable... barricade the door!

2006-07-05T02:33:00.000-05:00

I am probably one of the most holiday oriented people that I know. I love holidays... moreso the ones that involve being close to people I care about. I like that cozy, intimate feeling it brings.

The fourth of July has never been one of those holidays for me. I don't find fireworks to be all that exciting - you see some color bursting in the air once, you've seen it. So I rarely do anything for the 4th.

However, this 4th has left some lasting memories for me. While moments might have been frightening (spiders... bates motel rooms...) the rest were nothing short of endearing, funny and just a sense of comfort/happiness.

It's a bit too late (early!) to go into detail, but I am going to have to... at least the one that tells the story of the picture above. It is too funny not to, but it's going to have to wait until I wake up. :)

Happiness Unexpected...

2006-07-03T18:01:00.000-05:00

It's not that I am a negative person, I'm really not. I am just realistic and while I have been blessed with many things that I cannot complain about - one thing has always been elusive: true happiness.

I've come to understand the cycle of my life. It ebs and flows .. one moment peaking, then dropping low and then peaking higher than before. This has always been the way. So, while I do not enjoy it, I have come to expect that every moment of happiness will bring with it a disappointment. Only to be followed again, later, by a deeper level of happiness.

When I was younger, I did not care. So I approached every situation without the thought of any possible disappointments and when they did occur I quickly shrugged them off. I think it is that mentality and my somewhat twisted viewpoint on things (humor..?) that has kept me going so long.

As I got older, I believe I unconsciously built a wall around myself. While I could be fun, outgoing, crazy... you name it... that's as far as you got. If someone good came along, I cut it short. I ended the situation before the situation could disappoint me. It was a crude self defense mechanism at best, but it worked as long as I could avoid the feelings of being lonely.

And I did...

I traveled, I drank, I lost myself in meaningless endevours. Then when the ability to live my 'rock star' lifestyle (as some called it)ended -- I dived into work. Work, work, work. No time for anyone, no time to feel lonely, simply no time.

I came to believe that things I wanted, I wouldn't have. So I stayed content with what I had and what I knew I could easily obtain.

You know, I really hated when people would say "you'll find someone... when you stop looking." I do not like cliches. Plus I never thought I 'looked,' I mean yea maybe I browsed.. but look? NOooooooo. Or so I thought.

Happiness unexpected, what better type could there be? I wasn't looking, I was certainly not expecting... but I think it may have found me, or me it, in a strange - unexpected - way.

Now I can't wait to explore it more, because something inside me says... that there is a lot more happiness ahead, the more I get to know.

I'm really not bad, it just appears that way...

2006-06-27T20:06:00.000-05:00

There are times that I question what I do, when I know that I probably shouldn't be doing what I've done...

Yet I prefer to stay true to myself and what I think or feel - even if it could be seen as questionable by others.

In the end, what do 'others' matter? Most certainly the 'others' who are not a part of your life really can't.

You never know what may be, what could be, or what can be gained unless you some times do what you some times shouldn't...

At least my heart and goals are in the right place.

RaWr!

If it smells like faggot, it probably is...

2006-06-24T19:58:00.000-05:00

So what is it with people who want to stir up trouble or talk shit for no reason? I really have a hard time understanding that behavior in people. Is it because their own lives are void of anything that they feel starting controversy makes them more exciting?

Or perhaps it is simply jealousy. I would pick jealousy as the top answer.

I can see how that can work in some situations, but not when you do it to me. Nah... cause you say some he said/she said shit to me and my ass is gonna be right up on it to clear things up.

I like to know the truth and talking smack about me is a quick way to fire me up... silly fags.

Okay that's my vent --- since I was party to such a situation a few days ago. Needless to say, I did confront the horse's mouth only to find that the shit talker was - just that - full of shit. I should have expected as much. At least who I confronted took it decently... I feel kinda bad to have even brought it to their attention now.

This is just one of several reasons why I like very few 'gay' people... drama drama drama. Bitch this isn't a stage.

I've built a cage to hide my rage, but it's time to take it down.

2006-06-24T19:54:00.000-05:00

Gene mutations associatied with hereditary neuralgic amyotrophy discovered

In a significant advance toward understanding a perplexing and painful neurological disorder, an international team of researchers has discovered gene mutations associated with an inherited chronic pain and weakness syndrome known as hereditary neuralgic amyotrophy (also called HNA). No treatment is known for this disabling condition, which short-circuits a peripheral nerve center called the brachial plexus, a network of over 100,000 nerves, that branches from the spinal cord to supply muscular function and sensation to the shoulders, arms, and hands. HNA may first appear in the childhood or teen years, and lead to recurring episodes of severe, sudden onset pain in the arms and shoulders as well as weakness, loss of sensation, and muscle wasting.

Episodes are often triggered by an infection, an immunization, childbirth, or overworking the arms and shoulders. Nerve inflammation and changes in the blood suggest that problems with the person's immune response are contributing to the episode. The on again/off again course of the condition, and the environmental triggers, are unusual among inherited nerve disorders. An associated aspect of the disorder in some individuals is facial features -- a long, slender face and narrow, close-set eyes slanting upward -- reminiscent of portraits by the early 20th-century Italian painter Modigliani, according to Phillip F. Chance, MD, professor of pediatrics and neurology at the University of Washington in Seattle, whose laboratory first located the gene for this disorder to chromosome 17 in 1996.

Twenty-seven medical scientists at universities in Germany, Belgium, the United States, Finland, and Spain conducted the research to find the specific gene responsible for HNA. The lead authors of the study, which appears in the Sept. 25 edition of Nature Genetics, include Dr. Gregor Kuhlenbaumer of the University of Munster, Dr. Vincent Timmerman of the University of Antwerp, and Dr. Mark C. Hannibal and Dr. Phillip Chance, both from the Division of Genetics and Developmental Medicine at the University of Washington.

By studying several multigenerational families who had several relatives with HNA, the researchers identified mutations in a gene named septin-9 ( known as SEPT9). Cells from a variety of life forms, ranging from yeast to fruit flies to humans, contain septins. Septins form protein filaments that provide the internal scaffolding of cells, and play key roles in the process by which cells divide. Out-of-control septins are implicated in certain abnormal cell divisions that lead to tumor formation, including breast cancer. Cells depleted of SEPT9 often fail to complete normal cell division.

HNA is the first genetic disease found to be caused by a mutation in a gene of the septin family. According to the authors of the SEPT9 gene mutations study, SEPT9 has particular structures that distinguish it from all other septins, but the significance and function of these structures is as yet unknown. Future research on the SEPT9 gene and its mutations may lead to a better understanding of the normal function of the gene and its protein products. Scientists also hope to learn how the mutated gene contributes to the development of specific facial features before birth and is later triggered to produce the nerve disorder, and why the disease goes through exacerbations and remissions. The research on the genetic mutations of SEPT9 was supported by grants from the Deutsche Forschungsgemeinschaft, the Neuropathy Association, the National Institutes of Health, the Veterans Affairs Research Fund, the University of Antwerp, the Fund for Scientific Research, the Interuniversity Attraction Poles program of the Belgian Federal Science Policy Office, and the Medical Foundation Queen Elizabeth

I'd like to get to know ya, so I can show ya...

2006-06-24T08:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, now that I am awake (not sure exactly why... I only went to bed four hours ago! Fucking sleeping issues...) I figure I'd take a moment and write a lil something-something. It has been a minute since I wrote anything of interest.

Okay so interest may be a matter of perception, but still...

Nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately and while my ordinary may be rather out there to a lot of people.. it's still monotanous for my ass. I semi-recently started going out again, after having been completely focused on work for a few months. I decided to ease up on that to save on the stress it was causing.

Lots and lots of stress it was causing. However, now that I no longer have a corporate office... the company president has moved back to Texas... we've been taken to court for eviction... and a potential buyer from NYC may be taking us over... I guess positive things may be on the horizon or careerbuilders.com... grrr

My GrandMother recently passed away, but at 98 years old and living in a nursing home with no quality of life -- it was probably a blessing for her. It seems she died in her sleep, so knowing she didn't suffer is comforting.

Friends are the same, guys are the same... nothing exciting to report there. Although I have been informed that I'm a 'club whore.' I won't argue that -- I know (and sometimes I do not know) how I can be when a little intoxicated -- which is usually how you will find me if I am in a gay club. Sober + gay club never works for me .. they irritate me when I am sober.

The club is a far as it goes, though. I might do a little show & tell, or a quick thirty second public display of whoreness... but that's it. Sleeping around hasn't been my thing for a long time - plus it's easier to just go home alone and jack off. At least I don't have to worry about anyone else or make waffles.

Not to say that it wouldn't be nice to have someone to go home with and lay next to while watching some Toon Disney... but I can be patient.

RaWr!

It's a little bit funny...

2006-05-10T18:21:00.000-05:00

Okay nice weather rocks. I figured I would take a moment to put a new spin on the blog, inbetween doing laundry and trying to catch up on much neglected housework.

Things are good -- for the most part. It also seems that warmer weather brings with it a lot of people who are spawning, as I like to call it. Suddenly there are phone calls from long lost friends, ex's, etc. I'm a sentimental kind of person, so it's nice to hear a familiar voice or receive an email from someone who I haven't spoken to in forever.

So, I am happy. Even with the possible closing of my store (which means unemployed Jason) and the new financial obligations I've taken on... I am still happy, content, and even a bit excited as to how things will play out. Change has always excited me.

Change and a journey.

Speaking of journeys, I received an interesting email about my blog. The intent was nice, I am sure. I guess my writing comes across depressing. I know it can appear that way, but it is nothing more than passing thoughts, mental ramblings, or my way of looking at a situation from various points of view.

I don't tend to be very deep in person. I save that for a select few people, but when I write .. I pull a lot from what is deeper inside. I tend to ask questions that I already have my answer to. I just write to release. It's not as deep as it may appear to the person(s) who take it as a literal representation of my thoughts and feelings.

So, to set the record straight...

No, I am not sad or depressed. Lonely? Sometimes, but not often. I am certainly not pressed for any one in my life at the moment. The days of wanting someone, because they are 'someone' is well over. I'll be content allowing what happens to happen on its own. Each person an opportunity and each person a possibility, but without expectations or desires.

I've always been pretty self-maintaining. Perhaps that is why I am here, 34 years later, after all the things I've experienced. I do not break, not internally at least.

Well that is all for now... until something interesting comes along or I am on a drunken emotional rant. However, I don't go out much lately -- so drunk is a rare thing. Damnit.

Although, the offer to goto "Gay Bingo" might be some good entertainment.

Meus deus, meus vires, meus saviour

2006-05-08T01:01:00.000-05:00

Sono stanco solo tu , mio dio , avere dato me forza verso conquistare e tuo famoso io apprezzamento nonostante potere e raggiungimento Ÿ raggiungere libero tu.

But..you liked me at 3:00am when you were drunk?!

2006-05-08T00:42:00.000-05:00

I was perfect, beautiful, amazing and you were intoxicated.

Your hands slowly covered me. Your eyes filled with excitement. Your kiss deep and passionate.

My name escaped you. That's alright, I didn't make an effort to remember yours. You had to take my number, it was important for us to talk again. I already knew the truth, so what point in taking yours?

I tell myself time and time again that perhaps this one is different. Perhaps you are more. So I take another drink and for the next few hours I am yours.

Night turns to day and I awake.. silently making my way out the door. As I walk to my car I can't help but smile. I know, all too well, that you are not different...

Now it's funny, almost a game. I won't be disappointed when the phone call doesn't come - I've already anticipated the outcome.

I'm sure I will see you out again. We will exchange the 'do I know you?" look and I'll simply nod. Another notch, another conquest... what do you call them now?

It may be better this way. There is no wasted time, no one to hurt. Years won't be wasted in realizing we are not right for each other.

That is better, isn't it?

You've paid your dues...

2006-05-08T00:08:00.000-05:00

So many secrets and lies are hidden behind loving eyes, encouraging words and kind smiles.

How many tears fall when no one else is around?

When you try to be strong and in control while in the presence of others - yet inside you are suffering. Afraid. Alone.

How many chains bind you? When will you find, within yourself, the power to be free?

Not in a pill, a drink, a cigarette. Not in the acceptance of a friend, a stranger, a lover...

I know too well the pain you feel. The part we play while in public to not be vulnerable. The hurt we endure with hope for something better. Hopes that are set high .. knowing we are likely to lose.

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

Learn to appreciate what is lost - as much as you appreciate what you gain.

Everything with a purpose... even when we fail to realize or accept it.

Now I'm standing here...

2006-04-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

In five days it will be three years since my boyfriend died in the car accident. While my life has progressed with few moments of hesitation since I came to terms with the accident -- current situations renew it, daily, in my life.

It's a strange feeling, but like everything I feel, it ebs and flows. Sometimes being upsetting and other times being nothing more than a passing thought.

I can't say that I believe in coincidence. I think our lives bring to us, for whatever the reason, crossroads that determine our next available paths - for better or worse. The final destination ultimately known (by God) but our free will at work.. shaping our destiny.

Wow... kinda reminds me of the old HabitTrails and hamsters... those were the simple days. When having a hamster to tourment was fun and being the first in your neighborhood to own MJ's Thriller on a 45 was the best thing to happen in your life.

I wonder where the lesson was for me. If I'll ever know it, learn from it, or if I already have. I guess I will never know. Or may be it is already a part of the secrets I keep burried inside of me... the secrets that I am waiting to tell, when I find someone to share them with. Someone to trust and believe in.

I am still, as always, drained. So exhausted. Mental, emotional, and physical. This job is sucking the life right out of me. Poetic justice, perhaps. It is a shame that only now I understand my boyfriend a bit better. Yet, he was still a shady bastard. Just a shady bastard I have a better understanding for at the moment.

The amazing power of love...

I have that itch... not to be confused with that itch that comes from a good trick at 3:00am in a stairwell by an abandoned building... but that itch to get away. To travel. To be somewhere other than here or there. Of course, now I am playing the part of responsible adult .. grrrr! damn the adult-ness.

Oh well, I am content. Maybe not satisfied, but that's not part of my personality anyway. I am always looking for something more exciting than the last adventure. Something to thrill me.

It just never does.

What a joke...

2006-04-27T00:22:00.000-05:00

Okay so perhaps it has been awhile since I had anything really fun, exciting, and uplifting to write about. Don't get me wrong, I am not jaded or bitter. Even if I was I'd never let anyone know. I just prefer to 'keep it real' and I tend to write things in a way that is more like random thoughts being rambled off... sometimes good, sometimes sad, sometimes alarming .. sometimes making people wonder if I should be medicated. Ya know, all of that.

So today was a bad day. It was my 'day off' that never turns into a day off. Once again, I find myself at work dealing with issues, getting nasty phone calls from corporate and being made to feel like I should be on careerbuilders.com looking for a new job. Ya know, throw me into a store (no training on any level mind you) that is already fucked up and tell me to turn it around with no money to spend.

Well okay.. so I've spent some of their money on turning it around. It desperately needed it and everything I do improves the place. Complaints are down, sales are up... but that's not enough.

Today it is all about tokens. We had 20,000 in the store as of last month and today we have only 2,837 left. So like 16,000 tokens which equals $4,000.00 (at retail value) is missing.

I looked in my ass.. they weren't there. I haven't checked the asses of my other employees yet, but I am debating it. I even looked in my dryer and I couldn't find them there either. So I'm at a loss.

I know it looks bad. I am upset about it, too. I can't explain it and I had no idea they were gone -- even though I do know we always seem to be searching and trying to get tokens together for sale on busy Saturdays. However, that has been sorta par for the course since I arrived so I didn't put much added thought into it.

I've fired most of the poison employees and only have a few more to get rid of. I am ontop of my management staff, am re-training (yet again) my line employees, working on marketing partnerships to increase business and trying to think of a legal way to slander the rat (Chuck E.) to pull their customers into my park.... and now I have to worry about my job security over 16,000 missing tokens which is obviously an inhouse theft issue.

I need to find better employees but I am not in the best place for that. Not that where I am is exactly bad, but the mentality kinda is. Oh well... I'll figure it out somehow.

I'd much rather be in San Juan, under a palm tree drinking a margarita, while I figure it out -- but I guess that will need to wait for a bit.

Do you know what it feels like..?

2006-04-24T23:38:00.000-05:00

So, I am driving to the bank and I hear a woman on the radio (105.1 wava) hardly able to speak. Afraid and crying. Asking 'how do you die with courage?' and saying she is afraid that God abandoned her.

A neurological disorder is causing her to waste away and her mother, now dead, is no longer there to help her. She's by herself, with no one able to care... wasting away.

And my heart aches for her. This stranger. Nothing more than a voice breaking the silence of my ride. An ability, a motion, a thought... all taken for granted.

I think back to my own fears and my own neurological issues - knowing the same can happen, but being thankful that I've been blessed enough that it hasn't. Not yet.

My mind races... what can I do? How can I help a stranger? I'm not in the position to help -- I have my own mother that relies on me and I can barely handle the weight of that.

My heart, however, doesn't let go of the emotions her voice caused me and my mind replays her voice.

I think about the 'fat girl' that everyone makes fun of. Who is laughed at and made fun of at her expense. Sometimes aware, but often not, that she is being used as a joke. I watch her laugh or shrug off the comments she's aware of -- and I wonder how often she cries when alone.

What about 'Jackie?' The homeless woman who stands outside of the nightclub, asking for someone to help her. While countless drunken idiots who, with nothing nice to say, could simply ignore her -- yet they are abrasive, combative, and demeaning.

Where does she go as they walk off with their next trick. To snort their drugs, drink their alcohol, and fuck without concern for the woman standing helpless on the corner.

Without compassion, we are nothing.

.... that should be a t-shirt for New Yorkers.

In other news, I went ahead and did it. I decided to get the Cooper. Not that any of you (whoever 'you' are) knew that I wanted one, but I did. Below is the little beast that will be terrorizing neighborhoods near you soon.

1.5 Million Lawsuit? Please...

2006-04-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, so just when I think my life is boring something comes along and has to shake it up again and remind me that I am Jason.

Today I was served with a 1.5 Mil lawsuit from an incident back in August of 05.

1.5 Million... um, hold on let me check my savings account... Oops! $19.95 .. I hope they want to settle for that.

So back in August around 10:30pm I was leaving my house to go visit Rebecca for a cup of coffee. As I was at the end of my road, begining to pull out onto the main road, I heard this little lawn mower sound and noticed a scooter (which wasn't there before) coming over the hill. I slammed on my breaks (not even making it off my street and onto the main road) and he, having seen me, got scared and slammed on his breaks too. This caused him to flip over the handle bars and skid down the street a bit.

I was in a panick. Cars were stopping, I called 911 (several times), called my friend who was a block away waiting on me to come, and it was pure chaos. The police came, EMTs, the works. However, the man (who appeared drunk) declined any medical service (he only had some minor cuts) and after the police talked to everyone .. the 'accident' was considered no fault and we all went on our way.

About two weeks went by and I got a letter from an attorney retained by the scooter driver demanding my insurance information. I called and told him (the attorney) 'fuck you,' I am not turning over my insurance information to someone when there was no fault involved. Go raise someone elses' premium jackass.

Now, almost a year later, I receive court papers for a trial by jury in the amount of 1.5m because..

"Defendant operated his vehicle in a negligent and careless manner by entering the intersection when it was not safe to do so then stopping in the intersection. Which caused the plaintiff to abruptly stop his vehicle to avoid the collision causing the plaintiff to fly over the handlebars of his scooter in a projectile motion."

Umm, okay, the intersection isn't on my street jackass. I am so disgusted.. it's jackasses like this which cause everyone to have insane insurance premiums and who fuck the system. More research indicates he lives in a low-income neighborhood in a 70,000.00 house... so yeah, I am sure he'd love to get some free money.

Oh well... go ahead and underestimate who you attempt to sue with incorrect claims and bullshit. I plan on riding this out... this is one time I am determined to NOT be taken advantage of by some fuck.

Grrrr!

Strong inside?

2006-04-02T20:58:00.000-05:00

Where are the days of living life with reckless abandon?

Every morning a new adventure and every night another journey to take.

Perhaps it is time to pay my dues...

Or did I just take too much?

I got exactly what I asked for...

Now alone.

I have changed my mind.

How would you like me to compensate you...?

2006-03-23T04:59:00.000-05:00

I have felt so detached from everything lately! I had my cell phone stolen from work a week (?) ago [of course not as bad as having your car stolen..] and been without my cable modem service for about as long.

While not having my cell phone has created a peaceful silence ... the lack of contact with friends has not been as pleasant.

Things at work have gone from horribly stressful to being a bit more tolerable. I've been able to hire on some of the old management staff and am in the process (as of this Friday) of removing over 20 of my employees who are nothing more than a poison to my goals.

Inch by inch the park is coming together, straightening up, and taking on a more attractive look. Games are 80% operational (a huge improvement) and complaints are way down... while sales begin to rise again.

Part of me wants to sit back and feel proud of the minor accomplishment and the approval from corporate... but I am afraid that one moment of feeling proud will result in a sudden downfall of what little accomplishments I've been able to create thus far.

I seem to live and sleep work now - something very new to me. Not that I am lazy or am not interested in working, but going from almost two years of not having to work and then suddenly having to bust my ass seven days a week for sixteen + hour days... it can fuck with you.

My house is a wreck, I look older - worn, I haven't done laundry in weeks....

I think about where I was and what I was working on. The websites, the expectations, the people who knew I had something coming - who now will not see anything arrive. I toss around the ideas of putting the sites online that I had begun work on, but then I can't say my heart is with them anymore.

I'm not sure where my heart is at anymore. As grounded as I feel right now -- I feel just a little lost. A little overwhelmed and unsure.

I've lost interest in meeting people. No desire for someone in my life at the moment other than friends and family. Luckily my roommate provides me with a nice amount of platonic physical affection - it counters any feeling of lonliness I may have, when I have the time to feel lonely.

It's 5:00am ... I've been online researching and emailing about things for work. I need to sleep, so I can get up in 4 hours ... get a haircut, run to the bank, and back into work to complete paperwork that I've neglected for the week. I am not a paper pusher -- I am more creative based.

Damn the paperwork.

What I wouldn't give right now for a warm sun, a nice breeze, and a palm tree...

However, I'll settle for seeing people walk through my doors... their eyes wide and excited with parents in tow. It's amazing how life flows... it may seem that you are thrown about without any true direction or control...

but I've realized that it is not about control or even direction .. guidance is silent and surprising.

I've always wanted to touch the lives of people ... to leave a lasting mark. Now I do it daily with children and their parents. It was never how I saw that want, but it's being fulfilled all the same.

I like the taste of you... better.

2006-03-08T03:48:00.000-05:00

It's almost 4am and I am not tired. Well, no, I am tired - just not in a physical sense. I think part of me is craving human contact. I get tons of human contact, mostly unwanted by ghetto fucking kids and their parents, at work -- but I need substance human contact.

It's funny.. I'm never satisfied. I bitch when my phone rings every five minutes from a different person trying to hang out or hook up, I bitch when I go out and meet people, and then I turn around and bitch that I have no contact with anyone since this job.

Okay, fine. Maybe I am not easy to satisfy. Hell, I thought I was. I am pretty damn simple after all.

I will say that I am starting to miss the traveling and nightly going out. I am begining to get that 'trapped' feeling again - which is not good - cause then I start looking for a way out or someplace to go... something to break the routine. I hate routines.

Dogs, cats, fish, and mormons have routines. I need variety and excitement.

So while I can sometimes enjoy someone strapping a collar to my neck and taking me for a walk -- I need to fly. Somewhere that has palm trees is preferred.

That's all for now -- this wasted a good three minutes. I needed something to do. I will write more when something exciting happens. ;)

Can you handle the ride? I can...

2006-02-12T17:40:00.000-05:00

My life has been such an amazing journey. I feel peace in knowing that I have experienced it, have lived, that I've let go of the wheel and taken the ride for all it could be worth. Love, pain, happiness, loss, richness, destituteness, fears and having been fearless. To have touched the stars and fallen beneath the earth.

And yet while I ride out the journey.. while I experience the lows and highs of what life has given me and what I have taken hold of and brought from it .. I am always motivated and excited about the rebirth and the next experiences that are waiting for me.

There is no satisfaction in standing still, unless it is to catch your breath and begin to run again.

So now I look at the new journey ahead of me. The new job, the older projects on hold, and where I will end up next. Together, single, rich, poor ... here or somewhere new... it will be fun to explore.

The pages are now blank and the journey has begun again.

The mysterious Art...

2006-02-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

Who is Art? 5'6 is sexy.

Nobody's perfect...

2006-02-05T22:48:00.000-05:00

It's amazing what surprises life will bring you...

Last Wednesday I received a telephone call from the place where my last boyfriend was General Manager. It seems that since his death the store had taken a turn for the worse and the sales were not doing very well. The president of the company called me in to give her my 'opinions' and 'suggestions' for making the store successful again... and so I went. The place holds special meaning for me anyway.

The store was in bad shape. Obviously poor General Managers after my boyfriend. Nothing that cannot be corrected.

So we talked and talked... then she turns to the stores current district manager and says "Meet the new General Manager" and offered me a job.. at a rather impressive salary which was shocking.

So, I took it. It matters to me. Even though it is somewhat surreal and a little morbid that my dead boyfriend was GM there -- I took it to make it the way he had it. To see it bringing in 400-600k a year net profits again.

Thus the work began and I am happy to say in only one week sales are over last years. It's simple. The place isn't rocket science. It's established, profitable, and easy to work with.

This past Friday I met with the president again at another one of the stores.
We talked, went over new food samples, and just discussed where the stores had been in the formation of the company to where they are now. The company expanded too quick, acquired too much debt, and is now in a state where it needs to sell of the stores. So the stores are being sold to individuals, who are making out on the awesome concept and the fact that they are already established.

Then the next shocker hit me... she offered me to buy John's (my dead boyfriends) store. 700K financed by the company over a six year period, the other 300k down.

...yeah ummm there goes that because I think I have $93.89 in my bank account at the moment.

Potential buyers were in today... some jackass from New Jersey. I hope he hated it - I want that store fuckers.

Better me than some yahoo from NJ that knows nothing about it. Oh well.... everything for a reason. So I wonder where the reason is in all this?

I will keep going with it, to see what happens, working seven days a week to see the store succeed. The people that knew my boyfriend just stare.... I think they feel the same way I do. It's like he's walking around there again (we look a lot alike) -- it's strange and yet comforting at the same time.

The only true success in life are the positive impacts left on those you meet. Not money, not material things.. there is an impact left there and I will hopefully see to it that it remains.

I am going to tell you about date rape...

2006-01-14T12:12:00.000-05:00

I cannot count the number of times I've heard people say, in reference to a girl who was date raped, that she 'deserved it' because of how she dressed or behaved.

I cannot count the number of times that I've said the same thing.

What you don't hear a lot about are the guys who are raped. Straight, bi, gay .. doesn't matter. You just rarely ever hear about it. Easy answer.. male pride. How many guys want to say "some dude raped me."

I would never want to, but I have.

I wonder if the chances of being hit by lightening twice reflect at all upon the chances of being raped twice? Or maybe I just 'ask' for it.

I remember the first time vividly. I was in my early twenties spending a few weeks at my parents condo in Ocean City, Maryland. As I always do in OC, I was sitting on the boardwalk at about 2:00am on a Saturday night. That's the best time to watch the hot, fucked up dudes walking back from the bars and acting stupid (sexy).

I was sitting there, smoking and minding my own business - lost in a sea of hotness - when a short, muscular, shirtless guy in basketball shorts approached me and asked for a cigarette.

He was obviously drunk, around my own age and beyond hot. As I was giving him a cigarette I looked down and woah! The dude was standing there with a hardon pressing out the leg of his shorts. So now we have me (gay and bored) talking to a built, ripped up, hot, hard straight guy....

So, of course, the talking begins. Ask him where he was, what he was up to, and what was up with the hardon. The questions inquiring minds wanna know at 2:00am in OC.

According to his story -- his girlfriend didn't want to fuck, he did, and she tossed him out of the hotel. He was drunk, horney, and bored. We had a little in common.

Somehow the conversation ended up with him wanting to come back to my condo for a blowjob and off we went.

To make a long story short - midway thru the blowjob he decided he wanted to fuck me. I don't get fucked, just for the record. I said "Nah, that's not my thing." and he said "I wasn't asking you." After that he grabbed me, flipped me onto the couch, held me down, undressed me, and rammed his dick into my ass. His thick, huge, non lubed, non condomed dick into my ass.

Kept my head pushed down into a pillow to muffle sound and pounded away.

I fought for a bit and then just went limp. I relaxed wanting it to end and end quickly. I just lay there motionless, lifeless.

He cam (in my ass) got up, went to the refrigerator took some food and ate. While I slowly rolled to one side of the couch to begin to get up. After he ate, he came back and after patting me on the back (I guess I'm a tropper ..or maybe that is what he does to his bitchs) laid on the couch and fell asleep.

I could tell you all the things that ran through my mind, but it would take way too much time. I was afraid for my step-mother and step-sister -- what if I pissed him off or what if he simply came back, found them, and decided to do the same thing?

After what seemed like hours of deliberating I telephone two bartender friends of mine from Delaware who were big gym guys to come and remove him. I will always be grateful to both of them for their speed and determination in getting to the condo and literally picking him up and throwing him out.

It was also interesting later in that night (they decided to stay with me incase he returned) seeing the straight guy raper on the boardwalk with a group of his friends. The looks were priceless when my one friend yelled "You tell them you raped my boys ass last night faggot?"

Anyway... it was an experience I survived with little anquish. No STDs came from it, the pain went away, and I was able to place the experience away in my mind. No big deal, I guess.

Fast forward to now... this month...

Once again I hang with 90% straight guys. Most of my friends are straight and there are always those few straight dudes who are a little 'freaky.' I know a couple like that. Every now and then they want to fool around and hey ... I'm down for it. Might as well get some action somewhere.

But what do you call it when a straight dude you fool around with decides he is going to fuck you when you pass out drunk one night?

....date rape? rape? to some queen somewhere, "omg gurl that's sooooo hot!?'

No is no. The ability to not say yes is no.

Most importantly, I understand how it feels to be a girl and to hear people say "she deserved it."

The enjoyment of casual friendships..

2006-01-06T18:46:00.000-05:00

Today, while recovering from my night out with Mike, I couldn't help but smile and enjoy a moment of that warm fuzzy feeling.

You see, I've never been one to remain friends with someone that I've dated and not had it work out. I am not saying that is the best (or most mature) mentality to take, but usually if something doesn't work out there is often a 'bad' reason attached to it. So why make that a part of my life?

Mike is the first exception to that rule and the one that has made me re-evaluate my stance on X's as friends.

Even better is the enjoyment of a casual friendship. You call when something strikes you to call, you see each other when the urge arises, and there are really no expectations or obligations. If you don't talk for a week or a month - it's cool.

Yet, should you need to vent.. have a problem.. need some help -- you know they are there to have your back.

Nice, very nice.

;)